Unknown babysitter because DH wants to go out

[Rosieposie79]

I am not sure if I am being over cautious or whether other mums would think this okay.
I have to go out to a work event this eve - a very rare evening thing that has been in calender for months.
DH decided yesterday that weather was perfect for him to do his sport tonight. We don't have any local family or regular babysitter and without consulting me he has asked neighbours' daughter (in early 20s) to babysit our children (3 & 5). I am sure this girl is lovely but we hardly know her, she has never met our kids and to my knowledge has very little experience of young children. She would need to put them to bed because children would be home from afterschool club just before we both need to leave at 6pm.
Not only do I feel uncomfortable dumping young children with a stranger for bedtime when they would usually expect stories and cuddles with us. But there are also all the activities of bath time when I just feel it needs someone with a bit more experience to do this safely.
I just feel DH is being unreasonable and there will be lots of other opportunities to do his sport. He should just stay and look after kids as agreed.
He is having a big old sulk and thinks I am being overprotective.

I'm with you @Rosieposie79. No way I'd leave my children with someone I barely know. To me it's not worth it. Happily their dad feels the same.

YANBU for three reasons:

• Neither you nor your children have met her.
• Your DH didn't discuss this with you before making the arrangement
• There's no reason why he should choose this particular evening to do his sport. As you've said it's rare that you go out.

I would not be happy leaving my children with a stranger, no way. Wouldn't want them in my home for a start! No judgment on those who do so but it's not for me.

At least he arranged a babysitter!

Don’t see the problem.

This young woman will be absolutely fine, I think you are over anxious - let her come

YNBU. We have a babysitter but we met her when she worked at DDs nursery. She is now a nanny with a DBS check and paediatric first aid qualification as well as knowing my daughter well. No way some random woman would be caring for my child without us especially when they are very young.

Your dh is a selfish fucker. He should look after his own dc as arranged and do his sport another night. The competency of the babysitter is irrelevant imo.

@3Britnee

Reading this thread, I can can see how that abductor next door or whatever it was on netflix actually happened.

Almost all child physical and sexual abuse takes place within the family/close friends of the family. Stranger abductions are vanishingly rare; abuse within the family is common.

Unfortunately, even people you know and trust may be a risk to your children. Also, unfortunately - as demonstrated on this thread - people massively overestimate their abilities to judge character and risk.

Statistically, a female neighbour babysitter is much, much safer than leaving your DC with any male relative or friend.

I think DH should miss his sport.

He looks after the kids while you have a good time.

Then get the 20 year old to come round another day to meet the kids as a potential future babysitter.

The unknown with her is too risky, and you won’t enjoy your evening.

A vagina isn't a DBS certificate

Quite right - a vagina is far more useful. DBS certificates only pick up abusers who have already been caught. They tell you nothing about someone's propensity to abuse. The single biggest predictor of abuse is biological sex.

98% of sexual offences are committed by men. Statistically, a male friend is a much more dangerous choice than a female stranger.

Also the kids may not like her or feel comfortable with a strange girl.

I think he is being ridiculous. If your children were 7 or over I would be more inclined to think it could be OK. Children as young as 3 need to know their babysitter or need to be looked after by someone more experienced. Bathing and bed time are not a good intro to two young children. Your dh is being selfish. If he wants to use this babysitter, he should invite her round to get to know the kids while he does the bath and bedtime routine. She could then babysit once they are in bed. If he does this a few times, she could then take over on a future evening. He does actually know this; he is just taking the piss.

You're not being unreasonable. There is NO WAY I would have left kids of that age with a stranger, or in fact any age. If I couldn't find an appropriate babysitter (usually grandparents or occasionally a trusted friend) one of us would not have gone to whatever was planned.

This is a case of if you are going out, I am going out too.
The babysitter issue is a red herring in my opinion
Op’s dh is peeved at the thought of her going out and having a good time while he is stuck at home with the kids.
He could have chosen any other day to participate in his hobby. Why does it have to be the day that Op goes out?
He’s a prick

This thread 🤷🏻‍♀️

I completely agree with @rachelstriffle

This isn't a big deal; the adult woman minder will take care of two not-tiny children & put them to bed.

She's not a random, she lives next door.

OK, you don't know loads about her but she's not entirely a stranger.

She can absolutely play with the kids, pop them to bed, and be there to mind them.

I would y suggest heading away for a weekend or anything with a first-time minder but this is 100% fine.

I think your DH sounds capable and you know, a parent by sorting out a babysitter.

The only point I'd agree on is it would have been better to organise this sooner, not last-minute.

@Lampzade

This is a case of if you are going out, I am going out too. The babysitter issue is a red herring in my opinion Op’s dh is peeved at the thought of her going out and having a good time while he is stuck at home with the kids. He could have chosen any other day to participate in his hobby. Why does it have to be the day that Op goes out? He’s a prick

Un-believ-able.

Like really!

The man wants to go out for a few hours; he's arranged a babysitter.

No, he's a prick, who's intent on sabotaging his wife's work function.

Mental.

How well do you know the neighbour

Well obviously the new babysitter doesn't need to bathe the children. You know they don't need a bath every night, right?

You had this in the diary for ages. He was staying in.

He decides to use a babysitter he barely knows- he is happy to let your night be ruined by you worrying about the children instead of doing his hobby on another evening? Arsehole.

It doesn't matter that other people may be comfortable letting someone they barely know babysit. He knows you aren't comfortable with it and instead of staying in so you can enjoy your evening he is going to go ahead anyway.

That is really shit. His bloody hobby can wait so you can enjoy a night worry free.

*Almost all child physical and sexual abuse takes place within the family/close friends of the family. Stranger abductions are vanishingly rare; abuse within the family is common.

Unfortunately, even people you know and trust may be a risk to your children. Also, unfortunately - as demonstrated on this thread - people massively overestimate their abilities to judge character and risk.

Statistically, a female neighbour babysitter is much, much safer than leaving your DC with any male relative or friend.*

I agree with this in terms of sexual abuse. But not-being-a-peadophile is a pretty low bar for selecting someone to look after your small children .

In all honesty this person would most likely be fine to look after them- although I would want to meet someone first , and know they had at least some experience with small children , before I allowed them to bathe my 3 year old and put them to bed!!

Even if she is the best babysitter in the world, she is a stranger to the children. That is an important factor too. How are they supposed to be comfortable settling to bed with a stranger?

Bed and bath time is not an appropriate introduction to an unknown babysitter.

If your DH wants to use her as a babysitter in the future , you should meet her first and then Introduce her to the kids for a couple of hours in the afternoon, or have her over to watch the kids after they have gone to bed. once both you and the children have some sort of a relationship/ knowledge of this person maybe she can do an evening bath and bedtime.

Absolutely not

Yanbu there is no way I'd have a stranger look after my children, nor would my DH. Yes by all means get to know her for the future, but work comes before hobbies (or at least, you'd booked it before) so DH stays home. Or goes out after you get back.

I get lots of babysitting work from an app called Bubble, parents review me and I review them my DBS is also on there. I have over 10 years experience and due to my career I am first aid trained etc. I insist on at least a phone call with new parents that book me for their peace of mind and mine. I totally understand it’s still leaving your child with a stranger but there’s insurance through the app as well as the reviews etc. I’d really recommend it in your situation.

Statistically, a female neighbour babysitter is much, much safer than leaving your DC with any male relative or friend.

Not true. Women are more likely to be violent to small children

The risk lies with both sexes

The single biggest predictor of abuse is biological sex.

Sexual abuse yes your stats are correct, physical abuse the stats are women are more likely to do so.

The babysitter issue is a red herring in my opinion

I agree to a point. What's worrying is this man is willing to risk his kids safety to make this point!

He's sabotaging ops Eve out, likely out of some jealous or controlling motivation. That speaks to a larger problem in the relationship

Are you recently returned to work op? Is dh jealous/controlling?

I would y suggest heading away for a weekend or anything with a first-time minder but this is 100% fine.

Within what timescale do you think distress, an emergency or even abuse can occur? I can tell you - minutes!

There was a recent thread of posters absolutely outraged about the (100% reasonable) rate of a babysitter.

I bet they would ask for a reduced rate for the "settling in sessions" and would refuse to pay the normal £12/£15 an hour.

Neighbour's daughter is fine. You know the parents, you know where she lives, skip the bath and don't be dramatic.

@khakiandcoral

There was a recent thread of posters absolutely outraged about the (100% reasonable) rate of a babysitter.

I bet they would ask for a reduced rate for the "settling in sessions" and would refuse to pay the normal £12/£15 an hour.

Neighbour's daughter is fine. You know the parents, you know where she lives, skip the bath and don't be dramatic.

Don’t be ridiculous. What do you mean by “settling in” session. PPs were suggesting having her babysit for a couple of hours while the parents go out to lunch or go shopping or something , in the day time, so the kids get to know her a bit, before they are expected to be comfortable settling to sleep for the night with a complete stranger. And of course it would be paid.