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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding

235 replies

Sw93 · 20/06/2021 21:08

Hello!
Sorry newbie here... And after some advice / reassurance I suppose.
I'm currently pregnant with my first baby.
My close friend is getting married in the start of the new year and I'm set to be a bridesmaid so will be there throughout. My baby at that point will be 3 months old. The couple have specifically told me and my other half that they are not having children and do not want our baby at the wedding. I'm trying to be understanding but am finding it difficult... I have asked whether this is just for the ceremony and they have stated it is the whole event. Their wedding is not local and I plan to breast feed. My friend has told me to express and give the baby a bottle and why can't her grandma have her for the weekend. In my eyes 3 months is way too early to leave a baby without its parents for an entire weekend. I cant see myself wanting to be without her for the whole day let alone the weekend and (no judgement to those who chose to bottle feed) but that is not my personal plan and I don't see why I should be made to change my feeding choices for my child.
Aside from this, I'm actually quite hurt that my friend has also uninvited me to the hen party (that I helped to plan) as in her words a baby would mean people won't have a good time. I told her that I obviously wouldn't stay over night etc, but as my baby would only be 2 months at this stage I'd have to bring her to the day activities. My friend has then told me she'd rather not have us there then as she thinks a baby would ruin the atmosphere 🙄

I'm at a loss and feeling a little hurt tbh, what do I do? I don't want to fall out with our friends but I feel I need to put my child first.
This pregnancy has been a difficult journey so far with a lot of health issues and sadly resulting in the recent loss of my babys twin. I understand that everyone's babys are precious to them, but I really can't see with my current high anxiety me being able to leave her so soon. 😔 Help!
Xx

OP posts:
Schoolofsock · 21/06/2021 02:26

Would you be staying over where the wedding is being held eg in a hotel venue? I've been to a wedding with a v young breast fed baby and I took a close family member with me as babysitter for the day (they didn't attend the wedding). I didn't have the baby with me at the wedding ceremony, meal or evening party. My family babysitter looked after baby in my room during the day /eve and I just popped up to the room every few hours to feed the baby and have a little cuddle! It worked really well. I just had to take my posh dress off for each feed and stick a bathrobe on but I was in my hotel room so fine.

Ruthietuthie · 21/06/2021 02:29

You are so right to decline. At 12 weeks I was still at the stage where missing one feed led to massively painful and leaking breasts (like rocks on your chest) and missing one led to the most terrible painful blockages. Plus, it isn't a given that your baby will take a bottle or that you will be able to express. I did, with a very good pump, but it still took me far longer to express than it did to feed and, perhaps because I wasn't draining the breast properly, I got mastitis afterwards.

I have to say that, until I had my baby, I just did not understand. I remember when a friend's family were taking part in a family charity 5 k. I was really trying to persuade the friend, who had given birth to her third child just a week ago, to join us in the 5 k or at least to come along and cheer. I had NO CLUE what it was like to give birth, to try to establish nursing, to be so so tired with lack of sleep. My friend should have yelled at me. After my baby was born I apologized so so hard. Perhaps your friend will too. But for now, she doesn't get it, and that's ok. She might be upset, but saying NO is really the only way. `12 weeks is just too little for you to leave.

Ruthietuthie · 21/06/2021 02:33

I also join the other posters above in hating a child-free wedding. It seems so antithetical to everything a wedding should be about. And I loved all the little ones playing on the dance-floor at ours. And the babies being admired by family members who otherwise wouldn't have seen them. I just don't get it.

sunflowerdaisies · 21/06/2021 02:53

I took my week old baby to the lunch part of a hen do, it was totally fine, and I've been to others with other very young babies at them for the lunch/afternoon tea. No one minded and it spoilt nothing. Wasn't like there was a toddler running around.

I was also bridesmaid a few weeks later. My husband looked after her elsewhere while we were getting ready and brought her to me to feed shortly before the ceremony.

I'm sorry your friend has this attitude. I think it would significantly alter the friendship for me sadly as there's no real choice but to decline.

jimmyjammy001 · 21/06/2021 03:10

Can't see the problem, if you can't attend because you have to look after your baby then tell her, she dosent want kids there then that's her choice, it's her wedding. I wouldn't want kids at mine either, been to them when there have been and they usually play up and parents getting stressed out, and annoyed with them, either it's a child free wedding where there's no children at all or everyone brings their children, generally people can't let their hair down and have a few drinks and have fun when they have to look after their kids at a wedding and so would spoil the occasion.

Mothership4two · 21/06/2021 03:49

Can't see the problem

The problem is OP is obviously very close to the bride, was going to be a bridesmaid, helped plan her hen party (but then wasn't allowed to go), would have had to leave a 12 week old for a weekend, has had pregnancy health issues and lost a baby during this pregnancy.

OP's doing the right thing and not going even though this must be upsetting.

StardewMelons · 21/06/2021 03:52

Weddings are very boring anyway, I would be using the baby as an excuse not to go! It will also save the cost of a gift, win win Grin

StoppinBy · 21/06/2021 04:26

I wouldn't go and I certainly wouldn't apologise.

Even at child free weddings it is a general rule that babies so young would be expected to come.

Your friend isn't a friend at all sorry to say.

QueenBee52 · 21/06/2021 04:43

@jimmyjammy001

Can't see the problem, if you can't attend because you have to look after your baby then tell her, she dosent want kids there then that's her choice, it's her wedding. I wouldn't want kids at mine either, been to them when there have been and they usually play up and parents getting stressed out, and annoyed with them, either it's a child free wedding where there's no children at all or everyone brings their children, generally people can't let their hair down and have a few drinks and have fun when they have to look after their kids at a wedding and so would spoil the occasion.

I agree...

mountain out of a mole hill. 🌸

QueenBee52 · 21/06/2021 04:43

Even at child free weddings it is a general rule that babies so young would be expected to come.

where is this general rule written 🤔

StoppinBy · 21/06/2021 04:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mothership4two · 21/06/2021 04:58

Maybe not 'shitty' but definitely not very empathetic

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/06/2021 05:01

I think you've come to the right decision for you and your baby.

Your friend might come to regret her decision in future years, whenever she has her own child(ren) but by then you won't know or care, I expect.

It's one thing to not want children at a wedding when they're running around and disrupting everything - another thing entirely when you're against all offspring, including tiny non-mobile ones.

Mothership4two · 21/06/2021 05:01

@StoppinBy

Even at child free weddings it is a general rule that babies so young would be expected to come

Certainly was the case in every child-free wedding I have been to

Cocogreen · 21/06/2021 05:10

Resign as bridesmaid.
Tell her you can't come to the wedding because you don't want to leave the baby.
You must be prepared for her to end the friendship over this.
She's entitled to have her hen and wedding the way she wants but that doesn't mean you have to go if you'd prefer not to.

Happyhappyday · 21/06/2021 05:14

I also wouldn’t want a newborn at my hen do or necessarily my wedding so I don’t think she’s being unreasonable BUT if you were my bridesmaid I would totally understand if you didn’t feel like you could come and try to be as flexible as I could, ie, if I could get a room reserved at venue for you so someone could stay with baby while you came to ceremony etc IF that’s what you wanted.

StoneofDestiny · 21/06/2021 05:21

Some friend.
Tell her you cannot be her bridesmaid.
Sent congrats card.
No gift
Bin friendship.

IAmDaveTheSerialShagger · 21/06/2021 05:21

I am sure I read an identical thread to this a couple of weeks ago. Her wedding her rules. Politely back out now and congratulations on your baby.

MayorGundersonsDogRufus · 21/06/2021 05:50

God, weddings turn people into such selfish arses! Sorry you're having to deal with this, OP. Agree with PP's - you'll have to back out and her reaction will tell you everything you need to know about this friendship.

Milesbennettdyson · 21/06/2021 06:27

Completely agree about not having a baby at a hen doo. It will change the dynamic.

With regards to the wedding, please don’t be too harsh on her. Honestly if you’ve not had kids you honestly think it’s that simple.

I was the youngest out of my entire family and had never been around kids let alone experienced anyone having baby. I probably would have seen that way to be honest before I understood.

1AngelicFruitCake · 21/06/2021 06:34

I’ve been in your situation. I bent over backwards, had my partner bring the baby in and out, skulk about in the hotel room waiting for me all day (hotel in middle of nowhere). One of my clearest memories of her being that young is me saying to her ‘Ill never do that to you again!’ (She was 4 months 😄)
My advice - say you understand and step back from being a bridesmaid.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/06/2021 06:48

Agree no babies at hen do. Mine was afternoon tea but yes if a baby was there , wouldn’t be the same

Wedding. Some people don’t want children at weddings - end of

Fwiw I’m having family children at mine but no friends as don’t have the space (all bar 3 have kids)

Tho I would allow a friends 3mth as babe in arms

So you say you won’t be able to be her bm or come to her wedding as you will have a 3mth old who you can’t leave as wedding isn’t local. And can uou celebrate with her another time

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/06/2021 06:48

Ps sorry about loss of twin 💐

RedHelenB · 21/06/2021 06:52

I don't think you can go to the wedding as a bridesmaid. Most first babies arrive late and at 2 - 3 months need feeding frequently. Bad timing but I think if it was me is stay at home with the baby.

Tangled22 · 21/06/2021 07:01

@Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese

I was a bridesmaid while I was breastfeeding and it was only one whole day event. My mum had bub. By the end of the day I had to leave the reception early because I had leaked massively right down my dress. Everyone was mad AT ME and I was so embarrassed. Anyone who includes tiny breastfed kids in the no kids rule is ignorant at best and cruel at worst. I would make my apologies guilt free, she doesn't sound worth your worries.
Sad Please read this and take heed OP.

Even if you do try “leaving the baby and just pumping” as the bride thinks you should, baby might not take the bottle. At 3 months, you could have to leave the event every 2hrs for 30 mins to pump, all weekend… If you leave it too long you could leak everywhere- you could leak everywhere anyway! You may not be able to pump very well - many women can’t. You could get hard painful breasts or a blocked duct or mastitis. At 3 months, it could ruin your supply and you might never recover it. Also building up enough supply for the freezer to leave baby for a whole weekend will take WEEKS btw. The bride is selfish and it’s just not worth it.

I’ve seen lots of stories like this on mumsnet recently, of brides who aren’t parents yet who just don’t get it. In a way it makes me feel a bit better that it’s not just me - when my first was a newborn (8 weeks!), my “best friend” was insistent I should travel on a “girls weekend” to a different city, and leave my breastfed baby behind. I suggested we visit as a whole family (still too much at 8 weeks tbh) but this was unacceptable to her. She thought I was spending too much time with my husband and needed a break Hmm . Needless to say I didn’t go, some very emotional words were exchanged and the friendship ended there. Great support she was at my most vulnerable time in life.

But the point is, some people just don’t get it unless they’ve been there. Three months is only just the end of the fourth trimester. You say you don’t want to spend a whole weekend away from your 3 month old - you’re right, you won’t want to, and it won’t be logistically possible either. Try and explain it kindly to the bride and then just leave it. Don’t let her make you feel guilty.