To leave husband who has BPD

[Cinders29]

For the past 12 years I've been in a controlling relationship. My husband was jealous , lied A LOT , had a bad temper, accused me of all sorts, extremely needy and wouldn't give me space , was unfaithful in the form of texting ( sexually ) to another woman ( girl ) he's also been extremely generous, loving, a great dad etc

I left and came back a few times. This time, it has been over 2 months. husband has moved out has his own place, in process of sorting divorce, financial matters.

He's been in a bit of a mess since we broke up, I've been a lot stronger than before and although it's true I am in still in love with him, I know I cannot live like this anymore and I'm really enjoying my own space etc.

Anyway, in the last week he's been diagnosed with BPD ( borderline personality disorder ) which explains A LOT. He is now saying that he's been prescribed medication , starting therapy, meditating, stopped drinking ( he has not drank since we split tbf )he's confident he can and will feel better and is now asking me to support him and keeps saying 'I'll show you I can change, get better '

I've said I'll be there to chat to etc, but I can't promise it's going to make any difference to how I feel in the end and that he has to do it for him and not for me.

I've no idea how to navigate this and I feel guilty for continuing the separation now there is a 'reason' for all he's done.

My heads mashed, if anyone has any experience with BPD or just an opinion I'd be grateful. Thank you

I mean, is it classed as abuse as such if someone has a disorder.

Maybe it’s the same as saying is it classed as a crime if someone stole, assaulted someone, vandalised property etc as such if someone has a disorder.

The answer clearly is “Yes” and the legal consequences follow.

The important piece is to look closely at the level of control and manipulation that goes on where it us evident that they can choose carefully who they “lose control” with and who they don’t.

I have BPD. I recently got a diagnosis after years of trying to get help and being dismissed or fobbed off as too high functioning, despite knowing there was something seriously wrong. I can only speak from my own perspective and experience, but I would urge you to think carefully about staying. It's true that people with BPD can recover (I read somewhere that after five years, about half of borderlines no longer meet the criteria to qualify for a BPD diagnosis if they undertake treatment, but I can't remember where I saw that statistic, sorry!), but I wouldn't pin your hopes on him changing. BPD is very complex and sometimes (at least for me!) it can be quite hard to know how much of 'you' is the BPD and how much is your actual personality. Abuse is never acceptable, BPD or not, and staying may give him carte blanche to use his condition as an excuse to treat you badly. At the end of the day, we still know right from wrong, and what is and is not acceptable conduct in a relationship. I'm very happily married- my husband and I figured out our boundaries early on and have agreed to go for relationship counselling if ever we need it. He also tells me if I'm being out of order and my behaviour is impacting on him. It really depends on whether you feel like you can be brutally honest about what you need from the relationship and whether you believe he can stick to it, as well as if you believe he will engage with treatment for the BPD. From my point of view, I would be devastated if someone I loved thought I was being abusive towards them and I would do everything I could to correct that behaviour. You need to make sure you put yourself first, as dealing with a borderline can be exhausting and draining.

I was diagnosed with EUPD (more modern name for BPD) a few years ago. I am on lots of meds and did a year of DBT. It all helped massively. My mood is good most of the time, I'm less anxious and I can get a good night's sleep thanks to the meds. DBT introduced me to Mindfulness which really helps and you learn skills to help with distress tolerance, emotion regulation and interpersonal skills. You have to be very committed and practice the skills if you want it to help. I still struggle at times but am so much better.

That being said I'm not sure at all a lot of things you mention are anything to do with EUPD. Lying and accusing you of things I don't think is common with EUPD and the cheating neither - although I suppose that could be impulsiveness. Myself and all my EUPD friends are all women so it could perhaps show differently in men

My advice would be to take things very slowly and see how it goes. You may find there are things you just can't get over (speaking from experience). The therapy will take time and finding the right mess and right doses. You won't see a big change for a while. Concentrate on your self and DC and lots of self care.

I wish you all well whatever happens.

@funnylittlefloozie - a personality disorder does not mean your personality is disordered and it is who you are and won't change. That is a common misconception. With EUPD it is your thoughts and learned behaviours that are disordered. And just as you learned them before you can learn new thoughts and behaviours. This of course depends on the right meds and therapy and the commitment of the person. Relationships don't always end in tears. I had a long marriage to my DC's dad and now been in a relationship for almost 4 years.

@5475878237NC - I disagree. My medication has solved a lot of things. It has solved my problem with sleep, it has helped my anxiety and it has stabilised my mood and lifted my depression. Therapy is important too but medication is a big part.

@Rinoachicken - thank you for your post. As a person with EUPD it is so hard reading all the misinformation. Manipulation is not part of the disorder. Treatment is possible and can work. We have changes in our brains and we were often victims of abuse as DC as well as growing up in a non-validating environment. Many of us successfully commit suicide such is our pain. My EUPD friends are some of the kindest, caring and interesting people I have ever met. Having EUPD is often described as having third degree burns in an emotional sense. It is extremely painful. But there is hope through medication and therapy!

@Rinoachicken - most of my friends and I have found that medication has helped enormously. But it can take time to find the right meds and right doses.

@GraduallyWatermelon - thank you. It is very hurtful to see these generalisations.

@TurquoiseLemur - I haven't damaged my DC, actually. But I was abused as a DC. This has contributed to me getting EUPD. I do the exact opposite of the abusive behaviour I received. You are being really hurtful by making these generalisations. We are people too and we are not all the same.

@TurquoiseLemur - being abusive and denying it is not part of the disorder. Just because you know abusive people who happen to have EUPD does not mean we are all abusive

@TurquoiseLemur - you know what people with EUPD are like because you know 2 people?! I'm sorry but you really know very little about the disorder.

OP you need to decide on your own experience with your husband and what’s best for you, and not on the diagnosis. It sounds as if you have made that decision and I wish you all the very best.

@TurquoiseLemur People with this type of disorder don't change. They are horrific to live with. While constantly playing the victim when talking to others, often very persuasively.

This is a deeply offensive comment and just incorrect. Why are you being so unpleasant and nasty?

Borderline Personality Disorder?

Run. Keep running, and never look back.