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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move back in with my abuser?

303 replies

Gograce · 17/06/2021 21:20

Hear me out. I know on paper the answer is a clear as day no. But I genuinely have no where to go. In less than a weeks time the home I'm living in will be sold. I have no family that can take me and Support me financially. I'm unemployed with a 5 month baby. Before all of this I was living on/off with my partner and receiving uc. If I was to live with my family they would consider their wages and deduct my uc meaning I wouldnt be able to contribute to rent hence why they cant afford to take me. If I live on my own I've been told I can be put in a hostel far away and the last thing I want when feeling so fragile is to be isolated from my family. I've barely seen them since the pandemic as it is. No i dont want to live in a refuge either. My partner isnt a threat or aggressive, he has been sexually abusive. So is my only option is to move back with him? He wants us all back as a happy family. And I dont have the energy to stress anymore. I want to be able to unpack and finally settle someone. My baby and I deserve a home...

OP posts:

CleanQueen123 · 18/06/2021 09:24

@Gograce would it help if I posted a description of what happens when a woman comes into refuge?

I obviously don't know what happens in other refuges but I can tell you how it's done in the refuges I worked in.

It might help a bit more if you know roughly what to expect.

Ellpellwood · 18/06/2021 09:27

Aside from the risk to your child - which is a very real one - of domestic abuse, you can't bring a child up successfully in a home where one parent is abusing rhe other. You would be condemning them to a life formed bearing witness to a dysfunctional/abusive relationship and thinking it's normal.

IDontReadEyebrows · 18/06/2021 09:27

[quote Gograce]@IDontReadEyebrows I came on here for advice. Not to stand trail on whether people think this is legit or not. Why would I make up this hell hole of a life.[/quote]
I never said you’re making anything up?! I’ve been supportive I said to the previous poster I replied to that if they didn’t think the thread was legit to report it. I did concede they might be right. Because they might. Just like anyone (including me tbf) might not be legit. When you use anonymous forums you should always be prepared for that imo.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again, refuge is not a terrible place. Nothing good will come of going back to your ex.

knittingaddict · 18/06/2021 09:28

Refuges do vary massively. The one my daughter was in was underfunded and in an old building with no garden. However it helped her get access to many services and more importantly she felt safe. You can't put a price on that.

Original poster

Gograce · 18/06/2021 09:31

I'm going back. Sorry for making this thread. My family want me out of the house so they can pack. My sister has just had ago at me and said I'm putting everyone under a strain being here and that only now I've decided my situation is "abusive" . They've told me I have no other choice as they wont take me in. I'm done

OP posts:

Original poster

Gograce · 18/06/2021 09:33

Honestly if I didnt have my baby at this point I think I'd drive my car into a wall

OP posts:

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 18/06/2021 09:33

You cannot go back to your abuser with your baby. Please don't do this.

Go to the refuge. Every time.

TheGumption · 18/06/2021 09:33

Wow. I hope social services get involved for this poor baby.

Twilow · 18/06/2021 09:34

It isn't an either/or choice between living with the person who abuses you or your family. There is another option. Your sister is irrelevant. Your baby is more important.

IDontReadEyebrows · 18/06/2021 09:35

@Gograce

I’m sorry that your family aren’t being supportive and that’s probably fuelling this mindset. I hope you change your mind and don’t go back to him, for your sake and your child’s.

Original poster

Gograce · 18/06/2021 09:35

@TheGumption at this point I think they'd tell me to get over myself like everyone else. It's been made clear I am an inconvenience to everyone and that my assault is a burden.

OP posts:

copperpotsalot · 18/06/2021 09:36

If you want to end up losing your baby, your self worth and potentially your life then sure, sounds like a good idea!

It all seriousness, no, don't. I've been there and I totally understand the temptation but you need to protect yourself and your baby. If SS don't see you protecting your baby they will remove him/her. This is where I was and I had to move in to a shity caravan miles away from anything but as awful as it was, locking the door and being safe in just bed made it worthwhile and in a few short months I was housed permanently and we are now happy and settled.

The short term fix of going back to an abuser is just prolonging the inevitable

Sparklfairy · 18/06/2021 09:36

@Gograce you're being entirely selfish to not explore all options first. You're putting your own snobbery before the wellbeing of your baby.

The logical, practical and best thing for your baby would be to go to the refuge. By all means post here again if its a hellhole (it won't be) and we will help, but 8 have no sympathy for someone who won't even try it.

Original poster

Gograce · 18/06/2021 09:37

@Sparklfairy I dont need sympathy.

OP posts:

Sparklfairy · 18/06/2021 09:39

No you don't. You need a bloody good shake!

MrsMiddleMother · 18/06/2021 09:40

No you need to go to the refuge. You can't seriously put your child at risk of abuse like this. Your family is unsupportive and your partner is abusive, you couldn't be any more vulnerable. Your best bet is the women's refuge. Do it for your kid.

copperpotsalot · 18/06/2021 09:41

@Gograce

My parents cannot afford to house me. I would need to contribute to the rent and as I said I wouldnt get anything for rent living with family. My parents genuinely dont have the money despite their jobs. If they would they could. Living off 600 is not enough to cover both cost of our living whilst paying for food whilst paying for Bill's and rent. For the price of apartments at the moment I would at least need 500 to put on the table. I may consider a refuge I'm just really sceptical about that lifestyle and being alone without my family

But they're paying rent and bills already? Why would they need you to contribute when you're not costing any extra? All you'd be costing extra would be food and living expenses which your benefits would cover?

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 18/06/2021 09:44

Don’t drive back to him. Drive to your council offices and present as homeless, which you are. They will help you - your baby makes you a priority. Nothing is as bad as taking a child back into an abusive environment. You were strong enough to leave in the first place. This is the bit where you have to stay strong, for both of your sakes.

Ellpellwood · 18/06/2021 09:44

@Sparklfairy

No you don't. You need a bloody good shake!

Agreed. Not one person said sure, take your baby back to live in a house with a sexual abuser. And yet, there you go, because you don't fancy a refuge.

witheringrowan · 18/06/2021 09:46

What is it specifically that puts you off going to a refuge?

Original poster

Gograce · 18/06/2021 09:46

I cant do it. Once I make it real that its. Once i tell someone there is no going back to our normal lives. Once I'm in a refuge I'll be all on my own

OP posts:

wingsofsteel · 18/06/2021 09:47

It sounds like other people around you are trying to downplay/doubt the abuse you have suffered. I know how that feels and the self-doubt/guilt that it can bring. But if your ex has been abusive to you he will almost certainly be abusive again. If you have left him once but go back there is a good chance that the abuse will escalate, as he will see that you have no option but to stay. Others who doubt you now may well not believe you if you tell them about future abuse (lots of people assume that if you were really being abused you would not go back, even though that's really not how domestic abuse works).

It will take great strength, but could you try a refuge for a week or so, just to see how it works and give yourself some space to think? If nothing else, there will be other people there who understand abusive situations and will offer you belief and support whilst you work out your next steps.

Ellpellwood · 18/06/2021 09:47

@Gograce

I cant do it. Once I make it real that its. Once i tell someone there is no going back to our normal lives. Once I'm in a refuge I'll be all on my own

Your normal life is already gone. It's up to you what your next normal is.

Livebythecoast · 18/06/2021 09:48

I'm sorry you're in this situation. You say you don't need sympathy but you obviously posted for support. Did you really think posters would agree with you and say that yes, going back to this abusive man is your best option?. No, of course not. As PP have said, many who have been through similar to you, that a refuge, whilst not ideal initially, is your best option if you can't live with family. You have to think about your baby (and yourself of course) - don't you both deserve better? Please reconsider but I have a feeling you won't because your confidence and self esteem is probably shot and you think this is the only option although it truly isn't.
I wish you all the very best though.

witheringrowan · 18/06/2021 09:49

You won't be all on your own. You'll be in a place that is specifically designed to support you and your baby, and with people who want to help you create a new life for yourself.

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