Using my inheritance to fund adult child's PhD: Aibu not to? Long post, sorry

[toconclude]

DS2 has his heart set on an academic career in a niche subject(not STEM), related to his special interest - he's autistic but no LD in fact very bright. He lives rent free in his own home funded by a lump sum from invested DLA plus interest free loan from us.

Bluntly I feel his ambition is not realistic: even were he not autistic, openings in his field are very rare. But he's decided it's the only thing that will make him happy and talks of feeling very low if he can't achieve it. I've tried gently but clearly explaining how tough making an academic career is - I know people who have struggled severely and had in the end to follow other paths. Have suggested he look more short term and try to find more rewarding work day to day, get involved in his local community etc and follow the special interest as a hobby. Every conversation circles round to the same subject though.

He also struggles to stay employed anyway but puts it down to the jobs not being suitable for him - imo there is more to it than that as he finds social interaction hard at times and any fast paced environment stressful. He has no real idea of academic work and thinks it's all interesting research and set piece lecturing. Sadly his tutors so far do not seem to have impressed the reality onto him.

Thing is, I could in theory use my inheritance from late DM to fund a PhD, though it would eat the majority of it up especially if I were to match fund DS1 which would only be fair. DH and I can live modestly on his decent pension and my small one (had to take long career break due to DS2 needs and unpredictable nature of DH job at the time meaning no money for childcare and irregular contract working so irregular paternal availability). After DH dies I should also be financially stable. DMs money is just for an income for treats at present, plus rainy day/eventual care fund. DS2 does not know how much I have but says if I were 'more supportive, like other parents (unspecified, but he's sure they exist and I guess probably they do)' I'd help him out more and specifically with more study.

I think we've helped him a fair bit including financially - he is 30 and has never had to pay rent either at home or away,we funded 5 years of post 18 living and housing costs for first degree and Masters topping up his student loan plus regularly buying things he needs/paying essential bills and some big ticket items though he has met his basic living expenses through earnings and benefits.

Having looked at various MN threads consensus appears to be that we should financially support him until he can support himself but what if that's the rest of our lives? Am I just a selfish bitch for wanting more than a basic retirement? What will DS1, who frankly doesn't like his brother very much owing to many childhood and later embarrassments/stresses and doesn't keep in close touch with him, make of it if I do?

It would be so much easier if we just couldn't afford it, tbh. I feel morally compromised because in theory the cash is there. First world/middle class problem, eh?

He will never do without essentials, we're committed to that. We just seem to have very different ideas on what's essential

A medal for anyone who got this far, lol. Didn't want to dripfeed.

I don't think this is about you funding a PhD, it's about when to say no. As you describe it, it will bring him no closer to employment, no closer to being content after the few years of phd studies.

I'm sorry, you are in this situationen, but perhaps you should put your foot down this time and say no to him, if he cannot fund it himself, it's a no go. This goes for everyone of us, we don't always get what we want. And I appreciate you find it hard to say no to him.

That said, can you look into spending some of that money in coaching him instead, a real long term investment into his ability to function in a workplace?

OP you seem a bit fraught- lots of really good sympathetic and balanced advice in here but your only responses have been to jump on comments that people have made which you feel are criticising you? Do you have any fellow parents of people with ASD who might be able to talk this through with you?

I would say that I can understand why he might find it hard to maintain a job. My father is a union rep ( and has been for a long time). We had a long convo recently about how has been pushing for managers in his sector to recognise need for adaption and different ways of working for autistic people or people with disabilities that aren’t physical. He notices a general understanding that someone with a physical need might need a specific chair or piece of equipment, but less understanding of people who need to interact differently or work with people in different ways.

I wouldn't do it.

@parietal

Universities have scholarships for people to do PhDs. He needs to apply for these. If he can't get a funded place from the university, then a phd is not the right career path.

This. If there is to be any hope of

a) him actually being awarded the PhD
b) It leading to something

then he needs to be competitive enough to get a funded PhD place.

Secondly, its sounds unlikely that he would go on to a successful academic career and therefore actually using his PhD in practise. Academic jobs are very stressful and competitive an its often a cut-throat environment.

You're better off keeping the money for a rainy day either for yourself or him.

Not RTWT but could it be a subconscious delaying tactic to himself because he recognises that he doesn't always gel with the world of work but does gel with the world of study?

Could you suggest he finds a job and saves up some money for a coupe of years to put towards his PhD?

There's not many parents of 30 yo's who are still happy to fund more and more study at that age (or at least without an existing and growing relevant career running concurrently to the further study perhaps) so don't be hard on yourself for not funding it.

You've helped him achieve a high level of education, more than enough to keep him employed. At this point, he should fund any further education without your financial assistance. (However, as long as he's still living rent free, you're providing significant financial assistance.)

I'd keep your inheritance. You already know how unlikely it is that his PhD will meaningfully improve his life or land him that dream job (which probably doesn't even exist, from what you've said). Even if his PhD might realistically lead to a job, you've done your part in helping him up to this point. If he wants to go further, there are ways for him to do it without turning to you for more money. It's not selfish to want to keep something for your own retirement.

Whether or not he realises it, he's asking too much, and just because he wants something doesn't mean he should be given it. I'd tell him it's not possible or not happening or however else you choose to phrase it, then repeat that every time the subject is raised.

Provide a support network by all means but that doesn't need to extend to every whim.

I have friends who have just funded Uni for their 50+ DS, leaving themselves in fairly dire straits, it doesn't stop. I say that as someone with a ND dx and a collections of degrees but intermittent work, now currently nearly 50 and unemployable. Too qualified, no track record in sustained employment.

What does your DH think? Does he share the emotional burden of supporting your son?

If he was good enough he would get funding.

HE IS 30 !?!?

loving all the comments suggesting OP part fund his Phd and he sources the rest ... 🙄

have you read the parts where he cannot keep a job, so his portion would never be produced.

NO more funding him OP.

🌸

But none of us know what he is capable of, what his research and academic talents are, or what field he wants to go into. non-STEM is very vague. It's entirely possible to do a self-funded PhD and go on to a non-academic career that is rewarding -- perhaps that might be possible here? If the alternative is a constant stream of jobs that he doesn't care about and doesn't stick to, then it's worth at least considering it as an option.

It would help to know more about him before saying whether it's a completely ridiculous idea or not.

To be clear, I'm not saying OP should use all her inheritance, but depending on his capabilities it might be worth exploring other options to make it work.

I know lots of people who pursued the academic dream. Some made it, some didn't, and of the latter quite a few decided it wasn't for them without trying. I have a good friend who has a permanent position at a very good uni, and he is very happy. But it is a fast paced and stressful environment. It's not all burning the midnight oil in the library - students are consumers these days, and lots of teaching, lots of admin, lots of office politics. He really is one of the success stories objectively (and subjectively - it was right for him, and he's happy), but I do get the impression your DS has an almost 19th century attitude about Oxford dons....the reality is rather different.

I think there are far better ways to spend the money, whether on him or otherwise.

Hi! I’m currently finishing up my PhD. I’m guessing that if your son is set on doing a PhD in a niche field then he already has an idea of a supervisor he’d like to work with?

My advice would be to encourage your son to contact the supervisor outlining his interests and to see if they could work together subject to funding. The supervisor is likely able to suggest funding bodies and they could write a proposal together. That way your son is investing time in his interest by developing a proposal, which will help him realise whether he is committed and hopefully get the funding himself. Supervisors that he is interested in working with may also have research assistant posts which may suit your son more than other jobs if he can’t start the PhD straight away? I did RA post before and it was invaluable.

From a career perspective, funding covers not only fees but also a salary-type stipend which could give a bit more financial freedom. On top of that, there are research costs and it’s really benefits so to attend conferences (if your son is comfortable with that). Funding bodies normally offer extra training sessions, grants and internship schemes to their students so there are lots more financial benefits to being funded than upfront costs. Also, academic employers often look at a track record of obtaining funding (eg PhD funding and small grants) so it is good for after PhD too.

Hope it’s helpful. I understand that there may be extra challenges associated with ASD that I may be being naive about. And obviously everybody is different but I have a couple of PhD pals that are autistic that have successfully obtained funding and completed their PhDs, I could ask their perspective if useful.

Good luck!!!!

In my family we never pay for extra training post degree in full. I have helped support both m sons with post graduate study - work related rather than extra degrees and our usual offer is to say that if they can earn or save up 1/3 we will each pay 1/3 towards it. We have only ever been asked to fund work related training and it has always gone well. Could you suggest to our son that if he can get part funding then you will top up?

@MilduraS

My experience of working at a university is that the academics have to be everything. They get to do some research but they're also expected to be excellent at marketing, lecturing, supervising, creating business proposals and following them through. They have to do it all while the goalposts are constantly shifting. It's a bloody hard job and I wouldn't trade places with them, even if I got to research something I loved. It's a shame his academics haven't explained the reality though they do get judged on PhD student numbers so it's probably not in their interests to deter him.

I wouldn't fund the PhD as it will only delay the inevitable disappointment. If his field isn't in enough demand for there to be scholarships, there will be limited demand for graduates. For what it's worth, I only know small number of PhD students being funded by their parents and they're all from wealthy countries. I haven't met a British or European student without a sponsor/ scholarship yet.

This is 100% right. The university will take his money and he’ll get a phd if he has the ability but if his ideas have real significance and are marketable he will get funding.

@parietal

Universities have scholarships for people to do PhDs. He needs to apply for these. If he can't get a funded place from the university, then a phd is not the right career path.

100% this. By all means encourage your DS to pursue his PhD, but do not offer to fund all of it. As a rule of thumb, granting agencies and universities tend to fund the PhD topics they think will create longer-term opportunities (which I’ll hasten to add DOES include non-STEM topics!). If they aren’t willing to grant at least some funding for a topic, it’s a pretty good sign that this topic is not “prized by the market”, and self-funding the area of study is not a great idea.

If your DS can get at least partial funding, then maybe you could consider continuing to subsidize his living costs. But definitely don’t go in for the full sum.

Don't fund this. It's a really useful life lesson for him to get a grant/bursary and a p/t job and fund it himself.

@deathbypostitnote

If he was good enough he would get funding.

This is simply not true in every field. I'm an academic who self-funded, I know a number of my colleagues did as well. Conversely, I know some people who were funded who are completely mediocre.

If he is genuinely realistic in his ambitions, then he should be able to find funding and scholarships towards his PhD.

I find that this is the best test of whether something is realistic.

Also, I have to say that job prospects with a PhD are not fantastic. An academic career is very very hard to navigate. This is why really, for me, the first test is being able to secure funding by convincing others of your suitability for the PhD and the value of your research. If you can do that, it means an academic careers is much more within reach.

I would not personally fund this.

I think that work experience is more valuable than a PhD.

@HaveringWavering

What does your DH think? Does he share the emotional burden of supporting your son?

He thinks it's unrealistic too. Tbh h struggles to relate to DS2, always has. Our way of managing both boys' needs was to mostly handle one each. DH is somewhere on the spectrum himself.

I think your son has done extremely well and he may make money self employed. however you know yourself how irregular that can be. It takes time to develop a bit business nowse too. (I don't know how to spell 'nowse').

He sounds like a good lad and he will learn. If you can do it without hardship, in your position I would. However only you can make the decision. Good luck to all of you whatever you decide.

I think that's great advice from @matchboxcar96 !

It's true that many academics (those from comfortable backgrounds, generally) have self-funded.

That still does not make it, necessarily, a good investment. For every academic with a secure job there are hundreds who did not complete their PhD, did not get a job in academia, or have suffered through years of insecure employment doing contract teaching for universities with no real career or security to speak of.

@toconclude

You know it's not feasible 🌸