17 year old SD not bought anything for FD. Asking me 2 days before!

[Frankola]

My 17 year old SD has just text me to ask me to buy something for her to give her Dad on Fathers Day.

1 - she's 17
2 - she gets £40 a month pocket money from us and an undisclosed amount from her mother
3 - she has a job working 4 shifts a week at a fast food chain, equalling about 20 hours a week
4 - it's 2 days before Fathers Day!

AIBU to tell her to fuck off?!

@Hax

Well you obviously don't want to help her out. I would. MN at it's finest here. A 17 year old who is also a step child.

Yeah and I bet OP doesn't wipe her arse for her either.

Advice and kindness are free...

So is being a mug

Jeez it’s no wonder kids don’t grow up properly anymore. They have parents babying them at 17 years old!

It’s all over social media that Father’s Day is approaching. It’s all in the supermarkets. She just doesn’t want to spend her money or make an effort

@chesirecat99 all of that helps them sort out something this year. But it doesn’t really help them grow as a person.

Apart from the helpful tip for next year, that’s babying a near adult to the point where I think it’s actually un helpful.

It’s not about being unkind. At best, by doing that you’re not helping them to develop their own kindness and responsibility - and at worst, you’re validating their experience that you can get out of doing things by being an entitled, demanding little shit!

Advice and kindness are free...

I told her to say no, but also tell sd to just go out and buy a card if she doesn’t have the money for a present. He doesn’t need a present does he?
I’m sure she can find time tomorrow to buy her father a card.

You can be kind and still say no. Although I still think the op is justified in inwardly thinking “Fuck off”.

@chesirecat99

Really? You wouldn't help out a 17 year old? I wouldn't be that impressed if I were your DP. I can understand not doing everything for them or paying for it but there is no need to flat out refuse to help. It sounds like you don't like her very much.

If it were my DC, my response would be:

1. Put a recurring reminder on your phone. Father's Day is the 3rd Sunday in June so set a reminder on June 14.

1. Send them to Moonpig or somewhere to send an e-card, if they can't buy one and drop it off.

1. Suggest some things he would like they could buy on Amazon or anywhere that offers next day delivery or something that they could buy locally and bring in person.

Advice and kindness are free...

She's not asking for suggestions. She's asked op to buy a gift from her. You'd do it for your dc, this isn't op's dc. The fact she is old enough and earns her own money are enough reasons to tell her to sort it herself. And if my dp expected me to buy gifts for him from his kids, I wouldn't be impressed.

Yeah I’d take it as she’s looking for suggestions and send some links

I no also think @chesirecat99 that your approach is actually unkind to the father.

If I was pleased because my child had made the effort, and then found out that they’d made zero effort, I think I’d actually be a bit irritated at having been duped.

There’s a difference between, “the just don’t know what to get him! Have you got any ideas?” and “can you sort it for me?”

And if she doesn’t have a spare £1 or two then maybe she needs to manage her money better instead expecting her stepmum to bail her out. Her own mum is clearly not even willing to help.

@Hax 😂😂😂😂😂
Get a grip, she’s 17 for Christ’s sake not 7!
My own mum would have told me to sod off at that age if I’d left it so late after having the money and being reminded

Jeez it’s no wonder kids don’t grow up properly anymore. They have parents babying them at 17 years old!

Babying them would be buying the gift, reminding them before they forgot. She's fucked up this time. Five minutes to make suggestions costs nothing. If she forgets his birthday or next FD, OP can remind her that she managed to sort it this time.

I think some people on MN seem to think you should withdraw all help the day a DC turns 16. Sometimes teenagers need reminding they can do things for themselves or pushing towards the solution.

Can I please just clarify I wouldnt literally tell SD to f$#ck off

I'd be much kinder than that. Whilst muttering to myself under my breath.

My gripe here is that as many have pointed out, she is both earning her own money and also getting pocket money from both us and her mum.

She has plenty of disposable income and at 17 years old she should be organised enough to know it's Fathers Day coming up. Shops have been displaying this stuff for weeks now. The place she works is in a shopping centre next to a card shop!

It feels a bit like an "I can't be arsed to sort it, can you do it for me" when it's 2 days before. If she didn't have the money she surely would have come to me in advance?

No, I definitely don't wipe her arse for her either, although maybe I should ask if I should start?

@funinthesun19 no her mum has always been very clear that she won't ever help her with birthdays, Xmas or FD for him.

We used to get her MD gifts for SD to give to her but gave up after about 5 years of not even an acknowledgement of it.

@Frankola

YABU. Most 17 year olds are useless at stuff like this. They don't give a shit about anything except themselves and their mates.

Their parents are low on their list of priorities.

The fact you're considering telling her to fuck off, probably explains, in part at least, why she is like she is. You're not exactly giving off a 'mother of the year' vibe.

How has it been handled in the past? Does she usually get him something herself?

If so do you think with working and school she just forgot.
My response would depend on past behaviour really

@notaroadrunner @chesirecat99
My OP doesn't ever expect me to buy things for DP on behalf of his DD. Especially not at 17.

He wouldn't be annoyed at me, or disappointed in me at all for not buying anything.

His almost grown up DD on the other hand, well I expect he'd be upset I he knew the situation she had put me in.

Why does she need to get anything?

She can send a gif on WhatsApp free of charge .

Will daddy get upset? What is daddy expecting?

Just telling her to f off is unkind and uncalled for.
I just don't get the need to be aggressive and unpleasant especially towards teenagers. I would never speak to anyone let alone a family member the way some posters have suggested.
I'm not suggesting that going out and buying something on her behalf is necessarily the right thing to do, it might be, but a simple reply with some suggestions of a gift.

My DC are fully grown and independent and if one of them asked me to do them a favour I would. Just as I'd do the same for my mum, my sister or my friend.

ask her how much she wants to spend an what she was thinking of getting- buy the gift, then before she gets her 40 quid allowance, take what she owes you out of it- bet she wont do it again.

@wrotten I'm not sure why she gets pocket money in all honesty.

SDs mum gives her an undisclosed amount of pocket money for doing things at home such as washing her clothes, ironing her clothes, hoovering up and babysitting the Mums grandkids while she and her boyfriend go out on a Friday or Saturday.

We were told that we must give her 40 a month because it was "only fair" as Mum was giving her pocket money. She doesn't actually do any chores here to earn anything.

I too agree that now she is earning independently we have no need to be giving her pocket money. Especially when the only reason we are is because her mum said we have to as its "only fair".

I think DH is scared of silly repercussions if he stopped.

@hax if you genuinely believe I would tell my SD to f off then you are very naive.

Of course I wouldn't say that.

This also has absolutely nothing to do with her being my SD rather than DD.

Have you not read the post with the complete picture? Or did you just see a reference to step parenting and decide on a pile on?

I'd help her out if it wasn't too much trouble to do so - it's pretty harmless. But I wouldn't go too far out of my way. Numerous husbands expect their wives to sort out cards and gifts for their families and the wives are happy to do this. Is it because she's a woman that she's expected to be more organised?

@Hax

Well you obviously don't want to help her out. I would. MN at it's finest here. A 17 year old who is also a step child.

I totally agree. "No is a complete sentence!" it's hard being a step-child, why make it more difficult for her?

@Hax

Well you obviously don't want to help her out. I would. MN at it's finest here. A 17 year old who is also a step child.

It has nothing to do with the fact that she's a step child ffs, if my perfectly capable 17 year old son asked me to buy his dad something from him for Fathers day, he'd be told to buy something himself.

And it didn't take long for a supposed lighthearted thread to turn into the OP slagging off the SD's mum. So predictable.

@bearofeasttown PLEASE read my previous posts.

I would never ever tell SD to f off.

This is meant to be an adult forum with a little bit of a sense of humour....perhaps some people are just incredibly naive...

Would you like to apologise now for saying that I'm "hardly mother of the year vibe" and insinuating that I was responsible for this situation because I'm a bad parent now...or just slope off this thread with egg on your face?