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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think it's protocol to allow a plus one to a wedding?

196 replies

Beepbopbot · 14/06/2021 22:54

A friend has recently invited me to her wedding which will take place later this year. When I received the invite, I noticed that there was no option to bring a plus one.

I just saw her recently and while chatting I casually asked if it was possible to bring a friend/date with me to the wedding. She said no because the meals are expensive but that maybe I could bring someone after the meal for drinks.

She explained that I would not be alone (as I don't know anyone from her or the groom's family) as she had invited a couple other girls that we know mutually. These girls, however, are coming with their partners.

This is the thing that irritates me. I would understand if she was only inviting us girls and no one could bring their partner or a date but the way I see it is that because the other girls have long term partners, they are automatically included. But because I am currently single after separating from my partner, I have to come alone.

Am I being unreasonable to think that this is a cheap thing to do, and even borderline on not being a good friend? If I was still with my partner I can assume that we would both be invited, but it seems that saving on a dinner plate (which would inevitably be reimbursed back from myself in the form of a gift card/gift) is more important then making sure that I (or any other guest if they were in my position) is comfortable and doesn't have to feel those awkward moments that single ppl often do when surrounded by couples.

I'm interested to hearing if this is something that's normal or not... Thanks gals!

OP posts:
bunnybutts · 15/06/2021 08:44

YABU, even in normal times people have to make tough decisions about guests lists for weddings due to restrictions on budgets and venue limits. Why on earth would you expect them to allow you to bring a random stranger when that would mean they wouldn't be able to invite a friend/family member.

bigbaggyeyes · 15/06/2021 08:47

I don't think you are BU. Just because you're single doesn't mean you'd want to go to a wedding alone. I'd always give people the option but would like to know numbers well in advance, the money comment was a bit crass too.

HavelockVetinari · 15/06/2021 08:56

@Bourbonic

Honestly I think its quite rude not to invite a plus one. Some couples completely ignore the fact that they're hosting people, and should be mindful of their guests enjoyment. It must be bloody miserable to be sat alone surrounded by people you don't know, mostly coupled up.

And I know some people will insist that they've been on their own and it was great, but everybody has different personalities and some people are very introverted and would find it too much.

Yes, and so it's an invitation, not a summons! If you can't cope without bringing a sidekick then politely decline.
MaMaD1990 · 15/06/2021 08:59

@bigbaggyeyes

I don't think you are BU. Just because you're single doesn't mean you'd want to go to a wedding alone. I'd always give people the option but would like to know numbers well in advance, the money comment was a bit crass too.
The OP is an adult so if she doesn't 'want' to go alone, then has has the option not to go at all. The money comment was also perfectly reasonable and valid - it's an honest answer as to why she doesn't want a randomer at her wedding.
Alondra · 15/06/2021 09:10

Maybe because I come from Spain, I've never understood inviting a friend without the plus one.

Standard invite in Spain is whatever name and partner. Family usually have specific invitations "first name, surname and family*. Any wedding without a plus one will be considered rude, inconsiderate and cheap. Few single friends would attend if they can't bring their boyfriends/FWB/or just friend. We are pretty egalitarian :)

You are not being unreasonable in my book. Perfectly

Alondra · 15/06/2021 09:13

Perfectly understandable you think she's being cheap and not really a good friend.

Glitterblue · 15/06/2021 11:35

I can see if from your friend's side - weddings are expensive and if there were a few others in the same position as you then she might have to do the same for all of them and it could end up a lot more expensive than she can afford or might push numbers too high. Having said that, I would not want anyone to feel awkward or uncomfortable at my wedding and I can 100% see it from your point of view. It's a tricky one.

Echobelly · 15/06/2021 11:39

YABU, it's not tight or friend being unfair on you, so I'd let it go.

People should have a long term-ish partner invited with them but otherwise +1 is not the done thing IMO.

Myxisaprat · 15/06/2021 11:40

You don’t have a plus one to take.

Esmereldapawpatrol · 15/06/2021 11:49

YABU. I think this is quite common if you are single.

My SIL didn't invite some of her friends husbands and long term partners to her wedding as she didn't know them, I do think that's a bit off...asking people to come and celebrate your union but not recognising other peoples?

Bibidy · 15/06/2021 12:05

I understand why you feel this way OP, but I do think the standard thing nowadays is to invite partners, not just any plus one.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 15/06/2021 12:25

Wow are you joking?! Why would she want your random mate at her sit down meal. YABVU.

readingismycardio · 15/06/2021 12:31

Hmmmm not really. We got married during the pandemics (not the uk!) and the legal limit was 100 (outdoor wedding). We have a lot of close friends & family and wanted to have a wedding with people we know & love. I wouldn't ve been happy to have someone we don't know at the wedding.

angieloumc · 15/06/2021 12:38

A few years ago I went to a friends wedding alone as I was single, and there was no plus one on my invitation. I knew some others there who were with partners and I did feel a bit awkward at first, however after the first few minutes I forgot about it and saw my lovely friend get married. I didn't stay for very long after the meal and first dance though.
In these times as well with limited numbers I think you are being a little U but understandably so. Just go, you may well really enjoy yourself.

VeganCheesePlease · 15/06/2021 12:42

In the kindest way possible, I think Yabu. If you had a partner they would probably be invited, but I don't think it's fair to expect a plus one if you're single. If she's said you can bring someone to the evening side of things I think that's fair enough. Weddings really are expensive and if you gave every single guest a plus one, you're looking at adding on way more cost.

Flowerlane · 15/06/2021 12:47

Some of the replies on here are very harsh which I am guessing is why the op hasnt returned.

I grew up where wedding invites were always a plus one to the single people so was shocked as a adult when I received wedding invites just for me. It’s the same as I think weddings are family occasions and children should be included where as others think the opposite and think children should be left home.
I don’t think there is any right answer everyone is entitled to their opinion.

As I have already said I went to one wedding in our group of friends with out being offered a plus one and had a horrible time, the 2nd wedding i wasn’t offered a plus one so I declined the invite. It was the couples choice not to let me have a plus one and it was my choice whether I accepted or not.

If you feel uncomfortable then decline the invite op, spend the money you would have spent on a treat for you. Flowers

motogogo · 15/06/2021 12:55

Yabu, if you had a partner fair enough but bringing a date/friend is not fair, why should they pay for a meal for someone they do not know and may never see again.

Love51 · 15/06/2021 12:55

I can't understand why someone would want to attend a wedding as a plus one. It strikes me as something pretty dull

TheSoapyFrog · 15/06/2021 13:23

YABU. I've never had a +1 on the invitation for any wedding I've been to when I was single. I've been with my partner for 2 years now and he hasn't been invited as a +1 to my friend's wedding because she's only met him once. I wouldn't expect him to be invited either. I know how much my friends have struggled to pay for their wedding and it would be ridiculous for them to foot the bill for someone they barely know.
I've seen this a lot on mainly American sitcoms and films, so maybe it is the norm in some parts of the world.

rachelstriffle · 15/06/2021 13:31

It's still a thing for many people to invite MARRIED couples, or people engaged, but not unmarried partners, so you are more than BU about wanting to bring a friend or any random to someone's wedding. 😂

Rmka · 15/06/2021 13:36

I understand your point, but your friend said you can invite someone for the evening. And I think that's the part were being the only person without a date can feel the most awkward. So actually I think your friend offered a very good compromise.

When I had my wedding we invited everyone with plus one, but we were lucky as it was before Covid and the extra cost wasn't too much.

Unfortunately weddings are expensive so limiting guests to spouses and long term partners is a common practice.

firstimemamma · 15/06/2021 13:43

Yabu I always thought 'plus one' was for husbands / partners only. Also in Covid times numbers are tight and things uncertain so try to see it from the bride's POV.

FishintheStream · 15/06/2021 13:48

I think a lot of people in the UK are confused about wedding etiquette because of US TV shows and films, as in the US it is totally normal to have a plus one invitation, whilst I have never heard of this happening in real life for a traditional UK wedding.

GreyhoundG1rl · 15/06/2021 13:49

@firstimemamma

Yabu I always thought 'plus one' was for husbands / partners only. Also in Covid times numbers are tight and things uncertain so try to see it from the bride's POV.
No, they'd be named on the invitation.
Bibidy · 15/06/2021 13:49

@Flowerlane

Some of the replies on here are very harsh which I am guessing is why the op hasnt returned.

I grew up where wedding invites were always a plus one to the single people so was shocked as a adult when I received wedding invites just for me. It’s the same as I think weddings are family occasions and children should be included where as others think the opposite and think children should be left home.
I don’t think there is any right answer everyone is entitled to their opinion.

As I have already said I went to one wedding in our group of friends with out being offered a plus one and had a horrible time, the 2nd wedding i wasn’t offered a plus one so I declined the invite. It was the couples choice not to let me have a plus one and it was my choice whether I accepted or not.

If you feel uncomfortable then decline the invite op, spend the money you would have spent on a treat for you. Flowers

Yes I think it's common on TV as well, particularly American TV. I always thought plus one was a thing until I actually saw for myself it wasn't.
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