To leave husband who has BPD

[Cinders29]

For the past 12 years I've been in a controlling relationship. My husband was jealous , lied A LOT , had a bad temper, accused me of all sorts, extremely needy and wouldn't give me space , was unfaithful in the form of texting ( sexually ) to another woman ( girl ) he's also been extremely generous, loving, a great dad etc

I left and came back a few times. This time, it has been over 2 months. husband has moved out has his own place, in process of sorting divorce, financial matters.

He's been in a bit of a mess since we broke up, I've been a lot stronger than before and although it's true I am in still in love with him, I know I cannot live like this anymore and I'm really enjoying my own space etc.

Anyway, in the last week he's been diagnosed with BPD ( borderline personality disorder ) which explains A LOT. He is now saying that he's been prescribed medication , starting therapy, meditating, stopped drinking ( he has not drank since we split tbf )he's confident he can and will feel better and is now asking me to support him and keeps saying 'I'll show you I can change, get better '

I've said I'll be there to chat to etc, but I can't promise it's going to make any difference to how I feel in the end and that he has to do it for him and not for me.

I've no idea how to navigate this and I feel guilty for continuing the separation now there is a 'reason' for all he's done.

My heads mashed, if anyone has any experience with BPD or just an opinion I'd be grateful. Thank you

I have “recovered” from BPD. It took a long, long time and it takes effort most days to react to things in a normal way. I’ve never acted so terribly towards my husband as your DP has to you though. Leave. Things will probably get worse during therapy, if therapy even works at all.

I would never encourage anyone to stay in a relationship with someone suffering from BPD - it will always end in tears.

People with this type of disorder don't change. They are horrific to live with.

People with BPD can’t and shouldn’t be summarised in offensive and cruel sweeping statements. I’m sorry you knew people with BPD that were unpleasant but it’s unfair to perpetuate this stigma.

Although he’s been diagnosed with BPD, if you weren’t married, would you be thinking differently? Just a thought.

Leave him. He has been abusive for 12 years. Go and live your life. Not accepting this shows he is still trying to control you.

He can’t blame everything on his diagnosis, he is over simplifying it and is not take any responsibility. As others have said it’s a chronic diagnosis that is hard to treat and recover from. Taking medication simply won’t cut it. He needs long term therapy and it takes time. There are no quick fixes! I think you’re best continuing with the split

@Trevsadick sorry to hear of your experience. But yes l feel that might be how this all plays out

Honestly? set yourself free once and for all.

I'd draw a line. I think you should look after your own welfare going forward, given what you've been through. Your DC should also be aware of what a good relationship looks like.

Stay where you are.
Your life is very important too, don't put yourself in the hands of someone who hurts you.
He now has a reason for his actions, it doesn't erase them you'll be a prisoner.

[quote Rinoachicken]@bitheby I think we may have been at the same conference![/quote]

Ha - I'm sure we were: Tuesday and Wednesday this week?

I'm not patient facing but I work in mental health on the management side of things and have been helping to set up a service for this client group.

Some people have had really horrific lives and have learnt to interact with the world in a way that doesn't always help them or other people. We can all learn new ways of relating but if you think about how hard it would be for any of us to learn new ways of dealing with distress and relating to people if someone suddenly told you the way you'd been doing things your whole life wasn't right. It would be hard for any of us to change and most of us don't have the extra challenges of BPD.

@AMistakePlusKeleven

I would never encourage anyone to stay in a relationship with someone suffering from BPD - it will always end in tears.

People with this type of disorder don't change. They are horrific to live with.

People with BPD can’t and shouldn’t be summarised in offensive and cruel sweeping statements. I’m sorry you knew people with BPD that were unpleasant but it’s unfair to perpetuate this stigma.

Silly me, I forgot. Narcissism is the only personality disorder that is allowed to be casually diagnosed and condemned on Mumsnet.

@bitheby yep that’s the one!

My ex was very abusive and I heard all the crap about change plenty of times. I tried to give it another go with him behind everyone in my life’s back because I new they wouldn’t approve, which made me so stressed out.
Now my advice to you is, if you want to try again then do so BUT DO NOT GIVE UP TBE LIFE YOU HAVE MADE SINCE YOU SPLIT. Once you do so there is a risk it will go back to how it was before. Great that he is medicated and getting help, but you do not heal over night (neither of you do) and it’s so easy to slip back into old habits. No one can tell you what is right you need to go with your gut, just don’t give up your new life. Good luck

Have you seen proof of his diagnosis, or even that he’s seen anyone? What medications has he been prescribed?

My exh has bpd..

Can i recommend you look up the freedom program. It helped me understand that he was abusive not just struggling with Mh

@GraduallyWatermelon

People with this type of disorder don't change. They are horrific to live with.

I don't have BPD but plenty of people using mumsnet will. Please think carefully about who's going to see what you've written - it's a huge generalisation of a group of people with wide ranging symptoms and recovery journeys and loved ones who live perfectly fine with them.

Show me someone who lives "perfectly fine" with someone who has BPD. You are fooling yourself.

I have thought carefully, thank you very much. I grew up with a parent like this. I have had a friend who was (and still is, by all accounts) like this. Talk of "recovery journeys" is political correctness gone mad. People with BPD act in ways that are abusive. They damage their partners, they damage their children. (Then they deny that they have done so, obviously, that is part of the disorder.)

There's lots of discussion in our society nowadays about abuse. Most people agree it's a bad thing, that the effects on the abused are dire, often lifelong. But when we get actual EXAMPLES of people on here who are abusive, suddenly it's all "Be kind" and "They can't help it, they have a mental health condition."

If someone with BPD or any other mental health condition works hard with professionals to help their behaviour, great. That does not alter the fact of the disorder. And it definitely doesn't mean that their partners/children/friends/colleagues are morally obliged to stay with them. Any more than the partner, children etc of an alcoholic or drug addict are morally obliged to.

@AMistakePlusKeleven

I would never encourage anyone to stay in a relationship with someone suffering from BPD - it will always end in tears.

People with this type of disorder don't change. They are horrific to live with.

People with BPD can’t and shouldn’t be summarised in offensive and cruel sweeping statements. I’m sorry you knew people with BPD that were unpleasant but it’s unfair to perpetuate this stigma.

It isn't a stigma, this is what people with BPD are like.

Understating it, minimising it, has two consequences. The person with BPD gets validated in damaging behaviour. And the people they are damaging don't get the support they desperately need.

My father having BPD and being unpleasant were not two distinct things with no relationship to another: the awful behaviour was entwined with the disorder.

You are minimising abuse. That is not okay.

I don't have BPD but plenty of people using mumsnet will. Please think carefully about who's going to see what you've written - it's a huge generalisation of a group of people with wide ranging symptoms and recovery journeys and loved ones who live perfectly fine with them

Yep, this. I have BPD, as do several of my friends who I met in hospital, therapy etc.
Not everyone with BPD is a ragey mess that blames other people for everything. Some of us reflect that rage inward onto ourselves. Seeing some of the comments in this thread is heartbreaking. I have spent years in therapy to try and work on myself. According to some, I should just be written off and stay single forever.

BPD is more about therapy than medication. If it's someone you love or not someone with BPD is hard work.

Initial therapy used to be for around 18 months.

I had a friend growing up in tbe days before what she had had a name. She repeatedly lied and manipulated me. If I could go back in time I'd have set much firmer boundaries

"I would never encourage anyone to stay in a relationship with someone suffering from BPD - it will always end in tears.

People with this type of disorder don't change. They are horrific to live with.

People with BPD can’t and shouldn’t be summarised in offensive and cruel sweeping statements. I’m sorry you knew people with BPD that were unpleasant but it’s unfair to perpetuate this stigma.

It isn't a stigma, this is what people with BPD are like."

This is ABSOLUTELY stigma. I was diagnosed nearly 15 years ago. I have a 10 year relationship. I have been in recovery for 12 years. I have a very senior position where I am responsible for the care of a huge number of young people (and my employer is FULLY aware of my diagnosis). I would no longer meet the DSM criteria because I continue to engage with medication and the therapeutic strategies have become entirely embedded in my day to day life. But according to some of these posts I am to be avoided at all costs.

None of this negates the fact that, for YOU OP, there has been too much damage done. Frankly, the treatment process is so long and difficult that he would need to be a good year+ in before I would consider going anywhere near.

Show me someone who lives "perfectly fine" with someone who has BPD. You are fooling yourself.
I mean, I literally do. I would write all the reasons how I do, but I don’t owe anything to assholes on the internet who want to make sweeping generalisations of people they don’t know. Did you know BPD has one of the highest suicide rates of mental health problems? Around 10%. Plenty of people with BPD will be reading your shitty comments on this thread. There’s no excuse for abuse whatsoever I totally agree. Pretty funny though as you’re literally abusing people online telling them they’re awful because of something they were born with. I work incredibly hard every day to live a normal life and I’m in a really good place but there are people in a bad place reading your comments.

I would never encourage anyone to stay in a relationship with someone suffering from BPD - it will always end in tears. People with this type of disorder don't change. They are horrific to live with.
You should have added in your opinion.
This is a disgracefully cruel and sweeping statement. In this particular case I think the OP should continue the separation from her DH, he sounds vile and abusive. He also sounds like the sort of person who will be using his diagnosis as a continued reason to control OP.

BUT I only know one (teenager) with BPD. She turned all the rage inwards and struggled enormously with suicidal thoughts (and attempts) - she’s been through years of treatment/therapy, a lot as an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital. For her to read that she will always be horrific to live with, and won’t change, well I imagine this sort of ignorance and hatred could undo a lot of good work on dealing with the disorder. You’ve clearly had dealings with people with BPD which are very negative but already several posters on here have shown that you CAN lead a good life with positive relationships. Your statement is akin to ‘all people with autism are unfeeling robots’ - basically it’s a load of bollocks.

Mental health social worker here, as well as a person who has divorced an abusive man with a personality disorder

BPD (we call it EUPD now - emotionally unstable personality disorder) is life wrecking for those around the person. There is no clinical evidence that meds can cure it. Low dosages of anti-psychotics can help a little with the emotional regulation. It is hard even for us as professionals to support the person, because the nature of the illness and how it occurs is that it is rooted in broken attachments and childhood trauma, and that makes the person do everything in their power to bring you in and keep you (too) close, or push you away and hurt you.

It is treatable. People can recover, or at least live with it. But it is a long long long road. The therapy for it is DBT - dialectical behavioural therapy. In my trust there is a 1.5 year waiting list, if you even have high enough risks to get onto the therapy list. It’s then 6 months - 1 year of very intense therapy - 1-1 and group every single week.
It relies on the person working really, really hard.

Additionally, BPD is not an excuse for abuse. Have a read of ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft.
I have a very good friend who has BPD and she is the most kind, caring, loving person you could ever meet.

TLDR:
He will be in treatment for years and it still might not be successful

BPD doesn’t excuse being an abuser, people make choices

You don’t need permission to do whatever you choose in your life.
PM me if you want to talk x

To add,
Often people with EUPD harm themselves rather than others, which is why it is such a devastating and high risk disorder.

I know some Truly amazing people living with BPD - social workers like me, mental health nurses, senior business people - who are some of the kindest and most empathetic people because they get it, totally.

Some posters on this thread are absolutely to be applauded, I know how hard you must have worked to get where you are.

Does BPD make people controlling or jealous? Can this be sorted through medication.

If I was you I'd not commit to anything, if you are really feeling like you're considering it then talk to support groups, find out what other people's experiences have been when getting medication, are his behaviour as a result of BPD or is he just an abusive arsehole with BPD