I want to help DS, age 18, spot red flags in his GFs, what are they?

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

I feel like it took me a long time to spot red flags in men, and I went through some rubbish relationships as a result. However, I’ve never really seen good advice about how to spot red flags in potential girlfriends.

DS, age 18, is a lovely boy (well I guess I’m biased as his Mum). He’s had three girlfriends already, and of course he’s still very young and has years ahead. But we had a discussion recently as his last girlfriend was very intense, and it affected his friendships and his studies. One day he talked to her for 10 hours online! If he went out with his friends she’d bombard him with FaceTime/Snapchat calls. She needed constant attention and started to demand it so much he was losing friends and getting into trouble at University. She said that he was ‘the one she’d marry’ and then dumped him out of the blue onto the next. He was devastated. I said that she showed a few ‘red flags’ and that it was good to avoid these.

I know teenagers can be intense so it’s a little tricky. Also I know that men are generally less likely to be abused by women in relationships. However DS is quite easily led and doesn’t have natural judgement. For me ‘red flags’ in women are:

• always wanting to know what you are doing, where you are going to an extreme degree
• being extremely needy and child like (it made DS feel great to ‘help’)
• getting very cross if they are not responded to immediately
• ignoring any requests you have such as ‘I can’t talk I need to do an essay’
• having a lot of problems that they tell you about in the first few weeks

@Snoozer11
That’s quite a reach don’t you think?
You know nothing about the op and her son.

That’s quite a crystal ball you’ve got there.

If you think talking to your young adult children or even your older adult children about relationships is weird it says way more about you than it does the op.

It's normal and healthy to talk with him about relationships. E.g. discussing red flags with the last GF with controlling behaviour etc.

But also, if I was his new GF I think I'd disappear if I realised he was discussing potential red flags about me specifically, to his mum. Basically, there's a way to do it. It wouldn't be welcoming if you were picking things out, I suppose.

So it's fine, within reason. Could just look online, there's loads of articles about red flags you could read together. Ultimately, he really just needs to experience it firsthand though.

@Merryoldgoat

Yes, but I didn't learn about them from my dad. I learnt about them from reading magazines, internet forums, talking to my friends and well, experience.

I learned about them from my mum.

It didn’t mean I didn’t make mistakes but those conversations were always there - a foundation upon which to question things.

I mean, my parents talked to me about relationships too.

But they didn't tell me about the potential red flags that my partners had. I'd think they were hugely overstepping if they did.

Frankly, these are red flags in any relationship. I think it's good and healthy to discuss this with your kids, though I'd probably do it a bit earlier than 18.

The only one that feels at all gendered is the second one, though I read that more as a product of toxic gender roles in society rather than some Truth about Women.

Basically, it's about the ability to draw and to respect boundaries.

@Toilenstripes

Honestly I think it’s best for him to learn for himself. You shouldn’t be so involved in his private life.

This a million times. You learn best from mistakes.

@Sportysporty

If you think talking to your young adult children or even your older adult children about relationships is weird it says way more about you than it does the op.

Talking about relationships is one thing, but forensic scrutiny of partners is another. It is a fine line, I absolutely get that.

I don’t know why people are being so negative - you ‘learn best from mistakes’, meaning that if someone was an abusive relationships /someone showing signs of being abusive you’d just let them get on with it until they learn? Good parenting is about discussing behaviour, good or otherwise with your children.

The responses are really weird on here. Are you all not teaching your daughters about healthy relationships either?

If you think kids will just learn, I suspect you're mistaken. Without his mum he will likely learn from his friends and from porn, bad for OP's son and any future girlfriends he has. Or instead he could learn about healthy relationships from someone he clearly trusts (having asked his mums opinion). We all talk to the people we trust about our relationships, this time it just happens to be his mum.

The responses are really weird on here. Are you all not teaching your daughters about healthy relationships either?

Yes, but sitting someone down and saying their partner has x, y and z flaws is a whole different ball game.

Bad behaviour examples :

• Creating drama out of everything / emotional instability
• Lack of appreciation for partner and constant nitpicking/criticism
• Trying to ‘change’ things they don’t like about partner
• Expecting the man to pay for everything
• being clingy, insecure, controlling, unreliable , selfish, manipulative
• Emotional unavailability and lack of empathy
• Having no friends

Also some tend to occur more in women than men ...

Also as he gets older there are other red flags like misaligned life goals etc but it’s a bit too early to worry about that now

@cupsofcoffee but she didn’t say that during the relationship and make them break up, did she?
It was more of a post mortem after the fact. Which is a very good thing.

I’m not sure people always learn from their mistakes. I know many people who have lurched from disastrous relation to disastrous relationship, not realising the pattern or being able to spot what the problems are.

I think it’s a sign of maturity to start learning from your mistakes. Takes a while.

Not sure it’s simply a sign of maturity. Many people don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, often the result of a difficult childhood.

Do not teach 'red flags'. I cannot count the number of people on abuse forums who bang on endlessly baout red flags, then get hoodwinked again. The more honest ones admit they saw the red flags, but chose to axplain them away/ignore them.

Teach him about boundaries and dealbreakers.

If you do not understand them yourself - baggagereclaim.co.uk

My dd is 18 (just finished year 13) and has learned by observing friends relationships, social media (TikTok has quick videos covering this sort of thing) and watching movies/TV. She has picked up ideas like Rachel in Friends should have gone to Paris for her career and not returned for overly jealous Ross who thought she was cheating with Mark.

why do some people think it's better to make mistakes and waste time learning about them vs getting advice and wisdom from another person ?

@TotorosCatBus

My dd is 18 (just finished year 13) and has learned by observing friends relationships, social media (TikTok has quick videos covering this sort of thing) and watching movies/TV. She has picked up ideas like Rachel in Friends should have gone to Paris for her career and not returned for overly jealous Ross who thought she was cheating with Mark.

See I see that method no different than the op giving advice,yet some posters seem to suggest they would rather be waste time and resources attempting to figure out things , it's like why spend the time when it's a lot faster to research and gain advice first ?

Yep people would not be saying keep out if your child was a girl!

I've never seen this much negativity when a women talks about teaching her dd about red flags.

A lot of red flags are the same regardless of sex. I wish I'd spoken more about red flags and boundaries with ds1, rather than concentrating on how he should treat a partner

His first girlfriend displayed every behaviour on @LateAtTate list there.

Well I don't think there's anything wrong with discussing healthy relationships/boundaries etc with your teen children. In fact I would say it's pretty neglectful not to

Agree 100%, would people be saying this if the OP's DC was a teen daughter?
I wish someone had spoken to me about healthy relationships and boundaries when I was a teen, never saw any good examples within my own family and it would have saved me years of heartache.

Good for you OP.

@LateAtTate

Bad behaviour examples :

• Creating drama out of everything / emotional instability
• Lack of appreciation for partner and constant nitpicking/criticism
• Trying to ‘change’ things they don’t like about partner
• Expecting the man to pay for everything
• being clingy, insecure, controlling, unreliable , selfish, manipulative
• Emotional unavailability and lack of empathy
• Having no friends

Also some tend to occur more in women than men ...

Also as he gets older there are other red flags like misaligned life goals etc but it’s a bit too early to worry about that now

Great examples here

The biggest red flag here is you. He is 18, you should not be concerning yourself this much with your son's love life. We all learn by our own mistakes - let him get on with it and work it out by himself

@notangelinajolie

The biggest red flag here is you. He is 18, you should not be concerning yourself this much with your son's love life. We all learn by our own mistakes - let him get on with it and work it out by himself

why ? So it's ok to waste time and heart ache, just to learn tips that could be imparted by a knowledgeable person in those areas ?

By extension of.your logic, why then respond to posters asking for advice on mum's net, ?