AIBU to think it's protocol to allow a plus one to a wedding?

[Beepbopbot]

A friend has recently invited me to her wedding which will take place later this year. When I received the invite, I noticed that there was no option to bring a plus one.

I just saw her recently and while chatting I casually asked if it was possible to bring a friend/date with me to the wedding. She said no because the meals are expensive but that maybe I could bring someone after the meal for drinks.

She explained that I would not be alone (as I don't know anyone from her or the groom's family) as she had invited a couple other girls that we know mutually. These girls, however, are coming with their partners.

This is the thing that irritates me. I would understand if she was only inviting us girls and no one could bring their partner or a date but the way I see it is that because the other girls have long term partners, they are automatically included. But because I am currently single after separating from my partner, I have to come alone.

Am I being unreasonable to think that this is a cheap thing to do, and even borderline on not being a good friend? If I was still with my partner I can assume that we would both be invited, but it seems that saving on a dinner plate (which would inevitably be reimbursed back from myself in the form of a gift card/gift) is more important then making sure that I (or any other guest if they were in my position) is comfortable and doesn't have to feel those awkward moments that single ppl often do when surrounded by couples.

I'm interested to hearing if this is something that's normal or not... Thanks gals!

Not sure of ‘protocol’ but as a single person I wouldn’t expect to be able to bring another person to a wedding unless I had a known partner. I think it’s one of those things you do alone (usually fine in my experience) or decide not to go/just go to evening. I definitely wouldn’t label someone ‘not a very good friend’ for not inviting a plus one; it’s up to them and their finances.

Planning a wedding is very stressful. It's like sketching out your social world then drawing a circle over it that excludes some. Because you can't invite everyone you know and care about. If she allowed you to bring a random plus one, she'd probably have to exclude someone else she has an actual friendship with.

I lost friends because I didn't invite them to my wedding, it was horrible. But unless you hire Wembley, it's going to happen. Someone I quite liked had a single invite, wanted a plus one which I said no to, then she brought him anyway.

I've just a reread your OP where you think your friend is cheap and not a good friend for not allowing you to bring someone she potentially doesn't know to 'keep you company' at her wedding

And you also think the cost of a simple dinner plate would be reimbursed by a gift

You are so wrong and entitled. Potentially included in the cost and faff to add a person would be canapés, champagne to toast, wine/beer at the table, three course meal, evening spread, limited free drinks behind the bar, extra seat, table rearranging to fit numbers, wedding favours, adding to table plan print, extra order of service, place name etc etc

And reading through the majority who have said YANBU it's clear most of those posters have never been through the stress of organising a wedding and someone throwing you a last minute request to accommodate

Yanbu.

Why would they want a random stranger there? Well same reason they would want a random stranger who is someone's partner. There is no way they know and are close friends with every single one of their family and friends partners. There will always be partners who you have met once or not at all.

Why can't you just go by yourself? Same reason the other friends don't go by themselves.

Every reason that can apply to OP can also be applied to her friends, who are allowed to bring a plus one. So why can't OP.

I hear you. The most miserable social event I've ever been to was a school friend's wedding. No plus one as she hadn't met my boyfriend (now my DH of 20 years). I spent the meal being patronised by a crowd of London lawyers as I wasn't a lawyer and was apparently single and thus apparently worthless. Other school friends were there but had their partners with them and were interested only In them. I left quietly as soon as I decently could and still shudder at the thought of it. Haven't seen any of them since and feel happier for it.

YABU when you know other people at the wedding. Why should she pay for some random to eat and drink . Especially during Covid times when numbers are limited

From the way that you have phrased it, I would assume that she knows the partners of her friends. If you are single, she presumably won't know the create you choose to bring, so she would be paying extra for someone she doesn't know and may never see again, i don't thin she's being unreasonable at all. Plus, who wants strangers at one of the most intimate days of your life?

Sorry for the typos 😅 but you get my gist

We invited peoples partners because we knew them; i wouldn’t be want someone random at my wedding

I have only been invited with a plus 1 although i must admit yabu to expect it, hopefully she will let you bring a plus 1

I wouldn't want a random plus one turning up- it's not have a day out with a mate, it's her wedding. It's like having kids there- it's there choice. They don't want to pay for a random to be there, and would rather spend the money on people they know. If you don't like that, don't go.

@willstarttomorrow

I am nearly 50 now, back in the day plus one was a thing. However over the last 20 years weddings have morphed into a huge and costly 'it is all about what the bride wants' joyless showcase. I think it is very rude not to think about your guests feeling comfortable, looked after and happy. I also do not understand why anyone would want to host this way. However some people would rather book a venue that looks nice in photos, charge guests £200 a room in an out of the way place where they have to pay over the odds for drinks and extras because it is 'their special day'. Just decline.

I know that it’s received MN wisdom to declare that weddings are out of control and there are plenty of occasions where I agree but I think you have this very wrong. Where is the joyless spectacle in the preference that you actually know all of your guests?

My daughter got married last February (a month before lockdown!) and the per head cost per guest was a staggering £125 😱 You can bet your life she would not have paid for you to 'bring a friend'! You say that the bride and groom 'get it back in gift card/gift)! They don't really though (and that's not the point is it to be fair!) as a) 2 x £125 = £250. None of the gifts my daughter received were anywhere close to that amount 🤣 (entirely not the point of the gift giving and everything was lovely!). And of course the cost of a wedding is MUCH more than the cost of the food...so your comment is ridiculous anyway! It's obvious that you know nothing about planning (and paying for!) one!

Accept the invitation graciously or don't go!

In my experience, it depends whether the invites for single people are 'plus 1' or not. Sometimes I have been given one, sometimes not. This is also one of those areas where your perspective depends on whether you are the single guest or you are part of a couple (with or without children).

A friend's husband once joked that the aunt, uncle and cousins plus spouses and children she had felt compelled to invite to their wedding were very bad value guests because they bought one rather measly gift and took up about 10 places on the guest list. I should emphasise here that they had never got on with my friend and could certainly afford to buy a better present. She invited them to avoid them complaining to her mum, her aunt's sister. People have to juggle these complicated dynamics and I am fairly sure there were no plus 1s at their wedding. Perhaps your friend is in a similar position.

However, people do also forget that it can be a bit daunting to go to a wedding on your own. A sit down meal is better as it's easier to talk to people round a table than to go up to a group with your 'bright' face on introducing yourself. In your position, I think it would depend how well I knew the mutual friends. Having said that, you never know who you might meet if you do go. Just make sure you have an escape route and good excuse if you find yourself sitting in the corner on your own!

Their wedding is for them to invite who they want to share their marriage with, not a piss up for you and your mates.

Going to a wedding on your own can be daunting buts it’s not traumatising. I say this as an unmarried single who has been to multiple weddings alone over the last few years, some where I know plenty of people and a couple just like the OP, where I knew only one other person or couple!
I don’t think it’s BU to not want strangers at your wedding. Or people that you haven’t met. My best friend only invited partners she had previously met. That meant that some people who had a partner had to come alone. Even before COVID, capacity was limited in some places and who wants to go to their own wedding and have to be introduced to their own guests that they’re paying for?
Not every wedding is full of guests that look down on and patronise singles. Yes, it can be hard to sit their watching happy couples dance and such, but not everyone is rude about it and not everyone will ignore you. You make small talk. You chat to people at the bar. Compliment someone on their dress and see where it goes. You never have to see people again.

Sorry OP I think YABU.

When I got married I didn’t even think to add +1 to any invites, no one asked and no one brought one uninvited

We had a max capacity and budget for 100 and just family took up most of that

@willstarttomorrow

I am nearly 50 now, back in the day plus one was a thing. However over the last 20 years weddings have morphed into a huge and costly 'it is all about what the bride wants' joyless showcase. I think it is very rude not to think about your guests feeling comfortable, looked after and happy. I also do not understand why anyone would want to host this way. However some people would rather book a venue that looks nice in photos, charge guests £200 a room in an out of the way place where they have to pay over the odds for drinks and extras because it is 'their special day'. Just decline.

“Back in the day” rubbish. I have never received a +1 to a big or small wedding. It’s pretty standard not to ask very new on the scene boyfriends/girlfriends or complete strangers. Why can’t people stand on their own two feet and just get on with it? Is there some kind of shame in being single? I have declined weddings when they are going to prove logistically or financially too difficult but it’s up to the couple getting married what sort of day they choose and certainly it’s up to them to stick to people they know; even more important when having a smaller wedding.

It reminds me of my DB’s wedding when one of his university friends turned up on the day with a new girlfriend. When the invitations were sent out weeks before, my DB’s friend’s invitation was sent to him and his wife. My DB and mutual friends didn’t know that in the weeks before the wedding his friend’s DW found out about his girlfriend and left him so he just treated the spare space like a +1. The new OW/girlfriend came along and tutted and sighed her way through the church ceremony, patronised other guests and commented on the “cheap little reception”, got pissed and disappeared before the speeches. But she’s now in all their photos.

If you're not single you wouldn't understand it is really hard being single at a do when everyone else is in couples. Really hard. Even when you know lots of people it is still hard

I've been to plenty of weddings both alone when single, and in a couple... It's only "really hard" if you both don't have other friends there, and others are also unsociable and don't extend social interaction beyond their couple or cliques.

I didn’t invite any strangers to my wedding - I think what your friend has done is fine.
My cousin (30-something yo) asked if she could bring her new boyfriend and I said no as I did not know him. She said she did not feel comfortable attending alone (albeit with her other direct family members) and so she would not attend - Admittedly we’re not all that close but that was fine by me.
I think the idea of bringing a random plus 1 to a wedding seems to be (based on TV shows and films that I’ve seen) more of an American thing, where weddings also tend to be bigger and more lavish events.
I do think it a shame for you that you don’t feel comfortable attending alone, particularly as you do know some of the couples there.

I am nearly 50 now, back in the day plus one was a thing. However over the last 20 years weddings have morphed into a huge and costly

I'm in my late 40's and weddings were generally very costly affairs 20 years ago too! I don't think much has changed over that time.

I don't ever remember being invited to a wedding with a plus one when I was single. It's never really been a thing.

@Historytoo

I hear you. The most miserable social event I've ever been to was a school friend's wedding. No plus one as she hadn't met my boyfriend (now my DH of 20 years). I spent the meal being patronised by a crowd of London lawyers as I wasn't a lawyer and was apparently single and thus apparently worthless. Other school friends were there but had their partners with them and were interested only In them. I left quietly as soon as I decently could and still shudder at the thought of it. Haven't seen any of them since and feel happier for it.

Sounds grim. I expect they would have been tossers regardless of your marital status though. It sounds like whoever planned the tables didn’t think carefully enough about who sat with who.

When I think back over the weddings I attended as a single person and as a married person actually the worst weddings were the ones stuck on tables where the mix of people wasn’t great, not the weddings where I went alone. For example everyone else is an accountant from a particular firm or everyone else on the table met at school and share in jokes all evening - a nightmare whether single or in a couple. A lot of weddings don’t seat couples next to each other either!

Yabu, and I say that as someone who got invited as a plus one once.

Had only been with my partner for about 3 months when we went to the wedding. I thought it was bloody weird to invite me along, the couple didn't know me at all. My partner got invited because he was an old work colleague to one of them. I think really they just wanted a ton of people at their wedding to have a big wedding. There was so many people there. But it is still unusual to do that.

YABU, it's probably restricted because of Covid, so why would she invite people she doesn't know.