It’s happening again....

[TierTired87]

I posted a while back about some issues I was having with my husband at the end of 2020.

Things have been good since. We spoke and he understood and everything had been fine.

Recently, LITTLE things are starting to creep back in in the last week.

So, this week my bag split at the till of the supermarket. They replaced everything that broke and apologised - yet he still says it’s my fault for overloading the bag. And keeps bringing it up.

I was painting some old furniture in the garden and spilt some on the decking and he came out in front of all the builders next door and told me to clean it up really loudly. I did and he watched. One of the builders asked if I was OK after.

Before this incident, he burnt a hole in our carpet from putting hot ash in a plastic bag. I just made a joke - but I was livid. I realised how it would be if it was the other way around.

At the weekend, we were going to the beach (we live by the coast). It was hot and our lovely older neighbours said they’d look after DD for the afternoon. I explicitly said not to take the dogs as it was hot and he agreed. Then he got annoyed I had apparently picked the wrong beach towel (not his favourite one) and then next thing he had the dogs leads on and they were coming. He kept asking me why I was quiet at the beach and then said ‘the dogs are hot, we shouldn’t have bought them’ and nipped them home. I REALLY wanted to say something.

And I constantly feel like he is poking me for reactions. Bringing up everything small, winding me up.

I don’t know. Am I being overly sensitive?

We’ve had some serious issues, but I thought they were ironed out.

I know it’s late. But I can’t sleep.

[NettleTea]

@thinkingaboutLangCleg

If you want to know how bad he is, a stranger felt it necessary to ask if you were ok after your husband humiliated and berated you. That's how bad it is. Don't allow your child to grow up in this environment. He will soon be doing this to her.

This, 100%. Do it for DD if not for yourself. Don’t make her grow up in hell.

Agree with this. It takes quite a lot for a man to intervene in another man's relationship, especially a stranger, and especially if that man appears agressive. Things must be pretty bad if the builder did this.

And agree with the others. He wont change, and as you see, he can 'try' for a while, but it wont last because the 'trying' part is hard work, it doesnt come naturally, plus now he is probably mad because he tried and you are STILL doing things he views as legitimate reasons for bullying you (they're not btw)

Your DD is young. She is a sponge absorbing all this stuff - the first 4 years of life set a blueprint that, without alternate support and guidance, will frame alot of her later life. She will be taking from this to frame her future relationships, and her own self worth as a female. If you cant leave for yourself, please leave for her and break the cycle

[godmum56]

I know its a cliche but the ONLY person that anyone can change is themselves and THEY have to want to. As everyone else has said, for your DD's sake, if not for yours, leave now.

[Gothichouse40]

My husband would talk to me like a bloody servant once- there wouldn't be a second time. Im sorry, you need to find your voice and HE is going to get worse, especially as he gets older. The fact an outsider (the builder) noticed your husbands behaviour says it all to me.

[pinkyredrose]

He was a cunt then and he's a cunt now. He just hid it for a bit

Please stop wasting your life wishing he was a different person. Accept the fact that he isn't a nice person and that he's treating you badly.

[Blossomandbee]

What would happen if you answer him back? Told him to stop talking to you like a child etc.
Would he blow up, or would he listen? If you're scared to speak back, then that tells you everything.

[Dullardmullard]

You say you don’t want leave why?

You can’t change him as he is back to his old tricks

Assert yourself and say no this isn’t happening do not appease him. Take on board what the builder did and said. Let that play on your mind that this isn’t normal and never end normal.

If you have a daughter what would you say to her if this was happening to her.

Your kids won’t thank you for staying and no you’ve not shielded them they know and will change their behaviours too sadly.

Look into the Lundy book, look into the freedom programme.

[Thelnebriati]

Things didnt really get better because he didn't change; he thought you would leave him and hid it for a while. You hade a honeymoon period.
Now he's escalating again.

greenhaven4help.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/Cycle_of_Abuse_0-1024x768.jpg

[CookieClub]

The fact next doors builder asked if you were OKay, obviously shows that the way your Hubby was behaving/speaking towards you were cause for concern. The builder sounds like a nice guy! Your husband sounds like a nasty piece of shit.

Do yourself and any kids a favour and get out. Realise your worth. Look into co-dependence and do all the self-work you can to make yourself stronger. Do not rely on him for your happiness, it will continue to keep you down because men like that don't want a strong and confident partner.

[ihtwsf]

I don’t want to leave. I just want him to be a better and more aware person
I am so sorry but that is never going to happen.
I had this with an ex too and also constantly hoped he would become better and more aware.
It was me who actually needed to become aware... I needed to become aware that he knew perfectly well what he was doing and that it was a pattern of behaviour he had no intention of changing.
He is perfectly well aware of what he is doing.

I hope you get that awareness soon too. What you see is what you get and this is how it is going to be. He is not going to get better.

[LillianGish]

One of the builders asked if I was OK after - that should be enough to convince you that you are not being overly sensitive.

[exybusiness]

It's hard to accept but he is not going to change and be the person you want him to be. He is mean and cruel and you deserve so much better and so do your children.

You can't change him but you can decide what your response to him will be and if this is how you want your life to be for the next 40 years.

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

Recently, LITTLE things are starting to creep back in in the last week.

That's how it always starts. Or, more accurately, it's an indication of someone reverting to type.

[mynameisbrian]

I said YABU simply due to saying zilch to the nasty bully. He burns a hole in he carpet and you laugh (but your angry and say nothing) he humiliates you infront of others, he constantly nitpicks at you and you still say nothing. If you want him to change then you need to raise your voice and tell him to stop this

[Jumpingintosummer]

He needs to leave. You need to make the break, before he breaks you.

[Shoxfordian]

He’s not going to change
Only you can change your life

[fruitbrewhaha]

There is life after leaving a twat of a husband OP. There are many many stories on here of women who have left abusive relationship and gone on to have lovely lives afterwards. Do it for you and your daughter.

[MintyMabel]

The builder thought it wasn’t ok- so you definitely shouldn’t.

Agreed. It sounds like leaving is your only choice.

Why didn't you take DD to the beach too?

[randomkey123]

You need to accept that he's never going to be the man you want him to be. He's the man that he is - a cruel vindictive nasty man that makes himself feel better by bullying you.

If you do leave, he'll bluster, threaten to leave you penniless and have sole custody of your DD. So you get proof of how he behaves, and slowly but surely put a plan together to leave.

This is abuse. And I think deep down, you know it is.

[AdoraBell]

My mother took 40 years to leave my abusive father.

Think about that OP forty years of treading on eggshells and being “over sensitive”. And six children too 🤦‍♀️

Your H is showing you who he is, he won’t become a better person because in his head he’s already best person who will grace the human race, so you are lucky that he deigns to be your husband. That means he doesn’t need to change, in his opinion.

[Thewiseoneincognito]

He won’t change so you either accept a life of misery which you’ll come to regret eventually or you work for your freedom, leave him, and in time will thank your lucky stars you left him to go on to meet a man who treats you with respect.

[WhatMattersMost]

Oh dear, OP. You know the answer - it's just that you don't want to know it.

[Notaroadrunner]

@Aquamarine1029

I don’t want to leave. I just want him to be a better and more aware person

This simply isn't going to happen, op. What you see is what you get. You just have to decide how many more days or years you're willing to waste until you accept it.

If you want to know how bad he is, a stranger felt it necessary to ask if you were ok after your husband humiliated and berated you. That's how bad it is. Don't allow your child to grow up in this environment. He will soon be doing this to her.

I agree with this. He won't change. Only you can decide if this is what you want to put up with for the rest of your life - him belittling you at every opportunity. He already has you questioning whether it's your fault - it's not and he know this but likes to have control and manipulate you. He sounds like an absolute prick. You'd be better off on your own than having to live your life with him.

[cuparfull]

He doesn't care for you!
If you don't care for each other, your relationship is doomed.
Make plans to leave before he totally undermines you.

[frazzledasarock]

He’s not going to change just because you wish it.

This is who he is. This is how he behaves all the time with you.

It comes down to your choice. What do you want to do. He is happy being who he is and doing what he does. You have absolutely no power or say over how he behaves.

You do have control over what you choose to do.

So that’s your option. Over what you do. Not over how he behaves.

[DumpyDonkey]

You can't change him.

Decide what you want. If you are happy to live with an abusive man then crack on.

If not leave.

When it comes to it the are the options.