Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s happening again....

133 replies

TierTired87 · 15/06/2021 01:19

I posted a while back about some issues I was having with my husband at the end of 2020.

Things have been good since. We spoke and he understood and everything had been fine.

Recently, LITTLE things are starting to creep back in in the last week.

So, this week my bag split at the till of the supermarket. They replaced everything that broke and apologised - yet he still says it’s my fault for overloading the bag. And keeps bringing it up.

I was painting some old furniture in the garden and spilt some on the decking and he came out in front of all the builders next door and told me to clean it up really loudly. I did and he watched. One of the builders asked if I was OK after.

Before this incident, he burnt a hole in our carpet from putting hot ash in a plastic bag. I just made a joke - but I was livid. I realised how it would be if it was the other way around.

At the weekend, we were going to the beach (we live by the coast). It was hot and our lovely older neighbours said they’d look after DD for the afternoon. I explicitly said not to take the dogs as it was hot and he agreed. Then he got annoyed I had apparently picked the wrong beach towel (not his favourite one) and then next thing he had the dogs leads on and they were coming. He kept asking me why I was quiet at the beach and then said ‘the dogs are hot, we shouldn’t have bought them’ and nipped them home. I REALLY wanted to say something.

And I constantly feel like he is poking me for reactions. Bringing up everything small, winding me up.

I don’t know. Am I being overly sensitive?

We’ve had some serious issues, but I thought they were ironed out.

I know it’s late. But I can’t sleep.

OP posts:
bullyingadvice2017 · 15/06/2021 07:37

You can't change a person. You can change what your tolerance of shit behaviour is. I would push back big time. See how he reacts. I suspect you then will see that he is not going to change.
Then you get to decide weather you wish to spend the rest of your life with him, as the person he is, not the person you want him to be. Sorry but they are two very different things...

Does he pick holes in your rd like this? If not yet he will when she's bigger and squash her character.

Peace43 · 15/06/2021 07:40

You can’t make him change. He’s a controlling bully. The best you can do is remove yourself from the situation so he can’t bully you

EnjoyingTheSilence · 15/06/2021 07:42

@TierTired87 I understand you want him to change but what if he doesn’t?

The fact that after seeing how he behaved a stranger asked if you were ok speaks volumes.

Please look after yourself and think about how you want to live the rest of your life.

Merryoldgoat · 15/06/2021 07:44

I read your last thread.

OP - he’s controlling and abusive. If you don’t want to leave no one can help you.

There is no advice as he won’t change because he likes abusing you.

Michaelangelo467 · 15/06/2021 07:49

You are obviously happy staying with him and he’s happy with the status quo too. You intend to stay so stop complaining.

BirthdayCakeBelly · 15/06/2021 07:51

I don’t want to leave. I just want him to be a better and more aware person
He is who he is. You can want him to change but ultimately that’s his decision.
You have a child. Is this how you want her to grow up? In this miserable environment where everyone walks on eggshells around him?

It’s bad enough for you and your an intelligent adult. How do you think it is going to make her feel?

sixthtimelucky · 15/06/2021 07:52

Michaelangelo - seriously, just fuck off (happy to be deleted but hope you see this). This woman is in turmoil, asking for help, can't sleep - and is being abused. People like you shut people like OP down when they need time to process. Just because people on here want her to say they will leave immediately, that rarely happens in reality.

sixthtimelucky · 15/06/2021 07:54

OP

Listen to the replies on here because it's the truth. Please surround yourself with people who love you and confide in at least one person close to you. Therapy would be a good move. This is not your fault, you are not 'making him do this', you're not being over sensitive. Hopefully you will be able to start processing that this is not the life for you, you deserve so much more and so does your daughter. You CAN leave and you CAN be happy. I know it feels unsurmountable right now and maybe it is right now, but you CAN get there and this all be in the past.

He. Won't. Change.

wewereliars · 15/06/2021 07:55

Michaelangelo get a life

chocorabbit · 15/06/2021 08:00

If these ar the LITTLE things I can't imagine life with him with bigger issues. Sorry OP Sad

Fe2O3Girl · 15/06/2021 08:02

I’ve read the posts from December.

He’s not going to change.

Imagine your daughter in a relationship like yours. Is that what you would want for her? At the moment you are showing her that it’s ok for a man to be controlling and abusive.

You deserve better.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 15/06/2021 08:04

Abusers don't magically change. He's still an abuser and he isn't going to change. Why do you want to stay with him?

partyatthepalace · 15/06/2021 08:07

He sounds like arsehole, so whatever you did last time needs doing again.

What was the original issue, and what did you do about it??

starfishmummy · 15/06/2021 08:09

You know what? If you want to stay and put up with this then thats fine, but its your decision and you have to accept the consequences.

But do you want your DD to grow up in this toxic environment, to grow up thinking this is normal??

Whatafustercluck · 15/06/2021 08:14

I haven't read your other thread op, but I've seen the response from another poster and can vaguely remember the financial control and him hiding your keys. You know that's not normal behaviour. It's really sad that your 'solution' was to walk on eggshells to avoid provoking him. I'm really sorry that you don't sound ready to leave him and think he might change. That's understandable, you love him and the thought of leaving him must seem very daunting.

Do you have dc with him? If you do, imagine what this is teaching them about what to expect from a relationship. If you don't, please don't - situations like this often escalate when a child comes into the relationship.

You deserve more from life. He won't change. It's not up to you to change your behaviour to avoid confrontation. There will always be something he can pick at you for, because he will invent things instead.

If you do nothing else for now and decide to put up with it, please please make a plan to help you escape if it escalates. Put some money aside if you can, slowly over time if necessary. If you don't have a job, get a job. Work on the practicalities that will enable you to leave if and when you are either ready, or forced into making a decision.

I'm sorry op, I know how hard it must be to confront what everyone here is saying. You are worth more though, please remember that.

Whatafustercluck · 15/06/2021 08:19

Sorry, just seen that you have a daughter. Please think about what this is teaching her. How would you feel if someone treated her like this? Break the cycle. She should expect more from her chosen partner when she's older.

SmellThis · 15/06/2021 08:23

@DaisyFeather, thank you for sharing. I'm glad you found your strength and are in a better place

burritofan · 15/06/2021 08:24

You say it's happening again. How did you make it stop the last time ?
Please don’t imply or suggest that OP has the power to make it stop. She doesn’t. Only he can make it stop. And he will only do so temporarily, just like last time. Give her just enough taste of “the man he used to be”, “the man she fell in love with”, “the man he could be”, etc, to make her stay. Then he’ll start again. And each time a little bit worse, probably.

How long are you prepared to live like this, OP? Another year? Five years? 10? The rest of your life?

MrsPerfect12 · 15/06/2021 08:27

He won't change, I'm sorry, this is deliberate behaviour, he's conditioning you to walk on eggshells around him and not pull him up when he does wrong. It will escalate I'm afraid, l've been there. Once with my dad behaving this way with my mum and stupidly I fell into the exact same relationship. Please don't bring children into this dynamic, he will do this to them too - let that hit home.

IslandLulu · 15/06/2021 08:28

What will he be like when you make actual mistakes about things?

Recently I accidentally ordered something online twice and had to keep the unwanted one. I also broke a cup and overcooked a meal to the point it was inedible.

My DH didn't blame me for any of these. That's how a loving relationship should work.

You sound really lovely. But you're living on eggshells. You deserve a better partner. Thanks

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 15/06/2021 08:31

If you want to know how bad he is, a stranger felt it necessary to ask if you were ok after your husband humiliated and berated you. That's how bad it is. Don't allow your child to grow up in this environment. He will soon be doing this to her.

This, 100%. Do it for DD if not for yourself. Don’t make her grow up in hell.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 15/06/2021 08:41

I don’t want to leave. I just want him to be a better and more aware person.

OP, I have lived or worked with bullies in the past. Each time it happened, the situation eroded my self-confidence, so I found it difficult to escape. But once I had broken free, I felt as if I could breathe again.

Bullies don’t change, but the can find more subtle ways to undermine you. Please rescue DD and yourself.

BreatheAndFocus · 15/06/2021 08:42

He absolutely is training you - like a dog that will cower when he approaches. That’s what these abusive men do. You have to ‘know your place’, you have to ‘learn the rules’ - except the rules will keep changing. That’s purposely to keep you off-kilter and walking on eggshells. It’s a horrible way to live and it changes you until you hardly recognise yourself.

He won’t change because he doesn’t think he has to and doesn’t want to. This is who he is. I know it’s hard to get your head round, but it’s true. He’s not a nice person who occasionally becomes horrible - he’s a horrible person who sometimes pretends to be nice.

You and your DD would be so much happier away from him. I know that’s maybe hard to think about now, but take time to go through things in your head, speak to people you trust, read others’ stories online, seek help. You are worth so much more. XX

SofiaMichelle · 15/06/2021 08:53

@Ellpellwood

This is dead in the water, OP. He sounds like a prick that has decided you're only worthy of mental abuse and bullying. You won't change his view now.

He'll do it to your child too.

Very sadly, 'this'.

My friend was brought up in exactly this environment.

She is extremely bright, academically successful and eloquent, but the years of nitpicking and put downs completely knocked her confidence to the point that it's held her back in her career as she constantly fears taking half a step too far and the thought of someone criticising her. Sad

Don't let your daughter go through this. It might well affect the rest of her life, OP.

DancesWithTortoises · 15/06/2021 09:00

This will be the rest of your life. Escape while you can.