Using my inheritance to fund adult child's PhD: Aibu not to? Long post, sorry

[toconclude]

DS2 has his heart set on an academic career in a niche subject(not STEM), related to his special interest - he's autistic but no LD in fact very bright. He lives rent free in his own home funded by a lump sum from invested DLA plus interest free loan from us.

Bluntly I feel his ambition is not realistic: even were he not autistic, openings in his field are very rare. But he's decided it's the only thing that will make him happy and talks of feeling very low if he can't achieve it. I've tried gently but clearly explaining how tough making an academic career is - I know people who have struggled severely and had in the end to follow other paths. Have suggested he look more short term and try to find more rewarding work day to day, get involved in his local community etc and follow the special interest as a hobby. Every conversation circles round to the same subject though.

He also struggles to stay employed anyway but puts it down to the jobs not being suitable for him - imo there is more to it than that as he finds social interaction hard at times and any fast paced environment stressful. He has no real idea of academic work and thinks it's all interesting research and set piece lecturing. Sadly his tutors so far do not seem to have impressed the reality onto him.

Thing is, I could in theory use my inheritance from late DM to fund a PhD, though it would eat the majority of it up especially if I were to match fund DS1 which would only be fair. DH and I can live modestly on his decent pension and my small one (had to take long career break due to DS2 needs and unpredictable nature of DH job at the time meaning no money for childcare and irregular contract working so irregular paternal availability). After DH dies I should also be financially stable. DMs money is just for an income for treats at present, plus rainy day/eventual care fund. DS2 does not know how much I have but says if I were 'more supportive, like other parents (unspecified, but he's sure they exist and I guess probably they do)' I'd help him out more and specifically with more study.

I think we've helped him a fair bit including financially - he is 30 and has never had to pay rent either at home or away,we funded 5 years of post 18 living and housing costs for first degree and Masters topping up his student loan plus regularly buying things he needs/paying essential bills and some big ticket items though he has met his basic living expenses through earnings and benefits.

Having looked at various MN threads consensus appears to be that we should financially support him until he can support himself but what if that's the rest of our lives? Am I just a selfish bitch for wanting more than a basic retirement? What will DS1, who frankly doesn't like his brother very much owing to many childhood and later embarrassments/stresses and doesn't keep in close touch with him, make of it if I do?

It would be so much easier if we just couldn't afford it, tbh. I feel morally compromised because in theory the cash is there. First world/middle class problem, eh?

He will never do without essentials, we're committed to that. We just seem to have very different ideas on what's essential

A medal for anyone who got this far, lol. Didn't want to dripfeed.

@dreamingbohemian

Totally agree. I also had many issues in my twenties and my parents thought I was ridiculous and unrealistic doing a phd and only became supportive after I got funding. I don't want to stay in academia but I don't regret doing it all and developed a freelancing income while studying.

Many many people doing phds are not neurotypical. Obsessive tendencies help!

That said, still not a good idea to use inheritance to fund it. Just get a loan.

Wow OP, I think this is pretty unequivocal from the crowd sourced wisdom of mumsnet.

I don't disagree. I do think, though, that you might struggle with guilt a bit if you don't do this.

What would your DM have wanted?

Is there a chance you could divide this money, half for you and spouse, a quarter to each child? Like everyone else, I feel very much that you shouldn't fund his Ph.D., but I wonder if just earmarking that money for him, for something sensible and helpful for his whole life, and something DM would have had some pleasure in for him, if that might help you out with the mental part of this?

Good luck. And remember, you deserve some pleasure out of the money, surely your DM would want to see you smile.

Is is a very caring thought.

But I think you need someone to tell you: don't waste your money.
Even were he to manage to complete a PhD there would then be more financial demands. And if the started then stopped, a total waste.

So keep the money for something more worthwhile, preferably to be spent on your DH and self!

Inheritances aren't "free money" to be squandered on bursts of emotion, or on false senses of "doing the right thing".

You sound like a very caring and responsible parent, OP.

You've done your best for your son. Throwing money at something isn't always the best thing, and in this instance it doesn't sound like it would be the right thing to do. For you or your son.

Just one more thing - you normally have to have a decent proposal and capability for a supervisor to take you on to do a phd. No academic wants the extra burden of an incapable phd student. Wait to see if he even gets a place, and if he does and wants to proceed let him take out the loan.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I have a son who's similar, OP, but there's no money or inheritance to fund him for any of this. He is also very unrealistic. Similar relationship with his sibling, she will not be caring for him, we've made this clear that she should not, he's very hard to live with, and she plans to emigrate anyway. Good. I don't want her spending her life on him.

NO, please do not fund this. You may need it yourself for health problems, you never know.

You've done enough for him.

There are often lots of local charities who will offer placements and support for those needing to enter employment, for those with SEN and those who are NT. He clearly does need some support entering the jobs market and remaining employed.

I seriously wish people would stop spouting this utter drivel. It's total bullshit. There's very little to no support out there for people with disabilities, particularly in this category.

It's actually what I find so hard about having a child like my son and yours, OP, there's no place for them in this world and they are so unrealistic and stubborn it's not going to make for a nice life for them.

My son will pester and badger and harp on the one thing he wants until I honestly wish I were dead.

You have to grey rock this.

Nothing to add to this thread but just wanted to give a "solidarity" high five to another SEN parent.

My son is 17yrs and it's so so hard for those who have HF ASD. There is very little help

@agonyauntie2020
She would want him to be independent and happy. We've tried to ensure the first - benefit rules mean if we didn't sort out accommodation he'd still living with us a social housing is like gold dust around here and localhousing allowance towards private renting is derisory.
The second? God only knows how we do that.

@dreamingbohemian I completely agree with you, and it's very frustrating that people seem to think only those who receive funding can be successful. In certain disciplines you are very much at the mercy of what is deemed to be fashionable by funding councils and universities at the time, so even if you are a great candidate but want to focus on a different area of research then you will not get funding. So you either completely change your project and specialism or you self-fund if you can.

And in terms of my own experience, I self-funded whilst teaching and working, and I submitted my thesis on time. My external examiner wants to work with me on publishing my monograph and I have additional teaching and research qualifications that I gained alongside the PhD. My job alongside the PhD allowed me to work with professors, directors and even a member of the HoL, and I have excellent references as a result.

In my cohort, of all of the funded students I have known, only ONE submitted their thesis on time. And only one has so far secured a permanent academic post. Meanwhile, those that self-funded are all employed (both in and outside of academia), and most of us have secure jobs in a variety of interesting fields. Make of that what you will.

Big no from me, having seen someone self fund. Don’t even support him getting a loan, he’ll only want you to pay it back. Friend did History phd at Oxbridge having been top 3 of their class and hasn’t gone on to find a place in academia as they’d like, a lot about being in with the right crowd too (funding, opportunities). Hard pass.

Oh I completely agree self-funding is a huge investment that should not be done lightly. In my case I was able to get student loans from my home country (which I pay back at minimal rates) plus I did it part-time and worked the whole time. I was incredibly lucky that it all worked out.

I don't think OP should fully fund her son but if he can get a loan, perhaps even some small grants, work part-time, then perhaps it is doable.

Without knowing anything about her son, it might be a better plan than supporting him through an endless series of jobs he doesn't care about and can't stay in.

So yes I agree with @tiger22 too, it's not a completely impossible idea but don't use all your inheritance either.

@Shybutnotretiring

Very difficult issue. My son who has ASD and learning difficulties also has skewered thinking on this sort of thing (unless it's me being unreasonable). Daughter (also ASD) persuaded me to get a dog. He didn't want a dog so he considers I owe him the price of the dog! We live in 2-bed house so currently the lounge is my bedroom. Mercifully getting an extension done soon but he considers that selfish spending on my part. I hope he doesn't start thinking I owe him the money for that too ...

So glad it's not just me! My son does this regularly. Didn't have his toffee yoghurt in yesterday so now he's 'owed' two of them. On that basis with the shitty life I've had the world is due me a healthy young adult woman who died 10 years ago, a lovely house I lost, blah blah blah.

This has made my day knowing I'm not the only one dealing with this.

How many years has your son been in receipt of DLA/PIP/ESA? DLA/PIP are not means tested and you were clearly finically secure enough not to need this to pay for day to day expenses. So, you were saving it on his behalf. Did he choose to use savings to buy a property? Or would he have preferred to use savings to pursue academic interests despite not being able to compete with NT careerists?

If he didn't own a property (or maybe live in a property that you own) but couldn't hold down a job but lived independently he would still receive PIP plus potentially ESA and HB.

I'm not judging you. I have saved my DS's DLA and PIP in my name and so as an individual he qualifies for means tested benefits and he lives rent/bill/other costs at home. So I financially support him. But the tens of thousands I have saved for him over the last 10+ years are his. To overcome barriers to owning his own home or to study. His choice.

I would approach this from a different angle - what will he do for the next 3-4 years (f/t) or 5-7 (p/t) if he doesn't occupy his time productively doing a PhD? What will be the impact on self worth/esteem and social skills? As things stand he is looking at a bleak next couple of years which I doubt that the comfort of not having to pay rent can compensate for.

There is so much pressure surrounding funding. For him, the best option may be a student loan that enables him to self fund and protects your inheritance. He may also be eligible for a disabled students allowance. The gov.uk site has details.

@JonahofArk exactly! That sounds a lot like my department actually : )

OP if you wanted to share the field he wants to go into, we could possibly offer better advice on funding opportunities and how realistic his plans are.

I totally understood, down to the obsessive nature of your son’s passions (my autistic ds2 sounds v similar although we are not at that stage yet ourselves)

If he is that good he can surely get funding?

Ask yourself the question
What would he do if you didn't have the money?

There is no way I would fund this.

He is selfish and unfair to expect it.

@KOKOagainandagain
We invested it so it made a good profit and it went towards the flat, which he wanted. Living in private rent is too insecure, there is almost no social housing locally and the stress of constantly applying and reapplying for benefits between temp jobs would severely affect him. He is not disabled enough to get more than rock bottom DLA/PIP, which supplements his income.

This could be me writing this in 12 years except mine wants to work on a farm (and do an English degree !). Farmers aren't known for generosity- so cannot see him getting a job where they expect him to 'work' all day long ! Without a discussion about it !

It's bloody hard when they are 'well enough' to be under the radar but not capable of fully adulting

@Totallyrandomname it’s also made harder by how autism (and other neurodiverse conditions) are a spectrum.
Some people can get by with minor adjustments.
Others need such a high level of support that employing them (unless they have a particular skill in short supply) costs the business double because of the oversight and management time needed.
There’s a lot of misunderstanding about this because you can see posters saying that he has a degree etc etc. A lot of autistic people who are bright and excel in something that’s in their area of interest + structured with clear instructions (like a degree) struggle with employment. Because of the pace of change, need to socialise and chart your own course etc.
There’s a big gap in provision for these people. Instead of big business always showing off how much they donate to charitable causes etc they’d do much better to have employment programs that cater for them ... a better spend of the charity budget IMO.

Academic work requires social skills normally , that is if he is thinking of teaching in a university.

The work has become more and more difficult as there are increasing numbers of students and too little funding.

You say his field is not STEM. I gather that arts subjects are being cut.

What classifications did he get for his degree and MA? If these were firsts perhaps he would find funding. If not, does he stand a chance as an academic anyway?

Not many people of 30 are being funded by their parents but I understand your dilemma as your son has special needs.

Certainly you are not being unreasonable to want to keep the money for something else.

Also to add - where I work we had autistic apprentices employed in high level jobs ... a couple were managed by me. When given clear direction one of them did very well. However it was not easy managing them and took up almost as much time as my full time job! OTOH the other just need a specific communication style and a couple of other tweaks compared to the other employees.

It’s not all black and white

Absolutely agree with much of what has been said already. I am an academic and if your son isn’t getting a funded PhD then he is not the right person to be doing a PhD at all. Enjoy your inheritance and live your life!

I can totally understand why you would want to fund a phd but overall I think it would be a waste of your money, purely because of his unrealistic expectations about what a phd involves. I know someone in a similar situation who did a phd after excelling academically in undergrad/postgrad and really struggled with the phd for a variety of different reasons. It wasn’t for want of being clever, just that academia isn’t a “nice and safe” working environment and some (obviously not all) academics can be very difficult to work with. It can be a cut throat world, more so than other workplaces.

If he really wants to do it, can he get a grant or scholarship or funding from elsewhere. I know you said it’s not STEM but there are a lot of organisations that will fund non STEM phds.

You’ve supported him loads so you aren’t being unreasonable for not wanting to support him financially with this. If he is serious about it, he needs to find a way to make it work himself.

The general advice I would give to anyone is, if you cannot get funding for your PhD don't do it. There's funding available in the form of studentships and also by working as a research assistant at a university and doing it part time. Working as an RA in his chosen field will determine if hes suited to it

I would recommend posting this in the Academic Common Room - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/academics_corner

Quite apart from the question of whether you should use your inheritance, it's generally not a good idea to self-fund a PhD. The reason being that if your area of research is worthy (enough), then someone will be happy to fund it for you. Self funded PhDs can often be vanity projects...