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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really hate DH working from home?

232 replies

manysummersago · 15/06/2021 18:01

I’m sure I’m not the only one struggling with this.

He is sat in the dining room 830-6 every weekday. He seems to take more space than he actually does.

I hate feeling that he’s listening to everything I do and say. It just feels like I can never just be!

OP posts:
CassandrasCastle · 16/06/2021 08:39

I get you OP!! For 5 months last year we lived in a studio flat - large yes, but obviously open plan apart from the bathroom; often I just wanted to go and sit in there... I was also on ML, with baby aged 5 months at the beginning of it. I love DP so much, but there he was all day in the middle of the living space Shock I hated that I couldn't just veg out with the baby, or have a shower without freaking out that she would wake up.

I went out a LOT during those months, even though a lot of the time it was freezing and I couldn't go indoors. It kind of forced me to make loads of connections in a new city I suppose, so there's that!

MareofBeasttown · 16/06/2021 08:40

Jesus fucking Christ. Stop badgering the OP and asking her to list the housework she does. Anyone who is looking after a baby in this pandemic is entitled to moan and deserves a medal.

cricketmum84 · 16/06/2021 08:44

@vivainsomnia wow. That was totally uncalled for.

It's a lighthearted moan about having someone else in your space 24 hours a day for the last 15 months and you turn it into an accusation that OP doesn't clean enough.

JFC!

Whyhello · 16/06/2021 08:49

I hated it when DH WFH too, especially during the last lockdown. I was trying my best to homeschool 3 primary aged DC as well as juggling a toddler and baby and he kept poking his head around the door to tell us to be quiet! It was the middle of winter so absolutely freezing so I didn’t really want to go sit out in the garden as we did during the first lockdown last year. I just felt totally stuck and when he decided to work past his usual finish time I got so petty, I started getting the kids to bash on the piano. Feel much better now he’s back at work properly.

It just feels so invasive when they’re around 24/7, I feel your pain.

Cherries590 · 16/06/2021 08:51

@vivainsomnia

I’m not blaming DH for this but I am angry I’ve been painted as a lazy freeloader when I work full time, just on maternity leave, and I more than pull my weight parenting and around the home So why do you feel guilty doing what you want? Because that's what it comes down to. You want to be able to relax without the guilt.

Either your guilt is totally unfunded, your OH wouldn't think any less of you if you just did what you want, it's just guilt engrained from always being on the go before maternity leave. If that's the case, you just need to let it go.

Or is it that you want to be able to moan that you never have time for yourself, that life is hard looking after a baby, and he needs to pull his weight more evenings and weekends, but you can't really do so if indeed, you spend hours a day doing nothing but relaxing knowing that your OH is working really hard all through the day.

Or is it because the house is a tip, you do spend little time doing any cleaning, but you don't want your OH to see that this is the case?

This is utterly mean. I bet you fizzed with hateful glee when typing it.
C8H10N4O2 · 16/06/2021 09:10

Or is it because the house is a tip, you do spend little time doing any cleaning, but you don't want your OH to see that this is the case?

Yep, definitely the 1950s.

OP just get up extra early to put on your best frock and lipstick, make sure that The Man can have the only living space in peace but at the same time keep it immaculate because having given birth this is your job.

You are not allowed to complain or have a bit of a whinge about a difficult time or about the fact that your DH's employer is planning to use your living room as free office space.

HollowTalk · 16/06/2021 09:19

Some people don't seem to understand that the OP is having to spend her maternity leave in her husband's office. Who the hell would want to do that?

Original poster
manysummersago · 16/06/2021 09:23

To try to explain.

Let’s say I go to the pub with my husband and his mates. He isn’t doing anything wrong and he’s nit talking about me, but I’m there. Can people not appreciate how this alters the dynamics?

Incidentally I do a lot around the house, not that I’m a cleaner.

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 16/06/2021 09:34

That's exactly it OP,spot on,whole dynamic of the household changes. We're out the other side now but last year was hell, this year he's been 'banished' to a suitable work space and there's no wandering all over the house with his phone. Loud phone calls are an ongoing issue but he's emailed work and ordered a headset so that might help. And I remind him not to shout... frequentlyHmmGrin

SpilltheTea · 16/06/2021 09:37

Why can't he work in the bedroom?

beingsunny · 16/06/2021 09:41

I understand.

My DP an I are both WFH 4 days a week, he doesn't go out except for the occasional lunchtime to get food.

I miss time at home by myself.

Not that I'm doing anything weird, I just enjoy it.

You rent weird dinging it a bit stifling, can you encourage him to take up walking at lunch or something in the evenings?

Maybe buy him some noise cancelling headphones.

vivainsomnia · 16/06/2021 09:52

It's a lighthearted moan about having someone else in your space 24 hours a day for the last 15 months and you turn it into an accusation that OP doesn't clean enough
Read the full post before throwing accusations. I started by saying that maybe there is an element o guilt, which OP states that comes from thinking she needs to do it all when she doesn't and her OH is perfectly happy with her relaxing in her pyjamas.

I don't think you can compare the pub analogy with this. Your OH is working, getting on with it. He is taking space, that's all. So unless the house is very small and this means you can't access the rooms you would normally use, then how is it stopping you getting on with what you would normally do? How does he working in the living room stopping you staying in your pyjamas if that's what you want to do?

billy1966 · 16/06/2021 10:00

OP, definitely look at moving things around in the bedroom so that he can even work half the day there.

It is totally unreasonable that he gets the main living space, quite selfish actually.

tentimesaday · 16/06/2021 10:26

@billy1966

OP, definitely look at moving things around in the bedroom so that he can even work half the day there.

It is totally unreasonable that he gets the main living space, quite selfish actually.

Ffs, do people not get it? It's not him working in the dining room per se that is driving OP up the wall. It's him being present in the house 24/7 and her never having the house to herself. Totally relate and completely sympathise - it's crap isn't it, and yet you can't really say anything as you are aware he's not being unreasonable. Humans weren't meant to share a space 24/7!!!
vivainsomnia · 16/06/2021 10:46

Why should people think they should be entitled to having a joint house to themselves for 10 hours a day? I really don't get it.

Yes, it's nice when it happens, but it's not a due, and as to hating it, it seems so extreme. Humans were absolutely meant to share housing. What will you do when your children are 16 onwards and spend the whole summer in the house?

JassyRadlett · 16/06/2021 10:46

Knowing quite a few people in this situation who are finding it challenging - is there space in the budget for a shared working space for him one day a week?

Only works if you can afford it and have one nearby, of course. And it will probably also depend on your local Covid situation and personal risk appetite.

I think the combo of mat leave and an open plan living/dining space being used as working space would do my head in. When you're doing night wakings sometimes you just want to flop on the sofa with a baby asleep on your chest and watch rubbish without worrying about whether it's disturbing someone else. And sometimes you want to play dopey games with your baby without worrying about ditto.

We're lucky enough to have separate working spaces and the kids at school but I'll admit that a couple of times recently I've taken advantage of some meeting free time and taken the laptop to a cafe for a bit just to break the tedium of these walls and give DH some respite from having me in the house. He's gone in to his office a couple of times since April and it was GLORIOUS.

cricketmum84 · 16/06/2021 11:00

@vivainsomnia

It's a lighthearted moan about having someone else in your space 24 hours a day for the last 15 months and you turn it into an accusation that OP doesn't clean enough Read the full post before throwing accusations. I started by saying that maybe there is an element o guilt, which OP states that comes from thinking she needs to do it all when she doesn't and her OH is perfectly happy with her relaxing in her pyjamas.

I don't think you can compare the pub analogy with this. Your OH is working, getting on with it. He is taking space, that's all. So unless the house is very small and this means you can't access the rooms you would normally use, then how is it stopping you getting on with what you would normally do? How does he working in the living room stopping you staying in your pyjamas if that's what you want to do?

I did read the full post.

I still don't think you are very nice.

vivainsomnia · 16/06/2021 11:07

still don't think you are very nice
Don't worry, I am in real life :)

I personally don't think it's very nice to say that you hate your OH being at home. I would be really upset if my OH said this about me, so it goes both ways. Most partners of people who have no choice but to work away would love to have them working from home.

TheMerrickBoy · 16/06/2021 11:18

OP it is totally normal to feel like this. I also miss both the pattern of the day that DP's going to and coming back from work used to have, and the sense of having the house to myself sometimes. As long as they're there working (I always had a certain amount of time WFH even pre-Covid) it's a reminder that everything isn't normal, apart from anything else.

You can love someone very dearly and not want to see them 24/7.

tentimesaday · 16/06/2021 11:24

This:
You can love someone very dearly and not want to see them 24/7

InTheDrunkTank · 16/06/2021 11:26

Yanbu I know what you mean op. I love having the house to myself and it feels different with DH here.

vivainsomnia · 16/06/2021 11:28

But why is it that you do when you have the house for yourself that you can't do if your partner is working? As said, I get it if the house is small, but otherwise, what's the difference?

Paq · 16/06/2021 11:32

Do you have a garden you can put a posh shed in?

Original poster
manysummersago · 16/06/2021 11:36

Enough people have replied to say they would feel the same. So while I can understand that you can’t personally relate I do think it’s a bit arrogant to keep insisting you must be correct.

OP posts:
Original poster
manysummersago · 16/06/2021 11:37

Sorry paq - not really and plus there isn’t a nice way I can tell him to sod off!

OP posts: