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Original poster

Friends wedding

235 replies

Sw93 · 20/06/2021 21:08

Hello!
Sorry newbie here... And after some advice / reassurance I suppose.
I'm currently pregnant with my first baby.
My close friend is getting married in the start of the new year and I'm set to be a bridesmaid so will be there throughout. My baby at that point will be 3 months old. The couple have specifically told me and my other half that they are not having children and do not want our baby at the wedding. I'm trying to be understanding but am finding it difficult... I have asked whether this is just for the ceremony and they have stated it is the whole event. Their wedding is not local and I plan to breast feed. My friend has told me to express and give the baby a bottle and why can't her grandma have her for the weekend. In my eyes 3 months is way too early to leave a baby without its parents for an entire weekend. I cant see myself wanting to be without her for the whole day let alone the weekend and (no judgement to those who chose to bottle feed) but that is not my personal plan and I don't see why I should be made to change my feeding choices for my child.
Aside from this, I'm actually quite hurt that my friend has also uninvited me to the hen party (that I helped to plan) as in her words a baby would mean people won't have a good time. I told her that I obviously wouldn't stay over night etc, but as my baby would only be 2 months at this stage I'd have to bring her to the day activities. My friend has then told me she'd rather not have us there then as she thinks a baby would ruin the atmosphere 🙄

I'm at a loss and feeling a little hurt tbh, what do I do? I don't want to fall out with our friends but I feel I need to put my child first.
This pregnancy has been a difficult journey so far with a lot of health issues and sadly resulting in the recent loss of my babys twin. I understand that everyone's babys are precious to them, but I really can't see with my current high anxiety me being able to leave her so soon. 😔 Help!
Xx

OP posts:
Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 20/06/2021 22:49

@SlipperyDippery I don't think my comment is pathetic? I say its ignorant because a breastfeeding mother is making that babies ONLY food on her chest. Of course FF babies are just as important but you don't need breasts to make their food?!
Not all BF women are able to pump (I couldn't) and therefore it is NOT POSSIBLE to be to be away from the baby.
Of course people are within their rights to hold a childfree event, but to expect your FRIEND to leave their baby that needs them to make their milk is ignorant and/or cruel. Not to mention the agony of engorged breasts after missing only a couple of feeds!

FakeColinCaterpillar · 20/06/2021 22:52

Some babies won’t take a bottle. Some mothers can’t express. You might not at that stage be able to express enough to leave the baby, small babies feed often, you might not have spare to express.
I think going with a baby would be hard, leaving a baby would be impossible and a ridiculous request.
They aren’t a pet. You don’t just get a sitter for the weekend. She’s a cow.

RowanAlong · 20/06/2021 22:55

Of course you’ll want to be with your baby, you needn’t be made to feel apologetic about that. She’s being unreasonable.

She probably doesn’t want the baby at the tea party hen do as the baby will steal the show with the old ladies!

Fieldsofstars · 20/06/2021 22:58

I wouldn’t want to be her friend anymore nevermind attend the wedding.

SlipperyDippery · 20/06/2021 22:58

[quote Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese]@SlipperyDippery I don't think my comment is pathetic? I say its ignorant because a breastfeeding mother is making that babies ONLY food on her chest. Of course FF babies are just as important but you don't need breasts to make their food?!
Not all BF women are able to pump (I couldn't) and therefore it is NOT POSSIBLE to be to be away from the baby.
Of course people are within their rights to hold a childfree event, but to expect your FRIEND to leave their baby that needs them to make their milk is ignorant and/or cruel. Not to mention the agony of engorged breasts after missing only a couple of feeds![/quote]
Obviously a mother shouldn’t be expected to leave her baby to attend a social event if baby can’t safely be left. The solution is for that mother to decline the invitation - then the baby doesn’t get left anywhere.

The problem I have with your comment is you said (from recollection) those that don’t make exceptions for tiny breastfed babies are ignorant and cruel. They aren’t because presumably they aren’t going to force that mother to attend.

It’s twatty not to accept parents (of children of all ages actually) might not be able or willing to attend your wedding without their DC present. It’s not twatty not to invite their children as long as you aren’t a dick about them declining (and that’s the issue I have with this bride).

I think it’s selfish to say someone shouldn’t be allowed to have their child free wedding because I have had a baby and don’t want to miss out on the wedding. And yes I have children and no I didn’t have a childfree wedding.

Bizawit · 20/06/2021 23:03

@SlipperyDippery I think you are being unfair. The reasonable situation you are describing clearly doesn’t apply in the OP’s situation which is the one being discussed by pps. (The bride seems to expect OP to be her bridesmaid and has had the cheek to tell her to leave her baby for the weekend and express!)

Gamingiskillingmymarriage · 20/06/2021 23:08

@Sw93

Thanks for all of the messages, I think at this stage I'm just going to decline going. P.s when I say hen party activities, it would be going to afternoon tea with friends and family (including a couple of elderly relatives) so not a piss up by any stretch. Xx
Excluding you from an afternoon tea is just unkind. A pub crawl I could understand but not that.
SlipperyDippery · 20/06/2021 23:11

[quote Bizawit]@SlipperyDippery I think you are being unfair. The reasonable situation you are describing clearly doesn’t apply in the OP’s situation which is the one being discussed by pps. (The bride seems to expect OP to be her bridesmaid and has had the cheek to tell her to leave her baby for the weekend and express!)[/quote]
I don’t think I’m being unfair because I’ve already said I think the bride in this thread is out of order and the OP should decline and prioritise her baby. That’s my view on OP’s specific situation.

The PP who I was responding to didn’t restrict her post to brides and grooms who insist people leave babies behind and attend, she said this:

Anyone who includes tiny breastfed kids in the no kids rule is ignorant at best and cruel at worst

which very clearly suggests she doesn’t think the situation I describe of the parents declining and the couple accepting this with good grace is reasonable, she thinks the bride and groom are “ignorant and cruel” for including babies in their no kid rule.

Drivingmeupthewall · 20/06/2021 23:13

She’s just the sort to be an unbearable smug mother if she has her own baby. And just the sort to expect the world to stop turning just for her baby. 🙄

EL8888 · 20/06/2021 23:21

Who wants a baby at a hen do Confused. Literally no one. It most definitely would ruin the atmosphere. Your baby is very important to you but it’s not to other people. It’s not malicious, it’s just the way it is

WellLarDeDar · 20/06/2021 23:24

It's fair enough she doesnt want a baby at her hen do, but shes being pretty harsh not letting you take your 3 mo to the wedding. You should drop out of the wedding and see if that makes her budge! If it doesnt then she wasnt a good friend anyway.

gingerbiscuits · 20/06/2021 23:29

Dear God, your so called friend is being an utter bitch in every possible way! Tell her to f@delilahbucket
Congratulations! 💗

gingerbiscuits · 20/06/2021 23:31

@gingerbiscuits

Dear God, your so called friend is being an utter bitch in every possible way! Tell her to f@delilahbucket Congratulations! 💗
Sorry - don't know what happened there! Should have obviously read ..."tell her to f*ck off!"

Ditch the entire thing immediately, spend your time with your precious little one & don't feel in the least bit guilty!
Congrats. 💗

deathbypostitnote · 20/06/2021 23:36

I think your friend may have posted on Mumsnet about this already. There was a bride who didn't want a pregnant friend at the events not long ago. I can't remember the details. She felt she wanted the focus to be on her rather than everyone cooing over a baby. Although she felt she was reasonable, she was unsure enough to post about it and few agreed with her. If it's not your friend this is only confirmation that it's not an unusual problem. It's entirely down to you whether you feel you can overlook it. The one thing you must not do is allow her to make you feel anxious or under pressure. Her day and her choices, your life and your choices. Your needs are far more important to be fair.

Tessabelle74 · 21/06/2021 00:06

Tell her right now you're not attending any longer. She's NOT your friend!

Spyro1234 · 21/06/2021 00:07

I would not go to the wedding, 3 months is so little, how dare she tell you to express and leave them!

MissBattleaxe · 21/06/2021 00:13

Your newborn needs you. Your friend doesn't really want you. It's a no brained

MissBattleaxe · 21/06/2021 00:13

Brainer not brained

Buttons294749 · 21/06/2021 00:20

I was in a similar situation although DC was 2 months. DH had the baby in the room (same hotel) and I went up to feed (I wasn't a BM in all fairness), DS Had major colic so would not have been a good addition!

Lalliella · 21/06/2021 00:33

@Butchyrestingface

My friend has told me to express and give the baby a bottle and why can't her grandma have her for the weekend.

Get her tae fuck.

This ^^

No-one should tell a woman how to feed her baby. I hate the concept of a child-free wedding, how utterly joyless. Tell her to shove her wedding and her stupid rules up her arse.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

LizzieW1969 · 21/06/2021 00:43

My friend has told me to express and give the baby a bottle and why can't her grandma have her for the weekend.

^This is just about the bride being selfish and not caring at all about someone who is supposed to be a close friend. It has nothing to do with her not having children.

LookAtThatCritter · 21/06/2021 01:32

Surprised you even thought to take a baby to a hen do. That’s very clearly unreasonable Confused

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 21/06/2021 01:59

@SlipperyDippery yes of course people are allowed to have child free weddings and as long as they aren't offended when parents RSVP their apologies then that's all good.
My comment is directed at this OP's friend and indeed any other brides that thinks it's fine to include very small babies in this child ban and have the parent happily and easily attend.

Posieandpip · 21/06/2021 02:11

Of course you couldn't bring a baby to a hen do! You're being very unreasonable about that. But you're not being unreasonable about the wedding. I'd not go. There's no way I'd leave my baby with their grandparents for a whole weekend and they're much older than 3 months. Not judging those who do, I just wouldn't have fun worrying about them so no point me being there.

quizqueen · 21/06/2021 02:14

Time to step down from being a bridesmaid and giving the hen do a miss too.