To really hate DH working from home?

[manysummersago]

I’m sure I’m not the only one struggling with this.

He is sat in the dining room 830-6 every weekday. He seems to take more space than he actually does.

I hate feeling that he’s listening to everything I do and say. It just feels like I can never just be!

We both wfh at either ends of the dining table. For 15 mths now. Not that I’m counting..... I feel your pain. I can’t do what I want on my day off - I mean cleaning etc needs to be done around his meetings. And the children and I can’t have friends round in the daytime when we’re off and he’s working. None of this will change anytime soon really as most businesses will be operating hybrid type working. I really feel for you on mat leave though as sometimes it was nice just to flop,out and I imagine it’s all a but annoying with your DH around every time you want 5 mins peace!

The problem is he’s always said to just get on with what I’m doing, no one minds nursery rhymes or crying babies or whatever, but it’s not the point. It’s hard to explain, just the feeling of not being able to totally relax I think!

I don't agree with him - people really don't want to hear all this.

Also presumably you have to watch what you're saying as he could well be on a Teams call.

It sounds like OP is having to keep the children out the way. It's not fair on her or the children having to keep quiet all the time.

Do you have space in bedroom? Or garden? To relocate him.

My DH is in a separate study so it's mostly OK but I still have to be quieter than usual and using the hoover in the day time is impossible. I go out quite a bit.

My DH's current job has him WFH to save money on office space although he's been away visiting sites (Architect) on and off for over a month now. I am not sure if he enjoys it or not. I work part time but 30 hrs so get in with youngesr with him still working, that time is challenging as I would cook with the radio on but feel it is too loud now. Thay said, he has a new job and will be going to London every day they have specifically said they want someone who is keen to do client dinners etc so he won't be around much at all. I do wonder whether he is looking forward to some away from each other time!

JFC i didn't say the OP does nothing. Obvs she does if she's on ML.

And i know that it's hard with a WFH partner i have one too. And a student offspring.

But it helps to get a bit of perspective, no? Look at it from the other side?

But no. Wives are ALWAYS right and DH are ALWAYS wrong if they dare to be in the house during a PANDEMIC in an attempt to keep their job. If he stopped tomorrow would that roof still be there on OPs efforts alone? My understanding of the job and housing market in the UK suggests they both need to be at it to keep the house.

Alright Brefugee so what's your solution to the OP having no privacy or space to do anything in the house from 8-6? No grabbing a quick shower when baby sleeps as she may need to dash past a Zoom call in a towel to soothe suddenly waking baby; no grabbing a quick cup of tea when she has a moment because she'll have to wander through the dining room in the middle of a Teams meeting; no sitting on the living room floor talking bullshit to the baby while it does tummy time as she'll disturb the Very Important Man doing Very Important Work in her flipping open plan dining room. Having to be out of the house all the time, dealing with creating a napping schedule, breastfeeding, poonamis and vaccination reactions while camping out in cafes and parks? As you say there is a pandemic on and we should all be staying home as much as possible, esp tiny babies with fragile immune systems. Does she just have to suck that all up and be grateful the Big Man is "keeping a roof over her head"?

The 1950s called and they want your feminism back.

This thread has got weird. I read the OP's post as an understandable and mostly light hearted vent; after all she has just had a baby and must be exhausted and fed up with her own physical space being invaded.

This working at home business has been quite enlightening for many people about their partner's day life.

From the SAHP finding out that their partner are not in front of their computer or on the phone for 10 hours non stop as led to believe and somehow still to have quite a large number of breaks to go on the internet or play games.

Or the working parent who discovers that the SAHP doesn't spend all their time cleaning, running errands, doing paperwork as led to believe but indeed seem to find plenty of time to sit on the sofa or garden chair and come on Mumsnet for hours!

I get it OP. I’m a SAHM at the moment and there’s no way I could cope with my partner being in the same room as me all day, and nor the house if my youngest was a baby. It’s not ideal at all, like the poster above said, you can’t relax and let’s face it, you are allowed to relax on mat leave! Shift him out to a bedroom ASAP.

I think he needs to move out the dining room and into a spare bedroom for at least some of the day.

And embrace the PJs OP

@MareofBeasttown

This thread has got weird. I read the OP's post as an understandable and mostly light hearted vent; after all she has just had a baby and must be exhausted and fed up with her own physical space being invaded.

Same here. Its a common situation forced by lockdown for young families in small accommodation and its tough.

Employers using it to force staff to WFH long term beyond the pandemic and effectively subsidise their employer by providing their own offices out of their already cramped accommodation is pushing many couples to the edge.

This whole "women must never complain because the manly man does the real job" is very 1950s.

Op I sympathise. We live in a flat. WFH means I'm either in the kitchen, or on sofa/bed with laptop balanced on my knee. It is destroying our family life as there is now no delineation between work and home. Yesterday I cracked and emailed my Boss to say I'm refusing to do it anymore. As wfh is guidance, not law, its going to be interesting to see where this goes now with employment law.

I just wfh in the bedroom. On the bed with a laptop and good support pillow.

Can't he do that for say half the day to give you space.

@Brefugee The OP has a 24/7 job. The husband has a 9 to 5.

@MareofBeasttown

This thread has got weird. I read the OP's post as an understandable and mostly light hearted vent; after all she has just had a baby and must be exhausted and fed up with her own physical space being invaded.

I’m glad you’ve said that, someones described me as a ‘piece of work.’ I can’t believe how nasty some people get.

In fairness it isn’t quite as bleak as drained has said but if I do want to be totally away from his work I have to go to the bedroom which isn’t ideal really.

The thing is that like a lot of men (and I don’t mean that in a sexist way, a lot of my friends say the same) he doesn’t wake if the baby does, so I can have been up multiple times in a night and he won’t know so then I do feel lazy if I’m in my pyjamas which isn’t fair as actually I got about four hours broken sleep!

I’m not blaming DH for this but I am angry I’ve been painted as a lazy freeloader when I work full time, just on maternity leave, and I more than pull my weight parenting and around the home.

I completely get it OP.

It sounds like hell to me.

I think it is completely un fxxking natural to have a husband working from home.

I don't know a single woman who likes it.
Worse if you are both working, then throw in a baby or young children....hell on earth.

I have a spacious house and husband was away from us and HE was thrilled to get back to the office, not to mind me.

I think it is unreasonable that he has the living space and you feel forced to go out so much.

Completely unreasonable.

In fact I think it is very cheeky that so many companies expect young couples to automatically have the space and quiet to work from home.

I think it must be hellish for marriages.

OP, YANBU and I can well imagine it has ruined mat leave.

I adore an empty house, as does every single woman I know.

This thread is an eye opener. Cripes. I utterly empathise OP, it was bloody miserable having my husband WFH. I’m delighted he’s back in the office. I’d be absolutely caned altogether if I’d posted, for I don’t work and I’m not raising children, but I still deserve a bit of space and privacy.

He’s in the office for three days next week!

Oh boy I’m happy.

I hate it too, and to add to that I've got two adult dc back here because of the pandemic also wfh. I feel like I never get the house to myself (I also wfh!)

Dh loves it i hate it. Im studying and will be doing an assignment when he all casually strolls in wanting a chat.. as suddenly he has a break and wants some human contact... and bang goes my trail of thought and its so frustrating. .. we have at least got a separate room for him

I’m retired early due to ill health. DH now WFH, DS left school last year and is now working a night shift. His GF has just finished University and will end up staying probably half the summer holiday. So quite a busy house but all adults.

We have made the spare room in to an office so that really makes it ok. Sounds like your open plan living does make things hard. Is there any way you could have a partition wall installed.

Really interesting to hear all this. We just moved as DH WFH and I have just started ML (baby not here yet so resting and nesting). He has his own study, says he doesn't want to be disturbed so I leave him be. Yesterday he came downstairs whilst I was watching TV (something I feel guilty about because I feel I should be doing chores) and he comes in to chat to me. Then he gets in a huff because I don't turn the TV off and I get a passive aggressive text about me not making time to chat. Um... you said you were working. I think the "house to yourself" thing is going to be a struggle for me when baby is here.

@Enko

Dh loves it i hate it. Im studying and will be doing an assignment when he all casually strolls in wanting a chat.. as suddenly he has a break and wants some human contact... and bang goes my trail of thought and its so frustrating. .. we have at least got a separate room for him

I hear you!! I would be halfway through a really complicated calculation and he would waltz in and start talking (read shouting) to me about sport....

I’m not blaming DH for this but I am angry I’ve been painted as a lazy freeloader when I work full time, just on maternity leave, and I more than pull my weight parenting and around the home
So why do you feel guilty doing what you want? Because that's what it comes down to. You want to be able to relax without the guilt.

Either your guilt is totally unfunded, your OH wouldn't think any less of you if you just did what you want, it's just guilt engrained from always being on the go before maternity leave. If that's the case, you just need to let it go.

Or is it that you want to be able to moan that you never have time for yourself, that life is hard looking after a baby, and he needs to pull his weight more evenings and weekends, but you can't really do so if indeed, you spend hours a day doing nothing but relaxing knowing that your OH is working really hard all through the day.

Or is it because the house is a tip, you do spend little time doing any cleaning, but you don't want your OH to see that this is the case?

It really is the worst of both worlds. He is working, so I don’t get any help, but at the same time because he’s here there’s no distinction between work and home.