Friends wedding

[Sw93]

Hello!
Sorry newbie here... And after some advice / reassurance I suppose.
I'm currently pregnant with my first baby.
My close friend is getting married in the start of the new year and I'm set to be a bridesmaid so will be there throughout. My baby at that point will be 3 months old. The couple have specifically told me and my other half that they are not having children and do not want our baby at the wedding. I'm trying to be understanding but am finding it difficult... I have asked whether this is just for the ceremony and they have stated it is the whole event. Their wedding is not local and I plan to breast feed. My friend has told me to express and give the baby a bottle and why can't her grandma have her for the weekend. In my eyes 3 months is way too early to leave a baby without its parents for an entire weekend. I cant see myself wanting to be without her for the whole day let alone the weekend and (no judgement to those who chose to bottle feed) but that is not my personal plan and I don't see why I should be made to change my feeding choices for my child.
Aside from this, I'm actually quite hurt that my friend has also uninvited me to the hen party (that I helped to plan) as in her words a baby would mean people won't have a good time. I told her that I obviously wouldn't stay over night etc, but as my baby would only be 2 months at this stage I'd have to bring her to the day activities. My friend has then told me she'd rather not have us there then as she thinks a baby would ruin the atmosphere 🙄

I'm at a loss and feeling a little hurt tbh, what do I do? I don't want to fall out with our friends but I feel I need to put my child first.
This pregnancy has been a difficult journey so far with a lot of health issues and sadly resulting in the recent loss of my babys twin. I understand that everyone's babys are precious to them, but I really can't see with my current high anxiety me being able to leave her so soon. 😔 Help!
Xx

Expecting to take a baby on a hen weekend is a bit ridiculous whether it's just afternoon tea or not

The wedding day....well of course it's up to you but she has every right to say no children just as you do to decline the invite

That's madness, I had a child free wedding but 3 of my bridesmaids had babies just under 1 (as did I) and they were both invited. It's not even about feeding choices it will be a small baby and it's unreasonable to expect you to leave her for a while weekend. The hen do is just plain rude. I would say I'm sorry but I can't plan to be a part f your day as I have no idea how baby will be doing at that point.

What is it with weddings? Some folk think that theirs is a thoroughly sophisticated affair, too good for even their friends...
When really a good old knees up would be much more fun, less stress & a lot less heartache. I just wouldn’t bother with the whole thing.

Time to re-evaluate the friendship, OP. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope that all goes smoothly for you.

I think we need to consider the middle ground here.

I get the feeling your friend isn’t a mother and so can have Absolutly no understanding of the depth of desire to be with and protect your own child.

She won’t get that till her time comes.

Right now she has no way of comprehending the need to feed and protect your child.

It’s not her fault it’s a fact.

Her comments are unhelpful but I sense they are coming from someone with no clue what you are going on with.

It’s a shame she is unable to empathise with you, I make another assumption here and say she is probably totally wrapped up in “her special day” that other people’s logistics just aren’t entering her mind.

And yeah I can see why she wouldn’t want a brand new baby at either her hen do or wedding, I was the same at my own. It is her day to have how she likes.

At the same time I can totally see where you are coming from.

At the end of the day you are right, you need to put your child and their needs first.

Brand new babies and brand new mums shouldn’t be separated and need each other especially in the first few months.

Also babies and weddings seldom go well.

Maybe this is the moment to say thank you for asking me to be such an important part of your day but because of the closeness to my child’s due date and the needs we will have in the months after I don’t feel like we will be able to attend.

Wish her well and then all have some breathing space.

No need to end a friendship or do anything dramatic.

You guys are just in different places right now, that’s ok too.

Breath lovely

Sometimes we can’t be and do everything xxx

Give yourself a break x

I am really sorry for the loss of your baby twins and huge congratulations on this pregnancy. You really have to put your baby first. Everyone is different, but it does seem unlikely you will be able to express and leave your baby for the weekend
easily when they are only 12 weeks. Even if you can get a bit enough milk stored and your baby happily takes a bottle, it will probably be very difficult emotionally to leave such a small baby and you would have to pump throughout the wedding. I think your friend probably knows nothing about babies, but I personally would very firmly explain that as much as you love her, you will have to put your baby first. As an aside, in my experience, most people who say not children at weddings do make an allowance for babes in arms for this specific reason. I am biased though, I love chidlren at weddings, I had loads at mine, they were great.

I think that, sadly, the answer is if baby doesn't go neither do you. Sadly your friend is unlikely to see how unreasonable she is being until she has children of her own. We have a family wedding when LO will be around 4 months and whilst LO is reluctantly invited I've been told multiple times that I could leave the baby at home (with who I don't know) and have a "night off". Um... no...

I am trying to recall where I was with my BF, baby no1 at 3 months. I would say we were still struggling with BF a bit- I had mastitis at around 3 months which made me very ill. He wasn’t weight gaining enough so BF was a whole ritual of stripping off for skin to skin and every feed took a long time. No one else could be Mum for a night at that age.

I personally never really got on with expressing, I used to get such tiny amounts out that it was like liquid gold! I introduced a bottle at 7 months & definitely didn’t combination feed bottle and boob as early as 3. But more than anything, I didn’t want to leave him at 3 months for more than an hour or two. I didn’t leave my little ones overnight until they were 1 years old.

We all know she is being unreasonable, I just wanted to show you that for many new parents her request is completely unreasonable- however, if she isn’t a parent she may not understand this.

On the hen do, to be honest, you really won’t know until you’re a mum how mobile you’ll be with your little one. But she’s called it and uninvited you.

It’s a sad fact sometimes friendships take different paths when you reach a crossroads in your lives a different times. Sounds like she fully wants the wedding to be about her & is showing she’s not a very understanding, or flexible mate I’m afraid.

Definitely decline to go.

She sounds like she will be a bridezilla and this is probably a blessing in disguise. Plenty of stories on here from bridesmaids being pressured into spending hundreds of pounds or all of their spare time on someone else's wedding.

Yeah easier said then done

My friend said same to me - Just express and leave baby - easy

My baby is a bottle refuser and also I didn’t want to bloody express soo no it’s not an option for everyone - just decline and enjoy your baby x

I think you're absolutely right to decline going. Very sensible decision. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and with your new baby. I think you'll be a fab Mum.

She isn't a friend. I would bow out of going to the wedding. If she has a child one day she'll learn, but there is currently no reasoning with her, and nor should you have to. I have a friend who is due a baby any day now and I've said for her to come to our wedding if she's up to it and bring baby too if she wants.

Decline. Decline. Decline

It doesn't sound like attending would be feasible. Attending weddings would have been the last thing on my agenda with a tiny baby. Especially first born, when everything is new and unpredictable.

When you have kids your priorities change, you leave some friends behind too (or it just no longer works out) you make new friends. Things are set to change is what I'm trying to say. Don't put her wedding ahead of what you feel comfortable with.

I decline all no-children weddings unless v local as finding childcare is not easy and I don't like being away from them particularly. Plus attending weddings is expensive.

Decline the whole thing.
Not worth the stress for you.
She will be mortified one day if she has her own kids 🙄 . Selfish people don’t even try to “get it”

It’s her wedding and her decision. It doesn’t mean you have to agree or accept it.

On her side if she allows your child she may have to allow others. On your side you don’t feel comfortable leaving your child.

If your unhappy pull out now.

Commiserations on your loss OP. I'm mentally boggling at the thought of cramming sore boobs into a wonderbra or the like.... It doesn't sound much fun for you.

@PineappleMojito

I see both POV here, but sounds like she’s gone about it quite insensitively especially given how difficult a time you’ve had.

I get that if a bridesmaid is preoccupied with a small baby, it makes it difficult on the day for the person to be focused on the wedding events. I also wouldn’t want a baby at a hen do. It does somewhat change the atmosphere. But as much as I see the bride’s needs/POV here it does feel like she’s being quite inflexible and not very kind in how she’s gone about it. I don’t know if you’re the only one of her friends who has kids at this point. I guess if a few of you did, she’d be having to make some different choices and compromises.

Ultimately, it feels like both your needs can’t be accommodated here and you’re absolutely right to put your child first. But you also can’t impose that on her wedding and hen do if she doesn’t want that. She will have to understand the impact on your friendship and your participation in her wedding this will have, and make that trade off - and you will also have a decision to make about how important this friendship will be for you in future.

I agree with this. The baby and wedding thing is just a conflict of interest. Of course you have to put your baby first but in principle she isn’t a dick for putting her wedding first. I’ve seen wedding ceremonies wrecked by young babies. Just decline and to be honest if she is shitty about it, find better friends.

I know people on MN often think it’s a moral failing to want to have a nice wedding day but I totally disagree.

Problem is here she has gone about things rudely and selfishly and expecting her wedding to be your priority even though you’ll be a new mother.

That said OP, and I don’t mean this horribly, the fact you’re “hurt” she doesn’t want your baby at the hen maybe suggests you don’t quite appreciate the difference it can make having a baby along to an adult event? Which isn’t to say that you should leave baby behind to attend social events, but don’t be hurt about her not wanting your baby along - it’s not personal to you or your baby.

I’m sorry about your loss and wish you well with the rest of the pregnancy

A baby at a hen do is an absurd idea.

At the moment you haven't had the baby, so I'd just wait until you do, and see how you feel.

Anything else is just speculation.

I would decline the wedding invitation. Your “friend” sounds like a prat.

She’ll never forgive you, of course, because her wedding is clearly the most important event of the decade, but you’re definitely better off without her.

I know covid and apologies if I am wrong, but this kind of stuff is bound to happen when wedding plans get made so far in advance. I mean you might have been TTC but I bet you weren't expecting when you were invited to be a bridesmaid...and brides cannot expect everybody to freeze their lives to comply with plans made how long?...two years ago?
Its a pity but family members, in this case baby, come before hens and weddings and your friend should accept this with grace and not make stupid suggestions.

I get the feeling your friend isn’t a mother and so can have Absolutly no understanding of the depth of desire to be with and protect your own child.

She won’t get that till her time comes.

Oh come on. Again, people without children aren’t stupid. They don’t exist in a bubble. We are capable of empathising with a situation we’re not in ourselves. New mum doesn’t want to leave baby isn’t exactly a tricky one…

Right now she has no way of comprehending the need to feed and protect your child.
It’s not her fault it’s a fact.

It is absolutely her fault for not listening to the op telling her that it won’t work to leave the baby. Don’t let her off bring inconsiderate because she hasn’t got kids.

Decline all of it. That's it. You can't bring a baby to a hen do. And you can't leave her. Just decline and pull out NOW. If she gets the hump and doesn't forgive you, oh, well, part and parcel with having a child.

One of my bridesmaids had a 3mo EBF baby at my wedding (no other kids invited). I didn’t see that baby at all during the day - he was in another room in the venue throughout the ceremony and reception (being looked after by various members of her family who were also invited) and she went to feed him when necessary. I really don’t think any guest knew he was there - I certainly didn’t. I should say I’d given my friend the option of not being a BM or not attending if that was easier for her but she was determined to and it all worked out brilliantly.

Could that be an option? Maybe see if there’s a room in the venue you can use and get a babysitter (your mum/husband etc) to be there? If she’s not happy with that, I wouldn’t go.

Most of my friends don’t have babies and they wouldn’t be so stupid or cruel as OPs friend- this isn’t a childless thing, it’s a self obsessed bridezilla thing!