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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding

235 replies

Sw93 · 20/06/2021 21:08

Hello!
Sorry newbie here... And after some advice / reassurance I suppose.
I'm currently pregnant with my first baby.
My close friend is getting married in the start of the new year and I'm set to be a bridesmaid so will be there throughout. My baby at that point will be 3 months old. The couple have specifically told me and my other half that they are not having children and do not want our baby at the wedding. I'm trying to be understanding but am finding it difficult... I have asked whether this is just for the ceremony and they have stated it is the whole event. Their wedding is not local and I plan to breast feed. My friend has told me to express and give the baby a bottle and why can't her grandma have her for the weekend. In my eyes 3 months is way too early to leave a baby without its parents for an entire weekend. I cant see myself wanting to be without her for the whole day let alone the weekend and (no judgement to those who chose to bottle feed) but that is not my personal plan and I don't see why I should be made to change my feeding choices for my child.
Aside from this, I'm actually quite hurt that my friend has also uninvited me to the hen party (that I helped to plan) as in her words a baby would mean people won't have a good time. I told her that I obviously wouldn't stay over night etc, but as my baby would only be 2 months at this stage I'd have to bring her to the day activities. My friend has then told me she'd rather not have us there then as she thinks a baby would ruin the atmosphere 🙄

I'm at a loss and feeling a little hurt tbh, what do I do? I don't want to fall out with our friends but I feel I need to put my child first.
This pregnancy has been a difficult journey so far with a lot of health issues and sadly resulting in the recent loss of my babys twin. I understand that everyone's babys are precious to them, but I really can't see with my current high anxiety me being able to leave her so soon. 😔 Help!
Xx

OP posts:
toocold54 · 20/06/2021 21:56

There is no compromise here unfortunately. She doesn’t want a baby at her wedding which is her choice and you don’t want to leave a 3 month old which I wouldn’t want to either.
I’d tell her you’re not coming as you’re not going to leave your baby at that age. If she is your friend she will be understanding and if she’s not then I wouldn’t feel bad about loosing her.

baldafrique · 20/06/2021 21:58

Fuck her off

PurpleDaisies · 20/06/2021 21:58

Actually re-reading the op, this whole thing might be jumping the gun.

How was it actually left with your friend? Did you tell her you didn’t think expressing and leaving the baby would work for you?

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/06/2021 21:58

I can understand her desire not to have your baby at the hen do / afternoon tea. It does change the dynamic.

However, to not want an ebf baby at the wedding means you absolutely cannot go.

The way your friend has gone about this is very hurtful though. I’d just politely withdraw and hope she will realise how unkind she was in the future.

Castlepeak · 20/06/2021 21:58

Your friend is an idiot. You don’t leave a 3 month old breastfed baby. The two of you are a unit.

It would be ok for grandma to be outside the ceremony holding baby while you do the bridesmaid thing. You could feed just before to increase odds of a compliant baby. Of course the bridesmaid dress needs to be selected with this in mind.

Another option is that you attend as a guest with an infant in arms.

If your friend can’t see these as reasonable options, she needs to accept that you can’t attend.

klangers · 20/06/2021 21:59

I'm sorry for the loss of your twin. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

Just decline the invitation. I totally get how you won't want to leave your baby. Those who say well just express have no understanding that feeding and expressing are very different. I never managed to express more than a few ounces, yet successfully exclusively breast fed for 6 months and continued to feed for 2 years

FilthyforFirth · 20/06/2021 22:00

Of course you cant take a baby on a hen do, totally unreasonable! I wouldnt go in your shoes to the wedding though. Just decline.

Theboywiththearabstrap · 20/06/2021 22:01

YABU to want to bring a baby to a hen event but totally YANBU about the wedding. I would pull out of being a bridesmaid now & would not go to the wedding if you felt that you had exhausted all options of having the baby nearby, watched by someone else during the day.

hellogem · 20/06/2021 22:02

@PurpleDaisies wow!! I come from a culture where if ever there was to be a child free wedding, no one would turn up! Lol

StepMumALum · 20/06/2021 22:03

@DoucheCanoe

I wouldn't want a baby at my hen do either tbh so I'd say that's fair enough.

Expecting you to express and feed plus ask your Mum to keep baby for the weekend however is a ridiculous request!

I'd explain that it's not feasible for you to go, send your apologies and well wishes.

I agree...wouldn't want a baby at my hen do at all.

I'd get maybe the ceremony not having the baby but I don't see the harm having her at the reception.x

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 20/06/2021 22:05

Well she’s made the decision easy for you. Resign as bridesmaid, decline the wedding invite and find some new friends.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 20/06/2021 22:05

I was a bridesmaid while I was breastfeeding and it was only one whole day event. My mum had bub. By the end of the day I had to leave the reception early because I had leaked massively right down my dress. Everyone was mad AT ME and I was so embarrassed.
Anyone who includes tiny breastfed kids in the no kids rule is ignorant at best and cruel at worst.
I would make my apologies guilt free, she doesn't sound worth your worries.

DelurkingAJ · 20/06/2021 22:05

We had several babies at my hen do. Lots of my friends had small babies and I wanted them there so we had something they could come to, no skin off my nose. My DM (at that stage very very frustrated not to be a GM yet) was in heaven and we had a glorious time.

MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 20/06/2021 22:08

@Bouncebacker

“I’m sure the wedding will be wonderful but I won’t be ready to leave my baby at that stage so I’m afraid I can’t make it - perhaps we could celebrate with you both at another time?”
Something like this would be good to send however someone as ridiculous to suggest you leave a 3 month old with a grandparent probably wouldn’t react well to having her precious wedding spoiled so I would prepare for a lot of tantrums and her ending the friendship over this OP.
Gullible2021 · 20/06/2021 22:11

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Most of my friends don’t have babies and they wouldn’t be so stupid or cruel as OPs friend- this isn’t a childless thing, it’s a self obsessed bridezilla thing!
Thanks for stating this. I honestly despair at some of views on here towards childless women and it can be hurtful to read that we are seen as not being capable of imagining the needs of mothers and babies or how we wouldn't know how difficult it is to express or that we somehow can't imagine the difficulties or impracticalities involved in being expected to be a bridesmaid with a newborn.

We won't all get our "turn" as a pp
so confidently states Hmm.

As you say, most of us aren't cruel or stupid.

This isn't a "childless woman thing".

It's a "selfish bridezilla thing". Thank goodness there are some posters who realise this and don't use it as yet another opportunity to insult and knock down women who don't have children.

QueenBee52 · 20/06/2021 22:11

Child free Weddings ..Bride and Grooms choice.

Decline the invite, sounds like she uninvited you anyway, cutting you out of the HenDo [hmm[

Nothingyet · 20/06/2021 22:12

This will make me unpopular but a crying baby puts a damper on most things. And a hen party! You're crazy to think of it.
It's a shame and all that, but thank your lucky stars you have a baby to care for and give the wedding a miss.

Notaroadrunner · 20/06/2021 22:12

I wouldn't want a baby at the hen do and if she's having a child free wedding then so be it. However she cannot now expect you to attend the wedding if you're still breastfeeding, let alone be bridesmaid. Tell her asap so she can find someone else. As regards leaving the baby, if you didn't manage to breastfeed (not all of us do) then you could ask granny to mind her for the night and go to the wedding so just step down from bridesmaid duty for now.

SlipperyDippery · 20/06/2021 22:13

Anyone who includes tiny breastfed kids in the no kids rule is ignorant at best and cruel at worst

What a pathetic comment. Anyone with a tiny breastfed baby (obviously formula feeding mothers of newborns can go fuck themselves) should decline an invitation which doesn’t include their baby if they aren’t comfortable leaving them behind.

The suggestion you shouldn’t be entitled to hold a child free event because someone has had a baby is ridiculous.

Sonofabiscuit · 20/06/2021 22:14

@Sw93

Thanks for all of the messages, I think at this stage I'm just going to decline going. P.s when I say hen party activities, it would be going to afternoon tea with friends and family (including a couple of elderly relatives) so not a piss up by any stretch. Xx
OP saw what type of hen party and the bride does not want the attention away from her . I'm betting if you were togo more would be interested in your baby then her . Just tell her your cant be a park of her wedding and concentrate on your baby .Flowers
Frogsonglue · 20/06/2021 22:15

Good for you. I wouldn't be politely declining personally, I'd be telling my friend what a massive twat she was.

CannibalQueen · 20/06/2021 22:16

She’s being awfully selfish. This is one of these occasions when you have to choose between your kid and the big party. Don’t go. Some things are more important.

bloodyhell19 · 20/06/2021 22:20

It's the fact that she's told you what to do, rather than try and compromise on what might work for both of you that makes me think she's not a good friend and nasty, quite frankly. I've said before on here that I was one of those bad evil and wicked people that had a child-free wedding outside of immediate family due to numbers, but never - and I mean never - would I have told anyone with a babe in arms what to do with their child. No baby that young wants or needs to be separated from their mum, not even for a wedding. Who does she think she is?!

stellarfox · 20/06/2021 22:21

I wouldn’t go without baby being allowed to go. No way would I leave a 3 month old with someone else and my daughter never took a bottle anyway! She should make an exception for you or I’d just say you can’t make it

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 20/06/2021 22:21

I had a friend that told me when l was pregnant she expected me to go to Vegas for her 40th the following year. Yeah righty-ho! Couldn't understand why l wouldn't commit to going as surely your mum could just have it?!
Hahahaha she had a baby 2 years later and would never dream of leaving her precious bundle.
Your friend has no idea what she is asking of you OP, l would graciously step back now and say l would rather say now.
Let someone else deal with bridezillal!
Agree with the hen do though, not appropriate to take a baby to that.