It’s happening again....

[TierTired87]

I posted a while back about some issues I was having with my husband at the end of 2020.

Things have been good since. We spoke and he understood and everything had been fine.

Recently, LITTLE things are starting to creep back in in the last week.

So, this week my bag split at the till of the supermarket. They replaced everything that broke and apologised - yet he still says it’s my fault for overloading the bag. And keeps bringing it up.

I was painting some old furniture in the garden and spilt some on the decking and he came out in front of all the builders next door and told me to clean it up really loudly. I did and he watched. One of the builders asked if I was OK after.

Before this incident, he burnt a hole in our carpet from putting hot ash in a plastic bag. I just made a joke - but I was livid. I realised how it would be if it was the other way around.

At the weekend, we were going to the beach (we live by the coast). It was hot and our lovely older neighbours said they’d look after DD for the afternoon. I explicitly said not to take the dogs as it was hot and he agreed. Then he got annoyed I had apparently picked the wrong beach towel (not his favourite one) and then next thing he had the dogs leads on and they were coming. He kept asking me why I was quiet at the beach and then said ‘the dogs are hot, we shouldn’t have bought them’ and nipped them home. I REALLY wanted to say something.

And I constantly feel like he is poking me for reactions. Bringing up everything small, winding me up.

I don’t know. Am I being overly sensitive?

We’ve had some serious issues, but I thought they were ironed out.

I know it’s late. But I can’t sleep.

[ImprobablePuffin]

Ok I am actually caught up now on both threads.
OP - you're asking the same questions but not listening to the answers.

You need to ACCEPT THAT YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HIM. EVER.

You need to REALISE HE IS AN ABUSER

If you can't leave for your own sake, leave for your child. Surely your child is more important to you than him?

[ImprobablePuffin]

HRTFT yet BUT why are you with him? Why don't you believe you deserve better?

[Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep]

[quote Thelnebriati]''The primary reason we don’t recommend couples counseling is that abuse is not a “relationship problem.” Couples counseling may imply that both partners contribute to the abusive behavior, when the choice to be abusive lies solely with the abusive partner.''

www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/[/quote]
In addition, abusers often use what is said by the victim in the 'safety' of the counselling session as fuel to enact further abuse or to more accurately target the abuse. It's unsafe and it makes abuse worse, not better

[knittingaddict]

[quote Thelnebriati]''The primary reason we don’t recommend couples counseling is that abuse is not a “relationship problem.” Couples counseling may imply that both partners contribute to the abusive behavior, when the choice to be abusive lies solely with the abusive partner.''

www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/[/quote]
Exactly. The abused woman doesn't need to change herself to stay. She needs to change herself to leave. The abused woman is a victim and the only thing she contributes to the treatment she receives is being there. All the abusive man needs is a victim.

[Thelnebriati]

''The primary reason we don’t recommend couples counseling is that abuse is not a “relationship problem.” Couples counseling may imply that both partners contribute to the abusive behavior, when the choice to be abusive lies solely with the abusive partner.''

www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/

[JSL52]

@Guavafish

Try couples counselling

You have to communicate with your husband and if your too frightened to express yourself how will it work?

You can't do couples counselling with your abuser.

[Guavafish]

Try couples counselling

You have to communicate with your husband and if your too frightened to express yourself how will it work?

[Oscaree]

@Whysolong7 She's saying she doesn't want to leave him, so what do you suggest? That she stay in an abusive relationship with no coping strategies and no one to show her that she could get/do better?

I suggested she get counselling ALONE first - and most ppl go to counselling because of someone else. My thoughts were that she go get help and she may very likely change her mind about wanting to stay and not even get to couples counselling.

Every time I read of a woman on here have problems with their partner the only response is to dump him. No one seems to consider the poster might have children, might not be able to leave, not want to leave, might even like the guy some of the time.

[Louise1051]

It does sound like he has anger and control issues.

When you confide in him how he makes you feel does he acknowledge his mistake? If so, maybe he would be open to counselling. If not, then you have to consider your future and what influence his behaviour is going to have on your kids xx

[Whysolong7]

@Oscaree

Go for some counselling. Get some help with assertiveness. The counsellor will point out how he is wrong and give you coping mechanisms. Once you feel more confident you will be able to stand up to him. I would then suggest couples counselling so you can see if you can progress as a couple and he can sort his behaviour out.

It’s so sad to see you recommend this.

It’s not for OP to work this out with him, this isn’t a couples issue - it’s one person being manipulative and endlessly grinding down another.

Other partners build you up, empower you, support you help you grow, that is not close to what’s happening here.

[Whysolong7]

@PracticingPerson

I don’t want to leave. I just want him to be a better and more aware person. This isn't going to happen. Think you either need to accept how he is or leave.

This. I hate to say it but he’s not going to be a better person.

I don’t even think he will stay the same, it will increase. I think you don’t want the hassle of leaving which I understand, but I also think you know you need to end it.

[MrsBobDylan]

And I think you should leave.

[MrsBobDylan]

People.Don't.Change.

Either accept the way he treats you or leave.

[Hankunamatata]

What happens when you challenge him?

[IDontLikeZombies]

OP, I've just left a man like that. My OH wasn't quite as awful as yours in that he didn't set up situations but my God did he make the most of the opportunities when they appeared.
After a decade of 'lighthearted banter', 'fond teasing', 'family in jokes', etc I was absolutely wrecked, I no confidence in myself and didn't want to leave because I didn't think I would cope on my own.
Anyway, he totally overstepped the mark a few months ago and I left and do you know what? Its bloody brilliant 😁

[QueeniesCroft]

It is rarely as simple as the woman just needing to stand up to her abusive husband, is it? What if she does that and his reaction is to punch her in the face?

[tenlittlecygnets]

You can't make him be a better person. He has to want to change. And believe me, he's aware of how he's acting 🙄

Does he act like that to anyone else?

I'd be telling him to fuck right off out of my life.

[16purplecolour16]

I’ve never said this before on MN but ‘LTB’.

He has a major problem as if an alcoholic. You’re caught in a boom bust cycle.

[knittingaddict]

[quote Oscaree]@QueeniesCroft I completely disagree. I've suggested she go for counselling alone first to get some confidence to stand up to him. If she then still wants to stay with him, her only option would be couples counselling in the hope that he does change. Lots of therapists advocate couples counselling in abusive relationships.[/quote]
The vast majority don't. It just gives the abuser more tricks and weapons to continue the abuse. It is vanishingly rare that couples counselling would make a man change his behaviour.

[Oscaree]

@QueeniesCroft I completely disagree. I've suggested she go for counselling alone first to get some confidence to stand up to him. If she then still wants to stay with him, her only option would be couples counselling in the hope that he does change. Lots of therapists advocate couples counselling in abusive relationships.

[Cocobean30]

If you can’t leave for yourself, leave for your child. He will be just as horrible to your daughter

[QueeniesCroft]

@Oscaree

Go for some counselling. Get some help with assertiveness. The counsellor will point out how he is wrong and give you coping mechanisms. Once you feel more confident you will be able to stand up to him. I would then suggest couples counselling so you can see if you can progress as a couple and he can sort his behaviour out.

Couples counselling where one partner is/has been abusive is not a good idea. It would just give him another tool to use against her.

[WettyHainthrop]

You’ve said a couple of times you wanted to say something but didn’t. What would have happened if you had said something to him @TierTired87?

[MrsFlinch]

I haven’t read any of your previous threads but the fact that you state it’s happening again suggests it’s been going on a while. My guess is he’s on his best behaviour for a while then reverts back to being an abusive twat.

The thing is he won’t change no matter how much you want it. It’s who he is.
Now for the builder to ask if you were ok, he obviously picked up on the fact that this is abusive.

You have two choices either accept that this is not normal, he won’t change and make plans to leave to live your best life.
or decide to stay, but accept that this is how it is, things will never change (and in fact May and probably will get worse) put up with his abusive arse knowing that you’ll never be happy.

There’s only one thing that can change……You!

[Rainbunny]

Right now I think his behaviour towards you demonstrates his contempt of you. For your DD's sake you can't let him continue to treat you this way. I know it's never as simple as LTB in real life but life is long, do you really want to spend it unhappily with someone who doesn't respect or perhaps even like you? Which is the message he's sending you everytime he berates you.

Have you tried counselling before? Even marriage counselling by yourself could be useful.