Colleague altering his parts

[changingnameforthis1234]

I have a fairly new work colleague. It's a small office and we are allowed a maximum of two at a time in there due to Covid and also wear masks as we can't really keep 2 metres apart. There are often three on duty for an hour in the middle of the day and then one of us takes a break outside.
My AIBU is that every single time I'm alone with this male colleague which isn't that often, he spreads his legs and sort of alters his bits. It's hard not to be aware and im finding it uncomfortable.
The organisation is very tough on any sort of behaviour that could cause offence. Problem is I really really don't know if this is just a habit he has or if he does it in front of any male colleague.
If I mention it to another colleague and ask it's very likely they would report it to the manager.
I'm really not sure if this is being done to intimidate, is habit, or he's just a skank. He's a male in his 40's. I'm older and female. He seems ok in other ways , certainly not objectionable in any other way
So AIBU to just continue to ignore?
Btw I've name changed and do promise I'm not trolling

If you saw a woman repeatedly touching her crotch in the office would you assume she is doing it without thinking about it?
I hate the fact that it is semi-allowed for men to touch this area in public - DH does it from time to time at home, I usually look at him and mirror what he is doing, he gets the message and stops for some weeks usually. They definitely know they are doing it, they just figure it is fine.

@changingnameforthis1234. Could you spray a water pistol at him each time he does it to train him?

Ask your LM if he's ever seen "Dave" doing this. If he has, he can talk to Dave about it. If he hasn't - why not? - I think you're looking at a misogynist "micro-aggression" designed as a sort of chimpanzee threat display to assert dominance. Dave needs challenging whichever way.

If you get nowhere with LM, you could try saying to "Dave" something like,

"Dave if you were a gorilla, you'd be beating on your chest right now. Can you take that male display outside, or if you really need an audience (he does!) I expect there's a mirror in the gents, isn't there?"

What @spongedog said ^

@spongedog

i would go for a 2-line approach.

Email your LM stating that colleague's actions make you feel uncomfortable but you will have a direct word. If things dont change/improve/stop you will come back to them.

Then speak to colleague directly - from your description of the environment perhaps low key factual. Then do yourself a file note - date and save.

If behaviour improves - great
If it doesnt then you have a decent audit trail.

Perfect!

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

SunshineCake, No. It really isn't different, it's a bit grimy. I don't want to see either and there's no excuse for either to be done in front of other people. If you (general) find that you're having to keep adjusting yourself then leave so that you can do it in private or perhaps 'road test' your clothes at home so that you can be sure they fit?

In your opinion. In mine it is different. A man can do a lot of damage with his penis. A woman can't with her genitals. This man appears to be trying to intimidate the OP and there in lies the issue.

Is his name Rafael Nadal?

Speak the persons LM (email ) directly ( try not to name names), just say one of your male subordinate is doing something that you find unacceptable ( try to explain) and the the LM deal with it, if it doesn’t improve/ stop by xx time you will escalate the issue to HR,

If the behaviour doesn’t stop escalate to HR with the LM email as evidence,

I would advise against speaking directly to the person until you have at least contacted the LM

SunshineCake where has OP said that? It's other posters who've talked of 'intimidation'. If that is the case then that's a different thing, isn't it?

I don't have an issue with pulling up a slipped bra strap but I personally don't want to see anybody adjusting bits or digging pants out of their bottom. It's gross. Do it in private. Not difficult.

@Dahlietta

I can't be the only one who clicked on this thread just to find out if it was a) sex change b) am-dram or c) leg-spreader (with interference).

I thought it was a) :)

@changingnameforthis1234

He waits until the other person has left before he adjusts himself

And

He always adjusts himself when you're there

This is not a man doing it by accident. This is a man who's relying on your timidityb to not report him

So why the fuck should be continue to get away with it? Because he's a husband and father? Maybe the wife needs to know she married a misogynist creep, maybe that would be a favour to get off she's looking for reasons to leave.

Please report him. Who knows what else he's doing

*favour to her if

Take a big mirror in to work and when he starts face it towards him.

DH does it from time to time at home, I usually look at him and mirror what he is doing, he gets the message and stops for some weeks usually.

Bit harsh when one cannot adjust even at home

[quote DameFanny]@changingnameforthis1234

He waits until the other person has left before he adjusts himself

And

He always adjusts himself when you're there

This is not a man doing it by accident. This is a man who's relying on your timidityb to not report him

So why the fuck should be continue to get away with it? Because he's a husband and father? Maybe the wife needs to know she married a misogynist creep, maybe that would be a favour to get off she's looking for reasons to leave.

Please report him. Who knows what else he's doing[/quote]
I'm in no way making excuses as it's grim behaviour but - he may well be adjusting himself when OP is there just as much as when she isn't there. Perhaps he's always doing it but OP wouldn't be aware when she's not present?

I think there are some good responses on this thread to put a stop to it, if OP wants to and presumably she does. If it doesn't stop then she can escalate it as you say.

@LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee

If you saw a woman repeatedly touching her crotch in the office would you assume she is doing it without thinking about it? I hate the fact that it is semi-allowed for men to touch this area in public - DH does it from time to time at home, I usually look at him and mirror what he is doing, he gets the message and stops for some weeks usually. They definitely know they are doing it, they just figure it is fine.

I wasn't talking about a woman touching her crotch. I was referencing taking her underwear out of her bottom.

If it were me, I'd just speak to HR and ask them to have a quite word, leaving you anonymous.

If he is doing it on purpose to only you, he'll know but he'll also know he is on HR's radar, plus it's documented officially if it continues.

If he doesn't realise he is doing it, it'll make him conscious about it and stop it that way, without him ever knowing it was you that raised it.

Speaking from an HR POV...ex NHS manager.
If you reported it, would he know it was you, ie does he work/have meetings with other people? Ie if you do report it will he know it was you?
Actually I think either way, if you don't feel you can address it yourself directly then I would go to your boss or HR link if you have one and say that this is happening, it makes you feel uncomfortable, you aren't complaining that it is harassment but it needs to be stopped please.
And actually third thoughts, even if he knows it was you, if you had addressed it directly with him, he might then have a complaint against you that you had addressed it directly to him and made HIM feel harassed instead of taking it through proper channels....I know crazy but possible.
Basically IMO the wet manager has to person up!

just say 'oi stop fondling yourself it makes me feel nauseous'

Ps I read the title and thought it was a weird plastic surgery thread

or pull your phone out & film?

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

SunshineCake where has OP said that? It's other posters who've talked of 'intimidation'. If that is the case then that's a different thing, isn't it?

I don't have an issue with pulling up a slipped bra strap but I personally don't want to see anybody adjusting bits or digging pants out of their bottom. It's gross. Do it in private. Not difficult.

My assumption that the OP was intimidated. At the very least she is upset.

What about a ''polite'' anonymous note. Perhaps he has a skin condition?
Jesus, someone will be saying he may have a mental illness next.
Stop making excuses for these men. They wouldn't do it in front of their mum but they think they can do it in front of other women when they are alone.

I used to see it a lot with older teenage lads when I looked with them. They were told to stop playing with their junk straight away!

If you are not comfortable raising it with "Dave" or your other colleague, you need to tell either your manager or HR. Whether it's subconscious, or medical, or clothing-related, or intentional - it's still for your manager and HR to ensure each person upholds professional standards.

You all have the right to feel comfortable and free from harassment in the workplace but not so comfortable anyone rummages in their bits.

My boss does this readjusting his bits and scratching. I have even seen him sniff his fingers!! My colleagues have also started to notice. Good on you all those who are assertive and saying something just rolls of the tongue so easily.