To use ‘Rose’ as middle name for my rainbow baby?

[Qu33nSt3ph13]

I lost my precious first born Ella-Rose October last year, now 22 weeks with our rainbow baby boy!

Would Rose work as his middle name? Please be nice, but don’t feel obliged to say yes just because of the situation :-)

Thanks

@PoppenhuisStories

I say this as gently as possible. Please don’t include a nod to your lost child in the name of your next child. I can see why it is meaningful for you, but please don’t saddle a child with the weight of their sibling they never knew.

I know quite a few people who have siblings who died when they were young or before they were born and all of them feel the presence of the sibling they barely remember or never knew in their family. This is generally not regarded as a positive thing as for them there is no emotional connection with the sibling. It’s not the same as a grandmother and it’s disingenuous to suggest it is, clearly the gravity attached to a lost sibling is different to a grandparent. A friend had the middle name of her deceased sister, it has been a real issue for her.

Please grieve yourselves and don’t involve any new baby.

Totally agree with this. My mum had several miscarriages between me and my eventual sibling. They have only been mentioned to me once as an adult because how could I grieve or even understand when I was a small child? It will be so difficult for your DS to feel anything for a sister he never knew.

Ross

Even just the initials or a similar name stop your son's name being all his. However subtle you make it, either it's all his own name or it isn't. And it is different to referencing a relative from a previous generation.

How about Ellery? Like the (awesome) rugby player.

I'm sorry for your loss

I suppose I'm a rainbow baby as my mum lost a baby before me.
I've never thought of it that way before though.

I've not often thought about how I wouldn't have existed if her first baby had survived, but when I have thought about it, it is a bit of an odd feeling.

If my name was tied to the boy who my mum lost I don't know how I'd feel about that tbh.

@Qu33nSt3ph13

I lost my precious first born Ella-Rose October last year, now 22 weeks with our rainbow baby boy!

Would Rose work as his middle name? Please be nice, but don’t feel obliged to say yes just because of the situation :-)

Thanks

Personally, I wouldn't use Rose as a middle name for a boy - but there are lots of roses that are named after men - maybe you could find one of those that appeals to you, and will still have the Rose connection?

You could also buy the rose with that name, and plant it in your garden, in memory of your lovely dd.

Just looking at David Austin Roses, I've found some boys' names:

Gabriel
Silas
Harlow
James
William
Thomas
Antony

• and I'm sure if you look at other rose breeders/sellers, there will be other names you could use.

Call him Sue.

💐 Sorry for you loss but I wouldn't call a boy Rose. PP's idea of using a variation of it is nice though.

What about using Ellis as his second name?

I don't think it works, sorry. What about Matthew or Theo which both mean gift. My rainbow baby has Matthew as a middle name because he is our gift.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

I wouldn’t just because I think it’s not fair for him to have the shadow of a sibling he didn’t know in his name. It is your loss, but it is not his, and his identity should be separate.

I wouldn't, although I can understand your pain as I've been in a similar situation. I lost my son and my rainbow is a girl. I named her a middle name similar to his, only it's a female name. You really can't call a little boy Rose.

What about choosing a name that has a similar meaning? Ella means light, so how about Lucian, which also means light?

No. It’s unfair to a child to name them after a dead sibling, especially when he’d have to constantly explain it as it is a girl’s name. And I say that as someone currently expecting a rainbow baby. This is a new child, you can tell him all about his lost sibling but naming after her is not necessary.

I am so very sorry for your loss, and excited for your new pregnancy. I appreciate everyone's pain and experience is different, but I hope you don't mind me drawing on my own one in writing this.

I lost a baby this winter at 23 weeks pregnancy, and am now TTC again. I loved our baby who died so much. They were so wanted, and I was ecstatic being pregnant and to start our own family. I gave birth to them, held them, named them, etc. They feel part of our family, and I somehow need them in the fold, and be connected to their future siblings. I have been struggling to give them a place that honours them and shows I will never forget them. In the beginning I was almost making our home into a shrine to express that feeling, and I am now learning that I do not need the 'props' for our baby to know that they are loved, and to remember them. Our first baby will always be part of us, our future children's sibling, etc., and that fact isn't based on what I do.

I hence understand how tempting it is, but a new baby deserves their very own, unique name, and their own initials, as being a rainbow baby is hard enough. I am already wondering how my experience and acute awareness of the fragility of life will affect my future parenting of them. How the grief I have experienced will influence my engagement with a future baby, etc.

Even if you don't plan to emphasise the fact your little boy is a rainbow baby, as you mention, the fact that commemorating his sister is a consideration in naming him clearly shows that you struggle to steer clear of this. When he is older, and knows his family's history, he will realise the rationale behind his name, and you can't predict how he will feel about it. Knowing the heavy meaning behind it, he will never be able to challenge or change his name without feeling like he is hurting you.

If I am honest, I think I owe it to any future babies to let them be completely and utterly unburdened by my personal pain and emotional needs. To let them be their own person by having their own name, with their own initials and own unique meaning. To let them find their own way to incorporate their older siblings's memory into their lives on their own terms.

[quote LunaAndHer3Stars]@Qu33nSt3ph13 what about using the name of a type of rose to honour her? I did a quick Google on names of roses. And have so far seen roses named Lincoln, Korbin, Alec, Alfred and Abraham. www.greeneroses.com.au/greeneroses/rosepages/rose_alphalist.php[/quote]
This was exactly what I was going to suggest. It would be your own private 'nod' (I can't stand that word but can't think of an alternative - the Royals are always 'nodding' according to the tabloids!!) to your daughter but no-one else need even know. You could decide whether or not to share that with your son. Or, Buddy is a possibility, if you like that (personally I don't really but then I am a fossil...)

I have rainbow baby, nearly 18 now. I've never used the term - never heard of it until he was older - but in my experience, you don't ever think of your child as a 'replacement'. In my case, after two m/cs, I have always firmly believed that my DS is the child I was meant to have. Very best wishes xx

And I also agree that expecting a child to mourn a lost baby they never knew is unfair, so I also don’t think it’s wise to make a huge deal about it. The child (and to be honest, anyone beyond you and your DH) will never feel the loss that you did and it’s not fair to expect them to. My mother just mentioned her miscarriage matter of factly to me when it came up when I was older, and that’s the approach I intend to follow with my own rainbow baby.

I'm just thinking of how you can keep a connection to your little girl. I have a beautiful rose called Arthur Bell, it's strong,has some heritage behind it, flowers reliably and is a lovely yellow colour with a strong scent. Would the name Arthur suit? You could also plant the rose as
a physical connection between your children.

@BarbarianMum

Please dont do anything that might in future make your son feel like he's a replacement or a consolation prize for your precious daughter (I know he's not but young people can pick up these negative feelings as they grow up). Being a rainbow baby can be quite difficult emotionally. Give him his own name.

I agree with this. My brother and I are both rainbow babies in a sense, my DM had a stillborn daughter, my brother was the baby that came a year later and I was the daughter that followed.

Even now she talks about all the hopes she had for that daughter and the loss that my brother and I felt we were never able to make up for, and I feel constantly reminded that had that daughter survived, I probably wouldn’t be here. It’s not a nice feeling. It would have been even worse if either of us had also been given her name or a version of it as well. It makes you feel like you’re less of a person in your own right.

No and I would say that even if you were expecting a girl. They are siblings and will always be connected but he is his own person in his own right and you don't have to honour his lost sibling through him. There are many other ways to honour a child that has passed, ultimately you should do whatever feels right to you and your oh but you asked.

@IndigoHexagon

I wouldn’t personally, even as a middle name give a boy such an obvious girl name. I’d use a variation though - maybe Rosen / Rowan / Roe.

Congratulations on your rainbow x 🌈

Love Rowan and Roe. Thats a nice way for OP to incorporate Rose in

I’m so sorry for your loss and congratulations on your current pregnancy!

I think a subtle connection to your daughter would be lovely (I was a midwife and it’s very common for rainbow babies to have a middle name that’s associated with their older sibling).
However, it might be worth considering how you/your son will feel if you have to keep explaining the middle name to strangers. My husband has a middle name that’s very uncommon for white British men (he was named after his dad’s university friend who was Egyptian) and he gets asked about whenever he has to do something that requires his full name (booking into a hotel, going to the doctor, signing a tenancy agreement).
Rose is a very unusual name for a boy and you might not want to have to discuss what happened to your daughter every time you take your son to the dentist!

There’s also a chance that your son will be teased at some point for his name (children are mean sometimes) and you don’t want something that is clearly very precious to you to have negative connotations.

I love some of the suggestions that other people have given you. Elliot, Eli, Rhodes and Briar are all gorgeous and give you that connection without being quite so obvious/unusual.
Or you could choose the name of a specific variety of rose, if you look on the David Austin website then they are lots of roses with men’s names, e.g. ‘Just Joey’ or ‘Eddie’s Jewel’.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and I’m sure whatever you choose will be absolutely lovely!

I'm so sorry for your loss op.

My daughter is a "rainbow baby" and wouldn't be here had her brother survived. I've never said it and there aren't reminders everywhere, but she is aware that had he lived she wouldn't. She's brought it up and we have had some deep conversations about it. I've never given her reason (as far as I'm aware) to feel this insecurity, but it's there, and she needed reassurance when she worked it out. I'd worry that slight feeling of insecurity would be more so if I'd named her for him.

I wouldn’t.

My rainbow is now 5, and she is sometimes insecure when we mention her brother. At one point she said we loved him more than her... now imagine if she had his name (even as a middle name). Kids don’t think like adults.

Remember her in your own way, and don’t burden a child with those memories.

@Microwaveableteapot

It's also worth considering that if you do go with that name and he's bullied because of it (sadly likely I think) how you'll feel if he comes to you declaring it that he hates it and he wants to get rid of it? Is there a chance it could feel to you like he's rejecting Ella-Rose and his link to her? If he angrily says he never knew her and doesn't care about her?

Also a small risk that he's really proud of it and loves the connection, and as a five year old takes to bounding up to perfect strangers saying "I'm Ezekial Rose, and I was named after my dead sister!" Would you feel comfortable having random people know about that and potentially having to deal with their awkwardness about it?

My first son was stillborn, and my DS2 was given his name as a middle name. He was aware of his brother (in simple terms) from being about 5 years old. We mark his birthday in a quiet but fairly joyful way with the kids - bake a cake or go for a family meal, just like we would have had he lived. He is a teen now and plans to name any future sons of his with the same middle name. As for the awkwardness, that's their issue. It's nothing to be ashamed of, that's my son. I'm sure the OP feels the same. We don't stop thinking about them just because they're not here.

to you @Qu33nSt3ph13. It must be hard to read some of these comments. My son would be 16 this year and I am finding them hard to read myself .

Naming him after a rose variety and then planting it is a lovely idea!

Not Rose, but maybe Ross.