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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding

235 replies

Sw93 · 20/06/2021 21:08

Hello!
Sorry newbie here... And after some advice / reassurance I suppose.
I'm currently pregnant with my first baby.
My close friend is getting married in the start of the new year and I'm set to be a bridesmaid so will be there throughout. My baby at that point will be 3 months old. The couple have specifically told me and my other half that they are not having children and do not want our baby at the wedding. I'm trying to be understanding but am finding it difficult... I have asked whether this is just for the ceremony and they have stated it is the whole event. Their wedding is not local and I plan to breast feed. My friend has told me to express and give the baby a bottle and why can't her grandma have her for the weekend. In my eyes 3 months is way too early to leave a baby without its parents for an entire weekend. I cant see myself wanting to be without her for the whole day let alone the weekend and (no judgement to those who chose to bottle feed) but that is not my personal plan and I don't see why I should be made to change my feeding choices for my child.
Aside from this, I'm actually quite hurt that my friend has also uninvited me to the hen party (that I helped to plan) as in her words a baby would mean people won't have a good time. I told her that I obviously wouldn't stay over night etc, but as my baby would only be 2 months at this stage I'd have to bring her to the day activities. My friend has then told me she'd rather not have us there then as she thinks a baby would ruin the atmosphere 🙄

I'm at a loss and feeling a little hurt tbh, what do I do? I don't want to fall out with our friends but I feel I need to put my child first.
This pregnancy has been a difficult journey so far with a lot of health issues and sadly resulting in the recent loss of my babys twin. I understand that everyone's babys are precious to them, but I really can't see with my current high anxiety me being able to leave her so soon. 😔 Help!
Xx

OP posts:
rainyskylight · 20/06/2021 21:20

3 months is very early. I highly doubt you will be able to leave your baby. You will be very much in the thick of it. 3 months can be a tricky transitional stage with huge sleep regression. Plus the jabs at 12 and 16 weeks. A baby at a hen party is a vibe killer - you could propel a manage to go for a little while if baby was nearby and/or you didn’t have to travel far. But leaving a 3mo to go to a wedding... 🥺

m0therofdragons · 20/06/2021 21:20

I definitely understand re hen do and wouldn’t want a baby at a hen do! However, the weekend wedding expecting you to not breast feed would be the end of a friendship for me! That’s nonsense.

PurpleDaisies · 20/06/2021 21:20

People without kids often struggle to understand the impact of what they are asking.

You do realise this is a patronising, sweeping generalisation? People with children aren’t idiots. Plenty of us are capable of realising a young baby can’t easily be left with a relative. You don’t have to be a parent for that. Hmm

Teenagers2grownups0 · 20/06/2021 21:20

@Bouncebacker

“I’m sure the wedding will be wonderful but I won’t be ready to leave my baby at that stage so I’m afraid I can’t make it - perhaps we could celebrate with you both at another time?”
That is perfect wording.

To be honest I wouldn’t want a baby at a hen do either as it really would change the dynamic so I see where she is coming from on that point. But she can’t expect you to leave a three month old for a weekend. Fine to want a child free wedding, I get that but she has to expect that not everyone can make it.

hellogem · 20/06/2021 21:21

Ergh these friend unfortunately don't understand the difficulty of pregnancy and new born baby until they themselves experience it! I bet if you were to leave baby, and then when eventually she has her own baby, she would tell you how she can't believe you left your baby at such a young age.
She sounds sooo horrible, if I were you I would uninvite myself from the wedding, I'd tell her exactly how it is. Is this whole no children to weddings relatively a new thing? Only ever heard about it on MN.

Rightthen24 · 20/06/2021 21:22

Of course you cannot take the baby to a hen do, that's reasonable. Leave baby with hubby for the day, express for a bottle or simply don't go. Same goes for the wedding, either explain you can't be her bridesmaid or make arrangements to leave baby with hubby.
I dont think your friend is BU, she's told you her expectations so you have a choice as to what to do. It's her wedding so she's perfectly reasonable to have a child free wedding, what you do is up to you.

motogogo · 20/06/2021 21:22

You have an ex friend!

RampantIvy · 20/06/2021 21:22

I agree with everyone. Just tell her that you won't be able to be a bridesmaid. If you stand down now it will give her plenty of time to replace you. Bouncebacker's reponse is perfect.

N4ish · 20/06/2021 21:22

I have been to a hen party where one of the other guests brought her tiny baby. It was lovely and didn’t change the atmosphere at all. She obviously only attended the meal bit and didn’t come on to the nightclub but there were no issues at all. I’m assuming of her baby had been screaming the place down she would have made her excuses and left.

PurpleDaisies · 20/06/2021 21:22

Is this whole no children to weddings relatively a new thing?

Thirty years ago I didn’t go to a wedding because it was no children invited.

Thisisthewaywego · 20/06/2021 21:23

I’d withdraw from being a bridesmaid and decline the wedding invite. Her uninviting you from the hen party is hurtful, even though tbh babies don’t belong as these events. She could have politely made it clear you couldn’t bring the baby and leave it to you to pull out of attending.

Your baby takes priority over her wedding and only a fool won’t be able to see that so if she gets the hump then she’s not much of a friend (not that I was suggesting she is).

There has been so many threads with these same circumstances and I can only hope these brides realise if they have DC themselves later on that their expectations to have their bridesmaid dump a b/f newborn on a relative for a day/weekend is not conducive to your future friendship.

Twinmammaplusone · 20/06/2021 21:23

I assume your friend doesn’t have children. The hen do request is fair I think, but expecting you you to leave a 3mo is ridiculous.

MeanyJoany · 20/06/2021 21:23

Well to be fair she was right about the hen, who the hell wants a baby at a hen? I would be annoyed if I paid for a hen and someone brought a baby.

The wedding is different, she is entitled to want a child free wedding, you are entitled to not want to go. You need to talk to her, maybe have someone stay with the baby in the hotel? So the baby isn't there but you can see/feed the baby as required? If not I would out now and give as much notice as possible

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/06/2021 21:23

Maybe your friend just doesnt get it if she has no experience of babies but if you are EBF its very unlikely you will be able to express and leave the baby with someone for a weekend.
The baby may be a bottle refuser (both of mine refused bottles completely and permanently from bang on 3 months).
Even if they take a bottle, expressing is really fucking hard work. It used to tske me 2 x half an hour of expressing just to get enough for one feed. To get enough for a couple of days would have been hours and hours and hours of work. Time which is very difficult to find when you've got a newborn.
Even if the above two points are ok, your boobs are likely to be engorged and painful as expressing does just not drain your boobs as much as a feeding baby. This will be uncomfortable and make you look like a porn star at best and lead to mastitis at worst.
At 3 months I think I'd have been miserable leaving my EBF babies even though I did feel a bit resentful being tied to them.

I think you step down from bridesmaid duties, and if you really want to keep the friendship you go for the day, take someone with you (other parent? Your mum?) and keep popping up to their room to feed them. Massive hassle for everyone involved but its the only solution other than not going

Terrazzo · 20/06/2021 21:23

I was a bridesmaid with a 3 month old. It’s perfectly doable if the bride isn’t a swine!! She is BVU.

Gullible2021 · 20/06/2021 21:24

@PurpleDaisies

People without kids often struggle to understand the impact of what they are asking.

You do realise this is a patronising, sweeping generalisation? People with children aren’t idiots. Plenty of us are capable of realising a young baby can’t easily be left with a relative. You don’t have to be a parent for that. Hmm

This.

I don't have kids, although I wanted them,
but I am fully aware that this is an unreasonable request and that you can't ask it of the mother of an EBF 3 month old. I'd think it was the case that most people
would know this, parents or not.

Womencanlift · 20/06/2021 21:26

YABU to think a baby at a hen (even if it’s just during the day) is a good idea.

I wouldn’t mind a baby at a wedding but if there was one at the hen I would be a bit Hmm

For the wedding itself YANBU. Going by other threads on the same topic you tend to have the following options:

  1. You pay for a separate room for a family member to look after the baby and you return when you need to feed
  2. Your husband stays in the hotel room and you go to wedding and return to room to feed. You could even swap with you spending an hour, your DH spends an hour
  3. You decline
TolkiensFallow · 20/06/2021 21:26

She sounds uncaring. Ditch her. Don’t go.

PineappleMojito · 20/06/2021 21:27

I see both POV here, but sounds like she’s gone about it quite insensitively especially given how difficult a time you’ve had.

I get that if a bridesmaid is preoccupied with a small baby, it makes it difficult on the day for the person to be focused on the wedding events. I also wouldn’t want a baby at a hen do. It does somewhat change the atmosphere. But as much as I see the bride’s needs/POV here it does feel like she’s being quite inflexible and not very kind in how she’s gone about it. I don’t know if you’re the only one of her friends who has kids at this point. I guess if a few of you did, she’d be having to make some different choices and compromises.

Ultimately, it feels like both your needs can’t be accommodated here and you’re absolutely right to put your child first. But you also can’t impose that on her wedding and hen do if she doesn’t want that. She will have to understand the impact on your friendship and your participation in her wedding this will have, and make that trade off - and you will also have a decision to make about how important this friendship will be for you in future.

CoraPirbright · 20/06/2021 21:27

A baby at a hen would be a solid no from me - it would totally change the dynamic of the event.

She is being a bit of a cow about the rest though. When/if she has a baby, I bet she will look back on her demanding ways and (should) feel embarrassed. Ditch the whole thing & enjoy your baby.

Original poster
Sw93 · 20/06/2021 21:28

Thanks for all of the messages, I think at this stage I'm just going to decline going. P.s when I say hen party activities, it would be going to afternoon tea with friends and family (including a couple of elderly relatives) so not a piss up by any stretch. Xx

OP posts:
SockQueen · 20/06/2021 21:31

Well, I took my 8 week old EBF DS2 to my sister's hen do, and then flew to Germany for her wedding and was a bridesmaid when he was 11 weeks, so it can be done (for all those saying you can't possibly have a tiny baby on a hen party) but it sounds like it's not going to work out in the circumstances you describe.

For my sister, another of her friends also had a small baby, and it was more important to her that we were all there than that we got plastered or whatever, so we planned things that would work. Glamping, mini music festival (DS2 had headphones on and slept in his pram/sling most of the day), just a small group of friends relaxing together. It was lovely! I probably found the whole thing easier EBF than I would have trying to FF on a campsite, boiling water in pans and trying to keep things clean.

Caveat - DS2 was a very chilled baby, good feeder and decent sleeper, and I was much more relaxed as he was my second and I wasn't as overwhelmed by it all as I had been first time.

Velvian · 20/06/2021 21:33

I would have found it impossible to express sufficient for a whole day (and night?), it would take days. I would also have got mastitis on the day of the wedding from not feeding, even if I expressed while there.

It would also take a lot of preparation to get your baby to take a bottle, just for your friend's wedding.

That's before the distress to you, the baby and your mum looking after a BFed baby. Your friend has no idea what's involved in a day without your 3 month old baby.

MrsBobDylan · 20/06/2021 21:33

Good choice op. Enjoy your lovely baby when she arrives. I am past the wedding and baby stage now and wouldn't bother with the former, but would do the latter as many times as I could.

AriadnetheSpider · 20/06/2021 21:35

She sounds like an absolutely terrible friend who isn’t considering anyone else but herself. How selfish.

You need to hand in your notice as bridesmaid and seriously consider whether you want to commit to going to the wedding at all. Your baby has to come first.

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