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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave husband who has BPD

138 replies

Cinders29 · 17/06/2021 17:46

For the past 12 years I've been in a controlling relationship. My husband was jealous , lied A LOT , had a bad temper, accused me of all sorts, extremely needy and wouldn't give me space , was unfaithful in the form of texting ( sexually ) to another woman ( girl ) he's also been extremely generous, loving, a great dad etc

I left and came back a few times. This time, it has been over 2 months. husband has moved out has his own place, in process of sorting divorce, financial matters.

He's been in a bit of a mess since we broke up, I've been a lot stronger than before and although it's true I am in still in love with him, I know I cannot live like this anymore and I'm really enjoying my own space etc.

Anyway, in the last week he's been diagnosed with BPD ( borderline personality disorder ) which explains A LOT. He is now saying that he's been prescribed medication , starting therapy, meditating, stopped drinking ( he has not drank since we split tbf )he's confident he can and will feel better and is now asking me to support him and keeps saying 'I'll show you I can change, get better '

I've said I'll be there to chat to etc, but I can't promise it's going to make any difference to how I feel in the end and that he has to do it for him and not for me.

I've no idea how to navigate this and I feel guilty for continuing the separation now there is a 'reason' for all he's done.

My heads mashed, if anyone has any experience with BPD or just an opinion I'd be grateful. Thank you

OP posts:

VettiyaIruken · 17/06/2021 17:48

It's not unreasonable. You don't owe him a life with you, regardless if there's a medical reason he's treated you so badly.

funnylittlefloozie · 17/06/2021 17:50

I get that now you have a "reason " for his behaviour, but the problem is, its still him. If anything its worse,because now you know it really is his disordered personality that causes him to be abusive - and he will not change. This horrible abusive person is just who he is.

I sympathise hugely. My own sister has BPD, and frankly, she's awful. I would never encourage anyone to stay in a relationship with someone suffering from BPD - it will always end in tears.

Marty13 · 17/06/2021 17:51

Sorry, no advice, but I just wanted to say your reasons to break up are valid and you don't have to go back just because he's been diagnosed and prescribed medication.

The fact that there's a "reason" doesn't make his past behaviour any less hurtful and you still have to live with that experience. He also bears responsibility for not seeking help sooner.

You do what's best for you, and it sounds like leaving was the right decision.

ElspethFlashman · 17/06/2021 17:53

It's a reason for his abuse. It's not an excuse.

Are you happier now? That's the only thing that matters.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2021 17:57

It's a reason for his abuse. It's not an excuse.

Exactly, and I fear your husband will use this diagnosis as the ultimate excuse for past and future behaviour.

Here's the thing, a person with mental illness can still be an arsehole, and they are still responsible for their behaviour. There is no excuse for being an abuser.

You're almost free, just keep going.

baldafrique · 17/06/2021 17:58

Hes managed to get therapy that fast? On the NHS or privately?!

Original poster

Cinders29 · 17/06/2021 18:01

Thank you. It's like now he's saying, he will never tell me where I can and can't go again, who I see etc - I've been meeting up with old friends since separation and he says he doesn't care anymore and he wants me to have my own time, life and he also said he wants to have more of a life himself. I just don't know if I can believe him, in a perfect world it would all change and we could be together.

When we're good , we are good. We have a child with disabilities and we make a good team but with this it feels a huge responsibility and I already have that with my son.

I mean, is it classed as abuse as such if someone has a disorder. Sorry, I know it makes sense that it is , but it does feel unfair calling it that as he can't actually help it. Or can he? I've no idea.

OP posts:

Egeegogxmv · 17/06/2021 18:01

My guess is that he will manage some change if he has the incentive that you might take him back....but when he gets comfortable again?
Based on your post I think I might give him a chance but as friends with no living together?

Original poster

Cinders29 · 17/06/2021 18:06

Yes he got therapy ... privately.

He has suggested continuing to live separately and doing our own things but also technically 'being together' I just don't want to be getting his hopes if I ultimately decide it's not working.

And in all honesty, I'd like to chat to other people now - I think I'd like a bit of fun and I know that prob sounds awful but I kinda wanna see what else there is out for me. Maybe there isn't anything in which case I'm happy to be single, but I'm still 'quite ' young and my life has been so serious the last 12 years and due to son it always will be, and whilst I'm young I wanna live a bit. Obviously would never mention that last bit to him.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2021 18:08

If you do decide to give him yet another chance, and I don't think you should, personally, you need to take it very, very slowly. With your eyes wide open and no tolerance of any bad behaviours.

I don't see the point, really. I would bet my house he won't really change. He's just saying what he thinks you want to hear.

ScottishNewbie · 17/06/2021 18:09

YANBU
I think continue with all the steps of divorce.
You know what, in a years time if he truly is a new person and you're willing, he can date you and begin a new relationship as a new man.
I wouldn't be going back based on promises.
No discrimination against people with BPD but I have two in my very close direct family and they will say anything to get what they want. Even look like they have done a complete 180, to sneer at you for being so stupid to have fallen for their manipulation.

They are also the funniest, most engaging people who make you feel like you're the only person in the world (narcissistic traits) also be aware of love bombing to get their way)
The highs are high. The lows and extremely low.

gamerchick · 17/06/2021 18:11

You've noped out now, you won't be able to go back.

Personally I'd run a mile from that label. I've been on the receiving end of it too often.

ElspethFlashman · 17/06/2021 18:12

So in the last week he's decided that now that he's got a diagnosis and some meds, he's gonna suddenly have an entirely different personality?

Yeah that's not gonna happen. At all. He is who he is.

Do you even know what meds he's been prescribed?

5475878237NC · 17/06/2021 18:15

BPD therapy takes a very long time and during it, there are many likely setbacks where people practice their new ways of responding to emotional triggers. BPD medication can help with the symptoms eg palpitations someone may get when a trigger gets them worked up, but will not solve anything. This is long haul change.

You don't have to stick around whilst he does it.

TurquoiseLemur · 17/06/2021 18:17

@funnylittlefloozie

I sympathise hugely. My own sister has BPD, and frankly, she's awful. I would never encourage anyone to stay in a relationship with someone suffering from BPD - it will always end in tears.

I agree 100%

My father was like this (no diagnosis) and my mother spent their entire married life (47 years) trying to fix him. She thought love and patience and ignoring the appalling behaviour (as if she or we could!) was enough; it isn't.

People with this type of disorder don't change. They are horrific to live with. While constantly playing the victim when talking to others, often very persuasively.

I'm sorry about your sister.

tornadosequins · 17/06/2021 18:17

It's still abuse. All abusers have reasons leading to their behaviour but it's still abuse. And lots of abusers roll out a diagnosis and therapy proposal as a tactic to keep hold of their victim.

The only time an abuser might succeed in changing is when they're doing so for their own benefit rather than as simply another way to retain control over (I.e. abuse) another person.

The abusive relationship has to end permanently. They then choose to change or not. If they do change then perhaps they will meet someone with whom they can have a healthy relationship in future.

You need to leave for yourself and so you can recover from the damage.

Egeegogxmv · 17/06/2021 18:17

He has suggested continuing to live separately and doing our own things but also technically 'being together'
Is that him already trying to control the situation and maneuver you into agreeing to more than you are comfortable with?

Or is it him trying to negotiate and you are free to negotiate back so that you reach a solution that works for both of you?

Hurr8cane84 · 17/06/2021 18:19

Getting the diagnosis might actually make it worse, you know. Because in his mind he has an excuse and next time he treats you like shit, he'll turn around and say it's because of his illness and he can't help it and you need to put up with it. Fuck that.

Also, why should you waste your life this way? You will NEVER get those 12 years back, do you really want to spend another 12 years like this or do you want to try and enjoy it? You don't owe him your life. You need to look after yourself and your son above all else. His diagnosis is his to handle.

Booboobadoo · 17/06/2021 18:21

**I mean, is it classed as abuse as such if someone has a disorder. Sorry, I know it makes sense that it is , but it does feel unfair calling it that as he can't actually help it. Or can he? I've no idea.

Yes, it still is abuse. No idea whether he can help it or not, but it doesn't matter. Being treated like shit us being treated like shit whatever the reason. Please don't tie yourself in knots trying to explain his behaviour.

Jellycatspyjamas · 17/06/2021 18:22

I wonder if seeing his behaviour now as part of his disorder might help? There’s a process of drawing you in that can be part of BPD which ultimately processes to controlling behaviour and abuse and it sounds like that’s where he might be now. The reality is it takes a long time for people to stabilise, if they do, so a week is far from long enough.

Of course, if he does draw you back in he’s got a rationale for his poor behaviour because BPD, which means he can avoid taking responsibility for his actions. You end up tied to someone who lies, controls you etc but can’t leave because it’s not really “him”?

I mean, is it classed as abuse as such if someone has a disorder.

Yes, it is. He will have had some awareness of his behaviour, could have sought support sooner. It’s in his interests for him to focus on his treatment and, when the time comes, go into another relationship with someone else. It’s in your interests to let him do that.

Rinoachicken · 17/06/2021 18:22

Recovery from BPD is completely possible. But it takes years of hard work and commitment, specific therapy (MBT/DBT). It is not a quick or easy thing to fix.

To PP - BPD is nothing to do with this personality. It’s a poor name for the disorder and is being changed. It is a disorder rooted in poor attachments in childhood, possibly including (but not always) trauma of some kind. It is a a disorder of the mood, intense emotions and distorted thinking patterns.

Recovery IS possible, but you DO NOT have to stick around for it.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 17/06/2021 18:23

He has suggested continuing to live separately and doing our own things but also technically 'being together'

He is still trying to control you, the situation and your boundaries. You don't owe him a life with you, you are not a rehab centre for his issues. Please do not feel guilty for not owning his problems and wanting your own life separate of his abuse and problems.

He's still putting himself first here. HE always will.

Start putting you first.

What gamerchick said, too.

Rinoachicken · 17/06/2021 18:24

Should have added, I work in this field, supporting people just starting the recovery process. It’s a long hard process. Not everyone can see it through, not everyone even wants to.

Eskarina1 · 17/06/2021 18:24

Abuse is abuse, regardless of the reason. My grandfather's horrific PTSD from the war doesn't make my aunt's brain damage from a physical assault or my dad's life long struggle with debilitating depression ok. My dad's mental health problems didn't make his financial abuse of my mum, or the fact he slept with/was turned down by all her friends easier to deal with.

You are a person and your needs are important. You cant just accept a life of abuse because he has a reason.

Boonlark · 17/06/2021 18:26

I have a close relative with this. They're doing all the right things, but they're still impossible to live with. They have to keep it all hidden at work and so they can't keep it up at home. Thankfully they've realised this and have decided to live on their own. A diagnosis is not a magic pill that makes it go away, and neither is the medication and therapy.

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