To leave husband who has BPD

[Cinders29]

For the past 12 years I've been in a controlling relationship. My husband was jealous , lied A LOT , had a bad temper, accused me of all sorts, extremely needy and wouldn't give me space , was unfaithful in the form of texting ( sexually ) to another woman ( girl ) he's also been extremely generous, loving, a great dad etc

I left and came back a few times. This time, it has been over 2 months. husband has moved out has his own place, in process of sorting divorce, financial matters.

He's been in a bit of a mess since we broke up, I've been a lot stronger than before and although it's true I am in still in love with him, I know I cannot live like this anymore and I'm really enjoying my own space etc.

Anyway, in the last week he's been diagnosed with BPD ( borderline personality disorder ) which explains A LOT. He is now saying that he's been prescribed medication , starting therapy, meditating, stopped drinking ( he has not drank since we split tbf )he's confident he can and will feel better and is now asking me to support him and keeps saying 'I'll show you I can change, get better '

I've said I'll be there to chat to etc, but I can't promise it's going to make any difference to how I feel in the end and that he has to do it for him and not for me.

I've no idea how to navigate this and I feel guilty for continuing the separation now there is a 'reason' for all he's done.

My heads mashed, if anyone has any experience with BPD or just an opinion I'd be grateful. Thank you

It is a disorder of the mood, intense emotions and distorted thinking patterns
but surely these are the things that make up the personality? Or are you saying that personality is something which is distinct and separate from emotions, mood and thinking patterns?

He's hard wired to behave like he does. So he will always be like this.
If you give him any hope, it will be even harder to leave again.
You both sound like you are better people when apart.
Don't give him any hope - he will be able to deal with the disappointment better now while he is in therapy.

Get the divorce and be happy rather than constantly be on edge.

You have given him enough of your life and owe him nothing.

He will use his diagnosis to emotionally blackmail you into compliance.

Effective treatment is a minimum of a year and won't 'cure' him but will help to give him skills that he'll need to practice and practice to have better relationships. He might also need some trauma therapy to deal with underlying trauma. It is a condition that people can recover from - it's thought to be an interruption in early development due to neglect or trauma (although I was at a conference about it this week where a psychiatrist was saying it is 50% genetic - most other people give greater weight to environmental factors).

He's likely to be in a bit of a honeymoon period post diagnosis as he suddenly has an explanation. He has a huge amount of hard work to do now.

I don't think anyone would blame you for going your own way.

No I would not stick around. I’d tell him that he needs to focus on himself and getting well and developing a good co parenting relationship with you and that is a lot to keep him busy. And also that that needs to be the priority. Anything else will just get in the way.

Do you love him?does he make you happy?do you think it is going to work if you just be friends until he has begun his treatment and settled into a new way of living for himself and then to begin to see how you both feel about each other?
Or
Can you not forget all that has happened and feel you have lost your respect and trust completely?
To be honest,there are too many areas here for anyone to advise you for the best,but trust your instincts and do not stay due to guilt or a sense of duty.you will be doing neither of you any favours,you'll both end up miserable.
You know in your heart I suspect what you want to do,and do it.It's your life.🌈

Yes it’s still abuse even if he has mental health issues, you don’t have to feel guilty or responsible

He has a reason for his behaviour which explains a lot. But, that doesn't change who he is, how he reacts, treats you and behaves. The situation is the same. Yes, he MIGHT be able to manage it a bit better but it just has a label. You're happier now so why go back to how things were?

You have given enough to him over 12 years.

He has taken enough from you - your dignity, your self worth, emotional energy over 12 years.

Life is short and precious.

Your DC needs a Mum who is light, calm, peaceful, consistent, content and focused - not someone distracted, distressed, preoccupied with someone else. You can only be in one emotional place at a time. Choose your DC and yourself. I am sure your DC has endured enough already.

I hope that you have professional support for yourself.

@bitheby I think we may have been at the same conference!

Do not go back with him. You deserve better

@Egeegogxmv

This might help explain:

www.verywellmind.com/borderline-personality-disorder-meaning-425191

Ok so there is a ‘reason’ but all it takes is him not to take the medication and he is back at the beginning. And even if he does take the medication it may only help a bit

Personally having made the decision to leave I would be sticking with it, yes I would perhaps support if I could but would also be continuing with the divorce

It's not unreasonable at all.

There is nothing in your post that sounds as though you deeply love this man, know he will support you, and want to be with him. The reasons that you don't want to be with him are irrelevant, in that you don't need to have a reason. (Though if you did need a reason you have a very good one). To be honest it sounds as though you feel sorry for him now he's got this diagnosis - and that's a lousy reason to be with anyone. Stay strong and move on.

There medication MAY only help with SOME of the symptoms.

If he wants to recover he will need to commit to the right type of therapy for a minimum of a year, and then the real heard work starts - he will have to practice and apply the skills and strategies he has learned in therapy everyday, possibly for the rest of his life, though it does become more automatic and easier over three years.

He has to do this himself, no one else can do it for him. He has to want to do it and be commuted to it.

The importance of taking personal responsibility for your own recovery, along with the commitment and mental effort required, is why it’s so hard to treat and not everyone will manage it.

It is possible - but sadly not in every case.

Living with someone with bpd is incredibly hard. His behaviour might stem from his condition but you are allowed to not be able to move past what he has done to you. You have to look after your own mental health. Being worn down and on edge on a repeating basis going forwards would be a possibility. I have seen someone try and fail to support his wife and children and maintain a job. He made it work for a few years but it did get too much and he went beyond his ability to cope and ended up with a breakdown or burn out situation. You need to know what you can do, I'd honestly recommend getting things stable as a single parent then taking a thorough look at your self and your resilience. I am biased. But it was difficult to see my children's friends go into care for a while.

Best wishes. Put YOUR health first x

People with this type of disorder don't change. They are horrific to live with.

I don't have BPD but plenty of people using mumsnet will. Please think carefully about who's going to see what you've written - it's a huge generalisation of a group of people with wide ranging symptoms and recovery journeys and loved ones who live perfectly fine with them.

Honestly, I wouldn't go back. Mainly, because I did. And had to do it all over again. Now been gone almost 5 years.

He can't guarantee he won't do it again. And he will display the same behaviour, but probably in different ways.

Bdp doesn't get a diagnosis and then be simply ok because you took some tablets and got some counselling. He has been diagnosed a week. How would he even know if his medication or other coping mechanism will work long term?

And how was he diagnosed? Through his private counsellor? Have you actually seen anything regarding his diagnosis?

Anyway, my (now) ex just found other ways to abuse me and then told me he couldn't help it and that I could leave because he was ill and its not his fault.

Instead of telling me I couldn't go out, he would just ruin every night out I had. And his reason was 'my bdp, means I just can't be without you. I panicked, but I am not to blame. It's my bpd'

Instead of telling me I couldn't speak to people, he would go through my phone constantly, he linked my phone to his laptop so he could track me and have access to everything, he would follow me and park outside my work and demand to know every word of a converstation I had, had with someone. All under the guise of 'you being open and telling me every detail of everything and letting me have access to everything of yours, letting me parking outside your work all afternoon helps my bpd'.

Honestly, I wouldn't ever go back.

Abusive people are abusive people.

Some abusive people also have mental illnesses and disorders.

It’s not an excuse. They are still abusive. And you don’t have to stay.

@Cinders29

Yes he got therapy ... privately.

He has suggested continuing to live separately and doing our own things but also technically 'being together' I just don't want to be getting his hopes if I ultimately decide it's not working.

And in all honesty, I'd like to chat to other people now - I think I'd like a bit of fun and I know that prob sounds awful but I kinda wanna see what else there is out for me. Maybe there isn't anything in which case I'm happy to be single, but I'm still 'quite ' young and my life has been so serious the last 12 years and due to son it always will be, and whilst I'm young I wanna live a bit. Obviously would never mention that last bit to him.

It sounds like he wants to still technically be together so he'll still have the means to control you.

I was in a four year relationship in similar circumstances to these. I had a brief relationship since, but I'm happily single at the mo. I finally got my degree and I'm due to start a Masters this September. Life has never been better!

See what life has to offer you! You might be surprised what you achieve/what fun you can have when you lose the weight of an awful relationship! All the best, OP!

I think for me he would have to seriously work to change, and demonstrate that he could before I even considered anything. A diagnosis is not an excuse for being abusive, and it could easily be seen as a get out of jail free card

I have worked with perpetrators of DA and coercive control, and I am about as confident as I can be that people who behave this way have serious mental health problems. That doesn’t excuse what they do to other people’s lives.

Hi OP,

Long time lurker but this is the first time I've ever felt I needed to comment. I have a diagnosis of BPD. I'm high functioning, employed in a high pressure job and have a stable, loving relationship but my mental health absolutely makes all those things harder. I've engaged with treatment (therapy and medication) but it still requires constant work on myself to manage my condition and it's potential impacts on others. People living with BPD are not necessarily nightmares to be with or abusive, but depending on how their condition impacts their lives it can be very very difficult.

Your DH's diagnosis does not excuse his behaviour (abuse) and doesn't negate it's impacts in you. Please don't feel you need to stay. Your DH will have a long road ahead of treatment if he works towards recovery, but he needs to take that action for himself. Take care of yourself.

Anyway, my (now) ex just found other ways to abuse me and then told me he couldn't help it and that I could leave because he was ill and its not his fault.

I think this is important, counsellors and psychotherapists aren’t qualified to give a diagnosis, you need a psychiatrist to do that and there’s a long wait on the NHS, though if he’s getting prescribed medication he’s clearly had some medical input.

I’d go very cautiously, your instinct is to stay separated - think about why that is and listen to yourself.