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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband got back at half 5 this morning

941 replies

bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 07:39

hello,

based on some of the threads on here, I'm assuming I'm going to get a lot of kill joy comments and the fact it's the euros too but I am annoyed.

my partner said he was going for a "couple" last night. I am 4 months pregnant and we have a one year old. I went to bed at about 10 and heard him come in. when I looked at the time, expecting it to be about half 11 as the pubs round here are still shutting earlier than usual it was half 5!

what has pissed me off about this is, one year old has woken up at 7, we went down about half 7 and of course, he is totally dead to the world. he has slept in our spare room downstairs which is something I suppose.

he was meant to be looking after the one year old for me whilst I go out for lunch today but he isnt responding to me at all. or the one year old.

he was out all day for the game last sunday too, was out pretty much the whole of the bank holiday and last Saturday too.

I'm getting fed up now, I'm not going to be able to leave the one year old with him, it is like he is unconscious and I'm meant to be going at 11.

not cool - pre kids, it wouldnt of been an issue but think he needs to grow up a bit. not against having a bit of fun but rocking in at that time when you are supposed to be looking after your child the next day is taking the piss.

has ruined my day too now and he will inevitably be feeling very sorry for himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 09:05

A lot of people are coming at it from the idea that I do this too or he would make a pass for me but it's not the case. I have and would never do it to him - so it's a bit upsetting to basically be told I should bend over backwards for him even more, that I'm a Martyr for not wanting to leave my child with someone who probably will be in no fit state and I will worry about anyway, that I am controlling and whatever other nonsense I have read on here.

like i said thanks for the sensible comments.

OP posts:
DGFB · 19/06/2021 09:05

Just get him up at 10, and go on your way at 11. Not sure I could get so worked up about this. Of course you can leave a 1yo with their slightly hungover dad. We’ve all done it no?

LittleLottieChaos · 19/06/2021 09:05

Ignore the ‘but it’s the Euros’/‘we all get really drunk sometimes’ defence idiots. Just because a lot of women have worryingly low expectations of their partners contributions and accept repetitive drunk behaviours doesn’t mean you have to.

He needs to apologise and stop repeating the same sadsack behaviour. Especially as you’ve another on the way.

notacooldad · 19/06/2021 09:06

*no matter how much some of you try to get me to bite!)
What on earth are you talking about? People trying to make you bite?
You mean people offering their opinion and perspective as you do in a discussion?
People may not agree wuth each other but its worth listening to opposing opinions and think about them even if you ultimately disagree ( not only in this situation )

As for the ' thanks for the sensible replies' you mean thanks to people who agree with you!!
Everyone has taken time to offer thoughts and views but you only thanks the ones you like or want to agree with.
Now that is ridiculous !!!

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 19/06/2021 09:06

@bubblegum02 I’m with you lass, selfish shite and clearly it’s part of a bigger pattern.

If he’s not fit to look after the 1 year old, would his parents do it? Might hit home more than your mum coming to the rescue

nobrainnostyle · 19/06/2021 09:07

@bubblegum02

and honestly, it's just not cool to say you are going out for a couple at your local, home by 11ish and then rock up at half 5 in an absolute state. the bloke is 30 years old and a father, its inconsiderate and very selfish.
Was he taking coke too?
CirqueDeMorgue · 19/06/2021 09:07

OP, you're right to be pissed off and I say that as someone who has ruined other people's plans by getting wasted before. It's not cool. I hope your mum is able to look after your 1yo because despite what everyone is saying, no one should be leaving their children with someone who is probably still drunk.

Nononsense2 · 19/06/2021 09:07

I would call his mum and ask her to come mind 2 children (her ds and grandchild) as I had plans that dh was aware of but decided to get pissed anyway.

Original poster
bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 09:08

Its ridiculous to me because no matter how much people want to say otherwise, if I started this thread the other way round:

Stayed out until half 5 this morning, was meant to be looking after the baby for dh today to go out for lunch but I'll probably still be drunk/hungover/no fit state but nevermind rock on! great night! dont understand why dh is annoyed really. oh can I add I have been out every weekend for the last month too. AIBU"

just come on. imagine.

OP posts:
BeastforLease · 19/06/2021 09:08

bubblegum02 ignore the cool girl posters - some people just like to try hard to be in with the crowd.

I will say though that I suspect his horrendous bad mood hangovers are more likely due to cocaine come downs rather than alcohol.

Hopefully your mother can step in, he pays her and you have a lovely lunch and lie in tomorrow.

What a knob.

BaronessOfTheNorth · 19/06/2021 09:09

@DGFB

Just get him up at 10, and go on your way at 11. Not sure I could get so worked up about this. Of course you can leave a 1yo with their slightly hungover dad. We’ve all done it no?
He's not "slightly hungover" though is he? Presuming he went out for the England game, he was drinking for at least 9 hours. He is still drunk, not hungover. I doubt he was at his friends house until 5.30am drinking fresh orange juice and eating croissants...

Also he has form for this if you read the OPs comments. He spends his whole day after a hangover asleep or grumpy.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 19/06/2021 09:09

@bubblegum02

A lot of people are coming at it from the idea that I do this too or he would make a pass for me but it's not the case. I have and would never do it to him - so it's a bit upsetting to basically be told I should bend over backwards for him even more, that I'm a Martyr for not wanting to leave my child with someone who probably will be in no fit state and I will worry about anyway, that I am controlling and whatever other nonsense I have read on here.

like i said thanks for the sensible comments.

Do you mean 'thanks for the comments I like'? Do you understand how Mumsnet works?

Honestly, you sound like hard work.
I'd be interested to hear your dhs view on your relationship!

Veggiepotamus · 19/06/2021 09:09

Wake him up at half nine or ten and get him in the shower and a coffee. You should absolutely still go out. Let him deal with his mistake!

Sometimesfraught82 · 19/06/2021 09:10

Who you having lunch with?

For their sake if not your own, get yourself out of this mood. You are furious and now angry at posters on this thread.
And it’s barely 9am!

30mph · 19/06/2021 09:10

I'd be inclined to the short sharp shock reaction, pack a bag and go away for a couple of days. Give yourself a chance to think carefully about how you want this relationship to be, consider what your hopes are, what your line in the sand actually is. And, give him a chance to either come good and be a decent husband and father, and consider what his priorities in life really are.

nobrainnostyle · 19/06/2021 09:10

@Sometimesfraught82

Who you having lunch with?

For their sake if not your own, get yourself out of this mood. You are furious and now angry at posters on this thread.
And it’s barely 9am!

With good reason.

Sorry, cool wife

Emmacb82 · 19/06/2021 09:10

I’m totally with you op, I’m not quite sure why you are getting so much grief on here. He’s an inconsiderate husband end of. I don’t think it’s acceptable to stay out till half 5 in the morning, and it’s a bit worrying that you say you don’t think he does cocaine - don’t think?!
I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to leave your 1 year old with him in this state, there’s no way I would either, but my husband would never ever do this to me, he wouldn’t have gone out the night before having to have sole responsibility for the children.
You need to have a serious conversation with him about where you go from here. I hope your mum can look after the baby so you can still enjoy your lunch.

rainbowstardrops · 19/06/2021 09:10

I'd be bloody fuming too OP and I'd be waking him up right now and asking him where he was until 5.30am!!!!
All these comments of 'Oh wake him up at 10.30 with a coffee' errrr no!!!!! Get him up and get him to explain himself!

CandyLeBonBon · 19/06/2021 09:11

Well why on earth are you with him then? Did you not consider this before starting a family?
You've got bigger problems than missing your lunch date!

Oh look. Let's make women jump through hoops trying to see into the future and then blame her for not being able to predict accurately that her partner might be an inconsiderate twat years into a marriage once kids come along.

It takes a lot of mental gymnastics to make this the op's fault but @Littlefluffyclouds13 has done just that. Congratulations!

Op's husband is a selfish dick in this matter, even if he's great elsewhere, this behaviour is immature and destructive. That's not the OP's fault and to suggest otherwise is really offensive. He CHOSE to do this and I'd be equally pissed off. Just as I imagine op's husband would be if it was reversed and a regular occurrence.

Confused
RedElephants · 19/06/2021 09:13

It takes approximately 1 hour for the body to process a unit of alcohol.

Surely if he's been drinking to the early hours, it's unlikely he won't be alert enough, even after a few hours sleep, to safeguard your child?

ChubbyLittleManInACampervan · 19/06/2021 09:13

You are not unreasonable

He is selfish

In your shoes I’d not have worried though until 10, then wake him with a tea, a paracetamol if you feel kind, and opening curtains and letting one year old in

Then go out

DH still remembers me doing this to him, and the toddler sitting on his chest bouncing up and down saying daddy! Daddy! Whilst he was hangover. He always accepted it and looked after the toddler, even when hungover.

Hope it works out

Pleaseuseatissue · 19/06/2021 09:13

This is my very first LTB. He’s a selfish arse OP and you have my sympathy as he will never accept any criticism of his behaviour.

No excuses about letting hair down before DC2 arrives either. As for the other posters saying we’ve all been locked up blah blah blah, so what? Isn’t a free pass to behave like this. What is it with some men and getting blind drunk at any given opportunity when they have family at home. It’s pathetic behaviour at best.

Original poster
bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 09:13

@Emmacb82

I’m totally with you op, I’m not quite sure why you are getting so much grief on here. He’s an inconsiderate husband end of. I don’t think it’s acceptable to stay out till half 5 in the morning, and it’s a bit worrying that you say you don’t think he does cocaine - don’t think?! I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to leave your 1 year old with him in this state, there’s no way I would either, but my husband would never ever do this to me, he wouldn’t have gone out the night before having to have sole responsibility for the children. You need to have a serious conversation with him about where you go from here. I hope your mum can look after the baby so you can still enjoy your lunch.
I'm getting grief because I stupidly showed I was alresdy annoyed and people are goady on here. there is one poster I've not reposed to at all yet has posted for I think the 4th time just in the last 2 pages.

thank you, my mum has said she will look after her x

OP posts:
agododopushpineapple · 19/06/2021 09:13

The two things can co-exist. You can be right to be pissed off, but also acting the martyr at the same time.

Go out, enjoy your day. The whole “he’s in no fit state thing” is bollocks. There are plenty of people who have to look after children with a hangover or dare I say, when they’ve had a lot to drink.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 19/06/2021 09:13

YANBU OP. I would be fucki g raging! Also, no, you can't leave a one year old with an adult that's in that state. If he can't even open his eyes to say hello or turn his alarm off, I hardly think he's going to be a responsible parent by 11am. I dont do well with hangovers. It takes me all day to recover. No way would I be able to look after a one year old at that time after a night of drinking. Also not fair on the child.
I would go through him like a dose of salts when he's up, and I would be making as much noise as possible to really piss him off.
Once every now and then, fine. Every weekend for a month, fuck that!