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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s happening again....

133 replies

TierTired87 · 15/06/2021 01:19

I posted a while back about some issues I was having with my husband at the end of 2020.

Things have been good since. We spoke and he understood and everything had been fine.

Recently, LITTLE things are starting to creep back in in the last week.

So, this week my bag split at the till of the supermarket. They replaced everything that broke and apologised - yet he still says it’s my fault for overloading the bag. And keeps bringing it up.

I was painting some old furniture in the garden and spilt some on the decking and he came out in front of all the builders next door and told me to clean it up really loudly. I did and he watched. One of the builders asked if I was OK after.

Before this incident, he burnt a hole in our carpet from putting hot ash in a plastic bag. I just made a joke - but I was livid. I realised how it would be if it was the other way around.

At the weekend, we were going to the beach (we live by the coast). It was hot and our lovely older neighbours said they’d look after DD for the afternoon. I explicitly said not to take the dogs as it was hot and he agreed. Then he got annoyed I had apparently picked the wrong beach towel (not his favourite one) and then next thing he had the dogs leads on and they were coming. He kept asking me why I was quiet at the beach and then said ‘the dogs are hot, we shouldn’t have bought them’ and nipped them home. I REALLY wanted to say something.

And I constantly feel like he is poking me for reactions. Bringing up everything small, winding me up.

I don’t know. Am I being overly sensitive?

We’ve had some serious issues, but I thought they were ironed out.

I know it’s late. But I can’t sleep.

OP posts:
RockPainting · 15/06/2021 10:55

I have been through similar.

My DH has a couple of health / non-NT conditions that cause a lot of the behaviour if not well managed.

If I didn't think there was a serious underlying issue I would not be here now.

Eventually we worked on the issues together. It's much better.

If this is just the way he is, there's nothing you can do to change him.

QueeniesCroft · 15/06/2021 10:59

I think it's massively concerning that he is now comfortable with behaving like this in front of other people. He isn't even trying to hide his contempt for you, or his abuse of you.

I'm honestly not drama-queening or one of the usual baying LTB pack, but I don't think that you are safe. Please phone Women's Aid.

Tooshytoshine · 15/06/2021 11:09

You know the answer here. He won't change and you will either spend your life walking on eggshells, endlessly agreeing how rubbish you are and that he is beyond criticism. Explosive rage, vindictive punishment, constant criticism - my mum lived like this and it stopped her forming friendships, trying new things and having self confidence. He was like that with my sister and I too as he believes that is how women should be treated - it knocked both of our confidence and I moved out at seventeen and as far away as possible, only visiting at holidays. He never ever hit us or to my knowledge my mum, but it still all had an impact.My mum always thought he would change and tbf he did after he had a massive stroke - he is a much nicer person now - kind, generous, warm, loving and fun. But that was after thirty five years of being a childish, controlling and critical prick, who held the household to his ever changing standards of micromanagement and tantrums.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/06/2021 11:12

He’s not going to change. For a builder to have asked if you are ok it must have been awful. It’s not a healthy relationship.

Triffid1 · 15/06/2021 11:15

But he's not going to be a better person. Why would he be? He gets to do whatever he wants and you're too scared to criticise him. And he gets to make you feel small whenever he wants. There's no incentive for him to change.

StormTreader · 15/06/2021 11:23

Sadly this is a "magic words" post - ie "I want this person to change into a different person, what are the magic words I can say to get them to understand why abusing me is bad?"

Oscaree · 15/06/2021 11:46

Go for some counselling. Get some help with assertiveness. The counsellor will point out how he is wrong and give you coping mechanisms. Once you feel more confident you will be able to stand up to him. I would then suggest couples counselling so you can see if you can progress as a couple and he can sort his behaviour out.

unsync · 15/06/2021 11:56

He's a cunt. He won't change. Don't do what I did and waste 25 years being his emotional punchbag. Leave.

Rainbunny · 15/06/2021 11:59

Right now I think his behaviour towards you demonstrates his contempt of you. For your DD's sake you can't let him continue to treat you this way. I know it's never as simple as LTB in real life but life is long, do you really want to spend it unhappily with someone who doesn't respect or perhaps even like you? Which is the message he's sending you everytime he berates you.

Have you tried counselling before? Even marriage counselling by yourself could be useful.

MrsFlinch · 15/06/2021 12:01

I haven’t read any of your previous threads but the fact that you state it’s happening again suggests it’s been going on a while. My guess is he’s on his best behaviour for a while then reverts back to being an abusive twat.

The thing is he won’t change no matter how much you want it. It’s who he is.
Now for the builder to ask if you were ok, he obviously picked up on the fact that this is abusive.

You have two choices either accept that this is not normal, he won’t change and make plans to leave to live your best life.
or decide to stay, but accept that this is how it is, things will never change (and in fact May and probably will get worse) put up with his abusive arse knowing that you’ll never be happy.

There’s only one thing that can change……You!

WettyHainthrop · 15/06/2021 12:05

You’ve said a couple of times you wanted to say something but didn’t. What would have happened if you had said something to him @TierTired87?

QueeniesCroft · 15/06/2021 12:10

@Oscaree

Go for some counselling. Get some help with assertiveness. The counsellor will point out how he is wrong and give you coping mechanisms. Once you feel more confident you will be able to stand up to him. I would then suggest couples counselling so you can see if you can progress as a couple and he can sort his behaviour out.
Couples counselling where one partner is/has been abusive is not a good idea. It would just give him another tool to use against her.
Cocobean30 · 15/06/2021 12:16

If you can’t leave for yourself, leave for your child. He will be just as horrible to your daughter

Oscaree · 15/06/2021 12:55

@QueeniesCroft I completely disagree. I've suggested she go for counselling alone first to get some confidence to stand up to him. If she then still wants to stay with him, her only option would be couples counselling in the hope that he does change. Lots of therapists advocate couples counselling in abusive relationships.

knittingaddict · 15/06/2021 13:05

[quote Oscaree]@QueeniesCroft I completely disagree. I've suggested she go for counselling alone first to get some confidence to stand up to him. If she then still wants to stay with him, her only option would be couples counselling in the hope that he does change. Lots of therapists advocate couples counselling in abusive relationships.[/quote]
The vast majority don't. It just gives the abuser more tricks and weapons to continue the abuse. It is vanishingly rare that couples counselling would make a man change his behaviour.

16purplecolour16 · 15/06/2021 13:10

I’ve never said this before on MN but ‘LTB’.

He has a major problem as if an alcoholic. You’re caught in a boom bust cycle.

tenlittlecygnets · 15/06/2021 13:22

You can't make him be a better person. He has to want to change. And believe me, he's aware of how he's acting 🙄

Does he act like that to anyone else?

I'd be telling him to fuck right off out of my life.

QueeniesCroft · 15/06/2021 13:34

It is rarely as simple as the woman just needing to stand up to her abusive husband, is it? What if she does that and his reaction is to punch her in the face?

IDontLikeZombies · 15/06/2021 13:37

OP, I've just left a man like that. My OH wasn't quite as awful as yours in that he didn't set up situations but my God did he make the most of the opportunities when they appeared.
After a decade of 'lighthearted banter', 'fond teasing', 'family in jokes', etc I was absolutely wrecked, I no confidence in myself and didn't want to leave because I didn't think I would cope on my own.
Anyway, he totally overstepped the mark a few months ago and I left and do you know what? Its bloody brilliant 😁

Hankunamatata · 15/06/2021 13:37

What happens when you challenge him?

MrsBobDylan · 15/06/2021 20:03

People.Don't.Change.

Either accept the way he treats you or leave.

MrsBobDylan · 15/06/2021 20:05

And I think you should leave.

Whysolong7 · 15/06/2021 20:10

@PracticingPerson

I don’t want to leave. I just want him to be a better and more aware person. This isn't going to happen. Think you either need to accept how he is or leave. Flowers
This. I hate to say it but he’s not going to be a better person.

I don’t even think he will stay the same, it will increase. I think you don’t want the hassle of leaving which I understand, but I also think you know you need to end it.

Whysolong7 · 15/06/2021 20:17

@Oscaree

Go for some counselling. Get some help with assertiveness. The counsellor will point out how he is wrong and give you coping mechanisms. Once you feel more confident you will be able to stand up to him. I would then suggest couples counselling so you can see if you can progress as a couple and he can sort his behaviour out.
It’s so sad to see you recommend this.

It’s not for OP to work this out with him, this isn’t a couples issue - it’s one person being manipulative and endlessly grinding down another.

Other partners build you up, empower you, support you help you grow, that is not close to what’s happening here.

Louise1051 · 15/06/2021 20:26

It does sound like he has anger and control issues.

When you confide in him how he makes you feel does he acknowledge his mistake? If so, maybe he would be open to counselling. If not, then you have to consider your future and what influence his behaviour is going to have on your kids xx

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