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Original poster

Bringing wine to a dinner party etiquette

257 replies

WellLarDeDar · 17/06/2021 14:37

I was brought up being told that if you go to someone's house for dinner you take something nice like wine or flowers etc because it's good manners. If I took wine to someone else's house I would expect them to either store it and have it when they felt like it, or pop it open and we drink it together.

DH and I were trying to make friends in a new area and invited a couple over for dinner - I met the husband through work, we got along really well so I invited them both over. The wife came in and handed me a bottle of wine and I was like oh thank you would you like a glass (yes obviously), went to the kitchen and poured four glasses of it and handed them out and great. Throughout dinner we were opening more bottles (provided by us) and then afterwards we settled in the lounge and the wife went 'oh I'd like some of our wine now.' and made a comment about our wine being sweet. Admittedly I do love Riesling and it is sweet but I had this sinking feeling... because we'd already drunk it together and she obviously didnt realize and I suddenly felt like a naughty child that had eaten all of someone else's Halloween candy and had that dreaded stomach pit feeling when you've just been caught out and have to own up. It was super awkward and I said 'i think that's all gone, we drank it all' and she went '...oh' and the look on her face...I could be wrong but we got the impression that she brought the wine for her and my colleague to drink...but not for me and DH and we shouldn't have drunk it :S she spent the rest of the evening furiously texting and not talking and I felt so embarrassed

Was I really rude to have poured DH and I a glass? I get at a big group bbq or house party people sometimes bring their own stuff but I didnt think that would be the case for a small four person dinner party. If you're over for dinner and hand me some wine I'm gona say let's all have a glass :S Crap. I'm 30 and feel like I have no idea how to adult!

OP posts:
ClaudiaWankleman · 17/06/2021 16:17

You don't bring a choice of food or drink just in case you don't like what's an offer!
I disagree @khakiandcoral

Firstly, no one is suggesting bringing your own food, although is perfectly normal if you are concerned about being able to eat something (dietary preferences or allergies).
Secondly, it's quite normal to bring a soft drink if you're not drinking, especially so if you only drink Fanta lemon or something else that you couldn't reasonably expect your host to have got in.

It's polite to bring enough for someone else to have some too, and to leave it with the host at the end of the night (or at least not ask for it back!).

khakiandcoral · 17/06/2021 16:18

@CatherineMorland

I thought the etiquette was not to serve the wine that somebody brought. That’s a gift for the hosts.
it think it's not expecting the host to serve it.

It can be nice, it can be awkward. The wine might clash with the food, it might be a wine obviously inferior of what the host is serving and they don't want to embarrass you, it might not be enough for the entire diner party...

Sometimes the kindest thing is to save the bottle and enjoy it privately.

Goingplacestogether · 17/06/2021 16:19

You did exactly the right thing OP. You sound like a lovely host.

I have a former friend who was invited to a mutual friend’s birthday party, an early evening drop in affair. She brought 3 mini bottles of wine, the 18.75cl. She drank one then enjoyed the hostesses generous supply of lovely wine. As she was leaving she went to the fridge and took her unopened mini bottles home

memberofthewedding · 17/06/2021 16:20

I dont agree that the wine guest bring is "just for the host" but rather as a contribution for the evening. I have been to dinner parties where I took white wine and been offered red, which is not to my taste. I would always say "I dont drink red wine so perhaps we could open what I brought if you dont have any white." This is not rude at all. I would not expect to have to eat a meal with wine that I did not like or no wine at all when I had bought something suitable.

khakiandcoral · 17/06/2021 16:20

Secondly, it's quite normal to bring a soft drink if you're not drinking,
Confused

I do live in a different world than some MN posters. Not only it's not normal anywhere I go, but in some places it would be very rude against the host.

You are telling them you don't trust them to cater properly for their guests, who does that!

If you have any manner, you drink what is offered to you, or water.

Shedbuilder · 17/06/2021 16:22

@Sisisimone

Shedbuilder the OP explained they had brought their own wine chilled and they had already drunk that and 2 bottles of the OPs Pinot Grigio before they opened the Reisling
Ah, the perils of reading the first page and then going to the end to post. I never learn. Sorry, OP: I take that back. Thank you Sisisimone.

The memories of being served sweet lukewarm Hock in the 80s came flooding back.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 17/06/2021 16:22

@memberofthewedding

I dont agree that the wine guest bring is "just for the host" but rather as a contribution for the evening. I have been to dinner parties where I took white wine and been offered red, which is not to my taste. I would always say "I dont drink red wine so perhaps we could open what I brought if you dont have any white." This is not rude at all. I would not expect to have to eat a meal with wine that I did not like or no wine at all when I had bought something suitable.
Then what do you bring as a gift to the hosts? Nothing Hmm, because that's rude.
BlueSurfer · 17/06/2021 16:23

She’s rude. Good manners would mean she would have sent flowers and a thank you after the event rather than bringing wine with her, but lots of people do feel arriving somewhere empty handed.

notalwaysalondoner · 17/06/2021 16:23

YANBU the wine is a gift, sometimes I don’t even open it if we already have a bottle open or it’s a larger party so we don’t get through all the bottles people have brought. Don’t worry!

khakiandcoral · 17/06/2021 16:24

@memberofthewedding

I dont agree that the wine guest bring is "just for the host" but rather as a contribution for the evening. I have been to dinner parties where I took white wine and been offered red, which is not to my taste. I would always say "I dont drink red wine so perhaps we could open what I brought if you dont have any white." This is not rude at all. I would not expect to have to eat a meal with wine that I did not like or no wine at all when I had bought something suitable.
I hope someone uses these anecdotes in a tv serie of some kind, they are priceless 😂

I imagine the face of the host who carefully selected and prepared beautiful wines to go with the food, only to be told to open the white will you! Brilliant.

Palavah · 17/06/2021 16:25

@memberofthewedding

I dont agree that the wine guest bring is "just for the host" but rather as a contribution for the evening. I have been to dinner parties where I took white wine and been offered red, which is not to my taste. I would always say "I dont drink red wine so perhaps we could open what I brought if you dont have any white." This is not rude at all. I would not expect to have to eat a meal with wine that I did not like or no wine at all when I had bought something suitable.
So if the meal was a beef stew, for example, and the bottle of wine you brought had been opened and drunk before the main course, what would you do?
CellyBee · 17/06/2021 16:26

She sounds SO rude!

ClaudiaWankleman · 17/06/2021 16:27

I do live in a different world than some MN posters.

You really do.

Being a good host is making your guests enjoy the experience, not leaving them with no option but to drink water or getting offended because someone doesn't like your wine choices.
Do you actually enjoy the company or just the rigmarole of the organisation of a candlelight supper?

HeronLanyon · 17/06/2021 16:28

I don’t ever take wine - I’m v allergic to still wine. I tend to bring champagne or cava or beer depending on finances of all concerned and what others are likely to bring and what kind of gathering it is. It’s often opened right away (if chilled) but if someone stashes it away as they have other drinks ready that’s no problem either.

khakiandcoral · 17/06/2021 16:30

@ClaudiaWankleman

I do live in a different world than some MN posters.

You really do.

Being a good host is making your guests enjoy the experience, not leaving them with no option but to drink water or getting offended because someone doesn't like your wine choices.
Do you actually enjoy the company or just the rigmarole of the organisation of a candlelight supper?

no need to twist my posts.

I have never seen guests anywhere bringing a choice of soft drinks because they didn't trust the host not to provide something they would find acceptable!

If you are that fussy that you really cannot stomach any of the soft drinks on offer, yes, it's up to you to stick to water.

Where did I say I would only offer water to MY guests?!?

I am not rude enough to tell a host I dislike their choice of wine and refuse to drink.

ShirleyPhallus · 17/06/2021 16:31

I think it’s rude. But then I get terrible migraines on certain wines (perils of getting older) so if I went to someone’s house with a wine I could drink I’d be a bit internally annoyed if they then served reisling which is high on the migraine list.

When people come to mine for dinner I say “thanks for this wine, do you want a glass of or shall I open this for you?”

It would be a bit crap to go to someone’s house for dinner and then be offered a wine you don’t like. I wouldn’t say anything though

ShirleyPhallus · 17/06/2021 16:32

I imagine the face of the host who carefully selected and prepared beautiful wines to go with the food, only to be told to open the white will you! Brilliant.

I don’t think the average person “selects and prepares beautiful wines” to go alongside their dinner!

khakiandcoral · 17/06/2021 16:32

if you are that fussy ,don't accept diner invitation, and meet people in a restaurant.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 17/06/2021 16:33

@WellLarDeDar - hey thats unfair! there was also pinot and beer! and other soft drinks!

Ok. I take it back then Grin. But you didn't mention that in your op.

I also hate pinot noir (if that's the pinot you're referring to) so I would be on beer at that stage.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 17/06/2021 16:33

@WellLarDeDar how old was the unhappy drinker?
And out of interest are you American? Just had some Americans visit and they all requested reisling. Just wondered if different palates?

Your guest was very rude and I am wondering if she is not very socially competent.
The wine is a gift for the host and, unless requested to go with the meal such as:
"can I bring anything"
"oh a white to go with fish would be great"
then you don't even have to serve it at all.

*although I agree with your "should have had some more pinot in" easy wines are best when hosting Wine

HarebrightCedarmoon · 17/06/2021 16:33

Riesling can be anything from dry to sweet.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 17/06/2021 16:34

*and when I say just I obviously mean pre pandemic so not really recently but maybe the last time I entertained

khakiandcoral · 17/06/2021 16:36

@ShirleyPhallus

I imagine the face of the host who carefully selected and prepared beautiful wines to go with the food, only to be told to open the white will you! Brilliant.

I don’t think the average person “selects and prepares beautiful wines” to go alongside their dinner!

ahem... not everyone goes for cheap plonk regardless of the menu they have chosen to serve.

Most hosts try to offer a nice diner, do the best they can afford, and get wine at the right temperature for the meal? Is that such a shocking concept? Do you offer warm beer? Confused

ClaudiaWankleman · 17/06/2021 16:37

Where did I say I would only offer water to MY guests?!?

You said that you'd prefer it that guests drank water if they didn't like what was offered, rather than having brought something they knew they would enjoy. I find that bizarre, and actually quite poor hosting.

HollowTalk · 17/06/2021 16:38

[quote WellLarDeDar]@Aprilx as ive said there was pinot but it got drank so fast all that was left was reisling. i think we drank 3 bottles between four of us before even opening the reisling. and DH only had a few glasses and was mainly drinking beer. and Im not big so drink quite slowly. It was cold when she handed it to me so either it had been in their fridge or they had bought it from the refrigerated section on their way over. i feel a bit stupid now serving reisling! I've never known anyone to not like it before but definitely learnt my lesson.[/quote]
You weren't wrong to serve Riesling! Don't worry about it at all. You opened it to serve with dessert, which is exactly how it should be drunk.

As the others have said, she clearly didn't recognise her own wine. Don't give this another thought.