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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s happening again....

133 replies

TierTired87 · 15/06/2021 01:19

I posted a while back about some issues I was having with my husband at the end of 2020.

Things have been good since. We spoke and he understood and everything had been fine.

Recently, LITTLE things are starting to creep back in in the last week.

So, this week my bag split at the till of the supermarket. They replaced everything that broke and apologised - yet he still says it’s my fault for overloading the bag. And keeps bringing it up.

I was painting some old furniture in the garden and spilt some on the decking and he came out in front of all the builders next door and told me to clean it up really loudly. I did and he watched. One of the builders asked if I was OK after.

Before this incident, he burnt a hole in our carpet from putting hot ash in a plastic bag. I just made a joke - but I was livid. I realised how it would be if it was the other way around.

At the weekend, we were going to the beach (we live by the coast). It was hot and our lovely older neighbours said they’d look after DD for the afternoon. I explicitly said not to take the dogs as it was hot and he agreed. Then he got annoyed I had apparently picked the wrong beach towel (not his favourite one) and then next thing he had the dogs leads on and they were coming. He kept asking me why I was quiet at the beach and then said ‘the dogs are hot, we shouldn’t have bought them’ and nipped them home. I REALLY wanted to say something.

And I constantly feel like he is poking me for reactions. Bringing up everything small, winding me up.

I don’t know. Am I being overly sensitive?

We’ve had some serious issues, but I thought they were ironed out.

I know it’s late. But I can’t sleep.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/06/2021 06:42

Why don’t you want to leave. Is it financial?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/06/2021 06:43

@Aquamarine1029

I don’t want to leave. I just want him to be a better and more aware person

This simply isn't going to happen, op. What you see is what you get. You just have to decide how many more days or years you're willing to waste until you accept it.

If you want to know how bad he is, a stranger felt it necessary to ask if you were ok after your husband humiliated and berated you. That's how bad it is. Don't allow your child to grow up in this environment. He will soon be doing this to her.

This ^

You're hoping he'll be something he's not...he's an abuser.

He's just destabilising you... He CAN behave like a human being... But chooses not to...

This abusive behaviour is purely functional (he can HELP it), it keeps you permanently walking on eggshells /knowing not which way is 'up'.

Please don't let him continue the abuse to the next generation... They will either become the next victim/survivor or abuser...

Please break the cycle.

Good luck

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/06/2021 06:47

You won’t change him OP, I’ve been there, tried that.

DinosaurDiana · 15/06/2021 06:48

They don’t change, move on,

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/06/2021 06:51

@Mummadeze

You don’t sound ready to leave him. I understand because I can’t find the courage to leave my partner either. The problem is, the longer you leave it, the harder it gets because your self esteem erodes and you start to get so used to the way of life. I have found a million ways to cope and survive being in a controlling relationship. But deep down I know life could be so much easier and happier either on my own or with someone balanced and kind. Pandering to them doesn’t work because they will pick arguments out of nothing. My partner criticises me to make himself feel better. He will fabricate a fault even if there isn’t one. A lot of the time I don’t let it go, I do argue back because I don’t want to be a victim. But this just leads to either a bigger, scarier row or to periods of prolonged sulking. So then I sometimes take the low level abuse, for an easier life. When he does now say something normal, after so much negativity, it feels like the best compliment and I start to feel stupidly grateful that he is being ‘nice’. The high and low feeling is a bit addictive too when your self esteem is low. You may not be experiencing all this now but after years and years, the bad times outweigh the good when you are with someone who is a bit of a bully and controlling. They can’t help themselves and they usually don’t want to change. I am 17 years into my relationship and it feels impossible to get out of. I just wanted to give you a perspective that may make you think about whether this life is what you really want.
Am sorry you're going through this.

There will come a time you think you'll be able to leave.

Your life is worth so much more than this.

TheoMeo · 15/06/2021 06:51

There is something wrong with him.
You are a nice person, he is a sadist, or a bully, or a woman hater. He is belittling you and deliberately making reasons to be nasty to you. Eg the dogs, egwatching you clean up paint in front of everyone.
He needs to WANT to get to the bottom of why he does this to you. If he doesn't want to change you have to leave him.
Work out what leaving would involve- financially, where he/ you would live, speak to a solicitor etc then from a position of confidence about your future speak to him about it. You will probably be able to tell if he is going to change or not.

SmellThis · 15/06/2021 06:52

He is aware
He is belittling, controlling, rude and dismissive of your feelings
Speak to someone you trust in RL
It's not a healthy relationship

Woweelibfree · 15/06/2021 06:56

He is CHOOSING to behave like he is. Is this the behaviour of someone decent?
Only you can choose to move on and make a new life for yourself.
Wish you luck OP.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 15/06/2021 06:57

Yeah; if the builders next door are asking if you're ok, it's time to get out. It doesn't sound like he's willing to/capable of, change.

willowmelangell · 15/06/2021 06:58

You want the nice version of him.
There are only different degrees of abusive in him.

Keep talking to us while you think about things.

Zenithal · 15/06/2021 07:08

To be blunt, there's no point posting on here and asking people to waste their time trying to make you feel better when the only solution is to leave him. He is clearly a complete asshole and he will not change. YABU to expect him to change. YANBU to feel upset with the way he treats you but don't stick around and allow it!

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/06/2021 07:12

@PracticingPerson

I don’t want to leave. I just want him to be a better and more aware person. This isn't going to happen. Think you either need to accept how he is or leave. Flowers
This. Sorry op. Please don’t stay - life is too short. He won’t change.
lazylump72 · 15/06/2021 07:13

He is an classic abusive controlling bully OP.Get out of there.It will escalate beyond you to the children,I promise you it will. I am sorry x

Bourbonic · 15/06/2021 07:14

You're not being oversensitive at all. It must be absolutely soul destroying to have someone chipping away at you all the time and he sounds so cruel too.

But the real question is what are you prepared to do about it? You've had the conversation and only seen a temporary change. Do you think you'll ever see a permanent change? Do you even want to?

GelfBride · 15/06/2021 07:14

Y'know that builder that asked if you were OK? That's the sort of bloke you need. Go for an upgrade.

lightand · 15/06/2021 07:16

@Anordinarymum

You say it's happening again. How did you make it stop the last time ?
Yes. This.
DrSbaitso · 15/06/2021 07:18

He will not change, OP. People generally don't unless they want to and he doesn't want to. Your decisions need to be based on that knowledge.

billy1966 · 15/06/2021 07:20

Nasty, vicious, controlling bully, who won't change.

Your poor child being reared in this home.

Don't have another child with this pig.

He is who he is.

The question is how many years of yours and your daughters life are you going to sacrifice.?

Bourbonic · 15/06/2021 07:21

Also you have to remember that you cannot change someone else's attitude or behaviour. All you can do is change how you respond to it. You can accept it or you can reject it.

Have you got anybody who can support you?

Beautiful3 · 15/06/2021 07:30

Its never going to get better. You'll stay with him until one day, something bad happens and he really loses it. You'll get scared and hurt and everyone will know about it. What a waste of your life. You know what you have to do.

Twoforthree · 15/06/2021 07:32

The builder thought it wasn’t ok- so you definitely shouldn’t.

Chloemol · 15/06/2021 07:35

He is not going to change and you need to accept that and then decide if it’s really worth staying with him

If you stay then you accept what he will do and can’t moan about it

Personally I would be leaving, life is too short

DaisyFeather · 15/06/2021 07:35

This is awful OP. Even if he is capable of change (but so very improbable) he doesn’t want to change for you. I know this from very recent experience - I tried so hard to make my marriage work. It’s about six weeks since DH gifted my freedom by deciding he was done. I had one wobble about reconciliation but he was an absolute asshole when I brought it up and within 48 hours I embraced my freedom and possibility and feel like I’m breathing for the first time in years.

I still love him but me and DD are more important.

You can’t make this better. Only he can and he’s got no intention of doing so. And you’ll start reacting to things preemptively to try to protect yourself and it will get even worse because he’ll then have found a way to make it ‘your fault.’ But it’s not, none of it is.

One thing that has got me through is that I’ve always known I didn’t need him. I wanted and chose him but not once ever have I needed him. If I had, he’d have let me down daily. No one should have that kind of power over you.

Esspee · 15/06/2021 07:35

Time for an ultimatum. He either treats you with respect or leaves.

Ellpellwood · 15/06/2021 07:36

This is dead in the water, OP. He sounds like a prick that has decided you're only worthy of mental abuse and bullying. You won't change his view now.

He'll do it to your child too.

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