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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really hate DH working from home?

232 replies

manysummersago · 15/06/2021 18:01

I’m sure I’m not the only one struggling with this.

He is sat in the dining room 830-6 every weekday. He seems to take more space than he actually does.

I hate feeling that he’s listening to everything I do and say. It just feels like I can never just be!

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 15/06/2021 20:53

I hear you op - we both wfh although H goes out on site. It the days when he's here all day it drives me mad!

He doesn't understand that I am on a schedule of teams calls with a short break for lunch. When it's my break I need to eat, drink, do some quick chores and get back online. He gets annoyed that I can't wait for him to have lunch together!

Plus he wants to talk at me about his day and things that have annoyed him- but I've heard it all already!!!!!

I hardly ever got the house to myself and now it's even rarer that I do. H resents me ever sitting down or relaxing even though I work longer hours and earn the higher wages.

Stovetopespresso · 15/06/2021 20:55

it's not to do with being awful though, it just coming to terms with the feeling of never having your own space!

I hear you op. i have some strategies: headphones in at various times, radio firmly on and gently saying you want to hear the end of the programme (so not open to conv) , seeing friends out of the house, making sure I get alone time eg getting up an hour earlier than he does.
could you gently suggest he work when he's working and so make some mental space between you during office hours?

Brefugee · 15/06/2021 20:56

All of you blithely saying he should work in the bedroom: that is the shity solution and really he shouldn't do that. One of the problems that has been pointed out about WFH is how the separation between work and not work becomes blurred and it is worse if you work where you sleep. It isn't good for your mental health.

So many people on ML and SAHP telling me it's a full on job and they don't have time to lounge around, though. You're doing it wrong, OP.

frumpety · 15/06/2021 20:57

@Brefugee have you discovered a way for men to carry children and give birth towards the end of pregnancy, if you have, please share because I am sure there are millions of women out there who would like the opportunity to hand over the last few weeks in this heat !

Original poster
manysummersago · 15/06/2021 21:02

I’ve been sat for over an hour shushing and comforting a crying baby. I don’t think staying in my pyjamas for an hour or so in the morning watching daytime telly is massively unreasonable tbh.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 15/06/2021 21:03

oh here we go... sure they can't have babies. They can have parental leave though - mine did. He was great.

What i mean is: the OPs DH has to work from home to keep a roof over her head. Sure, it bugs her but she's being U to moan about it in terms of "waahhhh i can't slob around"

I have sympathy - when my DH was WFH there were too many people in the house and it was a pain in the backside. But these are strange times and i was happy that he still had work. And more than happy that i now have work because i lost my job due to COVID.

OP hasn't said how long she's been on ML. Doesn't seem like it's only been a week or so though. I have a certain amount of sympathy with her, but more for the DH. I'm sure he's noticed how unwelcome he is in his own home.

Original poster
manysummersago · 15/06/2021 21:04

Roof over my head? What the hell?!

OP posts:
Poptart4 · 15/06/2021 21:04

@manysummersago

The problem is he’s always said to just get on with what I’m doing, no one minds nursery rhymes or crying babies or whatever, but it’s not the point. It’s hard to explain, just the feeling of not being able to totally relax I think!
But YOU do mind and you really need to get that point across to him. I'd hate my partners colleagues hearing me singing along with with my toddler or giving out to the older children who are fighting over nothing yet again. Your having to be constantly aware of what your doing/saying.... always being "on". It sounds exhausting. Everyone has the right to be able to completely relax on their own home.

He's being incredibly selfish.

Its time to sit down and work out a long term solution. If wfh is going to be a permanent thing then he absolutely needs his own work space that is not smack bang in the middle of the house. I know space and money might be limited but there has to be something you can do.

Mrstwiddle · 15/06/2021 21:08

I really feel for you, I think you need to start saving for a shed/office if this is a permanent state of affairs. It would drive me insane.

Mrstwiddle · 15/06/2021 21:09

And yes, agree with PP, it’s very selfish of him to be taking up the main living area.

frumpety · 15/06/2021 21:10

Quite right ! she should put up and shut up like the good little wifey, always put her needs after her poor DH's, he's a man don't you know, so very important, his work is far more important and must automatically pay more than that of his wifes, he alone is entirely responsible for all financial security of the family. Have we honestly time hopped back to the 70's ?

Original poster
manysummersago · 15/06/2021 21:11

Apparently so Confused

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 15/06/2021 21:11

I'm sure the OP also helps keep a roof over their heads @Brefugee. Hmm She's just had their baby, so right now pjs and daytime TV is a perfectly reasonable way to spend the day.

And no he's not being "incredibly selfish" @Poptart4, ffs

seastargirl · 15/06/2021 21:19

Mat leave with someone working in the house must be so so hard, you just want to relax with baby but don't feel like you can.

My DH works upstairs, but I still feel like we have to be out quite a lot in the day and never feel like I can just chill out like I would if the house was empty

Original poster
manysummersago · 15/06/2021 21:21

I’m always out and it does get a bit exhausting tbh. Even in the evening if he’s still working we have to go out.

OP posts:
Poptart4 · 15/06/2021 21:21

@BarbarianMum

I'm sure the OP also helps keep a roof over their heads *@Brefugee*. Hmm She's just had their baby, so right now pjs and daytime TV is a perfectly reasonable way to spend the day.

And no he's not being "incredibly selfish" @Poptart4, ffs

He absolutely is @BarbarianMum

He's totally taken over the house and caused his wife a lot of stress and he hasnt even noticed she's unhappy. Why should he? He's alright ....

lovemelongtime · 15/06/2021 21:23

It's hard work, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Unfortunately over of those things were are having to adapt to, bit no you are not BU. Feel your pain!

AngeloMysterioso · 15/06/2021 21:24

My DH is also WFH, and the only place he can do it is in our bedroom. His desk is next to our bed... I can never have a nap while DS is napping or at the childminders because he’s there, on conference calls or hammering away at the keyboard like it’s done something to piss him off.

Original poster
manysummersago · 15/06/2021 21:24

Tbh it was meant as more of a jokey moan. I’m a bit upset it’s being pulled apart elsewhere. Not really what you need!

I’m not saying I want him out all the time but never ever getting to be alone in the house is quite suffocating. I’m sure he’d feel the same if I never left the house. As it is though he does get hours and hours to chill in an empty house and I don’t.

OP posts:
frumpety · 15/06/2021 21:25

I do think it is interesting, if I had my days off at the weekend, DH had no issue just slobbing around on the sofa because he wasn't at work, yet as a woman I always had this feeling like I should look like I was doing something if I was on my day off and he was working.

EL8888 · 15/06/2021 21:36

You have my sympathy. My fiancé has just got a job working from home 100%. I have been looking for a new job for a while but l gave massively stepped up my efforts. I’m working from home about 80% of the time in my current role and we might kill each other!!!

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 15/06/2021 21:37

I would hate that too as much as love him

NannyAndJohn · 15/06/2021 21:46

Can he work from the car for a couple of hours a day to give you some space?

Alfiemoon1 · 15/06/2021 21:59

I totally get you op and I am the one wfh in the back room minding my own business not disturbing anyone and I am sure my dh feels the same as you at times even though he can do what he did previously watch tv etc without disturbing me I have previously worked part time or weekends and thoroughly enjoyed my days off in the week on my own with dc at school I never did anything exciting just the house work the food shop but enjoyed time to myself. Dh works nights and I am sure used to enjoy coming home mid morning to empty house now he has ds 16 upstairs as he’s just finished school and me in the house.

cricketmum84 · 15/06/2021 22:03

Me and DH have worked from home together from March 20 to April 21. Fuck knows how we didn't divorce.

I tell you the day he started a new job and they wanted him the office all day was amazing. I get every day to concentrate on my job without him constantly shouting on the phone (I don't think he realises how loud he is) and coming into my workspace to tell me boring inane shit I didn't need to know.

It's done our relationship the world of good!

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