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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Bringing wine to a dinner party etiquette

257 replies

WellLarDeDar · 17/06/2021 14:37

I was brought up being told that if you go to someone's house for dinner you take something nice like wine or flowers etc because it's good manners. If I took wine to someone else's house I would expect them to either store it and have it when they felt like it, or pop it open and we drink it together.

DH and I were trying to make friends in a new area and invited a couple over for dinner - I met the husband through work, we got along really well so I invited them both over. The wife came in and handed me a bottle of wine and I was like oh thank you would you like a glass (yes obviously), went to the kitchen and poured four glasses of it and handed them out and great. Throughout dinner we were opening more bottles (provided by us) and then afterwards we settled in the lounge and the wife went 'oh I'd like some of our wine now.' and made a comment about our wine being sweet. Admittedly I do love Riesling and it is sweet but I had this sinking feeling... because we'd already drunk it together and she obviously didnt realize and I suddenly felt like a naughty child that had eaten all of someone else's Halloween candy and had that dreaded stomach pit feeling when you've just been caught out and have to own up. It was super awkward and I said 'i think that's all gone, we drank it all' and she went '...oh' and the look on her face...I could be wrong but we got the impression that she brought the wine for her and my colleague to drink...but not for me and DH and we shouldn't have drunk it :S she spent the rest of the evening furiously texting and not talking and I felt so embarrassed

Was I really rude to have poured DH and I a glass? I get at a big group bbq or house party people sometimes bring their own stuff but I didnt think that would be the case for a small four person dinner party. If you're over for dinner and hand me some wine I'm gona say let's all have a glass :S Crap. I'm 30 and feel like I have no idea how to adult!

OP posts:
Bridezillamaybe · 17/06/2021 17:35

Everything about her behaviour is rude, you did nothing wrong.

Posters here are ridiculous. How many times have you explained you offered a variety of drinks? Even if you didn't, she was still way out of line demanding her wine back. Let's imagine for argument's sake that she was on 'bring your own' vibe and assumed hers was being left for her then why on earth had she downed 1.5 bottles of wine already?

Vile woman.

I've a friend who does stuff like this; arrives with some alcohol which she keeps to herself while drinking all the shared stuff. Nobody else does this and somehow it always seems impossible to call her out on it.
She came to visit when I lived in another city with her then new boyfriend. They were a match made in heaven. They decided to stay for two nights despite only having arranged for one and bizarrely arrived with another friend in tow and suggested she 'sleep in with me'. I said no, no way and a frosty tension settled and stayed for the weekend. We went out the first night, I had relaxed a bit. I treated them to a casual dinner out the second mighty after making breakfast and lunch in mine. We went for a few drinks afterwards and back to mine. Her boyfriend took a bottle of spirits, some mixer then walked into the kitchen reappearing with two glasses and pouring one for each of them, leaving me, the host out.

starfishmummy · 17/06/2021 17:36

@chipsandgin

(& the only time it’s acceptable to bring your own drinks is if you’re pregnant, teetotal or have allergies & would presumably explain that when you presented them..)
I'm more or less teetotal so I'd take a gift wine for the hosts to open whenever they want and I'd take something for me to drink and normally enough of that to share.
OchonAgusOchonOh · 17/06/2021 17:38

@ShirleyPhallus

I imagine the face of the host who carefully selected and prepared beautiful wines to go with the food, only to be told to open the white will you! Brilliant.

I don’t think the average person “selects and prepares beautiful wines” to go alongside their dinner!

Most dinner parties I've been to, the host selects the wine to go with the food.I always do too. It makes a massive difference.

That said, if a guest didn't like the one I was offering, I would have no problem offering something else.

ClaudiaWankleman · 17/06/2021 17:44

well, you might find the OP's guest perfectly normal
I never said I did - she was rude.

I said it was normal to bring a soft drink to drink, which it is.

khakiandcoral · 17/06/2021 17:53

@ClaudiaWankleman

well, you might find the OP's guest perfectly normal I never said I did - she was rude.

I said it was normal to bring a soft drink to drink, which it is.

and I said that I have never seen any guest bringing soft drink, whether I was hosting or another guest 🤷

Unless it was specifically organised that way, guests bring a gift to the host, not their own stuff.

Grastenia · 17/06/2021 17:57

I think she just likes a good whine.

honeylulu · 17/06/2021 18:01

What a rude woman! Wine is for the host to do as they wish. Whether that's offering it round or treating it as a gift to enjoy themselves another time. A couple of times I've been invited to a celebration meal at someone's house, taken a nice bottle of chilled champagne, only to see it whisked away but that's exactly what you need to be prepared might happen.

The only time I've felt slightly annoyed is when we were supposed to meet a group of friends out for drinks and a meal. One if the group always prefers to stay home but wants us to go to her. She said she'd do some drinks and food if we met at her house. Went round, me and another friend took a bottle of wine each. Oh how lovely thank you said hostess and put them in the cupboard. We were offered tea, biscuits and peanuts!

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 17/06/2021 18:07

I'm a bit flummoxed by the idea of he hosts dictating what the guests drink though.

My approach is to choose a couple of nice wines that I think would go nicely with the meal (we enjoy good wine, so would always have a very nice selection in regardless). When the guests arrive I say "I've cooked X, and we thought one of these would go nicely with it, which would you prefer?" That way they get to choose, but both wines are entirely appropriate to the planned meal.

If I know someone is teetotal, I ask them in advance if they'd like me to get anything in.

If someone says they would really rather have vodka tonic or whisky or whatever, I'll happily serve it. My aim is for the guests to enjoy themselves.

If someone brings a bottle it will get put aside. If it turns into a boozy night it might get drunk later on, but usually not.

The only scenario where a guest would bring a bottle and reserve it for themselves would be in the case of allergy or intolerance to normal wine/beer. That would be fair enough imo, as we don't normally have 'non-standard' drinks in the house.

khakiandcoral · 17/06/2021 18:09

I'm a bit flummoxed by the idea of he hosts dictating what the guests drink though.

do you offer a selection of meals too, or are you "dictating" what the guests eat?

khakiandcoral · 17/06/2021 18:10

Grastenia

Grin Grin

BaronessOfTheNorth · 17/06/2021 18:14

No definitely not being unreasonable! If I took wine to a dinner party I would expect it would be shared or kept by the host if they had set wines they were serving with each dish. Bringing a bottle is a gift that the host gets to share if that's what they want (it usually is).

I haven't been to a dinner party in a while but I expect the rules haven't changed.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 17/06/2021 18:17

@khakiandcoral

I'm a bit flummoxed by the idea of he hosts dictating what the guests drink though.

do you offer a selection of meals too, or are you "dictating" what the guests eat?

I usually ask in advance if there's anything they don't like or can't eat. Isn't that basically the same thing?

I'm allergic to nuts, and would always make a host aware in advance. It's just courtesy, surely, to make sure everyone can have a lovely meal together.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 17/06/2021 18:20

But i was mainly responding to the previous posts about expecting guests to drink water if they don't like the wine you've selected.

That's utter madness imo - the entire point of a dinner party is to enjoy yourself, and a host that won't let guests enjoy themselves has failed, no matter how much they comply with what Debretts says.

The best manners are about making people comfortable.

And we always have plenty of nice wine in, and plenty of bottles of each type. It's no skin off my nose to drink the one the guest prefers, providing it suits the meal I've cooked.

khakiandcoral · 17/06/2021 18:23

But i was mainly responding to the previous posts about expecting guests to drink water if they don't like the wine you've selected.

that was in response to guests not liking the SOFT DRINKS on offer and bringing their own just in case...

But yes, I was always told to eat and drink what is offered to me (unless genuine allergy), and that it was beyond rude to tell your host "I don't like it".

Telling them "I am sure I won't like what you have prepared, so I have come prepared with my own" is a new one 😂

Vikingintraining · 17/06/2021 18:27

She was in the wrong and incredibly rude! You did nothing wrong and sound like a good host.
The way I was bought up: if you were invited to dinner you took along flowers and chocolates, or some other gift you know your host likes. You would not take wine because then your host would feel obliged to open it even if it didn't go with the dinner - and they would have already put thought into what wine they would be serving.
If you did give a gift of wine you would hand it over and discretely mention "this is a gift for you, don't open it today, put it away for another time".

AbstractHeart · 17/06/2021 18:35

Is she younger? Poorer? When I was a skint student it was the norm for people to bring whatever they wanted to drink and only drink that. I only transitioned to the more mature etiquette you described in my 20s (when my friends and I had more money and were able to provide our guests with dinner AND wine)

TattyDevine · 17/06/2021 18:49

This is a great thread! Lots of varied replies, which I love to read.

I think people have jumped on you a bit over Riesling, which is a bit unfair without doing an AIBU wine tasting event where we taste your Riesling and judge it based on how sweet it was or wasn't, and the strength of our migraine. Damn these Covid regs or I'd be right on that and we'd all have a fantastic time!

She was rude. She may have felt miffed - but not for a truly valid reason where she needed to make it so obvious. Perhaps she missed the fact that her wine was consumed rapidly, perhaps quite a lot of wine was consumed by this stage (where's my invite? I'd love to come to yours!) and forgot her manners, perhaps she's not a very nice person. You didn't make any major error at all by the sounds of it - it sounds like you were proactive in organising this get together and were an attentive and generous host. The finer details of what wine from who with what and all of that can just vary from person to person, but there was no major breach of etiquette here from you, of that I am sure - you have explained over and over that you didn't just offer Riesling.

But it has brought out some great stories of cheeky fuckers, and I have some of these in my middle-outer circle. We had a girly get together drinks one night at my friends house, who has to watch her money. Another friend who also has to watch her money turned up with half a bottle of red, saw Prosecco open already, drank that, and took her half bottle home!

Same cheeky fucker friend once texted me to ask if I fancied a BBQ on the weekend - at MY house. She had a joint of lamb that "needed eating" (read - had been in her freezer for the past year and a half). This would involve us cooking it on the BBQ, providing all the salad and side stuff and all the alcohol (because she brought the meat), leaving us with a pile of dishes, and no doubt bringing the remains of "her" lamb home with her afterwards, because that's how she rolls.

We politely declined. She has form for this kind of thing and all kinds of other amazingly hilarious stories including throwing credit cards at people across the table at "can we split the bill into 16 different amounts" type cringeworthy situations and storming off from one of my birthday get togethers because it didn't involve going back to my house and drinking the place dry after the fireworks (bonfire night and a Sunday night so I'd made it clear that it was just a quick drink and a lets go to the fireworks thing, which everyone else was happy with).

I wonder if she behaved the way she did because a certain amount of wine was consumed - you sound like a generous host. (I have a friend who if she drinks more than a couple of glasses has form for telling random people to fuck off).

Perhaps she's not that nice.

I hope she had the beer-fears the next day. But you tried, so good for you and please don't worry. And don't listen to some of the Hyacinths on here.

LikeTheOceansWeRise · 17/06/2021 18:53

Maybe she was pissed? Some people become real horrors after a few.

But YANBU OP, she was rude and you sound like a lovely host. Crack on with your Riesling!

Oblomov21 · 17/06/2021 18:56

"one bottle of wine doesnt go that far between four people if they're heavy drinkers."

No. At a dinner party of 4 people 1 bottle doesn't go far, period, nothing to do with being a light or heavy drinker.

I never ever don't have enough. Scrimping on food, wine, anything is never nice.

VeganCheesePlease · 17/06/2021 18:57

Oh she was super rude. Its always the hosts choice to serve or save in my book. Sounds like she tainted a lovely evening with her getting on.

c9590 · 17/06/2021 19:02

I typically don't open the wine someone gives me as it's a gift. I wouldn't ask to drink what I gave to someone either. I'm a ceoliac and many drinks like beer or squashes contain gluten. I'd ask for water before I asked for the gift I brought.

Unless it's a Bring your own bottle kinda night. But again, I expect to share with others.

Sounds a touch selfish on the guests part to be honest. Sorry you had an awkward evening.

ZenNudist · 17/06/2021 19:04

She was rude. Don't feel bad.

I dont even use guest wine necessarily I 8se what I've got planned to go with dinner.

BeepBoopBop · 17/06/2021 19:34

@HeronLanyon

A friend of mine with huge wine cellar and who does choose wine quite carefully doesn’t turn a hair at someone saying they feel more like a vodka and tonic or whatever. To do anything else would be really poor. Also have to say ‘I agree with shirleyphallus’ as it needs to be said every now and then, eh?

I bet he does. He is just far too polite to show it.

My solution to the bring it/drink it/save it eternal dilemma is to just take either one bottle of chilled champagne to a small dinner or two proseccos to a larger gathering. Always goes down well 😉

Howshouldibehave · 17/06/2021 19:42

She was odd but sweet wine is truly horrid.

Chloemol · 17/06/2021 19:51

She was rude, not you

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