17 year old SD not bought anything for FD. Asking me 2 days before!

[Frankola]

My 17 year old SD has just text me to ask me to buy something for her to give her Dad on Fathers Day.

1 - she's 17
2 - she gets £40 a month pocket money from us and an undisclosed amount from her mother
3 - she has a job working 4 shifts a week at a fast food chain, equalling about 20 hours a week
4 - it's 2 days before Fathers Day!

AIBU to tell her to fuck off?!

@Frankola she's 17 yo and quite honestly at that age, the world revolves around her and you're there for her convenience

I wouldn't ignore her request but I would say to her, it's good you've remembered it's FD SD, but it's best if you get him something even if it's a card and a box of chocolates. It wouldn't be the same if I did it. You need to take ownership of this one I'm afraid.

Be the bigger person but make sure she knows why you're saying no, it's because it's the right thing for her to make the effort and you won't be put upon at the last minute.

Tell her he isn't your father. If she wants to do something for her father on father's day, she can do so herself, she isn't 5 anymore.

Ignore @bearofeasttown I've just read the thread and they are the one that looks silly
I'd just grab her a bottle of wine to give to him after you've let her out from under the cellar obvs

Oh goodness, so sorry! No idea how I added that here instead of making a new thread! As you were!

My previous post was directed at @chesirecat99 who seems to think you should help your near adult SD, and who doesn't appear to have grasped the fact that your SD didn't merely ask for suggestions, but asked you to get the gift.

No @Notaroadrunner I am perfectly aware that the DSD asked OP to buy the present. My advice was to help her with suggestions/advice, pushing the responsibility back on the DSD, rather than just buying it and doing everything for her

iow - treat her like an adult, she isn't a baby any more, show her how it feels to own her own shit.

@Mylifebelike67

I would reply and say I’m sure your dad would appreciate x from you.

^ this

17 is the perfect age to take responsibility for yourself.

If she comes back and asks you to buy it, then say you don't have time.

Is this normal? It's very lazy of her to ask you.

Say no OP. Nicely, because you have an ongoing relationship to maintain, but still no. You could point out it would be missing the point if it comes from you perhaps.

If she is truly so self centred she cant find 10 min to buy a card then let her own it to her dad. I disagree that teenagers are naturally this selfish though, or its understandable if they are. Lots of teens are great.

@StockingShocking

Oh goodness, so sorry! No idea how I added that here instead of making a new thread! As you were!

Hmmmm....about 30?

No. Needs to do it herself

2 days is plenty time to get to the shops and buy something, and 17 is plenty old enough to do her own shopping. Especially seeing as she's actually earning. DS is 17 and his dad's gift which he ordered online arrived today. He's been doing his own shopping since he started his part time job. I bet she'd be well able to buy herself something if she wanted it!

She absolutely has to do it her self and if she doesn’t, she doesn’t and your oh will know the score and perhaps stop indulging her and this ex of his.

“Pop into the card shop next to work and that’ll be fine!”

Then leave her to it.

Honestly

This post has reminded me to call my OH's son to ask him to send his dad a card. So thanks for that!

And yes - I would tell him to fuck off if he asked me to sort it for him. Although he is 26.

I managed to sort presents or cards for my mum and dad from at least the age of 7. They had to take me to the shops but still.

Not sure how difficult it is when you're 17, earning money and have ready access to shops...

If she could manage at 14, 15 and 16 it’s ridiculous she suddenly can’t at 17.

Don’t buy it for her, what if she doesn’t pay you back? It’s father’s day and she can either be arsed to choose and pay for something to celebrate her father or she can’t.

You’ll feel like a right mug on the day when she hands over something you’d chosen and paid for and possibly wrapped given how crap she’s being and DH is chuffed to bits thinking she made an effort.

I wouldn’t do this at 17 for my own daughter. She’s two and has drawn her dad a card and my preteen steps are sorting their own cards.

Don’t be a doormat. You’ve had plenty of suggestions for saying no, she needs to get on with it (or not) off her own back, without being confrontational.

What’s she going to do, tell her dad she didn’t get round to it and you refused to do it for her? That would show her up, not you.

Still PMSL laughing at you not getting a mother of the year award - what with you not actually being her mother…

It isn't clear from your question why your stepdaughter has asked you to buy something on her behalf. Did she say? If not, can't you text back and ask her? Something like, "If you need me to pick something up for you then of course I will, but there's still two days until Father's Day. Is there a reason why you can't do it?"

Everyone saying that she can get herself to a shop and do it herself. Can she? Not all kids that age have the means to get themselves to a shop. I know that where I live the nearest shops are at least 3 miles away with no public transportation. Until they can drive and have access to a car kids are reliant on their parents to get them places.

Or is it that she knows she won't see her dad until after Father's Day? If so, you could reassure her that she can give him her card/gift when she next sees him even if it isn't on the day.

I do think you need to establish whether there's a genuine reason why she wants you to help before you decide on your course of action.

I'd not offer to buy anything even if she was to pay you back. It's about growing up and not expecting you to do things for her. How about replying:

"Your Dad will be more than happy with a card from you with a nice personal message inside so don't feel you have to buy anything expensive if you can't afford it. If you want to get him something little he loves (insert something cheap e.g chocolate bars he'd like), which you could get at the supermarket / shop"

Obviously this is probably not about her not be able to afford something, but that message places the responsibility straight back on her.

I had no idea it was Father’s Day coming up and I’m an adult.

[quote BearOfEasttown]@Frankola

BearOfEasttown Would you like to apologise now for saying that I'm "hardly giving a mother of the year vibe" "Or are you going to slope off with egg on your face..."

Nope. Not a chance. Not a thing you have written on this thread has made me think any differently to how I felt before or after I submitted my post.

And I think the only one with 'egg on their face' is YOU dear.

I'd ask for this thread to be deleted if I were you. You've really embarrassed yourself, and put yourself in a very bad light. Posting this and then trying to backpedal and say you obviously didn't mean it and OBVIOUSLY wouldn't tell your SD to fuck off is just cringeworthy. You SO meant it!

And it's very typical behaviour for someone who has been called out on not-very-nice behaviour, to then spout nonsense like people 'don't have a sense of humour' and they are 'so naive if they thought you I was serious.' It's a bit pathetic to be honest.

I think YOU should 'slope off now!' [/quote]
My mouth is still hanging open at this

If she could manage at 14, 15 and 16 it’s ridiculous she suddenly can’t at 17.

Or suggests something has thrown her off and rather than just be as blunt as many are suggesting it might be an idea for the OP to check in with her SD

@chesirecat99

Really? You wouldn't help out a 17 year old? I wouldn't be that impressed if I were your DP. I can understand not doing everything for them or paying for it but there is no need to flat out refuse to help. It sounds like you don't like her very much.

If it were my DC, my response would be:

1. Put a recurring reminder on your phone. Father's Day is the 3rd Sunday in June so set a reminder on June 14.

1. Send them to Moonpig or somewhere to send an e-card, if they can't buy one and drop it off.

1. Suggest some things he would like they could buy on Amazon or anywhere that offers next day delivery or something that they could buy locally and bring in person.

Advice and kindness are free...

She's 17, not 7. No, she should not help a basically grown woman buy a card and whatever else for her own dad. Fuck me.

Everyone saying that she can get herself to a shop and do it herself. Can she?

As she works in a shopping centre, in a place next a card shop, yes!

@Teeshirt

I had no idea it was Father’s Day coming up and I’m an adult.

That’s on you.

OP can you walk us through why you’re going to buy the present for her when she’ll be working in a shopping centre all day tomorrow?

@JustLyra

If she could manage at 14, 15 and 16 it’s ridiculous she suddenly can’t at 17.

Or suggests something has thrown her off and rather than just be as blunt as many are suggesting it might be an idea for the OP to check in with her SD

What? Something that prevents her nipping into the card shop next to her work before, after or during a lunch break? What do you think it might be?

@Teeshirt

I had no idea it was Father’s Day coming up and I’m an adult.

Well you’ve done amazingly well at never ending up on a mailing list when you buy something online. My inbox is full of random companies trying to rebadge their products as Father’s Day gifts. “Garden furniture Dad will love!” etc.