To hate having to work after the kids have gone to bed

[polexiaaphrodesia]

Another evening of putting the DC (5&2) to bed and then logging back on to my work laptop to finish off a load of work I havent managed to get done during the day because I finish at 5pm to do the school and nursery run.

It's hot, I'm tired and I thoroughly resent DH who does the school drop off in the morning for DS, gets to his desk for 8.45am, pops out of his office for dinner at 6.30pm and then like a bloody meerkat dives back into his office to work until all the bathtime and general getting kids to bed fuckery is over. And then announces he's off to the gym as he's finished work for the day while I log back on.

I take DD to nursery for 8am, get home at 8.10am then work until 5.15pm when I pick up both kids, bring them home, make dinner, bath, bed etc then back at the bloody laptop again. We are both fairly senior in our roles and working over contracted hours is considered par for the course but I am getting very annoyed that he only has to do 1/4 of the school and nursery runs, gets to do his work in one uninterrupted chunk, gets dinner made for him and then misses bedtime as he's working.

It's the same for every bloody man in my team as well - they all have someone at home picking up the slack so don't have to work late into the evenings and do nice stuff for them like cycling or going to the gym etc. Just me and all the other mums in my team online at 8.30pm doing the "mum shift" trying to keep our careers alive.

Sorry, rant over. I know I need to speak to DH who will start going on about his promotion for the good of the family and how it means he needs needing to be on calls at 6pm so can't get the kids but flexible working isn't really as great as everyone makes out for women. We're flexing but we're online at night while the men are having their down time.

@SuperSecretSquirrels

He is compounding the problem. Not only is making life hard for you, but also for the working mothers at his work who have to compete with him for that promotion, when it’s not a level playing field. Men should do their share at home.

That is the worst possible reason, surely. I want my husband to help, but if his shirking results in more pay and promotions I still benefit. And surely no one expects their ambitious colleagues to work less just to give them a look in? Because childless and single people would have the same advantage as married men with wives to do the grunt work. This doesn't excuse lazy husbands.

@polexiaaphrodesia

Everytime I speak to him about it he gets really defensive or he starts saying "OK, well you go and get the job that pays xyz (he earns 50% more than what I earn) and I'll do all the school runs and work 4 days a week then."

Oh what a complete and utter prick!

[quote polexiaaphrodesia]@GorekyPark good point! When I refer to women, I'm really referring to the women in my team online at 9pm. My work make a huge deal out of flexible working but it only seems to be women working late at night. The men in my team work 8-6.[/quote]
This is where I think flexible working back fires for women. Would be much better to have a strict 9-5

I'm not surprised you're feeling fed up. It doesn't sound like you have much/any time to yourself or to relax. Is it necessary financially for you both to be working such punishing hours? Would either or both of you be interested in cutting your hours or responsibilities for a few years whilst the children are small?

Alternatively, could you consider employing a nanny so that you didn't have to spend time on pick ups and drop offs, and you could both get your work done at a reasonable time and come home?

YANBU. I'm absolutely done in by the evening and couldn't do it anyway.

He couldn’t behave like this if you weren’t so accepting of his bullshit.

This isn’t about money because if the roles were reversed he wouldn’t be taking up your slack, this is good old fashioned entitlement and it only continues because there aren’t any consequences for him.

You didn’t marry a man who gives a shit about your mh, so why are you still enabling him to prioritise himself. When he gets defensive and starts making excuses, stand your ground. Everyone is responsible for the role they play in their relationship dynamic.

The fact you are working 5 days, only being paid for 4, and logging on to finish your work at 8pm, is the first problem.

The fact that you do all the 'woman's load' and he only pops his head out of the office for his dinner, after the bath and bedtime is done, so he can go exercising is the 2nd.

His attitude to your role, 'you do it then if you can earn it', is the third.

Plus there are many more. How can you not have seen this before?

OP, I sympathise. I only work three days per week but end up working at least two out of three evenings and doing stuff on my non-working days (while feeling guilty for ignoring my DD) too. For all the people saying just finish at 5 - some jobs just don’t work like that. Full-time members of my team also regularly work evenings and sometimes weekends, and they haven’t stopped from 5-8 to do pick ups and bath time. We are well paid and expected to work the extra hours where needed. On the flip side, I earn more working three days than many people do working full-time and have been with my employer for years so have goodwill and flexibility in spades.

Your “D”H sounds like a knob. The evenings in particular are very unbalanced - you do everything while he finishes work, eats the dinner you have made and fucks off to the gym?! Is he serious?! I would make this my priority. Ask him how he would feel if the situation were reversed - would he think it was fair? If he refuses to get involved at least two evenings a week, stop making his dinner, doing his laundry or anything else just for him (organising things for his family?) and sort you and the children only. Book a babysitter one night a week on joint account money so you can go out/to the gym. And consider whether you’d be better off on your own without resenting him - at the moment he is basically like having a teenage child who occasionally and reluctantly does a few chores but expects to be looked after the rest of the time.

I don’t know if this would work on your husband but when I was having similar problems with mine, I said that if we weren’t going to split housework and childcare 50/50 then I would quit and be a SAHM.

My DH really really likes the lifestyle having two earners in the house brings - and I suspect is not keen on the pressure of being the sole wage earner.

Anyway it was quite an effective threat. (Not that I had any bloody intention of quitting my job to accommodate his laziness, to be clear).

I’ve always ended up taking the load for Dp, doing most things for the kids and it shows. Now they are preteens/teens I am their go-to, their relationship with their dad isn’t close etc. If he carries on it’s going to affect more than your ability to work in the early evening.

If you are working 8-5, why are you having to do these extra hours though? And he should be logging off and having an evening as well! The working world is getting out of control with the hours people work.

I take the load for DH and my children are much closer to me than him.
They will now actively reject him, especially my eldest. He says he only needs me. He’s much closer to my dad, his grandad.

He needs to do a lot more

OP. I just stopped. I stopped doing anything for his family. He used to let me - a tiny woman, lug beds downstairs single handed from spare room to back living room when his dad hurt his hip then spring clean both spare room and new spare room, both bathrooms, then cook two dinners as his family were gluten free. Then they'd arrive and I'd be shattered and grumpy and he'd be springing around opening the wine. One year I just didn't. It was a bit mean but fun to be the springy friendly one while he trudged around glazed eyed because he'd done all the heavy lifting and cooking.

I just stopped doing all the cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, mental load.If he asked when a school event or a doctor's appointment was I said 'No idea'.

We now share things equally.

And perhaps you need to look at your job, I occasionally work in the evenings but that's when I've finished early to sit in the garden with the dc or similar.

In my (limited) experience, many men will always look after their own interests first. If both parents chose to look after their own interests first, the children would be neglected. So in a sense, many mothers don't really have a choice.
I am in a similar situation to you, OP, only that I am single with no help from DC's father. I am more annoyed by meetings at 8am and 6.30 pm - if you can't make them due to school/ nursery runs, you are seen as unreliable, because hey, it is just slightly outside the office hours - why be so precious about it?

This may sound mean OP but you can't blame someone else if you are not happy with a situation. You are in total control!

Organise alternative drop off and pick up with your hubby. So for example, you get the kids ready on Monday morning whilst he goes to the gym and he picks them up in the evening. On Tuesday, you go to the gym whilst he manages getting them ready in the morning and drop them off.

Now, your company can't make you work the way you are working. Plus, sounds like all you women are in competition with each other on who works the longest. Why in the world are all the people online after bed time women? If you are not closing a million dollar deal it can wait until the next day...simple!

Your kids are at an age now where things should be getting easier.

If your hubby does not want to help at all and it's all too exhausting and pulls that card 'I earn 50% more'. Get a nanny and reduce that 50% earning.

You do have a husband problem, but you mainly have a job problem. Fuck doing unpaid overtime. Particularly in an industry like yours.

In my (limited) experience, many men will always look after their own interests first. If both parents chose to look after their own interests first, the children would be neglected. So in a sense, many mothers don't really have a choice.

This has been my experience/observation too. Often women in this situation are told ‘just don’t do it’, but it really isn’t always that simple. We were in a situation where if I didn’t do it then the children and dog would actually suffer and I wasn’t happy to let that happen.

Are you both in Senior roles OP? If not then I think there’s also something about the amount of unpaid overtime you are doing. I mean this in a supportive way but can you both work Smarter and push back on workload in any way so you are not as overloaded with paperwork every evening and that’s the exception not the norm. Not all company cultures are the same. Some are more genuine in their support for working parents than others.

@MissChanandlerBong90

In my (limited) experience, many men will always look after their own interests first. If both parents chose to look after their own interests first, the children would be neglected. So in a sense, many mothers don't really have a choice.

This has been my experience/observation too. Often women in this situation are told ‘just don’t do it’, but it really isn’t always that simple. We were in a situation where if I didn’t do it then the children and dog would actually suffer and I wasn’t happy to let that happen.

Yes, I am also somewhat annoyed by this advice commonly dished out on MN. Maybe it does work for the chores that are directly related to the said man's wellbeing (say, ironing his work shirts), because see above - he WILL look after his own interests. But if children's music lessons happen to coincide with his cycling club (if we are dealing in stereotypes here), tough luck for the children.

Another brilliant common advice is "just send him a bill for xxx (childcare, cleaning etc)".

I agree and have lamented the lack of boundaries created by WFH full time. Flexibility is good but not when you’re working until 10pm and way over and above your contracted hours.
I’m currently forcing myself out for a morning walk rather than starting work early and trying to get ahead for the day. Coupled with late nights it’s very hard.
I think the only solution is you need to pull back on the logging on after kids going to bed. What would be the consequences if you just didn’t log back on? Ask yourself ‘so what’?

Seriously it sounds like the OP is in an abusive relationship with her job. If you loved me you would just do those few extra hours. Why do we let ourselves be treated like this by our workplaces? Just stop doing the extra overtime, do your contracted hours. If your workplace has a problem with that take them to an employment tribunal and win a big fat pay out.

Your husband isn’t very nice to you, is he? He’s supposed to love you, not take you for a mug and respond with goady threats when you try to talk to him.

And your workplace are taking the piss, too.

OP, I know it’s hard (believe me, I do) but I think you need to put up some boundaries. You clearly look after everyone beautifully, and they love it. Hence the pushback when you try to change.

Well isn't he a waste of space, he need to pull his finger out and start helping, since he likes to point out he earns 50% more I'd also be pointing out the kids are 50% his and needs to be doing more than dropping one off at school while you pick up the slack elsewhere.