AIBU to think it's protocol to allow a plus one to a wedding?

[Beepbopbot]

A friend has recently invited me to her wedding which will take place later this year. When I received the invite, I noticed that there was no option to bring a plus one.

I just saw her recently and while chatting I casually asked if it was possible to bring a friend/date with me to the wedding. She said no because the meals are expensive but that maybe I could bring someone after the meal for drinks.

She explained that I would not be alone (as I don't know anyone from her or the groom's family) as she had invited a couple other girls that we know mutually. These girls, however, are coming with their partners.

This is the thing that irritates me. I would understand if she was only inviting us girls and no one could bring their partner or a date but the way I see it is that because the other girls have long term partners, they are automatically included. But because I am currently single after separating from my partner, I have to come alone.

Am I being unreasonable to think that this is a cheap thing to do, and even borderline on not being a good friend? If I was still with my partner I can assume that we would both be invited, but it seems that saving on a dinner plate (which would inevitably be reimbursed back from myself in the form of a gift card/gift) is more important then making sure that I (or any other guest if they were in my position) is comfortable and doesn't have to feel those awkward moments that single ppl often do when surrounded by couples.

I'm interested to hearing if this is something that's normal or not... Thanks gals!

Yabu. Someone I invited to my wedding casually dropped into conversation she was bringing a friend as a plus one when she hadn't been allocated one. I didn't challenge as she wouldn't actually have known anyone else. The plus one apparently hates social situations so after the meal went and read a book in the car for the remainder of the day. Very strange.

I am nearly 50 now, back in the day plus one was a thing. However over the last 20 years weddings have morphed into a huge and costly 'it is all about what the bride wants' joyless showcase. I think it is very rude not to think about your guests feeling comfortable, looked after and happy. I also do not understand why anyone would want to host this way. However some people would rather book a venue that looks nice in photos, charge guests £200 a room in an out of the way place where they have to pay over the odds for drinks and extras because it is 'their special day'. Just decline.

@willstarttomorrow

I am nearly 50 now, back in the day plus one was a thing. However over the last 20 years weddings have morphed into a huge and costly 'it is all about what the bride wants' joyless showcase. I think it is very rude not to think about your guests feeling comfortable, looked after and happy. I also do not understand why anyone would want to host this way. However some people would rather book a venue that looks nice in photos, charge guests £200 a room in an out of the way place where they have to pay over the odds for drinks and extras because it is 'their special day'. Just decline.

I'm older than you, and don't agree with your generalisation about weddings "nowadays".

I'm quite happy to attend without dragging my DH to a wedding with people he's never met. What's the point of that!

It's a social event, with your friends, surely you can enjoy yourself anyway.

Why should you get to bring a random stranger to their big day? You have friends going so you won't be alone. Normal protocol is to invite long term partners/married spouses. Unusual to give out plus ones so guests can bring their buddies along for the ride. It's a special day for the bride/groom, they won't want to fork out for every single friend to bring a random plus one with them!

YABVU. Nobody wants randomers at their wedding; this isn’t about you.

If you're not single you wouldn't understand it is really hard being single at a do when everyone else is in couples. Really hard. Even when you know lots of people it is still hard. X

I never got a +1 as an invite (and I'm over 50).
The only +1 we had at our wedding was for DH's cousin who dumped him, rightly, a few weeks later and now I can't guess at his name. We didn't give +1 to non live in partners but we were very careful with seating. We had a small wedding so numbers really mattered because of the venue not the cost.

'I am nearly 50 now, back in the day plus one was a thing. However over the last 20 years weddings have morphed into a huge and costly 'it is all about what the bride wants' joyless showcase'

But surely if you invite plus ones the wedding will just be even more huge?

Yabu

Weddings are supposed to be personal, it’s all about bride and groom and they expensive I wouldn’t want some random there. Just say your go to the evening part.

I found it was the plus-ones that caused more issues at my wedding than any other guests. What is also interesting to observe a couple of decades on is that my/our relationship with the askers is no more. They were mostly cf's and that behaviour showed in other ways.

I am astonished that an adult cannot manage a social occasion politely on their own for a few hours without needing a (fake) other half. How do you survive in the workplace without this support?

I think a plus one for a partner is normal, but otherwise it’s not a given. A person’s wedding could very quickly fill up with randoms unknown to the couple if every unpartnered person got a plus one.

I don’t understand inviting people with an open plus one invite. Why would anyone want a random person they don’t know at their wedding? A friend’s partner who you’ve never met, sure, but just a date?

I think it is normal for their to be no plus one if the person is single. I’d rather it be that way too, I remember feeling very stressed about having to find a plus one to come with me to the odd wedding. It was much better when I just had to turn up by myself, and I wasn’t alone, I was put on a table for dinner and there were lots of people I knew.

• I also think it was very rude to ask if you can bring a friend, the invite clearly answered that question.

I’d never invite a random plus one to a wedding, that’s weird.

YANBU to decline.

I went to loads of weddings in my 20s when I was single but that was when a lot of my friends were single too.

In later years when everyone was coupled up it was more awkward.

In this case you know two people who will be with their partners. If it was me I'd be counting down the minutes until I could leave. So now that I'm braver, I'd decline.

@Dogoodfeelgood

Yes you are being unreasonable, even pre covid I believe the general rule is that someone brings their partner if they’re living together - more likely that the couple has met the partner or will meet the partner in the future. It’s only in American movies that you get to take a random date to a wedding.

My first date with my ex was when I was 17 and it was as his plus one to a cousins wedding, It was very stressfull as we didnt sit together as it was so last minute, I was sitting with the 'gangster' side of his family, who told me all about their shennanigans with the Krays and Barbara Windsor, (I am 56 so this was many years ago). I literally knew no one except my BF who I had only met a couple of weeks earlier at a party, I was painfully shy but I did stay with him for another 28 years.

I think it's weird expecting to take a "friend" with you

I've received +1 invites for 2 weddings when I was single/in a brand new relationship and I hated it because in the first case I couldn't find anyone to go with me and in the second case, it was 'too soon' for my partner at the time to meet my friends and I hated that I felt obligated to take them.

Sorry OP but YABU and actually a little rude to ask.

I got married in my 20s and had lots of different friendship groups attend-some knew a few people and some knew more.

At the time we toyed with +1 but worked out there were 25 out of 60 guests that were single. If we'd have offered 25 people +1s we would have had 25 potential strangers at our wedding and it would have added c£2500 to our budget for food and drink plus would have tipped into needing a bigger room hire as would need more tables and chairs etc- we never worked out this cost but it would have been high!

We could have only given plus ones to those who didn't know lots of people but then how is that fair to the other single guests.

Some people just have no idea of the potential costs involved in 'just adding an extra person' and I'm sorry but there's no way you would double your gift to cover the costs (not that it's about tit for tat)

YABU, the singles table is always the most fun at any wedding I've ever attended.

@HunterHearstHelmsley

I've turned down invitations because I'm not going to sit alone all day. Either that or I'll show up, eat and fuck off.

OP knows other people at the wedding! She doesn't need to be planning to shag them afterwards in order to socialise during the wedding.

It's so entitled to expect someone to pay for an imaginary future date to eat, drink and be merry just to keep you company when you have friends there already!

Some people can't afford to give everyone plus ones. Does that mean they should exclude single friends?!

Just saw OP was planning to take a friend and not even a date so it's even odder she feels entitled to a plus one, as she already has friends attending - they're just attending with their long term partners. Presumably they won't spend the night solely gazing into each other's eyes or shagging and are perfectly capable of hanging out as a group including OP for the evening. I cannot understand why OP feels she's been treated unfairly at all here and if I was the bride I would be upset she had made this an issue or point of stress.

It's blindingly clear you've obviously never been married before so you're a bit delusional about the cost of it all. Your friend is being totally reasonable, if not for the fact of costings but for the fact that she doesn't want a stranger at her wedding. And the fact you think you're reimbursing her with a gift is laughable - you don't give a gift at a wedding to reimburse for the expense of the dinner/ your attendance. Give your head a wobble.

Plus one has not been normal at the weddings I’ve been to. Married or cohabiting couples are generally both invited, but not casual relating definitely not dates.

I was careful at my wedding, however, to try to sit groups of single people together with someone they knew as they were from the same friendship group, so hopefully nobody felt too bored or lonely.