To hate having to work after the kids have gone to bed

[polexiaaphrodesia]

Another evening of putting the DC (5&2) to bed and then logging back on to my work laptop to finish off a load of work I havent managed to get done during the day because I finish at 5pm to do the school and nursery run.

It's hot, I'm tired and I thoroughly resent DH who does the school drop off in the morning for DS, gets to his desk for 8.45am, pops out of his office for dinner at 6.30pm and then like a bloody meerkat dives back into his office to work until all the bathtime and general getting kids to bed fuckery is over. And then announces he's off to the gym as he's finished work for the day while I log back on.

I take DD to nursery for 8am, get home at 8.10am then work until 5.15pm when I pick up both kids, bring them home, make dinner, bath, bed etc then back at the bloody laptop again. We are both fairly senior in our roles and working over contracted hours is considered par for the course but I am getting very annoyed that he only has to do 1/4 of the school and nursery runs, gets to do his work in one uninterrupted chunk, gets dinner made for him and then misses bedtime as he's working.

It's the same for every bloody man in my team as well - they all have someone at home picking up the slack so don't have to work late into the evenings and do nice stuff for them like cycling or going to the gym etc. Just me and all the other mums in my team online at 8.30pm doing the "mum shift" trying to keep our careers alive.

Sorry, rant over. I know I need to speak to DH who will start going on about his promotion for the good of the family and how it means he needs needing to be on calls at 6pm so can't get the kids but flexible working isn't really as great as everyone makes out for women. We're flexing but we're online at night while the men are having their down time.

Ok so he's just confirmed what a dick he is.

Call his bluff.

Say "brilliant - we'll both have such a better work life balance if you demote yourself. We can manage without the extra money. I'll be stricter about keeping to my hours too."

And maybe you will - if you try it

Wow! He sounds unpleasant. What does he do at the weekend?

Do you like him (at all)?

I hear you OP. So he says he cannot cook or do bedtimes due to work. Ok, so when he says “I am off to the gym as work has finished” say “nope, you can batch cook some meals now so that I can go to the gym tonight and I don’t have to cook from scratch when you are working!”

OP, your update took my breath away.

Seriously ... what is the point of this man?

Incidentally, my partner is very senior and earns twice what I do. Guess who does most of the school runs? Him. Because the skills and attitude that got him to his senior position (motivation, time management, knowing when to say no) also apply in real life.

Why is your partner so proud of his inability to do anything in his private life? Bit pathetic and lazy, isn’t it? What would his colleagues think about that lack of commitment and drive?

The pay-gap argument will only worsen if you each get % increments per year and he moves further ahead, while your children will be of an age to do more extra curricular activities, and the soccer/brownies/dance runs fall to you, @polexiaaphrodesia. Hope you get to reframe life to a fairer balance or the default setting will worsen. How will you manage school holidays? Would an au pair help? Can you work out the hours to divide and see if an extra adult pair of hands would give better balance?

I feel for you OP. Sounds like your husband needs a kick up the arse though, and an apology for being such a shockingly misogynist dinosaur might not also go amiss.

I thought I’d describe our setup in case it helps you plan a way forward and more equitable distribution of responsibility. Your DH needs to get out of the mindset that he can compensate for lack of time devoted to family life with his larger salary. It doesn’t work like that and I’m sorry he does not have enough professional respect for you.

DH and I both have senior City professional jobs. I earn less than him because I work 4 days a week but would earn the same if I were full time. We only have 1 child and won’t be having any more; DS is 4 and starts school in September.

I work part time because I wanted to have a day a week with DS. DH did not force me to do that. DS is in preschool 8am to 6pm Monday to Friday. He eats breakfast and tea there.

We do two nursery drop offs each per week, but we don’t have set days- we compare diaries and work around each other’s early meetings.

One day a week it is 100% set in stone that I will be working late and taking no part in any childcare of any description. This applies regardless of whether I am working from home or office. I find that hugely helpful as I can concentrate all evening with no interruptions and get work “in the bank” to compensate for the other evenings when I finish in time to do nursery pickup. I often work till 8 or 9pm that day, but I get paid very well and accept that long hours go with the territory. (When I was more junior it was 8pm or later every night, one day a week is a luxury by comparison!) DH has a formal flexible working agreement with his company that he finishes at 4.30 on that day (this was to allow for commute, though he can work later now that we are WFH due to Covid). If I have no work to do then it is my evening to meet friends or do whatever I fancy.

DH does bath every night and may or may not log on again afterwards. I do stories every night except my work late night. I cook but we get 3 meal boxes a week and have takeaway a couple of nights. We have a cleaner. We each do our own laundry and share responsibility for DS’s clothes, in a sort of ad-hoc way. DH is fully au fait with what is needed for preschool each morning, when they have special events etc.

DH takes DS swimming on Saturday mornings while I have a lie in. He lies in on a Sunday and I make us a nice breakfast.

We each flex a little bit if needed, but, crucially, neither of us thinks our job is more important than the other’s and no parenting role defaults to either of us on the basis of gender.

I hope that gives you some ideas. All the best.

Correction, DS in preschool 8am to 6pm Monday to THURSDAY, not Friday.

apparently he's now going to go down two rungs of the ladder to be on a par with me so we can split absolutely everything 50:50 because that's what I want

Call his bluff. Tell him yes. Tell him it might take a couple of years, but if he splits the work 50:50 it will enable you to climb the ladder and earn more (and that once you earn more than him you expect to be able to piss off to the gym while he has the kids).

@polexiaaphrodesia call his bluff. Tell him fine, you are going back to work full time, everything is now going to be split 50/50. Same time up each has one dc to get ready for the day, each has one dc to bring home, one cooks dinner the other washes up and cleans kitchen alternating nights, each puts one dc to bed, leisure time strictly divided one night on one night off each but only after dc in bed. He can fuck off with his extra earning potential because it's not benefiting you at all. If he doesn't like it you'll get divorced and he'll have to sort out the kids 50% of the time when he has them. What a wanker!

This thread is depressing, not sure I completely blame your DH, shouldn't it be normal to finish at 5pm?

All these people working at night, to be honest, a bet a lot of this work doesn't really have a point to it.

I now do what I have to do and don't stress about the "extra".. it has made so much difference!

My husband works from home and does 4 long days... often including weekends..

I prioritise and ask for time "out" to do additional that I cannot fit in..

Others do this and my senior manager (headteacher in my case!) told me to do so.. it has allowed me to manage my time so much more productively and not be afraid to use common sense!

Why are so many women still putting up with such crap from men🙄
I cannot believe that your dh leaves you working and goes to the gym, why would he not spend that time making the next evenings dinner etc.
Does he have any good qualities?

I also work in industry where extra ours are sometimes just needed, but do you REALLY have to do these evenings every day? You are already doing 8-5, I get that sometimes things just need finishing, but what would you do if you werent wfh? Stay in the office late everyday? If you always have to work late something is not right. Do you really have to? Or do you want to appear to be doing the hours? Are you really productive during the day? Do you have clear goals and responsibilties? Do you ever say no "i cant do this coz I am doing x,y,z this week". You need to be more assertive with both DP and work.

At almost midnight, I have just logged out of my work account and finished for day. It's unheard of for me not have to work in the evenings after my daughter goes to bed.

Fortunately, DH was up with her from 4.15am, despite then having to be out the house 7am-6pm doing an extremely demanding job that earns way more than mine.

I'd be so pissed off if my DH was like yours.

OP's last post makes me feel deeply sad for her. What an arsehole. After all the sacrifices the OP would make for her family, a man like this could just decide to leave and only pay a pittance towards the upkeep of his children (less if he plays along and demotes himself).

At almost midnight, I have just logged out of my work account and finished for day. It's unheard of for me not have to work in the evenings

Why? Just why?
If you can't manage your working day within a reasonable timeframe, you need to speak to your manager or their manager re hiring additional staff.
Employees should not be working until midnight.
That is for the self employed/business owners.

This thread is depressing, not sure I completely blame your DH, shouldn't it be normal to finish at 5pm?

Obviously that depends on your job. I get paid very well but for that I often have to put in extra hours. It’s just part of the job and I am rewarded for it with a high salary.

OP was it like this before covid? In some ways I think wfh has made it worse. Pre covid I would just tell OH what nights I was going to be late (sometimes work, sometimes seeing friends) and leave him to it. I often feel more falls to me now just because I’m there all the time.

OP please tell me he makes up for it at the weekend?

I often manage to carve some time out in the day to go to the gym, but it’s always rushed. I told OH the other day I’m going to start going to a class one evening a week so he’ll have to sort bath and bedtime. He’s fine with that.

Obviously that depends on your job. I get paid very well but for that I often have to put in extra hours. It’s just part of the job and I am rewarded for it with a high salary

I'm not singling out the above post but more the message in it which has appeared in other posts in this thread.

Those who are justifying logging off at midnight by saying they are getting high salaries, surely you are just working two regular hours jobs. Anyone with two jobs would earn twice their salary.

I'm a single mum to 15-month old twins, with a very senior role.
All the stuff I do with my babies, your husband could do.

Im up in the morning with the babies (and obviously do any night wake ups). My childminder comes at 8:15am. I work from then till about 6/6:30. I break at midday for 30 mins to give the babies lunch. I do all their cooking (batch cook shepherds pie/bolognese/chicken casserole etc) in evenings and weekends.
I try to finish at 6pm a couple of days a week to feed them dinner. Every night I do bath at 7pm, then bottle, story, bed at 8pm, sleep by 8:30. I frequently have a meeting at 8:30-9pm, or check emails/slacks.
Then have my dinner at 9, tidy up and in bed about 10:30 to read/watch Netflix for an hour or so.

Before kids, I used to work through till about 8pm/9pm. I would have thought it would be impossible to stop at 6pm. But now I've no choice, so I have to make it work. And I want to see my kids any minute I can! I'm sure it will impact future promotional opportunities, but that's life. Your husband could easily organize his schedule to do more. Does he not want to see/feed/play with his kids?

Those who are justifying logging off at midnight by saying they are getting high salaries, surely you are just working two regular hours jobs. Anyone with two jobs would earn twice their salary.

The above is so so true.

those of you working 60 hours a week for high salaries - divide your salary by the number of hours you work. Bet it's not so high then

@pinkmagnolias

At almost midnight, I have just logged out of my work account and finished for day. It's unheard of for me not have to work in the evenings

Why? Just why?
If you can't manage your working day within a reasonable timeframe, you need to speak to your manager or their manager re hiring additional staff.
Employees should not be working until midnight.
That is for the self employed/business owners.

I'm not an employee, I'm self-employed and the majority of my business falls in the afternoons and evenings. I never said my workload was unmanageable, only that it was unheard of for me not to work evenings.

Catra Yes as I said in my post - it is different for self employed and business owners.

He justifies it by earning 50% more than me

^

Hmm. So he's saying HIS time is worth more than yours?

Get a cleaner... Tell him, tomorrow, that you're getting a cleaner.

You're working 30 hours extra on top of him, so theoretically you're the higher earner.

Does he have any interest in you or the children? You've not given any indication that he does. Like Wegobshite said you need to stop doing things for him and just worry about yourself and the dc.

Don't reduce your income to accommodate more housework as that could limit your choices going forward. I would start finishing work half an hour earlier and see what difference if makes. If that works see if you can keep chipping away at it. As a pp said if you work out your actual hourly rate based on all the hours you work (paid+unpaid) it will be pretty rubbish.