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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use ‘Rose’ as middle name for my rainbow baby?

229 replies

Qu33nSt3ph13 · 16/06/2021 10:05

I lost my precious first born Ella-Rose October last year, now 22 weeks with our rainbow baby boy!

Would Rose work as his middle name? Please be nice, but don’t feel obliged to say yes just because of the situation :-)

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Qu33nSt3ph13 · 16/06/2021 10:37

@Georgina125

I lost my DS three years ago and currently pregnant with his little brother, so I understand the complexities of a rainbow pregnancy. In my case, my rainbow baby is going to have his older brother's name as one of his middle names. I don't see it as "saddling" him with anything or making him feel like a replacement. More a connection to the brother he will sadly never meet.

Had we been having a girl, we would have used a female form of our late son's name for one of her middle names. His name was Robert, so her middle name would have been Robyn.

So, in this case, I would find a male name related to your DDs name and use that. You can also always have more than one middle name if you would like.

In addition to currently experiencing a rainbow pregnancy, I am also a Rainbow baby myself. My parents lost their child at 16 weeks gestation and never knew the baby's gender or named them. I feel weird not really having a connection to my older brother or sister.

Congratulations xx Maybe people who have not experienced this don’t understand because I have heard that’s it’s quite common to use their name in a middle name. Just in my case it’s a bit harder with different gender, thank you x
OP posts:
Lweji · 16/06/2021 10:37

A girl's name and the same as your first born?

Do you really need to ask?

Just NO.
Poor child.

BiBabbles · 16/06/2021 10:38

I agree with using a variation or a similar sounding name (I'd recommend that even with another girl, but that's mainly as to how my family has dealt with this so it's what I know).

Maybe Ambrose or Brosi?

Lweji · 16/06/2021 10:38

I don't see it as "saddling" him with anything or making him feel like a replacement. More a connection to the brother he will sadly never meet.

A forced connection. Forced by his own parents. Why do that to a child?

Original poster
Qu33nSt3ph13 · 16/06/2021 10:39

@Lweji

A girl's name and the same as your first born?

Do you really need to ask?

Just NO.
Poor child.

Did you read it would be a middle name? Ah well no need to be so rude even if you read it correctly 😊
OP posts:
DeathStare · 16/06/2021 10:39

I was going to suggest giving him the same initials - ER - in tribute. But no please don't give him Rose as a middle name; he will resent it and that's the last thing you want.

saraclara · 16/06/2021 10:40

@mam0918

Your child deserves not to being a living headstone to your loss.

As a child that was concieved because of the same circumstance its wierd enough knowing I wasnt the 'original', that im techincally a replacement and I wouldnt be here had my brother not died without then being forever reminded of it in my name which is MY personal identity.

Remember and love your lost baby (it never goes away) but also remember THIS child is completely seperate from than and deserves to be viewed entirely on his own.

Thank you for putting your feelings on this so clearly. I have strong feelings about the term rainbow baby in this regard, and on parents burdening consequent children with their grief and memories.

I can't imagine the grief and anguish involved with losing a child, but the mental wellbeing of the siblings they never knew is the absolute priority.

(Sorry for the slight thread jack OP. I echo those saying that Ross or Royce would be better if you really feel the need to have a middle name reflecting your first baby)

VestaTilley · 16/06/2021 10:40

No. I mean this as gently as possible, but you’re being ridiculous.

He will be ridiculed and bullied for the name. It’s a girls name.

And you should never, ever name a child after a lost sibling. They have a right to their own name and identity.

I was friends at school with a girl who was named after her dead older sister. When she found out, she was devastated. Do not do this.

ILoveShula · 16/06/2021 10:40

Sorry about your loss but congratulations and best wishes for your pregnancy.

I like the name Ross , which is a bit like Rose but sounds different and is a boy's name.

Don't make him feel that he is a replacement. He isn't, won't and can't be. He will be a person in his own right.

AdelindSchade · 16/06/2021 10:40

@FLOrenze

How about Ezekiel Briar . Briar is a form of Rose and means health
Like it.
Staffymumma · 16/06/2021 10:41

So sorry for your loss, I lost my angel baby at 24 weeks and we had roses at his funeral, so I gave my daughter the middle name Rose as a little nod to him, could you think of anything like that? So it is honouring her still but not the exact same name?

me4real · 16/06/2021 10:41

I agree with PP's that suggested you choose some similar but male name.

User57892 · 16/06/2021 10:41

I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

Personally, I wouldn’t - I know it shouldn’t matter if a name is gendered, but rose is such an archetypal girl’s name, it just doesn’t work for a boy imo. I also think he deserves his own brand new name.

bigbaggyeyes · 16/06/2021 10:41

No to Rose

How about a first name starting with an E, and a middle name starting with R so he has her initials

Edward Robert (for example)

Lweji · 16/06/2021 10:41

Did you read it would be a middle name? Ah well no need to be so rude even if you read it correctly 😊

Yes. And no. I wasn't rude. I was forceful, because it's a really bad idea on both counts.

Daphnise · 16/06/2021 10:42

I have to say it's a terrible idea.

No boy wants a girl's name, he would not thank you for doing this.

PattyPan · 16/06/2021 10:45

Sorry for your loss. But no, it’s a girls name and even if you were having a girl now, I agree it would be too much baggage to reuse the name.

PinkG0ld · 16/06/2021 10:45

@Ughmaybenot

I’m very sorry for your loss, but no, I wouldn’t do this. One because it is a girls name, through and through, and two because I think it would be a burden to your son to be named so directly for a lost sibling. He’s his own person, and that may make him feel like he’s ‘just’ a replacement. I am quite sure that this isn’t the case but he may feel that way.
This is exactly what I thought. Even choosing a similar sounding male version of the name is still way too much baggage for her son to carry. He may feel like he’s simply a replacement for his stillborn sister.
FishintheStream · 16/06/2021 10:45

I don't think there is anything wrong with the name itself (Rose can be a surname, and plenty of people have a surname as a middle name) but I agree with PPs about the baggage of having your daughter's name as a middle name. I think this could be emotionally quite difficult for him, so I wouldn't do it.

Original poster
Qu33nSt3ph13 · 16/06/2021 10:45

@Lweji

Did you read it would be a middle name? Ah well no need to be so rude even if you read it correctly 😊

Yes. And no. I wasn't rude. I was forceful, because it's a really bad idea on both counts.

Meh comes across as rude, there was no need to be forceful in your opinion. I was asking for opinions but at the end of the day it’s my choice.
OP posts:
imisscashmere · 16/06/2021 10:46

We have a friend, Andrew, who is affectionately nicknamed “Rose”. I don’t know where it even comes from - it could even be his middle name for all I know. He’s much loved, and a pretty masculine (eg rugby-playing) guy.

TotorosCatBus · 16/06/2021 10:46

Could you go for a middle name starting with Ro like Rory or Rowan?

talesofginza · 16/06/2021 10:47

You have to consider that he will likely get asked regularly throughout his whole life why his middle name is Rose, and will either have to explain the sad truth or will invent something that is less depressing to tell people.

RestingPandaFace · 16/06/2021 10:47

I am sorry for your loss but no. PPs have given all the reasons why.

RB68 · 16/06/2021 10:47

I would focus on the ELla - so Eli, Elliot, or similar