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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding

235 replies

Sw93 · 20/06/2021 21:08

Hello!
Sorry newbie here... And after some advice / reassurance I suppose.
I'm currently pregnant with my first baby.
My close friend is getting married in the start of the new year and I'm set to be a bridesmaid so will be there throughout. My baby at that point will be 3 months old. The couple have specifically told me and my other half that they are not having children and do not want our baby at the wedding. I'm trying to be understanding but am finding it difficult... I have asked whether this is just for the ceremony and they have stated it is the whole event. Their wedding is not local and I plan to breast feed. My friend has told me to express and give the baby a bottle and why can't her grandma have her for the weekend. In my eyes 3 months is way too early to leave a baby without its parents for an entire weekend. I cant see myself wanting to be without her for the whole day let alone the weekend and (no judgement to those who chose to bottle feed) but that is not my personal plan and I don't see why I should be made to change my feeding choices for my child.
Aside from this, I'm actually quite hurt that my friend has also uninvited me to the hen party (that I helped to plan) as in her words a baby would mean people won't have a good time. I told her that I obviously wouldn't stay over night etc, but as my baby would only be 2 months at this stage I'd have to bring her to the day activities. My friend has then told me she'd rather not have us there then as she thinks a baby would ruin the atmosphere 🙄

I'm at a loss and feeling a little hurt tbh, what do I do? I don't want to fall out with our friends but I feel I need to put my child first.
This pregnancy has been a difficult journey so far with a lot of health issues and sadly resulting in the recent loss of my babys twin. I understand that everyone's babys are precious to them, but I really can't see with my current high anxiety me being able to leave her so soon. 😔 Help!
Xx

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 21/06/2021 07:01

I think your friend sounds clueless about babies. Of course you can’t palm a three month old off on your grandmother for the day and expect everything to go smoothly! Equally your friend has the right to not want her ceremony to be interrupted by crying children.

The only option you have really is to do as you say and bow out.

3Britnee · 21/06/2021 07:30

She might not be able to have children and just wants her few events to not have that rubbed in her face.

Her wedding, her choice. Just tell her you can't go/be a bridesmaid.

Bizawit · 21/06/2021 08:18

@SlipperyDippery I know that was the comment, but I think you took it out of context

KungFuPrincess · 21/06/2021 08:52

I'm getting married in May next year OP. My bridesmaids are made up of my dearest friends and their children. I'm in my 30s so my friends are all at different stages of life, some with children, some without, some pregnant, some child free by choice.

For this reason I asked my hen do be something inclusive, like a nice meal that everyone can attend and then follow on to town for drinks and dancing for the grown ups after. I want everyone to be involved!

Ive added in a lot of extras to the day for people with small children, games to keep them entertained, areas where little ones can have a quiet 5 minutes if needed.

Your friend sounds really selfish, and not your friend at all. I wouldn't dream of excluding my friends children!

DasPepe · 21/06/2021 09:01

Tell her that without people there, it would be a marriage ceremony not a wedding. It’s the people who make the party. And if you love the people and want them there, you have to make some allowances for their situation.
Tell her to remember herself when (if) she has children in the future.

Then I’m would step down from the wedding. Wish her all the best and take the money you’d spend on the gift and book yourself and your family a lovely day out on that date.
With your lovely baby.

The thing is that you might want some time off from the baby at 3 months- but this should be for you to decide.

We had a ‘child free’ wedding as some people travelled from abroad and had older children or none at all. Also it was a small wedding.
However one friend asked if we try can bring a baby with them and I was horrified that I had not thought of that (it was a newborn too). And they brought the baby and it was lovely.
A wedding is a celebration of many things - I feel like it should have as many generations included: young and old

QueenBee52 · 21/06/2021 11:16

@3Britnee

She might not be able to have children and just wants her few events to not have that rubbed in her face.

Her wedding, her choice. Just tell her you can't go/be a bridesmaid.

that's a massive random assumption 😱

WhoDidAndWhy · 21/06/2021 11:21

@Rainbowqueeen

I’d just decline. Tell her that what she wants just isn’t possible due to age of baby but that you wish them a wonderful day and will be thinking of them. Buy a lovely gift. Offer to take her out for a special lunch or afternoon tea in lieu of the hen party People without kids often struggle to understand the impact of what they are asking. If they go on to have kids she will probably be mortified when she realises
All of this. She will realise one day how rude this was. Happened with my friends.
QueenBee52 · 21/06/2021 11:38

Im stunned at the attacks directed at a Bride for her choice of a Child/Baby free Wedding. Vicious comments.

OP you simply Decline the invited, its really not that hard.

billy1966 · 21/06/2021 11:47

She is NOT your friend.

I wouldn't waste another moment thinking of her as a close friend.

She is really awful.

Move on OP.

Wishing you well.
Flowers

Crazycrazylady · 21/06/2021 11:50

To be fair I think you were a bit bonkers wanting to bring a newborn to a hen party. I'm with her on that one.

Skysblue · 21/06/2021 12:05

Your friend is incredibly selfish. Of course you can’t leave a newborn for the weekend.

She’s forcing you to choose between the baby and her. That would be the end of the friendship for me. Ditch the wedding and don’t bother with her anymore.

FakeColinCaterpillar · 21/06/2021 12:39

I’ve told this story before but 25 years ago my friends got married. It was 3 days after some other friends had a baby. She had rang to check they were coming and they were. They bought the baby (I never even saw it, it was in a sling or in the room feeding) and bride went mad and said ‘they should have left it with someone’. I think they just assumed and they made a huge effort to come a long way also, hundreds of miles.
She realised how wrong she was when she had her own and didn’t want to leave an 18 month old for the weekend!

Original poster
Sw93 · 21/06/2021 13:07

It was only the afternoon tea aspect. Elderly relatives and pregnant friends will be there also. And when I say I was hurt it was mainly because I've helped to plan this event, paid deposits etc. And no it's s not all about the money, but to be told I'm uninvited I thought was just a little hurtful when I feel I've put a lot of time and money into helping her (decorations, ringing different accomodations, organising activities and chasing people for deposits etc) especially whilst being pregnant myself currently and going through a tough time. . I just wish she would have said from the start that this was her plan and I wouldn't have accepted to be bridesmaid and gone through the extra stress of helping to organise stuff that I'm now not invited to. 😕

OP posts:
Crowtooyo · 21/06/2021 13:11

I personally wouldn't go to a hen do with a baby nor would I want a baby at my hen do so I think that's completely fair enough.
But the wedding part I think she's being unfair about!

Original poster
Sw93 · 21/06/2021 13:16

I completely understand that it's her day and she has every right to not want kids there. I guess the reason I'm upset about the whole thing is that we are very close, she has been there whilst I've suffered miscarriages. She knew that ive been actively trying for this baby for a fair while and asked me to be her bridesmaid knowing that their was a possibility I may be pregnant at the time or have a baby. I just wish that if her intention was not to have kids or babys there she would have told me and I would have politely declined from the start and maybe just attended the ceremony or something. But instead whilst pregnant and not in great health i and one other bridemaid have organised the hen party completely, chased people for deposits that I've had to put on my credit card, researched venues etc and now I'm uninvited. It's not about the money, but frankly I'm feeling a little used and pushed aside.

OP posts:
Just10moreminutesplease · 21/06/2021 13:17

I have a 4 month old baby and don’t feel ready to leave him all day yet. Unfortunately there’s no way to predict how you’ll feel during those first months (I thought I’d be desperate for a night off!).

Honestly, your friend sounds self absorbed. Of course she can’t tell you how to feed your baby!

Realistically she has two options, bend her no child rule or accept you might not be able to come with good grace. If she is trying to guilt you into attending she’s not your friend.

socalledfriend · 21/06/2021 13:29

YANBU

I would write off the money you have lost and write off the friendship.

I successfully breast fed my DC for over a year each, but could never express a drop. I know quite a few people who had the same issue.

Just tell her you will be unable to attend - and stop helping out with the arrangements. This is reminiscent of that old Bridezilla thread where the OP was uninvited from wedding but expected to decorate the venue!!

Katela18 · 21/06/2021 13:30

I'm due to get married in October and have several friends who have had babies since I booked the wedding. I honestly couldn't imagine having this conversation with someone! Why would you tell someone theu can't bring a baby that small!? Totally unreasonable. My friends will all be bringing theirs, and I've also given them all a plus one so they can bring dad's to help. I just want my friends there on my big day! Who cares if there is a bit of crying!?

Honestly, your friend is showing you her true colours. She is putting a one day event and the 'aesthetic' of the day ahead of your needs and relationship. Listen to what she is not saying. You do not need a friend who treats you in that way! The fact she is putting you in this position tells you everything you need to know.

All the best with your pregnancy x

Liverbird77 · 21/06/2021 13:33

My baby is 11 mo the and I've declined a wedding invitation. I am still breastfeeding and we follow a strict schedule with the baby and my toddler son.

There is no way in hell I'd be leaving a three month old for longer than to have a shower!
Your friend has no clue what it's like. Even if you did express, you'd have to have loads for a whole weekend. That is a mission in itself

I'd just decline. When she grows up she might understand why.

QueenBee52 · 21/06/2021 13:50

Decline ..

SlipperyDippery · 21/06/2021 13:53

Who cares if there is a bit of crying!?

I’m pleased you won’t care if a baby screams through your vows but can you really not imagine why other people might care?

I assume you’re inviting all children of all your guests, but not everyone wants that sort of wedding day. Why can’t you respect that other people want something different from their wedding than you do?

Babynames2 · 21/06/2021 13:54

I would decline and tell her that you don’t feel comfortable leaving a baby that young. I bottle fed and still declined a wedding invite that was child free when she was 4 months.

I’m guessing the real reason she doesn’t want you at the afternoon tea is that she feels the baby will draw attention away from her.

SlipperyDippery · 21/06/2021 13:55

@Sw93

It was only the afternoon tea aspect. Elderly relatives and pregnant friends will be there also. And when I say I was hurt it was mainly because I've helped to plan this event, paid deposits etc. And no it's s not all about the money, but to be told I'm uninvited I thought was just a little hurtful when I feel I've put a lot of time and money into helping her (decorations, ringing different accomodations, organising activities and chasing people for deposits etc) especially whilst being pregnant myself currently and going through a tough time. . I just wish she would have said from the start that this was her plan and I wouldn't have accepted to be bridesmaid and gone through the extra stress of helping to organise stuff that I'm now not invited to. 😕
That’s fair enough:

For what it’s worth, while I absolutely defend the right of couples not to want babies at their wedding (and hen do), and think people who criticise them for it are pretty unpleasant, if I were the bride I would definitely have made an exception for both the hen and the wedding for you and your baby. You sound like a lovely friend who has made a lot of effort for your friend over the hen.

LizzieW1969 · 21/06/2021 13:59

I just want my friends there on my big day! Who cares if there is a bit of crying!?

That was how I felt about my wedding 18 years ago. The majority of our guests had young families, so a child-free wedding was out of the question anyway, otherwise a good many wouldn't have been able to come.

There were logistics to be resolved, but they were all worked out on the basis that I wanted to make it possible for my friends to be there.

I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with wanting a perfect wedding day, with no children to disrupt things, but for me it wouldn't have been perfect if there had been friends unable to come.

And surely, even if you want a child-free day, it's possible for there to be some compromise, if you want your bridesmaid to be there?

AryaStarkWolf · 21/06/2021 14:00

I think it's a bit much you expected to bring the baby to her hen do tbh, she's not wrong there, it would totally change the mood

I think she's being a bit of an arse about the wedding though, I understand people want child free weddings but she's not being any bit understanding about your situation

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