To leave husband who has BPD

[Cinders29]

For the past 12 years I've been in a controlling relationship. My husband was jealous , lied A LOT , had a bad temper, accused me of all sorts, extremely needy and wouldn't give me space , was unfaithful in the form of texting ( sexually ) to another woman ( girl ) he's also been extremely generous, loving, a great dad etc

I left and came back a few times. This time, it has been over 2 months. husband has moved out has his own place, in process of sorting divorce, financial matters.

He's been in a bit of a mess since we broke up, I've been a lot stronger than before and although it's true I am in still in love with him, I know I cannot live like this anymore and I'm really enjoying my own space etc.

Anyway, in the last week he's been diagnosed with BPD ( borderline personality disorder ) which explains A LOT. He is now saying that he's been prescribed medication , starting therapy, meditating, stopped drinking ( he has not drank since we split tbf )he's confident he can and will feel better and is now asking me to support him and keeps saying 'I'll show you I can change, get better '

I've said I'll be there to chat to etc, but I can't promise it's going to make any difference to how I feel in the end and that he has to do it for him and not for me.

I've no idea how to navigate this and I feel guilty for continuing the separation now there is a 'reason' for all he's done.

My heads mashed, if anyone has any experience with BPD or just an opinion I'd be grateful. Thank you

I'm sorry for what you have been through OP but from my experience a partner with this condition made both our lives a living hell. He promised to change with lifestyle, meds,therapy but nothing did change and he had zero insight. Knowing there was a " reason" for his highly abusive behaviour did not make it right.I would advise you to carry on the path to freedom that you have started already.

Firm boundaries. If he's certain he can prove to you he can be different, consistently...then that's something, but no third, fourth, fifth chances. It's just exhausting, as you would well know.
Hugs to you OP. Hope it turns out happily.

@Mooey89 if you are a mental health social worker, surely you know that BPD is not always rooted in broken attachments and childhood trauma and can be genetic.

@AMistakePlusKeleven

Show me someone who lives "perfectly fine" with someone who has BPD. You are fooling yourself. I mean, I literally do. I would write all the reasons how I do, but I don’t owe anything to assholes on the internet who want to make sweeping generalisations of people they don’t know. Did you know BPD has one of the highest suicide rates of mental health problems? Around 10%. Plenty of people with BPD will be reading your shitty comments on this thread. There’s no excuse for abuse whatsoever I totally agree. Pretty funny though as you’re literally abusing people online telling them they’re awful because of something they were born with. I work incredibly hard every day to live a normal life and I’m in a really good place but there are people in a bad place reading your comments.

There are also lots of people in a bad place having been in a family with someone who has BPD. People married or in a relationship with such a person and having their basic wellbeing slowly eroded.

Yes, I do know about the high suicide rates with BPD. That doesn't mean that anyone with it (or anyone else either, obvs) is owed a relationship or entitled to screw up their children.

Frankly, I think MN shouldn't put up threads like this because they inevitably become swamped by people with BPD shouting about how they are being victimized. And also swamped by people who are well-meaning but who really don't know what the practical realities of BPD so often are and who, due to that, enable that victim narrative.

@TheTruthAndNothingButTheTruth

You’re right, that was simplistic for the purposes of the thread.

It is an overlap between ‘a genetic predisposition’ and an ‘invalidating childhood’ - generally speaking this is from trauma, neglect, sexual abuse, some kind of unmet needs. It can also be lack of emotional warmth from parents, inconsistent care givers, something as ‘minor’ in terms of unmet needs as having an unwell sibling who took up all of your parents attention.

When they overlap, the predisposition, and the invalidating environment, people can develop EUPD.

People can experience childhood trauma and not develop BPD, people can have a genetic predisposition and not develop BPD. It’s the overlap.

Does that clarify things or would you like me to explain further?

He's still an abusive asshole, just one with a diagnosis.

Do NOT go back.

YOU owe him NOTHING.

He is trying to control from a distance.

Move on with YOUR life.

I alluded to it in my last post. But, I the hope the OP is still reading this.

2 months of counselling, privately, is not usually enough to get a diagnosis of bdp and get straight on medication that magically fixes it after a week of diagnosis. There's so much more to learning to live with BPD.

Op, I am really concerned that he is lying about this. I didn't want to say it outright before, incase it upset you. But after thinking about it, I felt guilty for not being straight and saying it clearly.

The stigmatising comments here are awful. I'm sorry if you have had bad experiences with people with BPD, or been abused by People with BPD. It does happen, and no one should ever feel they need to stay with an abuser.But you cannot generalise us all and say we all harm those around us.

You may not believe it but if you met me you would never guess I have BPD. I have turned all of the turmoil of my condition inwards, part of the reason I'm considered "high functioning" is because I mask well. I do not abuse my husband and never have- he is very happy, understanding and supportive and has his own mental health struggles. We are both empathetic people who have used our experiences to fuel a drive to help others.

Cinders my heart goes out to you. I'm in the process of divorcing a BPD husband that I'm still in love with. Therapy and meds really helped him and will continue too, but it didn't change everything that was no longer good with our relationship.
We are friends and I consider that more valuable and far less frustrating than life with him as a partner.

If you want to PM, happy to chat.

All the best

Run & don't look back. I'm a MH nurse & BPD are just taxing in every respect

To add, Often people with EUPD harm themselves rather than others, which is why it is such a devastating and high risk disorder.

Yeah, because watching your mum cut open her wrist when she thinks your dad is going to leave her (he wasn’t, he left the house during an argument because it is impossible to have a rational conversation with her) doesn’t hurt or affect anyone else but her, right.

She has zero self awareness into how her behaviours affect others. Zero. Because it is all about her and her “pain”.

@Mooey89 or you can have genetic pre-disposition, no trauma and still develop BPD. There does not have to be an overlap. Does that clarify or shall explain further?

Great that he's making strides to improve himself. But that doesn't make it your responsibility. You're not his rehab. Frankly he should have done this years ago.

You have taken the steps you have for a reason.
Even if you do still love him will you ever truly trust he won't slip back to his abusive ways? What about the kids? Do they deserve to live like that?
Many people are happier in a friendly relationship once divorced. But you don't have to be his crutch.....
Do what makes you happy, lifes too short 💐

No no no no no. He will not ever change. You have done the right thing, stay away!

@TheTruthAndNothingButTheTruth
Can you please share your clinical source?
Only I need to pass that information onto the psychiatrists, psychologists and educators within my trust.

@cinders29 I wish you well in whatever decision you make. This thread has already descended into a hot bed of debate, please pm me if you'd like to talk in private. I have a partner diagnosed with BPD 6 years ago, 2 years of private DBT therapy (initially twice a week, then once a week) and in his psychiatrists words 'he would no longer fit the diagnostic criteria at this point, which is our goal for BPD patients'. We have a very happy marriage by and large, sometimes there is a hiccup in his recovery but he's certainly 'easier' to live with at this point than my ex who had garden variety depression and anxiety.

However the abuse, unfaithfulness and control etc is not something we ever had to deal with, and I would be mindful that he can be a nasty person with BPD, not a nasty person because of BPD. In your shoes personally I'd continue to leave, just because this is the story of his life it doesn't have to be the story of yours. There is a book called 'stop walking on eggshells' about dealing with someone in your life with bpd, in the early days after diagnosis it really helped me put in place boundaries, and those boundaries actually helped him as well to see what behaviour was neuro typical, and what was the bpd voice. I would recommend it even if you continue to separate as while you co-parent a child he will still very much be in your life, and it is possibly even more important to have those boundaries in place once you are apart.

I've been in your shoes with a late diagnosis of my now ex partner. I had 14 years of hell living with him. I ended it 6 months ago and to be honest it's the best thing I ever did. Don't let yourself be a crutch anymore or he will continue to expect it. Live your life and be free and happy!

I'm sorry but no man who treats a woman this way, is a 'great dad'. I actually cringe when I read this.

Wow ! Thanks so much for all the comments. To answer a few Qs

He's been prescribed duloxetine.

I don't think he's lying, I mean it does add but then I suppose I won't know for sure.

He had his first therapy session it went well a d she told him she doesn't really wanna hear about me, but about him and working on him. Which I think is a good start.

@Mooey89 I’m sure they will appreciate you sharing your discovery although I suspect
they might already know. www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder/ Last paragraph of
Subheading ‘What causes BPD’.

Ironic that those who are spouting such vile stigmatising sweeping generalisation bollocks about people with BPD are themselves beautifully illustrating what happens when people fail to regulate their emotional responses.

Perhaps reflect on that?

Ugh, this thread is getting nasty now. OP, I just wanted to echo what many posters have already said - it's far too soon to get back with him, he's only just been diagnosed and there's a long road ahead.
I also agree that MH issues are no excuse for abuse. One of my oldest friends was diagnosed with BPD nearly 20 years ago. She's had some difficult times, but it hasn't stopped her from being in a LT relationship and being a great Mum. She's never abused her partner nor children, her rage and unhappiness were directed towards herself. She didn't start a family until she'd been in treatment for several years, because her children's welfare is her priority.
Please be very careful and don't rush back into a relationship with your DH.

@cinders29 I don't want to labour the point.

But duloxotine isn't just used for BPD. It can be prescribed for all sorts. Including nerve pain.

It also doesn't work within a week. So any promises don't mean anything. He could even have it, but not actually diagnosed with it because he hasn engaged help for long enough.

Tell a therapy patient that you want to hear about them, not everyone else, is fairly common in early sessions. For anything. Get to know the patient, then about how these other things relate.

All I am saying is, that his diagnosis seems to have been really easy, which does happen, but often it's more difficult. Medication doesn't fix the issue alone, so Amy promises he is making now, are things he can't stick to.

I juts find it highly strange that he got a quick diagnosis for something that he can now use to justify his previous behaviour. And now has something he can use as a bargaining chip to hold over you.

I mean, is it classed as abuse as such if someone has a disorder. Sorry, I know it makes sense that it is, but it does feel unfair calling it that as he can't actually help it. Or can he? I've no idea.

Abuse is abuse, regardless of the reason. He can't necessarily help how he feels (therapy might help with that) but he can help how he behaves. If he was acting impulsively, but didn't mean it once he was out of 'the moment' there'd be remorse and apologies. It doesn't sound like that happened. Even if he was remorseful and apologized, it still doesn't mean you have to stay and repeatedly accept the behaviour because 'he can't help it'.

If I 'couldn't help' repeatedly hurting someone I loved (or frankly someone I didn't) I'd have sought help to change my behaviour, because I'm not ok with being someone who hurts others.

Someone with dementia who thinks you're an attacker because they don't recognize you as someone who lives with them and hits you over the head with a blunt object can't help how they feel and their behaviour, to their own mind, in that moment is justified. Still doesn't make it ok or mean you have to put up with it.

People with personality disorders can change if they want to and put the work in to do so. Maybe they won't be cured completely in some cases, but they can't make improvements. It takes a long time though and lots of effort on their part.

You're not responsible for your STBXH. Decide for yourself how much support, if any, you're able and willing to offer and don't be sucked into giving more of yourself than you can or want to give. If you don't want to support him there's no need to feel guilty.

Sounds like you leaving him has been the catalyst for him realising he needs help. That's good, for him and those he interacts with. But it was his decision to stick his head in the sand before, refuse to acknowledge his behaviour as abusive (plenty of information online for anyone questioning their own behaviour) and get help sooner. All the while life was working out fine for him he chose to stay as he was. The fact he doesn't like the consequences of his actions and has decided to try to alter the end result, doesn't mean you now have to go along with what he wants and give him a one hundred and second chance.