To be worried sick about my 14 year old and his phone.

[fairycakes1234]

My 14 year old son started secondary school last year. We got him a phone when he was 12 but he never used it apart from making the odd phone call now and again and he was more interested in doing things with his dad, walking the dog, fishing, playing cards. Anyway, he started the new school and has a new set of friends and now hes like a different person, i know it could be his age as well, but he is literally obsessed with his phone, cant leave it out of his hand, if we ask for it, there is huge rows. When we take it off him he sulks, he cries, he shouts, he doesnt want to do anything or interact with the family. We had a huge row last night and i took it off him and hes not getting it back today but hes literally down here now almost crying telling me his friends will be on and hes missing out. I actually think hes addicted to it, and Im really sad that we let it get to this stage. We have decided to limit his use to hour in the morning, and hour at night. Can anyone tell me if you are experiencing this and how do you handle it. Thanks, im so sad about this. He really was such a happy kid and loved being wiht us and now hes sulky, and cheeky if we dont give him the phone. By the way he goes out with his friends, he plays hurling and football so its not like he has nothing to do but it seems like hes doing all this and is happy when hes doing all this but then when activites are over its straight back to the phone. I have an older daughter and she wasnt like this when she was 14 but then i know times are different now. Thanks for reading

So you're on your phone too much but your son is wrong? That is unfortunately how teenagers communicate these days after the past year and people are still weary about mixing,

I'd encourage some after school activities if possible and let the poor boy speak to his friends. I think it's very unfair you expect a 14 year old to hold higher standards than you in terms of using their phone.

For clarification my son doesn't bother much with his phone although my daughter does. Put more effort into spending time with him and maybe he won't always be on it.

Totally normal. DS has set times his phone locks and can't use it. That's the rule and his gaming time on it is limited, but he's free to message and call friends. When I was a teen it was hours on the phone, stretching the wire to sit at the bottom of the stairs to try and have a private conversation! I got an hour free and then had to hang up and call my friend again. I was glued to the phone before everyone had mobiles, and then it was constant texting and I was glued to that. It lasted well into my early 20's 😂

I do feel bad for all these children addicted to their phones. Of course a social life is important, crucial for teenagers, but it is so much better to play with friends IRL, do team sports or play with siblings.

As for the impact on children, I read a study which showed a statistically significant difference in the distribution of grey and white matter in the brains of children who had a lot of screens growing up compared to the ones that had much less. It was especially visible in Broca’s area which is associated with verbal intelligence. I believe that a lot of screen time also is associated with lower verbal intelligence….

@delilahbucket

Totally normal. DS has set times his phone locks and can't use it. That's the rule and his gaming time on it is limited, but he's free to message and call friends. When I was a teen it was hours on the phone, stretching the wire to sit at the bottom of the stairs to try and have a private conversation! I got an hour free and then had to hang up and call my friend again. I was glued to the phone before everyone had mobiles, and then it was constant texting and I was glued to that. It lasted well into my early 20's 😂

If mobiles were only used to actually chatting on I don't think they would be such a problem.

Lots of kids are addicted like this, and it is shocking when you try and enforce some downtime and they freak out, like you are taking away their heroin.

Lots of kids will pretty much just do it all the time, and it pushes out everything else. Going outside, sports, playing music, etc, even if they really enjoy them the lure of the phone means they don't happen.

And the fact that it seems to be the only way they communicate makes it a lot harder to really restrict. But two hours a day is plenty really, otherwise it starts cutting into time they should be spending on other things.

@NeverForgetYourDreams

I have a DS15. He's surgically attached to his phone. We have a no phones during meals or tv programmes rule. Plus he has to leave it downstairs at 9pm else he would watch YouTube all night

The meltdowns. Usual teen behaviour. If it wasn't the phone it would be something else. I've been told my friends with older kids to ignore the attitude but boy it's hard!!

Sympathies .....

I haven't found this to be true, that if it isn't this it would be another thing.

And pretty much across the board, any parent I've talked to that did a phone/gaming detox with their kids found that after a week they started to see real improvement in their moods, and after two weeks they were like different kids. I've found the same thing myself.

It doesn't affect them like other activities do, unless the activities are things like video gambling or drugs.

You seem shocked that your teenager is behaving like a teenager.

His social life is important at his age and his phone is his window into that. YABU to limit him to an hour and to insist he hands it over because he's using it.

What's the point in having something if you're not allowed to use it?

He's on what's app talking to his friends. As long as you're not worried about bullying etc i cant see the issue. Of course hes going to be annoyed if his mates are all having a conversation and you've confiscated his phone like he's a little child.

Mine are 26 and 18 now and both seem to be able to manage life without constantly phone checking. They grow out of the teen obsession with what their friends are doing and worrying about missing out if they don't have their phone glued to their hand

@quicknamechange111111

So you're on your phone too much but your son is wrong? That is unfortunately how teenagers communicate these days after the past year and people are still weary about mixing,

I'd encourage some after school activities if possible and let the poor boy speak to his friends. I think it's very unfair you expect a 14 year old to hold higher standards than you in terms of using their phone.

For clarification my son doesn't bother much with his phone although my daughter does. Put more effort into spending time with him and maybe he won't always be on it.

that is so helpful, thank you so much!! So all i have to do is get off my phone and spend more time with him? Why didnt I think of that??? You are a genius thank you so much for that fantastic advice, im on it!!

“Snoizer111
His social life is important at his age and his phone is his window into that.”

And a window into a lot more.

You must have seen Kevin the teenager, Harry Enfield..
The episode when Kevin is all excited for his 13th birthday but come midnight changes into a sulky teenager.. There's some truth in that episode.
You're once lovely little boy is now a hormonal sulky teenager who will continue to sulk into his early 20s, then he will settle down and be your lovely son again

This is a scary thread. Complete normalisation of addition.

Once i have written this i am puttning my phone down and reading a book .

@Peacelillyhippy

This is a scary thread. Complete normalisation of addition.

Once i have written this i am puttning my phone down and reading a book .

Yes, but many parents are addicted themselves and can't/won't see the problem.

I think this thread is very concerning! Adults need to help teenagers - whose brains are still developing - learn how to have a health relationship with their phones. I find my phone addictive/ stressful/ time-sucking - and I'm 43 - a 14 year old who feels stressed at missing a minor chat on whatsapp is not 'enjoying' using the phone for social interaction - that phone is literally damaging their mental health.

I think there is a hugely worrying trend to just let teens spend as much time as they like on phones and say 'oh that is how it is' - we are letting these kids down.

Yes, but many parents are addicted themselves and can't/won't see the problem.

I totally agree. As a teacher i see it all the time: kids, parents, even other teachers (using phones during assembly in front of the kids...really?!). Children need adults to be aware of how additive phones are and control their own use. But most adults can't or won't recognise how out of control their own use is. I have see phones used to amuse toddlers in buggies, let alone giving into teenage demands.

Damn back on the phone...so additive! I believe phones exploit our evolutionary need to check out our resources, the presence of threats and social interactions. No wonder we can't put them down.

I think your focus on getting him on WhatsApp is unhelpful. It's basically another way of having a conversation with his friends - would you feel differently if he were sitting in your garden having that same conversation? My DDs are both in multiple chat groups where they just talk about the same things teenagers talk about when they're together. It's easier than physically meeting up, and in COVID times has kept them sane. Your DS wants to talk to his friends - he just doesn't do it in the same way you did it when you were a teen.

I think you are right to be worried and to restrict access along with talking about why he feels this way and what he can do about it. Crying and demonstrating huge anxiety over being separated from his phone is NOT normal and I am shocked at parents writing it off as typical teenage behaviour. We need to teach our young people ways to manage and cope with the world and not leave them to struggle on their own.

It's not just the time spent on phones it's what they are doing when on them, especially Whats App etc. Parents need to be way more vigilant on this. Just read the recent Ofsted report on Sexual Abuse in Schools. Absolutely shocking and much of it is taking place on line on social media.

You are being a good parent OP, and good luck.

Am I the one who is finding it slightly ironic that OP was so keen to get her DS off his phone but is perfectly fine with him playing on the xbox? And I've seen previous threads where posters bemoan that DC should get off their phones but watching Netflix is apparently fine.

And screen time was the devil incarnate until lockdown when it was perfectly fine for DC to spent 5-6 hours a day staring at a screen doing schoolwork.

I think people need to have a long think about what they want. it's not as simple as "get off the phone". I did the same thing and realised that actually I thought staring at a screen (any screen) all day was unhealthy and the DC needed fresh air and exercise. (And I should add, I practice what I preach; I have a screen based job and now have factored in a lunchtime walk into my schedule). With my DC at 14, we had a rule that they must leave the house at least once during the day. After a few desultory walks around the park, they started posting "anyone fancy meeting up?" posts on group chats which progressed to a lot of the holiday being "hanging out" with whoever was there, as well as more organised meet ups. The trouble with "get off the phone" is that the DC need an alternative, and society is increasingly screen based.

Out of boredom I read incessantly (talking sometimes 3 books a day) during school holidays. I'm not sure this was any better than being on the likes of Whatsapp (which would be considered perfectly ok if you were having those conversations in person) tbh.

@UserAtRandom
No, sorry, you obviously didnt read my replies, i dont mind him being on xbox becaue he can take or leave it, he plays for a while, talks to his friends, and then stops, whereas the phone is a different story, and no hes not just chatting or talking to his friends on whatsapp(ill explain again because you didnt read my replies) he is answering every single person that talks on whatsapp, if it buzzs hes straight onto it, if hes in the kitchen and phone in another roon and he hears in buzzing he is straight away trying to get to the phone. So no, i dont think thats normal behaviour, I said already i am guilty of being on whatsapp too much but i dont jump everytime it pings.....but thanks for your comments :)

@pointythings

would i feel differently if it was his friends in the garden, of course I would, because he would be out in the garden chatting with friends, and guess what, the friends eventuallty leave the garden and go home and we resume our life, with a phone there are friends, not the same ones all the time, but friends constantly on it day and night and he is trying to answer every single text or message they send, and getting anxious if he misses out on a convensation and you think that is normal because I really dont. Anyway i have handled it so thanks for your advice

@Gerwurtztraminer
thank you :)

I loathe the way people over-use their mobile phones.

But I have to say I don't think this is particularly unusual.

I think lots of posters are saying this is fine because if enough of us agree something is fine it feels like it is. The fact is, though, that there’s an absolutely massive mental health crisis in young people, along with a growing consensus that constantly being connected to a smart device is exacerbating it at best, causing it at worst.

Just because our generation are all hooked on phones doesn’t mean it’s harmless or perfectly normal. Most people I know in their 30s-50s are desperately trying to use their phones less and less for mental health/quality of life reasons.

(My teens don’t have phones - they talk with friends on the homework laptop, but it’s fairly comparable times to what I would have spent on the phone with my friends at that age, and once the computer is closed that’s a clear line drawn.)

In argumentation theory, an argumentum ad populum (Latin for "appeal to the people") is a fallacious argument that concludes that a proposition must be true because many or most people believe it, often concisely encapsulated as: "If many believe so, it is so".
en.m.wikipedia.org › wiki
Argumentum ad populum - Wikipedia

@fairycakes1234 from the way you describe it in your later posts it sounds as though he is insecure in his friendships and feels that he must respond constantly to still be part of the group and be included.