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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding

235 replies

Sw93 · 20/06/2021 21:08

Hello!
Sorry newbie here... And after some advice / reassurance I suppose.
I'm currently pregnant with my first baby.
My close friend is getting married in the start of the new year and I'm set to be a bridesmaid so will be there throughout. My baby at that point will be 3 months old. The couple have specifically told me and my other half that they are not having children and do not want our baby at the wedding. I'm trying to be understanding but am finding it difficult... I have asked whether this is just for the ceremony and they have stated it is the whole event. Their wedding is not local and I plan to breast feed. My friend has told me to express and give the baby a bottle and why can't her grandma have her for the weekend. In my eyes 3 months is way too early to leave a baby without its parents for an entire weekend. I cant see myself wanting to be without her for the whole day let alone the weekend and (no judgement to those who chose to bottle feed) but that is not my personal plan and I don't see why I should be made to change my feeding choices for my child.
Aside from this, I'm actually quite hurt that my friend has also uninvited me to the hen party (that I helped to plan) as in her words a baby would mean people won't have a good time. I told her that I obviously wouldn't stay over night etc, but as my baby would only be 2 months at this stage I'd have to bring her to the day activities. My friend has then told me she'd rather not have us there then as she thinks a baby would ruin the atmosphere 🙄

I'm at a loss and feeling a little hurt tbh, what do I do? I don't want to fall out with our friends but I feel I need to put my child first.
This pregnancy has been a difficult journey so far with a lot of health issues and sadly resulting in the recent loss of my babys twin. I understand that everyone's babys are precious to them, but I really can't see with my current high anxiety me being able to leave her so soon. 😔 Help!
Xx

OP posts:
Itsokthanks · 20/06/2021 22:22

I wouldn't go. Three months is too young to be left with someone else and expressing isn't that simple. Baby might not take a bottle, you'll have to express at the wedding to avoid getting engorged. She clearly doesn't get it and isn't a great friend.

Veggiepotamus · 20/06/2021 22:23

I took my ebf baby to a hen do! Dh brought her in and out for a feed (afternoon tea type thing) and I didn’t go to the drinking parts.

Spending a weekend away from a tiny ebf baby would be logistically difficult apart from everything else. You’d probably need to pump every few hours and baby would need a lot of feeds over the weekend. Apart from the fact of getting a babysitter, emotional toll of leaving baby etc. Your friend is being really unreasonable and selfish.

category12 · 20/06/2021 22:23

Don't go.

Nanny0gg · 20/06/2021 22:26

@Sw93

Thanks for all of the messages, I think at this stage I'm just going to decline going. P.s when I say hen party activities, it would be going to afternoon tea with friends and family (including a couple of elderly relatives) so not a piss up by any stretch. Xx
Be aware that when your baby arrives you won’t see her for dust.

I think your friendship was of its time and that time has passed

Tiredmum100 · 20/06/2021 22:26

I agree a baby changes the dynamics of a hen party, regardless of what it is. My friends, friend brought her baby to my friends hen party (I left my 3 month baby at home with dh for the weekend) definitely wasn't so good, her dh and his friend stayed at the hotel with us which spoiled it a bit and we all and we went home early on the Saturday night as she needed to feed the baby and we all felt bad making her go back to the hotel on her own. As far as the wedding goes, I would back out now and say you'll attend as a guest, depending on how you feel once your baby has arrived. I went to my friends wedding with out my 3 month old baby, but he was bottle fed and it was a local event so no leaving him over night. He was actually invited but as his name wasn't on the invite I didn't take him, get to the wedding and his name is on the table plan. I personally felt able to do a fair bit with and without a new born, but we're all different.

shouldistop · 20/06/2021 22:26

I wouldn't be going to the wedding. It's up to her if she wants children at the wedding but I wouldn't be leaving a baby that small so I'd say I can't go.

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 20/06/2021 22:27

Not a chance that I could have done that!

DS is 2, still breastfed and we’re having our first night away from him next week. At 3 months he would have refused a bottle, been inconsolable and I’d have been an absolute emotional wreck.

DD was bottle fed by 3 months and was far more relaxed and we had an evening out from her at about 3 months. But it wasn’t overnight, just about 4 hours. I missed her and cried a lot that evening!

I would decline going and say she’ll be too young to be away from.

a1poshpaws · 20/06/2021 22:28

I agree with previous posters - not wanting a baby at a hen do is absolutely reasonable: telling you that you can't take your tiny breast-fed baby to her wedding is pants. She's not a true friend. (Actually she sounds a proper little sh*t)

Anyway, by the time the wedding comes around, I can almost guarantee you that you will be utterly relieved that you told her you can't attend without the baby, because all you're going to want to do is spend time with your little one and your partner - and sleep!

I'm so sorry you lost your baby's twin, that must have been so heartbreaking. I wish you an easy delivery and a lovely life. Flowers

PicturesOfLily · 20/06/2021 22:29

Another post to say decline being a bridesmaid. I’d decline the wedding invite too. I have a breastfed 3 month old and there is no way I could leave her, even if I’d somehow managed to express enough for the weekend and get her to take a bottle in advance which is unlikely. However, I had very little experience of babies before becoming a mother and genuinely would not have realised the impossibility of the situation so I would give your friend the benefit of the doubt.

lastcall · 20/06/2021 22:29

Decline the invitation formally, send a card (no gift!) congratulating them, and let her go.

PleaseReferToMeAsBritneySpears · 20/06/2021 22:31

Echoing what PPs have said. It's a ridiculous suggestion. Some babies take weeks to get used to taking expressed breastmilk from a bottle, if at all. It doesn't just happen one day. But even if you are formula feeding, leaving the baby for a whole day and night is not something you'll eat to do.

Maybe when she's got a three month old herself she'll remember this and realise what a stupid idea it was.

I'm sorry she's been so thoughtless and hope you find a way to back out of the wedding without losing your friendship.

Tubs11 · 20/06/2021 22:32

As this is your first baby I doubt you'd make the hen and think YABU

Your friend is BU about the wedding though and being the ultimate bridezilla, I'd try and reason with her and if she doesn't change her mind I'd cry off the wedding

OldTinHat · 20/06/2021 22:35

You won't want to leave your baby when it's so tiny and new and you're bf. You're going to have to let her down and say sorry but you won't be able to attend under the circumstances. Don't let anyone tell you what to do regarding feeding your baby either - that's your business, not theirs.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 20/06/2021 22:36

@Bouncebacker

“I’m sure the wedding will be wonderful but I won’t be ready to leave my baby at that stage so I’m afraid I can’t make it - perhaps we could celebrate with you both at another time?”
Or rather “if one day you are the mother of a tiny baby, I hope you remember what an utter twat you were to me.”
Lightswitchesoffatnight · 20/06/2021 22:38

Your poor breasts will fill with milk and become extremely painful if you suddenly stop feeding your baby. The milk will leak out and you will be drenched in milk. Then there’s your poor baby, who will want their mother and breastmilk. It’s impossible to manage this, you can’t go. Explain the situation to your friend, as she clearly hasn’t a clue.

Bibbetyboo · 20/06/2021 22:39

Attending a wedding soon where the venue doesn’t allow children under 7.

Even they allow breastfeeding babies.

Entirely unreasonable to tell someone to leave a 3m old at home for the weekend. Neither of you know what the baby will be like. I can’t think of anything worse than all the expressing you’d have to do in advance and after. And baby would take days to adjust back to breast after (potentially). It seems cruel to me and unnecessary.

Écho those above saying pass on the wedding. At 3m after my first i could barely walk anyway (SPD in pregnancy and then complicated birth). No one can know how you will feel and even if all goes well who wants to have to put on a bridesmaid dress to look after your child of a friend...

Bibbetyboo · 20/06/2021 22:40

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow spot on

Stickyjamhands · 20/06/2021 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

occa · 20/06/2021 22:42

‘Dear Bride,

I am going to withdraw from bridesmaid duties as I don’t want to leave my baby to attend your wedding. I’ll come to your next one.

Best of luck,
Sw93

Bibbetyboo · 20/06/2021 22:43

Oh and I left my baby at 4m for a night with expresses milk and she screamed non stop and refused to feed until I came back. Had previously had a bottle when I needed to leave her for 1-2 hours when I went to the drs or the dentist. You’re not meant to mix bottles and breast until feeding established at about 12w so the timing really doesn’t work for you! Be strong and put yourself and your baby first

Bizawit · 20/06/2021 22:45

Not wanting a baby at the hen do is fair enough. Telling you to leave your 3 month old breastfed baby for the weekend so you can be a bridesmaid is disgustingly out of order. Say you are sorry but no and don’t go. Sorry you have such a selfish friend OP 😔

SlipperyDippery · 20/06/2021 22:45

@occa

‘Dear Bride,

I am going to withdraw from bridesmaid duties as I don’t want to leave my baby to attend your wedding. I’ll come to your next one.

Best of luck,
Sw93

Is this a “she’s having a childfree wedding so the marriage won’t last” type of post?

I was wondering how we had got 5 pages in without that nonsense making an appearance. I think this bride is a twat but it has nothing to do with how long she will be married for.

crummyusername · 20/06/2021 22:46

To be fair (??), pre-children I don’t think I’d have quite appreciated how hard it would be just to leave them with someone. Perhaps it’s more ignorance than heartlessness and you could try gently explaining why it’s just not practically possible.

Themeparklover · 20/06/2021 22:46

If she was truly your friend and you meant a lot to the day she would accommodate you and your baby and help you out especially with what you've been through, like above said just don't go she's shown her true colours and will probably feel silly a few years down the line trying to look after her own children and attend events, she's either a shitty friend or you just aren't as close as you think

Bizawit · 20/06/2021 22:47

Or rather “if one day you are the mother of a tiny baby, I hope you remember what an utter twat you were to me”.

Spot. On.

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