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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's protocol to allow a plus one to a wedding?

196 replies

Beepbopbot · 14/06/2021 22:54

A friend has recently invited me to her wedding which will take place later this year. When I received the invite, I noticed that there was no option to bring a plus one.

I just saw her recently and while chatting I casually asked if it was possible to bring a friend/date with me to the wedding. She said no because the meals are expensive but that maybe I could bring someone after the meal for drinks.

She explained that I would not be alone (as I don't know anyone from her or the groom's family) as she had invited a couple other girls that we know mutually. These girls, however, are coming with their partners.

This is the thing that irritates me. I would understand if she was only inviting us girls and no one could bring their partner or a date but the way I see it is that because the other girls have long term partners, they are automatically included. But because I am currently single after separating from my partner, I have to come alone.

Am I being unreasonable to think that this is a cheap thing to do, and even borderline on not being a good friend? If I was still with my partner I can assume that we would both be invited, but it seems that saving on a dinner plate (which would inevitably be reimbursed back from myself in the form of a gift card/gift) is more important then making sure that I (or any other guest if they were in my position) is comfortable and doesn't have to feel those awkward moments that single ppl often do when surrounded by couples.

I'm interested to hearing if this is something that's normal or not... Thanks gals!

OP posts:
ArosGartref · 14/06/2021 23:08

Would you really spend double on a gift because you had a plus one?

LordEmsworth · 14/06/2021 23:08

Umm, well, in rom coms and the like, yes it is expected. It's generally the premise to a heartwarming story of fate and true love (not the bride & groom's, they're bit players).

In real life, it really isn't... I have only ever attended weddings alone, sometimes where I only really know the bride, and I have been grateful to have been invited.

Speaking as a single person, I rarely feel awkward around couples. Either you could do with some practice at being single, or you know some weird couples...

MaggieFS · 14/06/2021 23:09

YABU. I think it's weird to even consider an invitation to something as deeply personal as a wedding going to a semi-random plus one.

I was single from 23 - 34 years old. I went to at least 13 (that I can remember!) weddings alone. Three of which I knew no one else apart from the bride. You just get on with it.

katy1213 · 14/06/2021 23:09

Are you so lacking in social graces that you can't mingle at a wedding without a male crutch?

GreyhoundG1rl · 14/06/2021 23:10

Despite what people will tell you; you're not wrong, op.

Dogoodfeelgood · 14/06/2021 23:13

Yes you are being unreasonable, even pre covid I believe the general rule is that someone brings their partner if they’re living together - more likely that the couple has met the partner or will meet the partner in the future. It’s only in American movies that you get to take a random date to a wedding.

Honeyroar · 14/06/2021 23:13

Why would you think her plus one have to be male Katy1213?

I can see the OP’s side - if she only knows two people who will have their partners with them she might feel a bit of a gooseberry. So in her case I’d probably give her a plus one.

MRex · 14/06/2021 23:15

It's very common; unfortunately people who've always been in a couple don't understand what it's like to be the only one without a partner. Unfortunately it is what it is, as long as weddings are expensive many choose not to consider how it feels to be the one who's made to feel lonely by the host's active choice. Back before DH, I declined multiple wedding invites for that same reason and I won't even give dinner party invites to single friends without extending a +1 if they'd prefer. I'd decline but get them a lovely gift and do something fun on the day instead.

princessandthebaby · 14/06/2021 23:15

Don't read into it.

I invited work colleagues (had to invite all my team or it would have been awkward.
Invites sent 7 months in advance to a couple both working in our team, friend and her dh as we had met several times, 2 friends with their 2 kids (I knew/ met lots) and 3 singles.
1 friend with kids met a boyfriend 4-6 weeks before the date and asked to bring him. No question I said no as any spare places go to family first.
I'd not seen him, he was a stranger so I didn't want to pay for him over my own extended family.

Hope that makes sense!
It's not personal to you.

Original poster
Beepbopbot · 14/06/2021 23:16

I'm gay, so female escort if you will :p .. also, I was going to bring a friend, nothing sexual about it. But I take your point

OP posts:
PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 14/06/2021 23:18

No, it’s not at all the norm at weddings in the UK to give single guests an open plus one.

Hardbackwriter · 14/06/2021 23:20

I blame TV for your misunderstanding here, OP - in real life it isn't at all rude or unusual to not allow your friends to invite people who are total strangers to you to your wedding. On TV all weddings have plus ones for the same reason as the whole main cast go to any wedding or funeral even if it's a relative of just one of them; it serves the plot.

TippledPink · 14/06/2021 23:20

I have been to a wedding on my own where I knew no one and my boyfriend joined in the evening. We are now getting married, I have two single friends who I have offered plus 1's to, one said no thanks and the other is bringing her best friend who I know. I wouldn't really want to pay for someone I don't know and who isn't even in a relationship with my friend, luckily she was fine with my suggestion of bringing the friend!

FizzyPink · 14/06/2021 23:22

I think you were incredibly rude to ask. Their wedding, their choice. No way would I be paying for a guest to bring a randomer I didn’t know to my wedding.

ThanksItHasPockets · 14/06/2021 23:23

It’s unreasonable to expect your friend to host a total stranger at her wedding. The bride and groom shouldn’t have to be introduced to half of their guests.

MiddleClassProblem · 14/06/2021 23:25

Having a long term partner there is having someone there that they may see again in the future, or have a regular relationship with meeting as couples etc.

You bringing a random date or friend who might be in pictures that they look back in and go “who the hell is that” may not have quite the same appeal.

And gifts/money seen as a reimbursement is bizarre!

You seem to only want to go if it’s an even transaction like you’ve been shortchanged because you have a right to two spots.

I do understand that you don’t want to feel like a third wheel, and fwiw we were able to give plus ones and did fir precisely this reason, but they don’t know the person you may bring or get to veto it. It’s a lot of money that your gift card (covering 2xmeals, canapés, toast drinks and after ceremony drinks etc) is unlikely to cover, on a stranger.

OwlinaTree · 14/06/2021 23:27

I think it's unusual to have an open plus one tbh. At our wedding we did invite long term partners of people even if we didn't know them, and then couples we socialised with of course. But we didn't invite less serious partners of people if we hadn't met them at all. There was exceptions for one or two single friends who didn't know anyone else coming.
It is difficult, in an ideal world we would have had everyone bring a plus one but there is usually a numbers limit as much as the cost limit.

Graphista · 14/06/2021 23:28

You need to toughen up and be comfy with going out single.

Weddings are very expensive per head PLUS COVID restrictions of course she wants aunt Mary there who babysat her as a kid rather than some random you pick last minute.

Being single is mostly a good thing imo I like being single, there are some cons though just as there are to being in a couple. This is just how it goes.

I've attended weddings, christenings, bar mitzvah's etc both coupled and single and never had a problem. There's always someone to talk to and have fun with I've met people who've become friends this way.

Dont wedding have guest/price brackets, like up to 50 guests = 10k, 50-75 guests = 15k?

Depends on the location and type. Some places charge in a banding structure as above, some per head.

Plus if one single guest who isn't in a ltr is given a plus one then it's only fair to do the same for other single guests OR the bride and groom could be risking major arguments of "well SHE got a plus one" type

Their wedding, not yours, you don't have to go if you're not comfy

Ohpulltheotherone · 14/06/2021 23:33

YANBU AT ALL

It is the height of rudeness to expect people to attend weddings and events on their own simply because they don’t have a long term partner - and everyone else’s partner is invited.

If you can’t afford to feed and water people don’t have a big wedding or save up for another 6 months if you absolutely must have a sit down dinner and all the trimmings of a big wedding.

It’s honestly such bad manners - you’re inviting people to celebrate with you but you want them to sit alone with couples all around them. Foot the cost of the travel, hotel, drinks, gift all by themselves.

I think it’s really bad form. So no, you’re not unreasonable in my book.

I’d never do this to a friend personally, it’s cringe af.

MyDcAreMarvel · 14/06/2021 23:36

Don’t be ridiculous op, you don’t have “one” to bring.

Aquafizzle · 14/06/2021 23:36

YABU

It's so expensive to allow plus ones that the couple.dont know. I have been single at multiple weddings and it's not a problem because everyone is friendly and in good form, you get to chat to those at your table.. if you feel socially awkward you can retreat to your room for an hour and rejoin for the dancing. No one is looking at you and judging you, just enjoy yourself!

Flowerlane · 14/06/2021 23:37

I was invited to a wedding a couple of years back i was the only single person there! I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life it was so awkward when it was the sit down meal and photos. I hated every second.
A year later another friend got married who was originally at the first wedding and knew how uncomfortable I had been the whole day, again no plus one from her either. I declined the invite.

A plus one seems to be from a different era now, it’s seems mainly due to how expensive weddings are these days.

ScottishNewbie · 14/06/2021 23:37

I wouldn't want someone I didn't know at one of the most special and important days of my life.
If my friends have long term partners, I know them, and have a friendship with them.
No way would I want a friend bringing some random who I then have to seat and feed at my expense.
YABVU

Mischance · 14/06/2021 23:40

YABU - the couple get to decide who comes to a wedding and this will depend on many things, including cost.

If they have decided to invite couples who have a stable long term relationship, that is fine; and I can entirely understand that they do not want some random person they do not know coming along.

You will be fine on your own - if you do not know people then this is a chance to get to know them.

AhNowTed · 14/06/2021 23:41

YABU

I'm quite happy to attend a wedding without my DH. And frankly wouldn't put my DH through a wedding of a couple he'd never met. I enjoy myself far more without worrying about him.

And you're not going to be alone. You have friends attending.

And it's not rude, or cringe to prioritise actual friends and family over some randomer.

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