It’s happening again....

[TierTired87]

I posted a while back about some issues I was having with my husband at the end of 2020.

Things have been good since. We spoke and he understood and everything had been fine.

Recently, LITTLE things are starting to creep back in in the last week.

So, this week my bag split at the till of the supermarket. They replaced everything that broke and apologised - yet he still says it’s my fault for overloading the bag. And keeps bringing it up.

I was painting some old furniture in the garden and spilt some on the decking and he came out in front of all the builders next door and told me to clean it up really loudly. I did and he watched. One of the builders asked if I was OK after.

Before this incident, he burnt a hole in our carpet from putting hot ash in a plastic bag. I just made a joke - but I was livid. I realised how it would be if it was the other way around.

At the weekend, we were going to the beach (we live by the coast). It was hot and our lovely older neighbours said they’d look after DD for the afternoon. I explicitly said not to take the dogs as it was hot and he agreed. Then he got annoyed I had apparently picked the wrong beach towel (not his favourite one) and then next thing he had the dogs leads on and they were coming. He kept asking me why I was quiet at the beach and then said ‘the dogs are hot, we shouldn’t have bought them’ and nipped them home. I REALLY wanted to say something.

And I constantly feel like he is poking me for reactions. Bringing up everything small, winding me up.

I don’t know. Am I being overly sensitive?

We’ve had some serious issues, but I thought they were ironed out.

I know it’s late. But I can’t sleep.

[Oscaree]

@Whysolong7 She's saying she doesn't want to leave him, so what do you suggest? That she stay in an abusive relationship with no coping strategies and no one to show her that she could get/do better?

I suggested she get counselling ALONE first - and most ppl go to counselling because of someone else. My thoughts were that she go get help and she may very likely change her mind about wanting to stay and not even get to couples counselling.

Every time I read of a woman on here have problems with their partner the only response is to dump him. No one seems to consider the poster might have children, might not be able to leave, not want to leave, might even like the guy some of the time.

[Guavafish]

Try couples counselling

You have to communicate with your husband and if your too frightened to express yourself how will it work?

[JSL52]

@Guavafish

Try couples counselling

You have to communicate with your husband and if your too frightened to express yourself how will it work?

You can't do couples counselling with your abuser.

[Thelnebriati]

''The primary reason we don’t recommend couples counseling is that abuse is not a “relationship problem.” Couples counseling may imply that both partners contribute to the abusive behavior, when the choice to be abusive lies solely with the abusive partner.''

www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/

[knittingaddict]

[quote Thelnebriati]''The primary reason we don’t recommend couples counseling is that abuse is not a “relationship problem.” Couples counseling may imply that both partners contribute to the abusive behavior, when the choice to be abusive lies solely with the abusive partner.''

www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/[/quote]
Exactly. The abused woman doesn't need to change herself to stay. She needs to change herself to leave. The abused woman is a victim and the only thing she contributes to the treatment she receives is being there. All the abusive man needs is a victim.

[Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep]

[quote Thelnebriati]''The primary reason we don’t recommend couples counseling is that abuse is not a “relationship problem.” Couples counseling may imply that both partners contribute to the abusive behavior, when the choice to be abusive lies solely with the abusive partner.''

www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/[/quote]
In addition, abusers often use what is said by the victim in the 'safety' of the counselling session as fuel to enact further abuse or to more accurately target the abuse. It's unsafe and it makes abuse worse, not better

[ImprobablePuffin]

HRTFT yet BUT why are you with him? Why don't you believe you deserve better?

[ImprobablePuffin]

Ok I am actually caught up now on both threads.
OP - you're asking the same questions but not listening to the answers.

You need to ACCEPT THAT YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HIM. EVER.

You need to REALISE HE IS AN ABUSER

If you can't leave for your own sake, leave for your child. Surely your child is more important to you than him?