I want to help DS, age 18, spot red flags in his GFs, what are they?

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

I feel like it took me a long time to spot red flags in men, and I went through some rubbish relationships as a result. However, I’ve never really seen good advice about how to spot red flags in potential girlfriends.

DS, age 18, is a lovely boy (well I guess I’m biased as his Mum). He’s had three girlfriends already, and of course he’s still very young and has years ahead. But we had a discussion recently as his last girlfriend was very intense, and it affected his friendships and his studies. One day he talked to her for 10 hours online! If he went out with his friends she’d bombard him with FaceTime/Snapchat calls. She needed constant attention and started to demand it so much he was losing friends and getting into trouble at University. She said that he was ‘the one she’d marry’ and then dumped him out of the blue onto the next. He was devastated. I said that she showed a few ‘red flags’ and that it was good to avoid these.

I know teenagers can be intense so it’s a little tricky. Also I know that men are generally less likely to be abused by women in relationships. However DS is quite easily led and doesn’t have natural judgement. For me ‘red flags’ in women are:

• always wanting to know what you are doing, where you are going to an extreme degree
• being extremely needy and child like (it made DS feel great to ‘help’)
• getting very cross if they are not responded to immediately
• ignoring any requests you have such as ‘I can’t talk I need to do an essay’
• having a lot of problems that they tell you about in the first few weeks

Honestly I think it’s best for him to learn for himself. You shouldn’t be so involved in his private life.

Biggest red flag is when they're not content to be on their own. I've got a friend now (much younger) who's girlfriend won't let him go out with his friends. Utter madness.

I do think he needs to trust his gut instinct though and work it out for himself.

They’re red flags in anyone, not just women.

@Toilenstripes

Honestly I think it’s best for him to learn for himself. You shouldn’t be so involved in his private life.

Absolutely this.

What you're doing is a red flag for his potential girlfriends.

Having a parent who’s overly emotionally involved in their child’s relationship is definitely a red flag!

As pp, step away and let him learn for himself.

You learn best from your own mistakes.

Always being open for a chat and advice when he asks is enough to help him when he needs relationship advice.

He's 18! What are you doing? An adult!
Crikey I'd lived abroad and was married by this point and was in the initial stages of a career. I can't imagine my parents being so involved!

Goodness me. Leave him to make his own mistakes.

I don’t think it’s a bad idea. Perhaps be more a sounding board for him to talk about relationships.
19 yo Dd and I talk about relationships quite a lot. I think it’s healthy.

I think this is quite a misogynistic post. You should not be imparting such ideas into the head of an 18 year old boy. Everybody should be aware of the markers of control and abuse in a relationship. Other than that you need to butt out and let him figure out his own relationships.

Well I don't think there's anything wrong with discussing healthy relationships/boundaries etc with your teen children. In fact I would say it's pretty neglectful not to.
But your son is an adult now so yes it's time for him to learn from his own mistakes, doesn't mean you can't give advice when asked.
I was in an unhealthy relationship at that age and my parents took the hands off, don't push her away approach when really I could have done with some sound advice but was too proud/stubborn to ask.

It's a red flag that you're so involved in his love life, tbh.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong.. I would say a red flag would be anything that feels controlling or uncomfortable.

As pp’s have said the things you have listed are negative characteristics regardless of gender. Any notion that women have different or unique characteristics in this respect is misogynistic.

As a parent of a young adult it’s our job to instil positive values (hopefully this has been a work I progress since birth!) which we hope will be applied to their personal relationships outside the immediate family. We need to be there to talk about their concerns and catch them when they make mistakes. I’m not sure it’s our job to point out the myriad traits which might make any particular individual a less than ideal romantic partner. Not least because some things we deem negative (based on our own values which come from a wildly different era) might not for the younger generation. It’s great you are concerned about your child not getting hurt. But kindly, you need to take a step back and bite your tongue unless asked for your input

I wonder how this would read if the OP's daughter were involved with a man like this.

You need to back off. He’s an adult man. Stop interfering in his love life it’s creepy and not ok.

If the op had said she wanted to talk to her dd about potential red flags in male partners, would you all be reacting like this?

I understand where you're coming from op. It's hard to let go and we want to protect them as much as possible, we know these issues, we know the signs, and it's natural to want to pass on this very important information, after all we have the answers and we can actually prevent them from entering an abusive relationship.

My teens are older, I've spoken to them about how to treat a partner, I also included how they should be treated. Tbh they all listened and voiced their opinions. It wasn't as weird as it sounds.

The reason I did this is because of my own teen years. While my parents were strict enough I still had alot of freedom, I thought i knew it all, I ended up engaged and my own home at 18, that relationship turned emotionally abusive, the scars are still with me. I wish my parents had talked to me then rather than when I was much older and had escaped the relationship, voicing how they never trusted him or liked him. OK I probably would not have listened but their words would have been in my head. I would not have thought how I was being treated was normal.

It is good to experience things and learn from them, but sometimes we can get in so deep that we can't see if there is red flags. No harm having a chat and just speaking from your heart.

Just to say thanks for the comments.

This isn’t really me interfering! DS likes and asks my advice on GFs and we just have that kind of relationship where he is pretty open. I’m quite respectful and not ‘nosey’ so I think that’s why he feels comfortable talking to me.

You're absolutely right to do this OP. And you wouldn't be getting these responses if you were talking about your 18 year old daughter.

I have a daughter of 22 and a son of 14 and I've spoken to both of them about what we should expect in a relation and what we do not accept. I currently have lots of age appropriate chats with my youngest as I can already see he's a big softy and could be taken advantage of. So we chat about how we treat girls and how we can expect to be treated in return

So carry on talking to him and let him know he can run stuff past you if he wants to.

I chat to DS about tell his relationship which has just ended. I saw some issues during it, but said nothing. The relationship ended for the reasons I thought it may do. We have talked things through to the extent he is happy to discuss it. I think that’s healthy.

Also, anyone who thinks that kids/adults just ‘pick up’ how to look for red flags is being incredibly naive. And it’s women any advice is aimed at on the whole, so there is a gap where men are just left to it.

Ask yourself, do you think it’s important to be aware of red flags?

If you don’t then fine. If you do, then who do you think is going to talk about red flags with an older teen/young man? Their mates certainly don’t have the experience. School won’t. Social media won’t.

And just laughing at the people who are saying I’m inserting myself unwanted into my sons’s love life! Jesus where in my post is there any evidence of that? So weird. I have a great relationship with DS and sorry if others don’t but that’s your problem.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I wonder how this would read if the OP's daughter were involved with a man like this.

It would be completely different for sure!