To leave husband who has BPD

[Cinders29]

For the past 12 years I've been in a controlling relationship. My husband was jealous , lied A LOT , had a bad temper, accused me of all sorts, extremely needy and wouldn't give me space , was unfaithful in the form of texting ( sexually ) to another woman ( girl ) he's also been extremely generous, loving, a great dad etc

I left and came back a few times. This time, it has been over 2 months. husband has moved out has his own place, in process of sorting divorce, financial matters.

He's been in a bit of a mess since we broke up, I've been a lot stronger than before and although it's true I am in still in love with him, I know I cannot live like this anymore and I'm really enjoying my own space etc.

Anyway, in the last week he's been diagnosed with BPD ( borderline personality disorder ) which explains A LOT. He is now saying that he's been prescribed medication , starting therapy, meditating, stopped drinking ( he has not drank since we split tbf )he's confident he can and will feel better and is now asking me to support him and keeps saying 'I'll show you I can change, get better '

I've said I'll be there to chat to etc, but I can't promise it's going to make any difference to how I feel in the end and that he has to do it for him and not for me.

I've no idea how to navigate this and I feel guilty for continuing the separation now there is a 'reason' for all he's done.

My heads mashed, if anyone has any experience with BPD or just an opinion I'd be grateful. Thank you

Oh and I'd get divorced for sure. He's so keen on pressing the reset button and sweeping all the bad behaviour away like it never existed. Press that reset button all the way back to the start. Be divorced and single. Chat to whoever, including him if you want, date who you like, sleep with who you want. If you and him are meant to be together and you both come to realise this then you can remarry if you choose.

OP I am really sorry that I have participated in detailing your thread.

@TheTruthAndNothingButTheTruth you are being pedantic and I’m not going to engage further.
You can read more at www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/causes/

No single cause.
A combination of genetic and environmental factors.

I’m happy to continue to engage in debate off this thread if you’d like to but I don’t think it’s fair on the OP for this to carry on here.

*derailing

I had this situation with a friend who had BPD. The first time she treated me badly I was willing to give a second chance, because of the diagnosis (which she had before I met her). But that second chance was dependent on her acknowledging what she'd done and how I'd felt because of it, apologizing for her behaviour and never, ever doing it again. We had a conversation about it and it went like this...

Getting the diagnosis might actually make it worse, you know. Because in his mind he has an excuse and next time he treats you like shit, he'll turn around and say it's because of his illness and he can't help it and you need to put up with it. Fuck that.

On receiving that kind of response to the situation, I wished her well with her life and cut her out of my life, never having contact with her again. I don't want people in my life who cause me to feel fear.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that if you do really love him, then it is worth working for. But it depends how much you love him.

My husband is schizophrenic, and we have been together for 20 years. He was only diagnosed four years ago, and the diagnosis explained a lot of his jealous behaviour and distrust of people. He has had a few episodes of psychosis and been hospitalised for long periods of time, and it is not easy at all. However, I love him with all my heart and most of the time now, when he takes his meds, things are good. They aren't perfect, as the meds bring other problems, but I wouldn't swap it for the world.

People don't understand mental illness, though, which you can see from a lot of the things that people have said on this thread. If you do decide to stay with him, you will face a lot of stigma and judgement from others. People are sadly really, really harsh and judgemental towards those with mental illness. So it won't be easy for you. But he is your son's dad, and if you do still love him like you say, then you can make it work, but it will be hard.

I had a friend with BPD.
I had to ditch her because she was absolutely as mad as a cut snake, totally mental every time she had PMT, hugely spiteful and highly jealous.
She's still the one of the mad women about town where I'm from, as far as I know.
I ended up moving away for other reasons anyway.

@GraduallyWatermelon

People with this type of disorder don't change. They are horrific to live with.

I don't have BPD but plenty of people using mumsnet will. Please think carefully about who's going to see what you've written - it's a huge generalisation of a group of people with wide ranging symptoms and recovery journeys and loved ones who live perfectly fine with them.

This.

OP I was in a similar situation with my ex who had severe depression. I left him for similar reasons: abusive and controlling behaviour, inability to hold down a job, excessive drinking and being totally unwilling or unable to participate in family life.

After I finally gave him the boot he had a series of mental health crises when eventually led to him getting the support he needed. He is now on a more or less even keel and is deeply apologetic for what he put us through and expects everything to go back to where it was before.

It doesn't work like that. Someone with bad mental health deserves sympathy and support. They don't have an automatic right to force you to remain with them for the rest of your lives. And they don't get to restart the clock just because after the fact they have finally got around to getting the support they need.

I am pleased that my ex has finally got his shit together and is on an even keel. But I will never be able to move past the fact that he put me and my daughter through years of this and the fact it took a life-threatening crisis to get him to deal with it. It's too little, too late. I deserve better and you do too.

BPD like most illnesses and disorders is on a spectrum and each individual with it will have different presentation of varying degrees, it is eminently possible to recover and learn new ways of being, of communicating, regulating emotion and managing distress. Fingers crossed the medication is a good fit. I don't think you should see if there's anything else out there and then go back to him, up to you if you want to leave. If you go back maybe couples therapy and focus on your boundaries and what is meaningful for you

@Rinoachicken

Ironic that those who are spouting such vile stigmatising sweeping generalisation bollocks about people with BPD are themselves beautifully illustrating what happens when people fail to regulate their emotional responses.

Perhaps reflect on that?

Excuse me. Every one of the posts you are criticizing has been posted (unless the posters are blatantly lying within their posts) by people who have had partners/parents who have had BPD.

We are not just "spouting bollocks." We know of what we speak. You don't want to hear it.

Someone with a personality disorder isn't the only person affected by their personality disorder. And as several people have posted, many people with BPD have very little insight into this.

But it depends how much you love him.

I am sorry but this is utterly rubbish.

To suggest that you stayed with your husband, while he abused you, means that you just loved him more than people who leave is really poor judgment.

Its great you don't regret staying. But don't presume those of us who left, just didn't love our husbands enough.

It tore me apart to end my marriage. I was left with ptsd. If I had have stayed it would have destroyed my kids. The damage he does even, seeing them less, is enough. My 17 year old won't see him at all now, because of his behaviour towards her. Does she just not love him enough?

I have never said a bad word, about him in earshot of the kids. But he has told them allsorts about me. As they have got older, they want less to do with him.

Wether op goes back or leaves permanently, that does prove a level of love she has.

My mum is diagnosed with BPD. She was and is incapable of seeing her behaviour accurately or acknowledging the severe abuse she put me through - or actually of seeing anything beyond herself.

I don't have a relationship with her now. It's impossible. She'll be nice, make 1000 promises, but if I get too close she'll completely switch.

The safest thing for me is not to be around her.

Known a couple of people with BPD and the drama and self destructive (and destructive of all around them) behaviour, would be too much for me. Diagnosed and aware of their issues, and had therapy. Never really changed. They would be stable and lovely for a while, then downhill again

@TurquoiseLemur

Actually I DO know what I’m talking about.

NO-ONE on this thread has said that living with a someone with BPD has no impact on anyone else.

It has a HUGE impact. It is why the NHS I work for runs support groups and course for families and carers of those with BPD, precisely because it is well recognised the impact BPD can have on those living and working with someone with the condition can have.

No one has said the OP should stay. They have explained to her the recovery process and treatment options for her partner, and emphasised how vital to that process it will be for him to take PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for his behaviour, and how long (years) it is likely to take. This is just facts.

But you have continually dismissed any idea that people with BPD can recover, that they can change their behaviour, and go on to live full and fulfilling lives, including having a family life and employment.

And I’m sorry but that is just factually and scientifically incorrect. BPD has been known to be treatable for decades now. I’m sorry if you’ve not kept up to date with current NHS treatment options and research.

The fact that you are happy to lump every single person with BPD together is shocking, and you seem perfectly happy to condemn anyone with this diagnosis to a life of solitude, no friends, no family, no employment, lest they hurt someone else. That is a truly disgusting attitude to have towards ANY group of people.

YOU have deeply hurt many with your words on this thread, yet you do not seem to give two shits about the impact of YOUR behaviour on others.

It is a fact that everybody CAN recover from BPD but not everybody WILL.

Not everyone agrees with their diagnosis, or has the motivation to do anything about it. They don’t want to do the work involved and commit to managing the condition for the rest of their lives.

And that is a tragedy, for them and those around them. On our course for carers we make sure they understand that there is nothing THEY can do to make their loved one enter recovery. It MUST come from with that person. And when you have someone NOT willing to do what is required then the best thing for those around them is to put in very firm boundaries and make sure they are putting their own well-being first. And in some cases that may mean walking away.

But many MANY people with BPD DO want to recover, will put in the work.

People with BPD are NOT all the same, and cannot be lumped together and thrown out with the trash as hopeless cases. To do so is disgusting.

@rinoachicken I think I love you. Thank you for talking absolute logical, scientific sense in such a compassionate way.

Your clients/those you work with are very lucky.

I have BPD and did therapy for 4 years. It's still not an excuse to treat others badly though.

You were going to leave him based on the past 12 years.

OP I think your decision must be based on what is best for you and your son. This man has repeatedly hurt you over the years. It is very sad that he has only now received this diagnosis but that is not your cross to bear.
As many have said the recovery from BPD is a long and difficult road and will take time and commitment. No-one can predict at this point if your DH will be successful but it is not your job here to prop him up while he tries. I personally think that a clean break will be better for you and your son (and possibly your DH? I don't know) but you aren't responsible for his recovery, you are responsible for yourself and your son, you two must be the priority here.

Take care.

Agree with you @mooey89 about derailment, sorry OP. I won't be debating (on or off board) any further with you Mooey, not because I think you are right but because it isn't fair on the OP and honestly I can't be arsed off board, better things to do with my time.

And in all honesty, I'd like to chat to other people now - I think I'd like a bit of fun and I know that prob sounds awful but I kinda wanna see what else there is out for me. Maybe there isn't anything in which case I'm happy to be single, but I'm still 'quite ' young and my life has been so serious the last 12 years and due to son it always will be, and whilst I'm young I wanna live a bit. Obviously would never mention that last bit to him.

Have a re-read.

This is what you have expressed what YOU want and need.

Note that you want to explore / experiment with dating and have some fun.

Note that you are happy to be single.

Note that you haven’t once expressed a desire to be back with him - and your OP is likely driven by a misplaced obligation / guilt towards his needs - and he is the one - yet again - that is calling the shots. Just because he has some recent insight into his own MH he is suggesting that you hang around whilst he does his own thing - what does this even mean?

I suspect that over the past 12 years you have been pushed and pulled and turned yourself inside out to just cope with his behaviours. On top of that you the additional challenges of parenting a child with disabilities. I am surprised that you know which way is up.

Just for once listen to your own needs and give yourself permission to pursue a simpler, calmer and more peaceful life with lots of room for fun and joy. You so deserve that.

I think BPD is such a cross to bear, I really feel for people that have it. I hope any BPD sufferers arent reading this and feeling bad.

I'd maybe date someone with BPD if they were aware and in treatment for a significant time. Someone who's been impossible for years and suddenly got diagnosed? I wouldn't touch them with a barge pole. And I say that as someone who has Bipolar II, Bipolar II (with decent treatment) is a walk in the park compared to BPD.

It's a dreadful illness and it's not your ex's fault but it's not your job to mop up after it, OP. You can use this new info to help co-parent with him. Be free of his abuse and help him from a distance.

I mean, is it classed as abuse as such if someone has a disorder.

100% it's still classed as abuse. People with personality disorders are massively over-represented in prison population so it doesn't stop then being responsible for crimes.

Therapy will take years and personally from things I've seen, if people go back to the same relationships, it's hard for them not to go back to old patterns.

You're relatively young, I'd keep moving on and 100% not go back.

@Trevsadick

But it depends how much you love him.

I am sorry but this is utterly rubbish.

To suggest that you stayed with your husband, while he abused you, means that you just loved him more than people who leave is really poor judgment.

Its great you don't regret staying. But don't presume those of us who left, just didn't love our husbands enough.

It tore me apart to end my marriage. I was left with ptsd. If I had have stayed it would have destroyed my kids. The damage he does even, seeing them less, is enough. My 17 year old won't see him at all now, because of his behaviour towards her. Does she just not love him enough?

I have never said a bad word, about him in earshot of the kids. But he has told them allsorts about me. As they have got older, they want less to do with him.

Wether op goes back or leaves permanently, that does prove a level of love she has.

No, you are misinterpreting what I said. I said nothing about anyone who left their husband. I was commenting on the OP and her saying that she loved her husband - whether she stays or not does depend on how much she loves him, as she had also suggested that she wanted to try new things. You need to love someone a hell of a lot to even consider the long haul that comes with the recovery of mental illness, so, yes, it does need to be a factor in the decision. If there's not enough love, then you won't make it through the recovery, which is going to be long and hard, full of stigma and lots of steps backwards along the way. If there's not enough love, that won't work.

Don't put words into my mouth - this was not a comment on you or anybody else who has been abused and left an abusive husband; I said nothing about any of that. That was only your perception.

It's the effect of the abuse on you that matters, not his reasons for it. If someone punched you in the face and broke your nose, it would feel the same and your nose would be just as broken if the person doing it was doing it for fun, as if they had a mental illness. We can empathise with someone who is not well, while still being entitled to protect ourselves from their behaviour.

Rather than viewing yourself as this person's caregiver who must be understanding and supportive at all costs, ask yourself what YOU want from a relationship. How does the relationship serve you. You're not just there for someone else. If it hurts you, you have a right to step away regardless of the reason.

For what it's worth, people with BPD can improve especially with the right therapy (to my knowledge there is no medication for BPD so I'm not sure what this would be), but it does take some work and some time. The disorder may improve but it will always be there, and likely to show up more intensely during times of stress etc.

I mean, is it classed as abuse as such if someone has a disorder.

Sociopathy is a personality disorder (antisocial personality disorder). Narcissism is a personality disorder. It's 100% still abuse if they act abusively.

I mean, is it classed as abuse as such if someone has a disorder.
It's abusive for the person on the receiving end therefore it is abuse.