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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband got back at half 5 this morning

941 replies

bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 07:39

hello,

based on some of the threads on here, I'm assuming I'm going to get a lot of kill joy comments and the fact it's the euros too but I am annoyed.

my partner said he was going for a "couple" last night. I am 4 months pregnant and we have a one year old. I went to bed at about 10 and heard him come in. when I looked at the time, expecting it to be about half 11 as the pubs round here are still shutting earlier than usual it was half 5!

what has pissed me off about this is, one year old has woken up at 7, we went down about half 7 and of course, he is totally dead to the world. he has slept in our spare room downstairs which is something I suppose.

he was meant to be looking after the one year old for me whilst I go out for lunch today but he isnt responding to me at all. or the one year old.

he was out all day for the game last sunday too, was out pretty much the whole of the bank holiday and last Saturday too.

I'm getting fed up now, I'm not going to be able to leave the one year old with him, it is like he is unconscious and I'm meant to be going at 11.

not cool - pre kids, it wouldnt of been an issue but think he needs to grow up a bit. not against having a bit of fun but rocking in at that time when you are supposed to be looking after your child the next day is taking the piss.

has ruined my day too now and he will inevitably be feeling very sorry for himself.

OP posts:
LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 20/06/2021 09:44

@Persipan

I've never understood what Americans mean when they say 'a quarter of five'. Is that quarter to, or quarter past?
Quarter to. A quarter (short) of five. 'Quarter after' is quarter past.
NeedNewKnees · 20/06/2021 09:51

How did your conversation with him go,
OP?

NotTheCatsWhiskers · 20/06/2021 09:52

This thread is getting strangely derailed with telling the time…. Grin

CaptainBarbossa · 20/06/2021 10:08

He sounds like he had a drinking problem to me. Saying he'll be out nearly 6 hours less, so drunk you can't wake him the next day. Changing plans, not prioritising his family. Not just as a one off, but on a regular basis. I would not be raising kids around this behaviour, I would tell him he needs to get help or he needs to leave.

invisiblegirllj · 20/06/2021 10:10

Anyone else convinced the OP has even said a word to her husband?

Original poster
bubblegum02 · 20/06/2021 10:13

@invisiblegirllj

Anyone else convinced the OP has even said a word to her husband?
what do you mean by that? you realise that real people are actually behind these threads and not just here for your entertainment right?
OP posts:
rockingchairhero · 20/06/2021 10:14

I'm with you 100%

Anyone who is defending your husband needs to have their heads checked. So bizarre Confused he is a full grown adult who had prior commitments for the next day.

If there were no plans at all for the following day, then it's a judgement call at the moment of "do I stay for a few more pints or do I call it a day now". But the fact he had commitments is absolutely awful by him. What a selfish arse.

I'm glad you didn't martyr yourself. But I agree that you needed alternative childcare. Your partner clearly wasn't suitable. What an arse..

CandyLeBonBon · 20/06/2021 10:26

How are things this morning @bubblegum02 ?

BumCat · 20/06/2021 10:29

I would be livid! It’s really bloody selfish of him. It’s not a one off, so not really sure why some are defending it, and even if it was, he decided to do it on a day when it had been arranged he would be looking after his child. Not on. Selfish and irresponsible.

Original poster
bubblegum02 · 20/06/2021 10:52

a little bit quiet. we have had a chat about expectations and that we are not the free irresponsible people we were a few years ago.

I also told him what it was like my real dad who was awful and how that affected me and my brother. I tried to make him understand that it isnt just me who will be affected by selfish behaviour or seeing your dad in that kind of state. at one, she obviously doesnt really understand what shes seeing but when they're older they will understand seeing dad in a state to the point he cant be woken up.

hoping seeing it from atleast what the kids perspective of him could be gets the message through more than it would just from me "nagging" at him.

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 20/06/2021 11:02

Start as you mean to go on, from now on - equal leisure time/hobby time/whatever you want to call it. Absolutely no expectation that you will be default parent and he gets to swan in and out as suits him because you’ll pick up the slack. Plenty of times built into his/your routine where he looks after his own child(ren) on his own, as any capable, loving father would.

sillysmiles · 20/06/2021 11:08

@bubblegum02 I started off reading the thread thinking it's only 7.30, call him at 10 and it will be fine. But the fact that he wouldn't wake up completely changes the perspective.

I think you are conpleted entitled to talk to him to about the lack of respect for you and your plans and you having to rearrange child care because he was in a state.

I wouldn't have a problem with him being out but the responsibilities of the morning are still there and he needs accept that he has to deal with them.

Glad you had a lovely day yesterday and hopefully your DH starts getting his shit together. But I would think about what you are prepared to do the next time it happens.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/06/2021 11:21

@bubblegum02

a little bit quiet. we have had a chat about expectations and that we are not the free irresponsible people we were a few years ago.

I also told him what it was like my real dad who was awful and how that affected me and my brother. I tried to make him understand that it isnt just me who will be affected by selfish behaviour or seeing your dad in that kind of state. at one, she obviously doesnt really understand what shes seeing but when they're older they will understand seeing dad in a state to the point he cant be woken up.

hoping seeing it from atleast what the kids perspective of him could be gets the message through more than it would just from me "nagging" at him.

How did he react to the chat?
osbertthesyrianhamster · 20/06/2021 11:26

Sadly I think you've found yourself a problem drinker (and I don't believe for a minute he's not using coke).

CandyLeBonBon · 20/06/2021 11:28

@bubblegum02

a little bit quiet. we have had a chat about expectations and that we are not the free irresponsible people we were a few years ago.

I also told him what it was like my real dad who was awful and how that affected me and my brother. I tried to make him understand that it isnt just me who will be affected by selfish behaviour or seeing your dad in that kind of state. at one, she obviously doesnt really understand what shes seeing but when they're older they will understand seeing dad in a state to the point he cant be woken up.

hoping seeing it from atleast what the kids perspective of him could be gets the message through more than it would just from me "nagging" at him.

Did he express any kind of remorse? I'm sad tjat you feel you have to phrases it in a way that makes you feel you don't sound like you're nagging.

I get the feeling this will not improve long term. Thanks

ContinuousMonotoneBeep · 20/06/2021 11:37

@bubblegum02

a little bit quiet. we have had a chat about expectations and that we are not the free irresponsible people we were a few years ago.

I also told him what it was like my real dad who was awful and how that affected me and my brother. I tried to make him understand that it isnt just me who will be affected by selfish behaviour or seeing your dad in that kind of state. at one, she obviously doesnt really understand what shes seeing but when they're older they will understand seeing dad in a state to the point he cant be woken up.

hoping seeing it from atleast what the kids perspective of him could be gets the message through more than it would just from me "nagging" at him.

You can take it from me that the children will notice and they will remember. Mine certainly did and comment to him that he was absent for a lot of things from their childhood.

He stopped drinking years ago and they also note that changed things. He's got a drink problem and the only thing that changed was I stopped the 'one more" chances.

You seem to have your head screwed on and I hope you'll get yourself out this situation early in your children's lives. (By which I mean he sorts himself out or you free yourself of him)

Jigglywobbly · 20/06/2021 11:38

I think it’s fine to be angry and to say it’s not acceptable and it’s not to happen again. I hope your softly softly approach works but ... let’s see I guess

Original poster
bubblegum02 · 20/06/2021 11:53

@Jigglywobbly

I think it’s fine to be angry and to say it’s not acceptable and it’s not to happen again. I hope your softly softly approach works but ... let’s see I guess
I don't see it as a softly softly approach at all.

me and my brother had a horrible childhood because of our father and it started with him drinking and not being around. I havent gone into detail with my husband before about it because frankly it doesnt make me feel good or happy remembering it. I told him a lot this morning and he knows because of what we experienced exactly why I would be the last person to allow this to be a consistent thing, if not for myself, for our children.

the only other thing is to immediately leave - im presuming that's what you are thinking as opposed to my way? dont forget I am pregnant and have a one year old. I am prepared to give him a chance. this is my real life and I'm not going to make rash decisions without giving him a chance to reassess what is important to him. obviously, if nothing changes, leaving is the next and last step. but it's the last step - not the first.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 20/06/2021 11:54

I sincerely hope it works out, OP. Best wishes for you and your babies

CamomileCream · 20/06/2021 12:01

OP the bottom line in my mind is he's been out every weekend for a month, culminating in being too drunk/hungover to look after your DC.

Do not let him make the narrative 'I can't go out and have fun due to Bubble's childhood, it's all Bubble's fault'

Veterinari · 20/06/2021 12:03

Thanks OP
I hope he was remorseful and apologetic?
Did he seem to 'get' it?

AffableApple · 20/06/2021 12:06

@bubblegum02

he is going to be in an absolute vile mood. he cant cope with hangovers.
But you'll be out? Right?
Original poster
bubblegum02 · 20/06/2021 12:07

@CamomileCream

OP the bottom line in my mind is he's been out every weekend for a month, culminating in being too drunk/hungover to look after your DC.

Do not let him make the narrative 'I can't go out and have fun due to Bubble's childhood, it's all Bubble's fault'

I dont want to go int0o too much detail but I dont think he would be so twiated based on what I told him.
OP posts:
Original poster
bubblegum02 · 20/06/2021 12:08

@AffableApple this was yesterday.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 20/06/2021 12:09

Wishing you the very best OP.

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