To really hate DH working from home?

[manysummersago]

I’m sure I’m not the only one struggling with this.

He is sat in the dining room 830-6 every weekday. He seems to take more space than he actually does.

I hate feeling that he’s listening to everything I do and say. It just feels like I can never just be!

I feel you, I fully WFH and was used to having the place to myself. Then I went on mat leave the first week of lockdown and DH and DC1 were here all the time, plus new baby and as much as I love them I didn’t have a single moment to myself and I hated it. Luckily DC went back to nursery after a few months but because we couldn’t see anyone or go to any baby groups the rest of mat leave wasn’t really relaxing or fun.

I’m back at work now and it’s still weird having DH here all the time, luckily we’re on different floors but I still miss having a bit of peace and quiet and being apart gives us more to talk about. My lunch break is the only time I get to exercise so it’s really precious to me but he always suggesting I do errands or sneak in some sex , I feel like I can’t relax when I go upstairs now!

@vivainsomnia

But why is it that you do when you have the house for yourself that you can't do if your partner is working? As said, I get it if the house is small, but otherwise, what's the difference?

Lol What do you call a small house @vivainsomnia? Maybe one where you can’t separate two activities that aren’t compatible? Like work and just living in the house (as in being able to cook, watch Tv, have friends around, have a baby/toddler/child around doing normal child stuff)?

I understood that this is the situation the OP is in….

@billy1966

I completely get it OP.

It sounds like hell to me.

I think it is completely un fxxking natural to have a husband working from home.

I don't know a single woman who likes it.
Worse if you are both working, then throw in a baby or young children....hell on earth.

I have a spacious house and husband was away from us and HE was thrilled to get back to the office, not to mind me.

I think it is unreasonable that he has the living space and you feel forced to go out so much.

Completely unreasonable.

In fact I think it is very cheeky that so many companies expect young couples to automatically have the space and quiet to work from home.

I think it must be hellish for marriages.

OP, YANBU and I can well imagine it has ruined mat leave.

I adore an empty house, as does every single woman I know.

@tentimesaday

You clearly have issued with basic literacy and manners.

Perhaps try reading the thread before quoting people out of context......it really is very BASIC.

@vivainsomnia

But why is it that you do when you have the house for yourself that you can't do if your partner is working? As said, I get it if the house is small, but otherwise, what's the difference?

OP has said that her house is open plan and so her DH is working in the space she is also occupying all day, every day.

She is on mat leave trying to look after a baby, which isn't going to be easy when you've got someone trying to work and who's on and off calls so you need to be quiet. She can't let the baby cry, can't put music or TV on to keep baby entertained for while, can't have the TV on for herself while the baby sleeps next to her on the sofa, presumably can't even make food for herself or baby without making sure her DH isn't on calls beforehand as it will be noisy.

I don't get why it's difficult to appreciate why OP isn't happy? If you're sharing space with someone you have to be considerate in a way you don't have to be when you're on your own. I think most would want the freedom to manage their maternity leave how they saw fit, rather than having to work their days around their DH's work schedule.

@vivainsomnia

still don't think you are very nice Don't worry, I am in real life :)

I personally don't think it's very nice to say that you hate your OH being at home. I would be really upset if my OH said this about me, so it goes both ways. Most partners of people who have no choice but to work away would love to have them working from home.

She didn't say she hated her other half BEING at home.

She said she hated her other half WORKING from home.

There is a huge difference between those two statements. Especially in an open plan environment where you constantly feel shushed because he is on work calls and zoom meetings and you are a tired new mum on maternity leave.

That is exactly what it is!

She didn't say she hated her other half BEING at home.

She said she hated her other half WORKING from home.

There is a huge difference between those two statements. Especially in an open plan environment where you constantly feel shushed because he is on work calls and zoom meetings and you are a tired new mum on maternity leave.

Exactly, it's not like her DH is just off with her and the baby all the time so they are both free to do things together or do their own thing.

He is there working, so OP has to show consideration for that, which she is totally doing. But it negatively impacts her when she should be able to do be doing her own thing in her home. Presumably she can't even really have any one over to visit her and the baby for company when her DH is sitting there working in the same room?!

This is the reason I went back into the office a long time before my colleagues did. That honestly saved my sanity!
I could no longer stand the endless chatter about his job, his part time Uni course, the mess he leaves when making a sandwich.

I am really worried about retirement. I have to make sure I join plenty of clubs and remain in contact with friends so I can go and visit them.

I get it. I hate having my OH working in the house. I miss the solitude of having time on my own. He doesn't disturb me much, but I find the thought he could disturb me at any time quite unsettling.

@manysummersago

The problem is that I never have the house to myself. But never mind.

I get it, I need that mental space too. My mental health struggles when I don't.

@manysummersago

He’s in the office for three days next week!

Oh boy I’m happy.

🙌🎉🙌💃

This WFH stuff has also made me realise I won't be staying around at home during retirement! I will need to join lots of clubs. I like my own personal space. Didn't appreciate how much until recent times.

I don't think YABU at all OP, it sounds stressful. Obv its no-one's fault but still stressful. Me and DP were both WFH for a time last year when his office was shut and it was nice for a while but not ideal longterm, there's not enough space in our house really and I like to have time away from each other so I can look forward to seeing him if that makes sense. Now it's just me WFH and that is much better.

I hated H working from home. If the home was vacant all day I wouldn't have cared less. But the 'home' was my (and DS's who is at internet school) workplace. H took over with no consideration for our needs. The dog couldn't bark. DS had to be quiet as a mouse and police his movements. I couldn't even vacuum. Or use the washing machine etc - anything that made noise. I couldn't listen to R4 never mind blast out music to make the humdrum jobs a little less awful. The home became his office. I didn't want the house empty because I wanted peace to slob around. I wanted it to be a busy and sometimes noisy household where important stuff was done and I didn't have to apologise for my presence.

I’m sure I’m not the only one struggling with this.
He is sat in the dining room 830-6 every weekday. He seems to take more space than he actually does.
I hate feeling that he’s listening to everything I do and say. It just feels like I can never just be!

Are you me? I really do feel like my DH has massively invaded 'my' space, especially as he seems to leave something EVERYWHERE he goes! Makes a drink, leaves the milk out and even the bloody cutlery draw open. Opens the post and leaves it on the table - forever. Uses every single utensil or plate we possess to get a sandwich. He has an aversion to a clear, uncluttered surface. He is driving the whole family nuts!

Completely 100% with you @manysummersago and the many others on this thread. I have been with my DH for 30 years (married 27,) and I do love him, and enjoy his company (most of the time.) But my GOD I cannot stand him being at home all day. It's unnatural for a man to be at home IMO.

My dad, my uncles, my grandfather and every man I have ever known pre-2020, worked. And they worked at a workplace. Factory, foundry, coalmine, and a few in offices. Men did NOT work from home. It's fucking weird, and it's alien. I love my DH, and my mother loves my dad, and my nana loved my grandpa, but they would have gone doolally tap, with the men 'working from home.'

I work from home (and have done for a decade.) DH works in the service industry, and was on furlough for April, May, and June last year, and then AGAIN from early November to late May this year. First 3 months of him just sitting around the house, and then SIX MONTHS of it.

I was still working, and he was just at home, watching tv, following me around from room to room, asking 'what's for lunch,' and 'what's for tea,' and 'what's for supper,' and 'are we going to the shops tomorrow,' and 'have you heard from the kids today,' and 'are you all right - you're quiet' (I am fucking WORKING!) etc etc etc........

I found it stifling and suffocating, and frankly (as a pp said) it started to affect my mental health, because I wasn't getting a single second to myself. No 'me-time,' no peace, and even when I went for a walk, he always wanted to come, and he would always go to bed when I did, and get up when I did. Never a minute's peace ever.

I do sometimes wonder - although it's some 15 years away - how I am going to cope when we retire. Because my DH just never leaves the house unless I do. He has no hobbies, no friends, (just 3 or 4 work colleagues he socialises with 3 or 4 times a YEAR,) and he just follows me about everywhere!

He is back at work now - THANK FUCK! - he went back 3 weeks ago, and the bliss and relief is immense.

He applied for an 'office job' with the government in mid April (he works in retail now,) and this office job would have meant him working from home. He said 'how great will that be, me working from home and us being together all the time???' I was like .........

He got a response from them on Monday. He had been rejected.

I ran around the garden punching the air with joy!

I know. Some people probably think I'm a cunt. But I would have gone batshit crazy if he had got a job working from home.

All the holier than thou 'you don't sound like you love your husband very much' brigade can do one. Bore off with your smug judgemental comments. It's unnatural, abnormal and WRONG and WEIRD for a man to be home all day. They should be out at work, in the workplace!! Not getting under our feet, wandering around the house, manspreading, taking over every room, sneezing loudly, judging everything we do, talking loudly, and taking over fucking everything.

When I am preparing food at lunchtime or teatime, he wanders into the kitchen EVERY TIME. For a 'chat' or because he wants to get a drink, a spoon, the salt, a knife and fork, a tissue, a drink of water. Always, ALWAYS, finds a reason to come in and pester me when I am preparing the food at lunchtime or teatime. 2 out of 3 times he just stands there gawping at me. I am like 'what? WHAT do you want?' He says 'ooooh I am just coming in for a chat! Can't a man come and chat to his own wife?!' (NO! I AM BUSY! FUCK OFFFFFF!)

Back to work you go men. GO GO GO!!!!!!

We live in a tiny flat with one main room that you have to walk through to get to the other rooms in it. DH works in that room. He's on calls for nine hours a day, so if me or DD need to get to the bathroom/kitchen we have to creep through the room and open the doors really, really slowly so they don't squeak. I haven't watched TV or listened to music at home on a weekday since March last year - even with headphones on I can hear him because he sits right next to me. I can't clean the main room during the day. I've not been able to have the fan on or the windows open in the recent heat. He's about to change his shift pattern so he'll be on calls from 1pm until 10pm which will be a nightmare.

I've loved having him at home and I don't want him to go back but I feel you OP! I wish we had a separate room he could work in, then the set up would be perfect.

DH has been offered to go back to the office part time.
He doesn’t want to 😭😭

Does anyone have issues with a business provided laptop killing the wi fi to other devices when it's being used? DH'a yo yo laptop does this (it uses Forticlient)

@KeepingTrack

DH has been offered to go back to the office part time. He doesn’t want to 😭😭

Tell him 2/3 days for your sanity

@cappuccinoandcats

Does anyone have issues with a business provided laptop killing the wi fi to other devices when it's being used? DH'a yo yo laptop does this (it uses Forticlient)

Yes! Me and DD often can't use our devices.

@cappuccinoandcats, he has been going on about the fact he would just be in Teams/zoom call all day anyway to any colleague who is listening to him….

He’ll have to. Well if the ‘trial’ goes well and his company manages to put something in place that makes sense….

He works for a large University in admin . Getting him back in the office depends on what the University decides. I think they will be hotdesking. I will happily settle for 2 days a week. I'm dreading the holidays as 14 year old can't use playstation when DH is home or have friends around

thevampireswife

That sounds awful. I really don't think it's fair on people to have to creep round their own homes like that.

cappucinoandcars

They need to find a solution to this as it's really not fair on your son. He should be able to log on to Xbox when he gets home from school. It's a home not an office space.