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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit sad for my DS 16

374 replies

MagnificentBottom · 20/06/2021 22:51

My DS 16, just left school. He’s not academic, didn’t like school or get particularly good exam grades, messed around a lot, hung around with the more ‘spirited’, but he’s essentially a good person who has a good heart. His girlfriend is very bright, just got great GCSE results and this weekend her friend organised a party to celebrate leaving school.
My DS was not invited, when she asked why she was told it was because he was in the wrong ‘friendship group’ and others felt intimidated by his presence. She also said that people generally when they see him deliberately walk on the other side of the road to avoid him. He’s tall, wears hoodies and a base ball cap. AIBU to think this is incredibly petty or are teenagers generally this fickle?

OP posts:
TomNookk · 20/06/2021 23:58

not sure why everyone finds this so unbelievable. All of my kids friends schools/colleges have given them their provisional grades. there’s no one that i know with exam age kids that haven’t had their results

Changechangychange · 20/06/2021 23:59

I’m just trying to follow your argument here. Are you saying he ought to be invited to this party because “his mates wouldn’t be there”?

So you recognise that his mates would cause trouble and/or bring drugs, and lead to the police being called, but you think his GF’s mates should realise your son is totally different to all of his mates, even though everyone also finds him intimidating for unspecified reasons apparently totally unrelated to his “spirited and naughty” behaviour?

Look, if he lies down with dogs, he’ll get fleas. His mates are badly behaved, they all smoke weed, they were “spirited and naughty” in school and they clearly did no work. Rightly or wrongly, they are being judged as a group.

If he wants to change that perception, his new job will give him a chance to hang out with some more responsible people and grow up a bit. Or he could carry on getting stoned and being “naughty and spirited” (antisocial) with his mates, until he gets a criminal record. Up to him.

Original poster
MagnificentBottom · 21/06/2021 00:00

@TheSunShinesBright

OP, it’s ok to feel sad that others don’t want your DS anywhere near this party. They have their reasons and I’d be asking myself what he’s done to piss everyone off.
Well he is a bit annoying - he pisses me off all the time
OP posts:
Graphista · 21/06/2021 00:02

Well I don't recognise the username so I've no idea what THAT comment meant!

Subsequent comments suggest op is not interested in anything but posts which agree with her.

Friends from different backgrounds is one thing, wise choice in friendships is another and is something parents should guide on.

It's an important part of growing up, learning who is a good friend and who is leading one down the wrong path.

Dd had her moments of this type too when she was caught up in awe at the bravado of the "spirited" kids but we had discussions about this and she learned to see it for what it really was and moved on from those friendships fairly quickly thank goodness.

It's a difficult area to navigate especially during teen years when they think they know what they're doing and don't have the life experience to back it up.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 21/06/2021 00:02

My son has just finished year 13 and they have not been given any indication of results AT ALL.
They wouldn't even talk about grades at the last parent's evening.
They know what their ucas predicted grades are obviously but that is it.

MissCruellaDeVil · 21/06/2021 00:05

Yawn, yet another parent who can't see a fault in their darling child.

Rosehip10 · 21/06/2021 00:06

@MagnificentBottom Perhaps the girlfriends friends don't like habitual weed smokers?

worriedatthemoment · 21/06/2021 00:09

@TomNookk not in england they aren't

StevenYerTeasReady · 21/06/2021 00:09

I wouldnt want a thick, drug addled arsehole at a party either.

me4real · 21/06/2021 00:11

OP, it seems like you just want us all to go 'aw the poor thing.'

He is hanging out with (or being?) rough druggy criminals and he sets off other people's inner alarm bells. So people don't want to be around him and/or his friends based on what they're like. Poor lamb.

worriedatthemoment · 21/06/2021 00:12

@MerchSwyddEfrog very different here we have to wait until the 12th as all been sent to exam boards for them to agree and lots of proof needed.
So we get ours all in august with no idea at all
My ds progress report had him on 5/6/7 then last one had him on 3/4 all within a space of a month so we have no clue what he will get ( other than def not 8/9) and prob no lowed than a 3 but anything in-between as its been so guarded

Spunout · 21/06/2021 00:16

What came out on Thursday were predicted grades.

SnappedAndFarted18 · 21/06/2021 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

felulageller · 21/06/2021 00:18

I wouldn't have invited a regular drug user to my party either!

And as a parent I'd be saying no to those guests of my teens.

MerchSwyddEfrog · 21/06/2021 00:19

Op - I would see this as a wake up call and start to steer you son away from this friendship group. He is starting a job and he will need to concentrate on that, he doesn’t want to loose it. He’s only 16 and he doesn’t need to be associated with naughty kids who take drugs. Is he really not bothered about how he is viewed by his girlfriends friends?

Original poster
MagnificentBottom · 21/06/2021 00:22

@SnappedAndFarted18

And this is how you know you’ve failed as a parent OP !! FFS you’re here replying to people in a snarky way as soon as they comment something you don’t like maybe you should have spent more time actually parenting your son instead of posting about him on mumsnet maybe... Just maybe then he wouldn’t be seen as an intimidating arse that’s not wanted/invited to a party & people wouldn’t feel the need to cross the road when they see him in the street !! I can only hope if you have other children you manage to do a better job with them !!
I really like your user name
OP posts:
me4real · 21/06/2021 00:24

@MagnificentBottom People are assessing things based on the facts they know about the situation from stuff you've said. So it's not 100% subjective/relative.

Would you feel you could spell it out and say to him- look, some people don't want anything to do with you because you hang out with those rough types and people think you're like them/you do act like them?

SnappedAndFarted18 · 21/06/2021 00:25

Yes OP my username is amazing however I’m not really sure what that’s got to do with your shit parenting that’s resulted in your 16yr old being seen as a weed smoking intimidating arse?

Stompythedinosaur · 21/06/2021 00:27

I can understand feeling sad for your dc, but don't think a group of girls is under any obligation to include a male they find intimidating to a party, and I think it is good they were assertive enough to stick with it.

You might know your ds means no harm, but if female peers are crossing the road to avoid him he really needs to think about how he is coming across.

I work with teens and tbh I think you might be surprised what the groups of "spirited lads" I have known have got up to out of sight of their parents.

Original poster
MagnificentBottom · 21/06/2021 00:28

@SnappedAndFarted18

Yes OP my username is amazing however I’m not really sure what that’s got to do with your shit parenting that’s resulted in your 16yr old being seen as a weed smoking intimidating arse?
You seem a bit angry. Everything ok? I’m very confident and happy with my parenting
OP posts:
LadyMinerva · 21/06/2021 00:28

So much time has been spent trying to educate children about boundaries and consent. Yet as soon as a girl stands up for herself and doesn't invite a boy to a party because she feels intimidated by him she must be an evil witch.

These girls have every right to feel intimidated by him and his friends. Just as you have every right not to feel that way. Both of you have valid feelings.

But you sound like the type that would go straight to blaming the girl for an assault because your darling baby boy wouldn't hurt a fly.

Congrats OP, you are really flying the sisterhood flag here.

SofiaMichelle · 21/06/2021 00:29

Involved in drugs.
Poor exam results.
Hangs around with disruptive trouble causers.
Perceived as intimidating.

As someone else said, there'll be a lot of pupils/students breathing a sigh of relief that most of that type will be gone next term so they can get on with their academic careers without interruption.

Lots to be proud of...

Taikoo · 21/06/2021 00:29

Why should they invite boys in who they feel threatened by?
It sounds like your DS has made some very poor choices about his friends, which have now impacted his education and reputation.

SnappedAndFarted18 · 21/06/2021 00:30

@MagnificentBottom lmao I’m grand thank you & wow well If you’re so very confident & happy with your parenting then your whole thread was clearly a waste of time wasn’t it 😌😁

Original poster
MagnificentBottom · 21/06/2021 00:30

@Stompythedinosaur

I can understand feeling sad for your dc, but don't think a group of girls is under any obligation to include a male they find intimidating to a party, and I think it is good they were assertive enough to stick with it.

You might know your ds means no harm, but if female peers are crossing the road to avoid him he really needs to think about how he is coming across.

I work with teens and tbh I think you might be surprised what the groups of "spirited lads" I have known have got up to out of sight of their parents.

I have a lot of experience with teens too not much surprises me, it’s not female peers in particular that cross the road, I said people generally
OP posts: