To not let my son go camping on his prom night

[longcoffeebreak]

Just that really. He is 16 and wants to camp after his prom with friends in a friend's parent's field.

I think the idea stinks and that they will be drinking and totally unsupervised.

He thinks I am too strict and everyone else is allowed to go ..

bonbonours I get that, I really do. I have a dc the same age as yours. But will you really trust when they’re 18? When there’s nothing you can do about it and you won’t even know where she is or what’s happening? Not having these experiences at 16/17 will leave them very vulnerable then.
Getting drunk and making stupid decisions is something they have to go through.

This is camping in a friend’s field. It’s one step away from a sleepover. When I was 16 I went abroad with friends. I know the world has changed but it’s really harsh not to allow camping in a friend’s field. I would probably let my 15 year old dc do that if there was an adult in the house nearby.

If he does not go and his friends do - it will stay with him for the rest of his life - how he missed out - please let hime enjoy his prom

Mine did this after his prom, it was the after party. I picked him up in the morning and he was still drunk and told me he'd lost his virginity to his GF and had a great time

They all go to reading festival here when they are year 11, pick up GCSE results and head straight there.

I'd let him go.

Honestly I probably would let him - he hasn’t lied to you about it and has come to you in an honest grown up way (which says a lot about your relationship) so I would say yes.

Leeds and Reading festivals are a rite of passage for gcse students. They start often on gcse results day. Dd said she was too old by A Level age to go.
It’s really difficult but I would say in a parents garden much safer than a festival.
The main harm is too much alcohol. They often have no concept of percentages of spirits. So sit him down and explain what each stage does, leading to unconsciousness. And tell him to drink something non alcoholic between each alcohol drink.

Since when was this a thing?

People saying its completely normal, certainly wasnt among anyone I know and to me wouldnt be acceptible, its on par with getting drunk in the park.

I dont mind my 16 year old drinking at all but it would have to be in a secure safe enviroment with a trust adult on hand for emergancies not camping out in a field somewhere.

Also what is stopping these drunk kids having drunken ill advised sex or being taken advantage of in this senario?

I'd let him go. Talk to him beforehand about not putting himself in danger. He needs freedom.

Good that it's his friend's parents field. I know a lot of teenagers camp in random places like at nature reserves.

Is the parents' house next to the field or is it further away?

I’d definitely let him go, it’s all a part of growing up. It would be so much fun at that age to stay on a field with your friends. That’s not the stage that concerns me. It’s when they get going out to pubs and clubs with all the fighting. You hear of one punch killers quite often. Anyway, I digress, you should let him have this experience. He may act more responsibly anyway now he knows how touch and go it was about him going at all.

He’s 16! Let him live a little!

When my son was 16 he and his friends came to camp in our field. Yes they did drink, and we came out occasionally to make sure everyone was ok. Some did get quite squiffy. One we took indoors just to keep an eye on, the rest were fine. There were a couple of conditions. They had to ask the neighbours (who were fine), music had to go after 11.00 and they had to tidy up the morning after. My memory is that they were very good, and were up I think about 9.30 the day after sweeping the paddock for rubbish! Clearly depends on the child, but for us it was good at building trust and him taking responsibility.

I’m going against the grain. I don’t think he should go and I’d be honest and upfront as to why. Teenagers get so pissed that they choke on their own vomit whilst asleep and die. How many end up getting their stomachs pumped? Unless you can trust him to make good decisions, it’s not a great idea IMO. Chances are he’ll be fine going but I would be deeply uncomfortable with the setup.

I'd talk it through and let him know the reason you're reluctant is the previous drunk to vomiting point incidents. See what suggestions he comes up with? Maybe agree no spirits or he sticks to just beer and cider? a phonecall at midnight and you'll pick him up if he's incoherent or doesn't call? I'd try and work out a way that you can feel a bit reassured and he knows he needs to be a little bit sensible in order to be trusted a bit more to go off and do things in future.

Sorry just seen it was a field not a garden. I would hope it’s fairly near the house.
Dd had her 17th will loads of friends in a tent in our garden and I was paranoid about our neighbours complaining. The 8 of them had to be on their best behaviour. Unfortunately our large cat got very excited and started attacking them through the tent fabric when he saw it moving. Apparently his shadow looked enormous through the tent and their were several screams, followed by me telling them furiously to be quiet. One poor lad hardly slept, lying as still as possible all night as he was on the outside edge .

@SheilaWilcox

Tell him he can go, but he has to humour you by engaging in a safe sex, consent, sensible alcohol consumption and what to do in emergencies conversation first! (Even if you've already had it multiple times.) Then tell him, no matter what it is, he can call you if the shit hits the fan.

This

It's a shame isn't it that these things involve "off your face" amounts of alcohol?

That getting blind drunk & throwing up seems to be a prerequisite of fun?

Perhaps his past experiences have shown him that this isn't necessary?

Peer pressure is a bugger though!

Will girls be there? What are his male friends like? Will it be supervised in some way? My concern would be unwanted sexual behaviour (e.g. group of drunk boys egging each other on to “cop a feel” of the girls and it escalating etc or consensual drunken sex resulting in pregnancy).

I’d let him go after talking about being sensible around alcohol. My children went to after prom and walked home early the next morning. He will have great memories. And those memories matter. One of my daughter’s close friends was killed six months after their prom and my daughter still talks about the lovely night they all had at the prom and after.

No proms in my day, so the whole thing is novel to me. I have a 16 year old dd and I would agonise over this too. Teenagers, particularly the younger ones, and alcohol do make me anxious.
As pps have said I would be most worried if there was a fire, or a body of water anywhere nearby. I know everywhere on Jersey is nearish to the sea but I am assuming that this is relatively inland ?
Slightly different with a daughter as I worry particularly about the risk of sexual assault and so I have had a lot of talks with her about drinking. It hasn’t been an issue yet , but obviously will be.
At 18 or 19 some teenagers are a lot more balanced about drinking but 15/16 seems to be the worst age. I didn’t drink at all as a teen and so I was one looking after drunk friends and I got a very clear headed view of the risks, one girl hospitalised with alcohol poisoning, and a lot of sexual encounters that really bordered on rape, with a few that now I would definitely class as rape. Things like a boy falling asleep under a hedge after puking in the garden of a friend’s lovely house (parents away) on a cold night. Drunken boy cycling down a hill and ending up almost dead with a serious brain injury.
So I would probably let him go but only if there was some sort of parental supervision, but you know your son and the landscape, and so you are the one best placed to judge the risks.
I have a very sensible brother, so my parents would have allowed stuff like this for him, had he been more reckless then maybe not.

@longcoffeebreak

Ok I am clearly being U. As I said my mum was alcoholic and I went to rehab in my twenties after the emotional car crash that was my teenage years so I am scared of letting him go particularly after he has come back so drunk a couple of times.

But I do get that I might ruin my relationship with him if I am too restrictive.

As someone who had alcoholic, drug addicted parents (who were both abusive) I really recommend some specific counselling to help you balance your fears with parenting.

It made the world of difference to me and taught me how to deal with the fact that I have huge fears because of my upbringing, but that it’s not fair (and is destructive in a different way) to curtail my own children because of that.

You will hate it, but he has to be allowed to be a teen. Otherwise your parents are negatively impacting another child’s life.

He is 16 - he could join the army! Of course YABU!

I’d let him go personally. I was definitely drinking at 16 and in fact, I left home at 16 which I realise is far from the norm but a 16 year old is old enough to know right from wrong. He wants to have fun with his friends, let him.

Yes, personally, I would let him go. At 16, I was going off for 2+ weeks at a time to stay with my 21 year old boyfriend who lived 5 hours from me. I did drink (sensibly, actually, never got falling down drunk), but I wasn't even having sex. I think it's part of growing up. He'll have to learn how to take care of himself.

OP having read your further posts I completely get where you are coming from. Of course you are going to be like this - I am not sure you need therapy though it’s obvious that you will feel like this. I expect you have already but I would tell him why and that you are putting a lot of trust in him.

I think I'd be more worried about drunken sexual activity than anything else.
How many are going? Doesn't potentially sound very safe for girls.
As he has form for not handling alcohol well, I get your concerns op.
Shame it's not in a garden rather than a field.