I want to help DS, age 18, spot red flags in his GFs, what are they?

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

I feel like it took me a long time to spot red flags in men, and I went through some rubbish relationships as a result. However, I’ve never really seen good advice about how to spot red flags in potential girlfriends.

DS, age 18, is a lovely boy (well I guess I’m biased as his Mum). He’s had three girlfriends already, and of course he’s still very young and has years ahead. But we had a discussion recently as his last girlfriend was very intense, and it affected his friendships and his studies. One day he talked to her for 10 hours online! If he went out with his friends she’d bombard him with FaceTime/Snapchat calls. She needed constant attention and started to demand it so much he was losing friends and getting into trouble at University. She said that he was ‘the one she’d marry’ and then dumped him out of the blue onto the next. He was devastated. I said that she showed a few ‘red flags’ and that it was good to avoid these.

I know teenagers can be intense so it’s a little tricky. Also I know that men are generally less likely to be abused by women in relationships. However DS is quite easily led and doesn’t have natural judgement. For me ‘red flags’ in women are:

• always wanting to know what you are doing, where you are going to an extreme degree
• being extremely needy and child like (it made DS feel great to ‘help’)
• getting very cross if they are not responded to immediately
• ignoring any requests you have such as ‘I can’t talk I need to do an essay’
• having a lot of problems that they tell you about in the first few weeks

At this age, he should learn for himself about how things can be in relationships. It seems from reading on here, that some women,and some men, can be very intense in new relationships when young. I don't suppose it's a fault, it's maybe because lots of people are very insecure, and are easily lead by others.

But you can't really advise an 18 year old person in these matters,, they have to try and work out how to deal with relationships themselves. They have to find out what kind of things make them happy,or those that can bring them down.

Do you also have conversations with your DS about how he should treat his GFs? And what might be red flags from their POV?

A huge one is if your child is unavailable then the gf instead spend times with another boy and posts it all over social media, a look what you made me do but also to make them worry about what they may do with that boy/man.

Any sort of stonewalling or silent treatment, any name calling in arguments.

And yes I think it is good for men to also spot the red flags and drama llamas.

We found that just watching tv shows with the boys meant we could point out behaviour such as Ross in Friends.

spends time.

I think that teaching him this is very important and I will do the same with my sons (as well as being clear about acceptable behaviour TO partners).

Lots of people have shitty role models and put up with shit from their partner. The younger you learn the better.

Ok but what about your weirdly misogynistic post?

Sure talk to your son about healthy relationships, control/ abuse / boundaries etc. (These apply equally to boys and girls, dating both boys and girls). But don’t veer into the territory of imparting your own gendered values/ stereotypes about: 1) how boys and girls behave in relationships and 2) what are the characteristics of the ideal / less than ideal partner on him.

There’s nothing misogynistic about the OP - she has a son who is straight - therefore she’s advising him about women.

Teaching your children from young, actually sticking your beak in a bit and saying when things are dysfunctional might help when the shittier stuff comes up.

The number of posts on here from people putting up with abject shit trapped in awful relationships is proof that people don’t just learn.

I think you can and you should advise them. Whether they listen to you is their choice. You don’t have to make it specific to a particular relationship. If parents don’t advise their children on relationships, how would they learn?

Ask yourself, do you think it’s important to be aware of red flags?

Yes, but I didn't learn about them from my dad. I learnt about them from reading magazines, internet forums, talking to my friends and well, experience.

I wish I'd had a mum like you OP. I sleepwalked into two abusive marriages at a very young age, I had no self esteem, no boundaries and not a clue how I deserved to be treated or how to treat a partner. My parents saw what was happening for years and said nothing.

Absolutely keep talking to your son, he's lucky to have you.

@cupsofcoffee I am really not sure 18 year old boys would access magazine articles for relationship advice.

My son is 17 and I have spoken to him about red flags in relationships amongst other things. I wouldn't just speak to him about contraception etc, I think the emotional side of relationships is just as important to discuss. I don't interfere at all, he can go out with who he wants and I never criticise, but we do talk about stuff! Same as I would with a daughter.

@Bananasinpyjamas21

Also, anyone who thinks that kids/adults just ‘pick up’ how to look for red flags is being incredibly naive. And it’s women any advice is aimed at on the whole, so there is a gap where men are just left to it.

Ask yourself, do you think it’s important to be aware of red flags?

If you don’t then fine. If you do, then who do you think is going to talk about red flags with an older teen/young man? Their mates certainly don’t have the experience. School won’t. Social media won’t.

And just laughing at the people who are saying I’m inserting myself unwanted into my sons’s love life! Jesus where in my post is there any evidence of that? So weird. I have a great relationship with DS and sorry if others don’t but that’s your problem.

Nowhere in your OP did you mention your “great relationship” with your DS. And yes, if you are offering advice you are inserting yourself even if it’s with an invitation.

[quote Jahebejrjr]@cupsofcoffee I am really not sure 18 year old boys would access magazine articles for relationship advice.[/quote]
Maybe not, but it's not like that's the only option. They have access to thousands of websites, they have their friends to talk to etc.

I also think you can explain red flags until you're blue (or red, ha) in the face but most people won't pay the slightest bit of attention.

I would just keep an open channel for him to raise any issues with you. Make sure you spend time together just the two of you.
Not hours, just driving to somewhere, or clearing up after dinner.
I found pressing for info had the opposite effect.

@Bananasinpyjamas21

Also, anyone who thinks that kids/adults just ‘pick up’ how to look for red flags is being incredibly naive. And it’s women any advice is aimed at on the whole, so there is a gap where men are just left to it.

Ask yourself, do you think it’s important to be aware of red flags?

If you don’t then fine. If you do, then who do you think is going to talk about red flags with an older teen/young man? Their mates certainly don’t have the experience. School won’t. Social media won’t.

And just laughing at the people who are saying I’m inserting myself unwanted into my sons’s love life! Jesus where in my post is there any evidence of that? So weird. I have a great relationship with DS and sorry if others don’t but that’s your problem.

Just because something is a red flag to you doesn't mean it will be for someone else.

Similarly there are plenty of psychos around who don't have any obvious red flags, and there are plenty of "red flags" that a group of strangers on the internet might not add to this list and so he'll ignore that.

He's an adult and can think for himself. Despite what you think, you are interfering and I imagine this interference with his personal life will only escalate in the future and that's not healthy for either of you.

Plenty of people have had relationships all the time. It's a part of life. It's for him to decide who he wants to be with and what he's prepared to put up with on balance.

Advice I've seen for women is to say no to something trivial early on to see how the man reacts to it. I wish I'd had that advice in my teens and will tell my daughter that.

I think you wait until 'red flags' arise in a relationship and talk through the specifics in context, at the time, as you have done. Or if he mentions friends whose boyfriends/girlfriends are demonstrating behaviour that could be a red flag, have a general discussion about that type of behaviour. Sometimes things might come up in films or TV dramas if you ever watch things together.

Yes, but I didn't learn about them from my dad. I learnt about them from reading magazines, internet forums, talking to my friends and well, experience.

I learned about them from my mum.

It didn’t mean I didn’t make mistakes but those conversations were always there - a foundation upon which to question things.

I think you’re doing a good thing personally.
We hear lots about teaching girls and women about red flags, quite rightly, I don’t see why we can’t reach our sons the same.
Being controlling over friends and time apart.
Not having any thing in common.
Expecting to be paid for on every occasion.
Not having dramatic relationships with her family and friends.

I think it is good to discuss respectful boundaries and red flags whether you have a son or a daughter. My DC haven't got BF or GF yet that I know of but I do intend to chat with them about being wary of people who try to drive a wedge between them and their friends or siblings, or who are very controlling and insist on being with them all the time. There was a very sad thread on here recently about a 16 year old who had got himself involved with a very controlling girlfriend and lots of posters said they had male relatives who had been in similar relationships.

Ugh. Hugely misogynistic post.

My Ds1 had an intense gf with anxiety issues and it made him miserable. they split up, then as soon as she caught wind of him having another gf she wanted them to get back together. He left the other gf to get back with her and things were ok for a while. He was away at Uni and she deliberately picked a Uni very close to his so they could see each other frequently. Within the first week of going to Uni she got him travelling to see her at her halls, only for him to find out she had cheated on him in freshers week ! He was devastated but learned his lesson. This was a couple of years ago and he hasn't had a relationship since, I reckon she has probably put him off for life.
I do worry a little about my 18 year old Ds's relationship too. He is very placid, easy going and always done exactly as asked. His gf pursued him , did all the chasing, seems to call all the shots. We have not really met her properly despite them seeing each other for eighteen months, we invite her over but can never pin her down to a day, yet he goes to her house all the time and can stay for 2-3 days. I do feel like she calls all the shots. Ds2 has the right idea - usually a friend with benefits and no strings attached !

I was surprised to see the negativity to the OP. Surely this is something you could discuss with your child whether they were male or female?

@Merryoldgoat

There’s nothing misogynistic about the OP - she has a son who is straight - therefore she’s advising him about women.

Teaching your children from young, actually sticking your beak in a bit and saying when things are dysfunctional might help when the shittier stuff comes up.

The number of posts on here from people putting up with abject shit trapped in awful relationships is proof that people don’t just learn.

But she said she knows the red flags in bfs and she is now listing her perceptions of “red flags” in girlfriends..