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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bringing wine to a dinner party etiquette

257 replies

WellLarDeDar · 17/06/2021 14:37

I was brought up being told that if you go to someone's house for dinner you take something nice like wine or flowers etc because it's good manners. If I took wine to someone else's house I would expect them to either store it and have it when they felt like it, or pop it open and we drink it together.

DH and I were trying to make friends in a new area and invited a couple over for dinner - I met the husband through work, we got along really well so I invited them both over. The wife came in and handed me a bottle of wine and I was like oh thank you would you like a glass (yes obviously), went to the kitchen and poured four glasses of it and handed them out and great. Throughout dinner we were opening more bottles (provided by us) and then afterwards we settled in the lounge and the wife went 'oh I'd like some of our wine now.' and made a comment about our wine being sweet. Admittedly I do love Riesling and it is sweet but I had this sinking feeling... because we'd already drunk it together and she obviously didnt realize and I suddenly felt like a naughty child that had eaten all of someone else's Halloween candy and had that dreaded stomach pit feeling when you've just been caught out and have to own up. It was super awkward and I said 'i think that's all gone, we drank it all' and she went '...oh' and the look on her face...I could be wrong but we got the impression that she brought the wine for her and my colleague to drink...but not for me and DH and we shouldn't have drunk it :S she spent the rest of the evening furiously texting and not talking and I felt so embarrassed

Was I really rude to have poured DH and I a glass? I get at a big group bbq or house party people sometimes bring their own stuff but I didnt think that would be the case for a small four person dinner party. If you're over for dinner and hand me some wine I'm gona say let's all have a glass :S Crap. I'm 30 and feel like I have no idea how to adult!

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 18/06/2021 18:49

Sounds like she didn't recognise her own wine in her desperation to criticise your "sweet" wine.

a1poshpaws · 18/06/2021 18:53

Wow! Texting as a dinner party guest? That's so unbelievably rude - I bet your colleague was secretly mortified. I'd never, ever have contact with her again!

RainbowOctopus · 18/06/2021 19:02

Apparently it’s rude to take a bottle or wine or food to a dinner party because it could insult the host and suggest they make unfit choices. That said, I’m with you, I always take a bottle of wine and/or flowers. I do try to take flowers that don’t need immediate attention in case the host is super busy, like a pot plant or those ones that come with a bag of water.
The idea that the host then store said bottle of wine for my own consumption would be very alien to me!
If I’ve handed it over then it has become a gift and no longer mine!
Maybe something went wrong for her personally and that’s why she was eggy and social inept for the rest of the evening. It’s not like she was texting anyone that would side with her madness surely!

cherish123 · 18/06/2021 19:43

No. She was rude and should have realised her mistake.

mussymummy · 18/06/2021 20:04

She was rude, very very rude. I have a group of friends, only 1 drinks red wine. When she comes to our houses, she brings a bottle of red for her, and either flowers or prosecco for the host.

Gilly12345 · 18/06/2021 20:06

No you weren’t rude at all in fact I think she was the rude one for acting like a spoilt child on her phone.

purplebunny2012 · 18/06/2021 20:06

You did right, she was quite rude

Plunger · 18/06/2021 20:19

She wasn't rude but ignorant of the wine they had bought! Thought for what ever reason their wine was for 'after'. Hadn't even clicked that the first wine was 'sweet' - basically will down everything whether sweet/dry etc. Wine snob but basically hasn't a clue🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🤣

Weareallvirgins · 18/06/2021 20:31

Dismiss this wench from your life. Dragged up by wolves clearly!!!! @WellLarDeDar

Youdoyoutoday · 18/06/2021 20:40
  1. Who only brings 1 bottle of wine?
  2. "Texting furiously" is just rude beyond belief!!

Don't invite them again!

Isaidnomorecrisps · 18/06/2021 20:42

Riesling is delicious! Don’t ever think it’s you! Some people are just tricky. Thank goodness you and your DH aren’t. Wish I’d been at your dinner - although definitely couldn’t have downed four bottles of wine !!

purplebunny2012 · 18/06/2021 20:49

@khakiandcoral

Secondly, it's quite normal to bring a soft drink if you're not drinking, Confused

I do live in a different world than some MN posters. Not only it's not normal anywhere I go, but in some places it would be very rude against the host.

You are telling them you don't trust them to cater properly for their guests, who does that!

If you have any manner, you drink what is offered to you, or water.

It's not rude if it's only things you don't like. I would be extremely put out if there was only red wine or water on offer (I just don't like drinking water, and don't drink red). How is it rude to be aware of your own tastes because you are, unfortunately, picky? I'd definitely bring something on the off-chance
Chickoletta · 18/06/2021 21:14

YANBU about her manners but YABU to only serve Riesling.

retirementrocks · 18/06/2021 21:23

Rude. Or pissed?

SallyWD · 18/06/2021 21:52

You were perfectly nournal to pour you all a glass. It would have been very weird to put just her and her partner a glass. In fact that would seemed rude - like you didn't think their wine was good enough. I think her reaction was because she'd just criticised the wine you'd already had and then found out some of the wine was from them! She probably felt embarrassed. To spend the rest of the night texting is incredibly rude. I would never do that at a dinner party. I think you can find nicer friends than her!

Tigger1895 · 18/06/2021 22:10

If she wanted to drink her own wine throughout the night then she should have brought more than one bottle. Most people that don’t like the wine served would just move onto water

Scottsy100 · 18/06/2021 22:39

If she meant it specifically for her due to certain wine tastes then she should have specified that on arrival, other than that it’s communal wine and she’s a CF

Bleachmycloths · 18/06/2021 22:45

She was probably a bit p*ssed when she said she’d t 😄

Mothership4two · 19/06/2021 00:36

I was taught that you shouldn't drink the wine brought by the guests and only offer your own. We're a bit more flexible than that, but I wouldn't open it straight away just drink our own first.

However, my dm does get sniffy if she takes a decent bottle of wine to dinner or a party and it is taken and replaced with a crappy glass of wine - which I understand. She's not a wine snob and doesn't buy the really expensive stuff.

OP your friend was very rude

TinaTurnoff · 19/06/2021 00:53

Guests should arrive with good grace and let the host know in advance if they’ve any peculiarities. I only ever offer wine and buy say six identical reds and identical whites, and offer tap and sparkling water; maybe 24x bottles of beer depending on who’s invited. I’ve had guests arrive with their own Diet Coke or gin and tonic. I’ve had one guest (neighbour) who nipped home to get a slab of cans when we ran out of beer. There’s no way I’d provide a full bar of choice - can’t afford it and I don’t want to be left with stock I don’t want!

For people I know well, I ask them to bring what they want, and bring home what’s left of it. So if you want Grey Goose and slimline, when invited to a very normal, modest home, bring your own and I’ll be delighted you’re happy.

FortVictoria · 19/06/2021 04:22

OP - you sound lovely, she sounds vile. She was incredibly rude, with both the wine and the texting.

TheWashingMachine · 19/06/2021 05:40

How rude. My DH hardly ever drinks the wine brought around at the time as he says you put that away and drink what you planned and what goes best with the meal.

BouleBaker · 19/06/2021 06:02

She was rude, you sound like a lovely host. Nothing wrong with Reisling either.

I do despair at the people on this thread declaring that bringing X or Y is very rude, or that certain gifts have to be dealt with in certain ways. As we can see from this thread, there are huge differences in these arbitrary rules. My only rule is that the host should try and cater to their guests, and as long as everyone is polite, no-one should be afraid to express preferences, or have to drink water rather than say "actually I really struggle to drink that wine, would you mind if I had X instead".

Ddot · 19/06/2021 07:11

CF that only applies if you bring something specific for allergies or vegan and you have to say so. Very rude very ignorant not a lady likes I am.

Dalgleish · 19/06/2021 08:25

YANBU but sometimes people have just been brought up with different etiquette and values, so I wouldn't be so harsh as other posters by saying that she was being rude. It's clearly a misunderstanding. I'd just message her and explain how you feel and say you think it's a misunderstanding. Just say that in your circles, people often gift bottles of wine at dinner parties, and you had assumed, perhaps wrongly, that it was a gift, then apologise for the misunderstanding. I imagine she will apologise too. Job done. Then you will know next time that they are bringing the wine for themselves and not as a gift. Seems a silly thing to fall out over, especially if you like them, so if it were me I'd sort it if I could.