Colleague altering his parts

[changingnameforthis1234]

I have a fairly new work colleague. It's a small office and we are allowed a maximum of two at a time in there due to Covid and also wear masks as we can't really keep 2 metres apart. There are often three on duty for an hour in the middle of the day and then one of us takes a break outside.
My AIBU is that every single time I'm alone with this male colleague which isn't that often, he spreads his legs and sort of alters his bits. It's hard not to be aware and im finding it uncomfortable.
The organisation is very tough on any sort of behaviour that could cause offence. Problem is I really really don't know if this is just a habit he has or if he does it in front of any male colleague.
If I mention it to another colleague and ask it's very likely they would report it to the manager.
I'm really not sure if this is being done to intimidate, is habit, or he's just a skank. He's a male in his 40's. I'm older and female. He seems ok in other ways , certainly not objectionable in any other way
So AIBU to just continue to ignore?
Btw I've name changed and do promise I'm not trolling

Agree 100% @NeverDropYourMoonCup. Women just don't behave like this (that I've noticed), although we have much more that could potentially cause us trouble! I mean thrush, tampons pinching if they move position., sanitary towels slipping, menopausal dryness and itching...and yet it's 'oh men have terribly sensitive genitalia which they need to adjust regularly and also means they need to take up tonnes of room on seats., etc.' Man's world, man's needs are the default normal.

I'd find this quite easy to deal with I think. I'd just say ' ha, are you alright there?' when he did it. This strikes the right balance of joking and serious and is ideal if you believe he doesn't realise he's doing it - although how he doesn't, I don't know

But anyway, it flags to him that you've noticed and if he carries on, well, then you need to rethink

I really don't know him well at all and the environment is usually very anti harassment , anti sexism etc.

Could you take the approach @changingnameforthis1234 that as he's new, you just wanted to give him some friendly advice about his crotch grabbing - along the lines of "Just thought I should let you know that your personal behaviour could contravene our office policies about respect for each other. What you're doing could be seen as borderline behaviour in terms of sexism & harassment."

I work with a man who does this. He's only late 20s and he does it just sat at his desk in the open office, so it's not in a sexual way.

It's grim and I once saw him literally touch his bits directly to do it.

It's strange as he's not the sort of weirdo you'd expect someone like that to be. I actually thought he was a bit fit at one point, but the incident when he absent-mindedly put his hands down his underwear changed that for me.

Maybe he's just a super sweaty guy? Let him have a fiddle with his property. Trust me it gets very uncomfortable down there in heat.

@John69

Maybe he's just a super sweaty guy? Let him have a fiddle with his property. Trust me it gets very uncomfortable down there in heat.

Women are literally sitting there bleeding into pads stuffed into their undies or tampons. Did you know that these can get quite uncomfortable? Full tampons can slip a little but if you’re in hours of meetings you might hold off on heading to the bathroom. Pads are plastic basically - talk about things that get hot and uncomfortable. Thrush is a very common vaginal condition, very itchy. Enough with the double standards, of bloody course (pun intended) women get uncomfortable too, we are not made of sunshine and rainbows.

I'm a shameless boob adjuster. Bras are uncomfortable. I'm not going to be delicate and excuse myself to go hide in a bathroom just to pull the wire out of my side-tit. If it makes someone uncomfortable they can tell me and I'll not do it when they're looking. Otherwise I'm just going to keep on. I don't do it for attention. I don't do it while staring into someone's eyes. It's not sexual.

You don't know why the guy is rearranging his his goolies, but if you don't like it then just let him know. Maybe he doesn't realise you're uncomfortable. Maybe he doesn't realise you notice. It doesn't need to be a drama.

I don't think he's doing this in a targeted or sexual way at all.

Take a deep breath. Raise it factually with your line manager. It's then up to them & HR, if necessary, to work out how to sort it. HR can be trained to deal with sensitive matters (hygiene etc.).

Handball it over to them and just get on with your work. It's not like you have a close relationship with this colleague and the chat/banter will stop.

Just do it and put it behind you. You're kind to consider his feelings but you're overthinking and trying to come up with solutions when you really don't have to.

I experienced this when I was working as a trainee pharmacist. The locum pharmacist kept on doing it and I found it uncomfortable and weird . At first everyone ignored it till one if the more senior ladies told him to stop pulling his penis to the side. He genuinely seemed mortified, he apologised afterwards and didn't seem to realise he did it. i
It did affect his work as we told the boss we would prefer not to work with him as it was creepy.

Speak to your boss if you are not able to speak to him directly. Whether he is aware of it or not, you shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable.

Sounds deliberate if you 'know' he's going to do it the minute you're there.

If you can't say anything directly then you need a word with HR or your line mgr. You don't have to say if you think its deliberate or not, just that it makes you very uncomfortable. It's not your responsibility to worry about how he'll appear as a married man or whatever. That's all on him.

@John69

Maybe he's just a super sweaty guy? Let him have a fiddle with his property. Trust me it gets very uncomfortable down there in heat.

Awww. Poor uncomfortable men, getting sweaty bollocks.

Out of interest, on a hot day, when sitting down might produce a sort of Amazonian humidity feeling (especially on a plastic chair - always do a little side-slide move to erase any condensation when you get up, is my pro-tip), is it okay for women to try to alleviate this? Say, by exaggeratedly opening and closing their legs to promote airflow? Or maybe by borrowing the office fan for a moment to blow away the cobwebs? Would that be weird?

I look forward to your response as I'm sure you're an equal opportunities comfort enthusiast

I had a course mate like this! Every time he sat down (even when we're about to have food), he'd spend a good minute adjusting himself. Asked him why he did that all the time and apparently it's because he wore loose boxers and bits were getting caught everywhere.

I've talked to DH about this sort of thing before, asked why guys do it, and he said it tends to be to prevent sitting on their testicles.

DH admitted as he's aged his testicles hang lower than they used to so he needs to sit in a particular way or shift his pants in a way not to pinch them.

So, while I appreciate that you don't like seeing it, any medical condition he has is not your business. It doesn't appear he's doing it to upset you based on your posts and only if he were is it your business to comment. Liken it to coughing, or sneezing, or eating loudly... annoying but you can't like everyone.

So, in the words of someone breast feeding in public, just don't look.

My ex-husband used to do this. Not a flamboyant hands down his pants, just a quick tug at the zip area of his trousers when he stood up or occasionally at other times. I didn’t think a great deal of it - thought of it like a bra adjustment. Then I went over to meet his family & every one of his male relatives did it too. They’d be standing chatting to each other & all would do the little tug thing. At moments of boredom I’d try to guess who’d do it next.
As a couple PP posters have said, some women do adjust their pants in public. I worked with one whose bum used to eat her pants & she was always pulling them out. I think it’s just an unconscious thing sometimes, but perhaps just try asking him why he does it.
On the other hand it’s not clear what degree of adjustment your colleague is making. A big hands in his pants fumble is another matter.

@sykadelic

I've talked to DH about this sort of thing before, asked why guys do it, and he said it tends to be to prevent sitting on their testicles.

DH admitted as he's aged his testicles hang lower than they used to so he needs to sit in a particular way or shift his pants in a way not to pinch them.

So, while I appreciate that you don't like seeing it, any medical condition he has is not your business. It doesn't appear he's doing it to upset you based on your posts and only if he were is it your business to comment. Liken it to coughing, or sneezing, or eating loudly... annoying but you can't like everyone.

So, in the words of someone breast feeding in public, just don't look.

Surely this can be resolved by a different type of underwear?

I mean, we keep our breasts in place with bras. Not because we want to wear bras, but because it's socially acceptable.

If different underwear doesn't help (I'm thinking boxers probably don't allow for strategic positioning but maybe Y fronts do?) then there's clearly a massive gap in the marketplace. As a woman, the need for men to constantly fiddle with themselves and manspread onto three seats has always been a mystery to me. Maybe a bloke or a woman with a male DP can take this forward and become a millionaire!

Good God, no don't discuss with him direct and do not email him about it!!!

I was so glad to see OPs last comment that she realised it could be misconstrued

OP whether you feel your LM will deal with it well or not, you need to report to your LM & let them try. You can ask that it is anonymous (your name not used) . If that doesn't work - I.e that he stops adjusting his balls and penis through his clothes in front of you whilst at work when you are alone in same room- or if you get any flak back as a result of asking LM to stop him- then report it to HR

Enough PPs have told you, this is inappropriate behaviour and that men don't usually do this at work - especially not consistently in front of a lone woman. And no his "trousers aren't too tight", after the first time he found it necessary to 'adjust himself at work', the man could easily have bought himself a roomier pair of trousers if that was the issue.

Is he actually putting his hand down his trousers? Then not even washing his hands? Touching the phone and door handles and kettle?

I'd have to say something.

It is perfectly doable to not be constantly touching your bits. I've never seen my DH doing this.

I have had success in similar situations op - by doing a “noticeable frown and stare hard at their hand” - to make them aware, and they haven’t done it again.

Say, by exaggeratedly opening and closing their legs to promote airflow?

I do sit like that when it's a heatwave and I don't have a short dress on. Not when I am facing someone, but i absolutely do to be comfy. I adjust bras, I adjust leggings on a side, anything that makes me uncomfortable. I did not realise how often i adjust the leggings until friend asked what's wrong.

It's like nose pickers. They often don't realise they are doing it. Same with ball adjusters, some bra adjusters, hair curlers, leg tappers, scratchers, pen tappers, etc.

Just say "can you stop that, please" and most people will do "oh, I didn't even realise!"

I've seen plenty of men do this in an office setting. If it's every time he sits he's likely well endowed and trying not to sit on his bits. DH has perfected a sort of little swing them forward manoeuvre before he sits. Most men will adjust but they generally try to do it without touching their crotch, just a bit of shuffling around. Personally it wouldn't annoy me but you feel how you feel. If you feel intimidated then you absolutely should bring it up. If you think he's just sitting down I'd leave it.

Perhaps all men who are in a mixed work environment could encouraged to visit a professional fitter and get properly fitting underdaks? Problem solved.

I do not want to know anything about my colleagues' underwear or penises, thank you very much.

Speaking to your LM about sounds like a good first step. Hope you get the result you want.

@TicketyTickTock

I've seen plenty of men do this in an office setting. If it's every time he sits he's likely well endowed and trying not to sit on his bits. DH has perfected a sort of little swing them forward manoeuvre before he sits. Most men will adjust but they generally try to do it without touching their crotch, just a bit of shuffling around. Personally it wouldn't annoy me but you feel how you feel. If you feel intimidated then you absolutely should bring it up. If you think he's just sitting down I'd leave it.

Why not just wear properly fitting underwear?

My DH won't wear those big cotton boxers for precisely this reason. He wants things kept in place so they don't get caught/trapped/pinched and don't require adjustment.

If I had to rearrange my boobs several times a day I'd buy a different type of bra. Are men really so pathetic they can't manage to buy decent pants?

Is he actually putting his hand down his trousers? Then not even washing his hands? Touching the phone and door handles and kettle?
Sorry thought I'd made it clear that, No, he's not putting his hand down his trousers. I think that would be much more simple to deal with.
He goes to sit down, stretches his legs wide out then sort of adjusts himself on his chair, he doesn't even use his hands much, sort of uses the chair to move his bits around.
It's very obvious and for the poster who suggested not to look, that wouldn't be possible. Our legs are about 2ft apart, the office is tiny and he turns to face me to chat while he's doing the adjustments